Devastated by HSV2 infection and want to end it

[sadflowerfox]

Well…I guess the title says it all. I just need some help and perspective on this dreadful situation. 😭

I slept with two people - one on the 20th Oct and the other on 25th. Used condoms with both, but the first guy as he pulled out the condom rolled off. Luckily all contents were in there but was definitely skin on skin most likely with a lot of friction.

On the 1st Nov, start to get mild symptoms but on the 2nd Nov that’s when I started itching and noticed sores. Had a look and to my horror I knew straight away what it was. I am going through my first known outbreak now, and although it’s not as bad as what others have experienced, the mental toll it is taking on me is next level. I have not stopped crying about it. Lost half a stone in weight, can’t sleep and feel like my life is over. I spent all my time researching until my eyes bleed on potential cures, vaccines and everything in between.

I can’t stop blaming myself for this. I was raped two years ago and since then my behaviour with men has been all over the place.
The first guy (where condom rolled off) had sex with me like I was a rag doll and it was horrible and disgusting. I should have told him to leave. I let him use me like a toy and didn’t have the strength to save no when I was laying down. Felt like he actively wanted to give me something to be honest. I feel sick and violated. I don’t want to take medication for the rest of my life as it will be a constant reminder of this and the psychological association with it all. I hate when people say it’s just a skin condition. It has damaging effects on people and changes people’s lives. I hate that not more has been done to cure or tackle this. I think having a HIV diagnosis would be easier in all honesty. At least people can now take vaccines against it and one tablet for complete suppression, plus gene therapy for complete elimination soon.

I want to disappear and never look back. I genuinely don’t think I can cope with this.

Ooofff girl don’t go on Reddit, the hsv threads are insane!! they’re mostly American and the stigma of cold sores over there is mad. Honestly, the people on there make it their whole personality and their thought processes is completely warped.

I was diagnosed before my DH and I got together, he fell in love with me, I told him I can’t see him as I had this virus (I was like the above Reddit people and absolutely devastated, ashamed and felt unlovable) he said he didn’t care and we have been married for 10 years. I don’t take any medication, I just abstain from sex If I feel any nerve tingling etc. I let him know, he says ok, and we have our dinner. That’s it. This happens about once a year and it’s barely noticeable visually, it’s like a slight paper cut less than half a grain of rice.

Don’t get me wrong, I still worry I might pass it on to him, but I do my best to mitigate and he’s a grown man who knows the risk and makes his own decisions about his health. In fact if I’m having a wobble ( because I do still very ashamed sometimes) he just says “ you’re very careful and I know you’d never knowingly pass it on. If it happens, it happens”.

I actually think there’s no way he’s not a carrier after 10 years. 80% of people will never show any symptoms at all, which is why it’s so easily spread unfortunately.

I also wouldn’t take suppressive antivirals if I wasn’t having regular outbreaks, your body will make the antibodies to control it. Have you got some lysine supplements? Stay away from high arginine foods like nuts, oats and chocolate x

@whatsnewpussycat34 aww, thank you. That actually made me smile. Yeah, Reddit is a bit of a mad place isn’t it?! I feel I have spent far too much time on there but it can also have some good info about future trials for vaccines and treatments. Your husband sounds lovely btw!

I actually ironically disclosed to the two people who may have infected me and they both asked if they could see me again. I was like what?! I have herpes, why would you?! They were both totally unfazed really which was oddly reassuring and surprising all at the same time, but truth be told I would never see them again, especially the first guy.

I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs. I used to eat a hell of a lot of chocolate but since having this have not touched the stuff. I am still very much struggling to eat, and must have lost a good half a stone this month alone (every cloud eh?! 😀).

I have about two sores left to go I think so just going to continue with the antivirals and see how my body responds for now after this first outbreak. I have lysine which I take every day, along with Vit C, Zinc etc. I’m aiming for Christmas for this is to be completely cleared up and for me to be feeling a bit better about the situation.

I would be completely loss without Mumsnet! Thank you everyone❤️

Hi @sadflowerfox - the price of Valtrex has just come down massively. It used to cost me hundreds of pounds but I’m guessing the licence for the original must have just run out as you can get 42 tablets for around £25-30 if not cheaper. Superdrug have a discount code for it at the moment too (HPNEW10).

