Devastated by HSV2 infection and want to end it

[sadflowerfox]

Well…I guess the title says it all. I just need some help and perspective on this dreadful situation. 😭

I slept with two people - one on the 20th Oct and the other on 25th. Used condoms with both, but the first guy as he pulled out the condom rolled off. Luckily all contents were in there but was definitely skin on skin most likely with a lot of friction.

On the 1st Nov, start to get mild symptoms but on the 2nd Nov that’s when I started itching and noticed sores. Had a look and to my horror I knew straight away what it was. I am going through my first known outbreak now, and although it’s not as bad as what others have experienced, the mental toll it is taking on me is next level. I have not stopped crying about it. Lost half a stone in weight, can’t sleep and feel like my life is over. I spent all my time researching until my eyes bleed on potential cures, vaccines and everything in between.

I can’t stop blaming myself for this. I was raped two years ago and since then my behaviour with men has been all over the place.
The first guy (where condom rolled off) had sex with me like I was a rag doll and it was horrible and disgusting. I should have told him to leave. I let him use me like a toy and didn’t have the strength to save no when I was laying down. Felt like he actively wanted to give me something to be honest. I feel sick and violated. I don’t want to take medication for the rest of my life as it will be a constant reminder of this and the psychological association with it all. I hate when people say it’s just a skin condition. It has damaging effects on people and changes people’s lives. I hate that not more has been done to cure or tackle this. I think having a HIV diagnosis would be easier in all honesty. At least people can now take vaccines against it and one tablet for complete suppression, plus gene therapy for complete elimination soon.

I want to disappear and never look back. I genuinely don’t think I can cope with this.

You need to get a swab asap while you still have a sore. I have HSV1 on my genitals, it's annoying but I really don't think about it day to day. I've had several relationships and a marriage since I got it, it's rarely put anyone off - one man did ask some questions but then decided he wasn't worried about it after all. It's important to know as if it's type one you can relax more - 75% of adults in the UK carry it, and most people you are thinking of sleeping with will have had Cold sores in their childhood or youth which means they won't catch it again!
Please try not to feel bad. Also you don't know which man gave it to you- you can get it even with a condom. It's not your fault.

Don't be a dick please

It hurts not to know. Statistically however. I think it must have been either one of those two as the timeline is solid for a first exposure. I’m going to get an IGg blood test which will tell me whether this is a new infection or not.

Regarding partners etc I know I need to make better choices. I don’t plan on having sex now for a very long time until I am in a much better frame of mind. This has changed everything for me and also made me realise I need to look after myself a lot more.

@rainbowunicorn22 I’m really sorry you went through that. I will ask for the cream as if that is a substitute for the tablets, I will happily apply that.

The positive stories are helping a lot and I can many many people have this but I think psychologically it will take me a really long time to fully be ok with it.

Hey I have HSV2 and have done for a good 25 years, it’s awful the first time you get diagnosed and I felt disgusting and dirty and like no one would want to come near me again. The first outbreak was horrendous, it was painful and I felt rubbish but since then I’ve probably had about 5-8 outbreaks and they were all years ago each one was lesser than the one before. I can’t actually remember when my last one was but my daughter is 11 and I know I haven’t had one since she was born. When pregnant I was honest with my midwife and she was so chilled about it and just told me to let someone know if I was having an outbreak when labour started but I wasn’t (two babies).

You feel horrible right now and not just because of the HSV but also because you had a shitty experience with the man who potentially gave it to you.

When I met my now husband I told him after a couple of weeks but I made sure I had all the facts to answer any questions and he was ok, to be honest if he wasn’t it would have been over because there isn’t anything I can do about it.

You will be fine I promise, it’s just a shock right now x

I have break outs often and doctors don't prescribe too much.

No woman is going to want to have relationship with a man who could give her herpes

Yes they are! HSV is such a small part of who someone is and as long as you are honest then the other person can make that choice. I have been with my husband for 21 years and he knows the risks but I have always told him when I’ve had an outbreak and we don’t have sex or any sexual contact. HSV doesn’t mean that people will be single forever.

It’s a virus. In the same way HPV is except most people don’t know if they have it and HPV can cause cancer yet people worry a lot less about that stigma

@hummous123you can get aciclovir prescribed by the Gp if you are having frequent outbreaks and if they won’t, any of the online pharmacies like Superdrug will prescribe Valtrex (Valacyclovir) or aciclovir for persistent break outs

Thank you so much ❤️. I really like and appreciate responses like these as they give me hope that someday in the future it won’t be on mind and outbreaks will be gone for a very very long time and won’t dominate my dark, dark thoughts. Do you take daily antivirals? Have you changed your diet or done anything differently? I hate the stigma that is attached to this. At the moment I do feel so disgusting and damaged. It’s a feeling I never thought I would feel. Thank Goodness for Mumsnet as the internet is a little scary and I can’t talk to many about this in real life x

So you’ve never had a relationship as a result @hummous123

Give over. 80% of the population carry either HSV 1 or 2 genitally or orally, so If what you’re saying is true, then the human race would be dying out.

OP I have GHSV1 and I have in the past got a private prescription from boots for suppressive therapy. You just fill in a form in line, pay for it, then collect in a few days.

I still have a lot of shame and paranoia about passing this on, and I’ve been with my DH for over 10 years. But you’ll eventually get to know the signs of an outbreak and you just abstain for skin to skin contact until it’s gone.

People are walking around with this on their face and no one bats an eyelid, herpes viruses just part of being a human being. Epstein Barr, chicken pox and cold sores are all part of the herpes family. The reason you feel so shitty is because of the stigma associated with it being on your genitalia, but like is said, perfectly acceptable to have it all over one face, for some reason.

@whatsnewpussycat34 the stigma is the worst part of it, and in my eyes reoccurrences and taking medication are a constant reminder of that :(

I can cope with there being no cure, but I wish this thing never came back and acted much more like the other herpes’ viruses. It’s so bloody unfair. I think the cold sore on your face thing doesn’t have the stigma attached because it’s not sexually transmitted? I honestly can’t say I remember a time when I had a cold sore so I think somehow I got away with it. I’m sure the stress in my life would have triggered one to back on my face too so there is perhaps a glitter of hope that I have contracted the hsv-1 strain rather the other. Going to clinic next week as I’m still getting little tiny ulcers so hoping they can swab something.

@sadflowerfox why does it matter which strain you have? The only difference is a protein in the virus DNA, and you may only ever get one flare and never see it again. The symptoms and treatment is the same.

I caught HSV1 from someone who gets cold sores on their lip, does that me “dirtier” than him? Because it’s ok on the face, for everyone to see, but not on any other part of the body, and because the deliverance was different? I could easily have caught it on the face in the same sexual encounter.

What in trying to say is, please try and put it in to perspective and don’t let it cause too much emotional pain. If you had caught a cold sore on the lip in this same sexual encounter, would you be beating yourself up the same way?

I’ve just re read your posts and realised this encounter wasn’t particularly pleasant. My posts may have come across as a bit twatty, I’m really sorry about that.

But the message is still the same, you will still have a perfectly normal and healthy life even though you’re a carrier of a virus. Take care of yourself x

I guess I’m just thinking in terms of reoccurrences as I never want to see this thing again