I did get constant outbreaks but the Valtrex sorted it out. Would also recommend making sure your vitamin D is at a good level as there has been some research showing it hits harder if your vitD is low.

Honestly, it will get easier. You’ll have pangs of “oh shit, this isn’t fair and I need to move to a leper colony” every now and again, but it’s not true.

My FIL is walking around with a huge cold sore on his lip at the moment, every single reaction is “ooo that looks sore, do you want a cup of tea?” No one is repulsed by him, no one loves him any less and 99% of people recognise it’s just one of those things. I know it feels different because we have it genitally, but I remind myself regularly of the facts. Location, location, location. I’m in a shitty area than him , that’s all 😂😂

how old are you btw?

@whatsnewpussycat34 I’m 40. The irony of me being care-free and having lots of sex in my 20’s and not catching anything to suddenly having a couple of encounters with people using condoms and I get this feels very, very unfair. It feels like my body has failed me you know? Why did I have to be the unlucky 10%? Why couldn’t it have been warts and then I could have just had them frozen off and carried out going about my business. All of this is playing in my head.

I still can’t figure out which person it was who gave me this either. I am convinced it’s one of the two partners I saw in the exposure window. That’s another thing I am constantly battling and feeling torn over. Keep thinking “maybe it’s because I put the condom on wrong first and then flipped it over that the virus was on there”. Or maybe because one of the guys had a skin tag on his arse that it transferred the virus more easily”. My head is swimming and there is no let up. I genuinely feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life. Another day of crying and not eating as my appetite is in the bin. This must be what it feels like to be on the divorce diet lol.

I can’t get to see a G.P either (two weeks of putting in a triage form) .I may just try and get some antidepressants from an online pharmacy or somewhere but I’m worried about the side effects. I know I can’t continue like this…I’ve haven’t felt this bad since the attack two years ago and I feel a sense of comfort when I think about ending my life as the pain now is unbearable. Those feelings are growing stronger everyday. I feel like I have been tricked all my life as these things are barely spoken about. The life I was once knew with no major diseases/infections/illnesses has just come crashing down and I am faced with a virus for life and I don’t even know about how it will behave for me.

Sorry for the rant and these long posts. I have no one to turn to in real life.

Also don’t forget there’s v little stigma for HPV. A virus that had actually been proven to cause cancer and is sexually transmitted!

I know yeah, it’s a bit of a grey area that one. I’m not even sure it’s actually truly classed as a STi? There are different strains of HPV too I think. Only a couple of strains cause genital warts and the rest cervical cancer or hand warts etc. I didn’t even know that a verruca was HPV until recently.

OP I think you’re being overly dramatic and need to get some perspective now. You keep acting like it’s the end of the world but it’s honestly a very minor hiccup in life.

Absolutely loads of us have to take daily medication… mine is for eczema and it lowers my immune system. So it’s a really terrible, itchy, unattractive rash… just like yours. Except I’ve had mine since birth and you just got yours. But it’s still just a rash.

I also take contraception every day. My husband takes omeprazole for a stomach issue, another friend takes tablets because she had her gallbladder removed. We’ve all been taking these since our 20s! It’s not a big deal!

I think you’re probably reacting so badly because it’s related to sex and so you see it as related to your attack. That makes sense and is likely quite normal. Perhaps you see it as a punishment for having sex or a mark on you that somehow changes you. It’s neither. Either way it’s not about the infection itself which is why you need to see a therapist and realise that the rash will
go away and you’ll live a completely normal life if you can deal with your trauma. I hope you do.

OP I think you’re being overly dramatic and need to get some perspective now. You keep acting like it’s the end of the world but it’s honestly a very minor hiccup in life.

Absolutely loads of us have to take daily medication… mine is for eczema and it lowers my immune system. So it’s a really terrible, itchy, unattractive rash… just like yours. Except I’ve had mine since birth and you just got yours. But it’s still just a rash.

I also take contraception every day. My husband takes omeprazole for a stomach issue, another friend takes tablets because she had her gallbladder removed. We’ve all been taking these since our 20s! It’s not a big deal!

I think you’re probably reacting so badly because it’s related to sex and so you see it as related to your attack. That makes sense and is likely quite normal. Perhaps you see it as a punishment for having sex or a mark on you that somehow changes you. It’s neither. Either way it’s not about the infection itself which is why you need to see a therapist and realise that the rash will
go away and you’ll live a completely normal life if you can deal with your trauma. I hope you do.

OP I think you’re being overly dramatic and need to get some perspective now. You keep acting like it’s the end of the world but it’s honestly a very minor hiccup in life.

Absolutely loads of us have to take daily medication… mine is for eczema and it lowers my immune system. So it’s a really terrible, itchy, unattractive rash… just like yours. Except I’ve had mine since birth and you just got yours. But it’s still just a rash.

I also take contraception every day. My husband takes omeprazole for a stomach issue, another friend takes tablets because she had her gallbladder removed. We’ve all been taking these since our 20s! It’s not a big deal!

I think you’re probably reacting so badly because it’s related to sex and so you see it as related to your attack. That makes sense and is likely quite normal. Perhaps you see it as a punishment for having sex or a mark on you that somehow changes you. It’s neither. Either way it’s not about the infection itself which is why you need to see a therapist and realise that the rash will
go away and you’ll live a completely normal life if you can deal with your trauma. I hope you do.

OP I think you’re being overly dramatic and need to get some perspective now. You keep acting like it’s the end of the world but it’s honestly a very minor hiccup in life.

Absolutely loads of us have to take daily medication… mine is for eczema and it lowers my immune system. So it’s a really terrible, itchy, unattractive rash… just like yours. Except I’ve had mine since birth and you just got yours. But it’s still just a rash.

I also take contraception every day. My husband takes omeprazole for a stomach issue, another friend takes tablets because she had her gallbladder removed. We’ve all been taking these since our 20s! It’s not a big deal!

I think you’re probably reacting so badly because it’s related to sex and so you see it as related to your attack. That makes sense and is likely quite normal. Perhaps you see it as a punishment for having sex or a mark on you that somehow changes you. It’s neither. Either way it’s not about the infection itself which is why you need to see a therapist and realise that the rash will
go away and you’ll live a completely normal life if you can deal with your trauma. I hope you do.

OP I think you’re being overly dramatic and need to get some perspective now. You keep acting like it’s the end of the world but it’s honestly a very minor hiccup in life.

Absolutely loads of us have to take daily medication… mine is for eczema and it lowers my immune system. So it’s a really terrible, itchy, unattractive rash… just like yours. Except I’ve had mine since birth and you just got yours. But it’s still just a rash.

I also take contraception every day. My husband takes omeprazole for a stomach issue, another friend takes tablets because she had her gallbladder removed. We’ve all been taking these since our 20s! It’s not a big deal!

I think you’re probably reacting so badly because it’s related to sex and so you see it as related to your attack. That makes sense and is likely quite normal. Perhaps you see it as a punishment for having sex or a mark on you that somehow changes you. It’s neither. Either way it’s not about the infection itself which is why you need to see a therapist and realise that the rash will
go away and you’ll live a completely normal life if you can deal with your trauma. I hope you do.

OP I think you’re being overly dramatic and need to get some perspective now. You keep acting like it’s the end of the world but it’s honestly a very minor hiccup in life.

Absolutely loads of us have to take daily medication… mine is for eczema and it lowers my immune system. So it’s a really terrible, itchy, unattractive rash… just like yours. Except I’ve had mine since birth and you just got yours. But it’s still just a rash.

I also take contraception every day. My husband takes omeprazole for a stomach issue, another friend takes tablets because she had her gallbladder removed. We’ve all been taking these since our 20s! It’s not a big deal!

I think you’re probably reacting so badly because it’s related to sex and so you see it as related to your attack. That makes sense and is likely quite normal. Perhaps you see it as a punishment for having sex or a mark on you that somehow changes you. It’s neither. Either way it’s not about the infection itself which is why you need to see a therapist and realise that the rash will
go away and you’ll live a completely normal life if you can deal with your trauma. I hope you do.

How are you doing @sadflowerfox. Did you get your swab results?

Haven’t had the test results back yet, but I’ve mentally prepared myself for a hsv-2 result. Still feeling very low. The worst for me is the widespread nerve pain that I’ve been experiencing. Pins and needles in my legs, feet, hands and the tingling and burning. It’s constant, even after no sores.

I know others think I’m being dramatic - but it’s really getting me down and I keep playing the situation over and over again in my head. It haunts me and I can’t get past the fact all this could have been avoided and I was so close to blocking the guy who I believe may have gave me this. It’s hard to get past.

It’s shit. I think I I have post herpetic neuralgia that affects my leg too, so I never truly know if it’s active or not.

Why don’t you try a low dose of nerve medication for a few weeks, see if that helps. The constant physical reminder will keep you hyper aware, so if that’s minimal, your stress level might come down and allow your body to heal.

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment on the 16th so will have a chat about it then.

I haven’t seen any more sores since the initial but have felt prodrome I think? But I just take antivirals when I worry and hope for the best. I’ve also been taking loads of other vitamins to boost my immune system and not eating high arginine foods. I was thinking of just doing suppression but I think it’s best to let my body fight this with natural antibodies first and then decide how things go. I still link this is my rape and my behaviour in many ways so it’s psychologically very distressing but I just try to put one foot in front of the other as that’s all I can do for now.

Keep going girl x

I have this, plus intense stabbing pains in my damaged nerves
at times I forget how life was before. I’m too scared to run or go out because when I have a nerve attack I literally am on the floor screaming, and I’ve give birth to 3 big babies.
it is hugely damaging my mental health and I feel suicidal at times.

people don’t understand how debilitating it can be

@bittertwistedso sorry to hear that. How long have you been diagnosed? Mine isn’t as bad as that and i’m hoping it will disappear once time goes by. I have an autoimmune condition (hashimotos) and sometimes it feels like that.

Update :

I’ve just rang up the clinic and I can’t believe I’m about to say this but I have tested negative for HSV. I still don’t believe it as I have nerve pain and I believe they didn’t get enough fluid from the two sores they swabbed. Also had another outbreak of a sore last night and felt a prodrome on my leg. I’m sure of it. I was asking them again and again “are you sure?” “ “are the tests accurate?” and they were adamant.

Don’t know where to go from here…apart from another clinic it if I get what another sore? Ordered a private IGG test. I am still absolutely convinced I do have this. Even when she was swabbing the sores one of them were burning.

Is the new sore blistering? Go back and ask them to swab the new one.

Maybe it’s shingles and not HSV at all?

@whatsnewpussycat34 have often wondered this as I haven’t heard too many people experience constant daily nerve pain with HSV. I know it can be very prevalent with shingles.

I think shingles is only on one side of the body if I’m not mistaken, not usually the genitals? Luckily I have managed to get a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks as I have folliculitis (diagnosed online 2 years ago by a dermatologist) but it never cleared up. The sores around my vagina were a lot more sore and tingling/burning so very different to the sores on my bottom. I also had flu-like symptoms a couple of days before the suspected hsv and a lot of heavy discharge (sorry tmi!) and had tingling up my leg which felt like a spider was crawling on it.

I am very confused… The sore is hard to describe. I think it’s gone now and it never was a full blister. I did take pictures but don’t think I could possibly post them on Mumsnet! 🥺

I will say that my skin is very sensitive to soaps and things like that. Before the suspected hsv, I always had a lot of irritation usually around ovulation and around my period. I have no idea if any of this is related or not. Also think I’m peri.

I’ve decided as soon as I get another sore to get myself down to the clinic pronto for a swab for a definitive answer. I’m keeping off the antivirals in case that affects any result and I’ve been taking them unnecessarily! But I will also see what the doctor says about it all.

Thank you everyone for being so kind on here. ❤️ I know I’ll be ok now either way. I have already accepted hsv into my life if I have it and realise it’s actually not that big of a deal at all. I even disclosed to someone last night and he bushed it off and said he had cold sores and it’s fine. Oh, and he asked when we could be intimate again 😂 (Men!) x

The anti virals are the same for shingles as they are for HSV so no harm in taking them. FWIW they confused mine with shingles for ages before they swabbed it and found it was HSV2. The swabs are v conclusive so I would be cautiously optimistic. I went to a private GP and got tested as I had so many people give me the wrong info.

You will absolutely be ok x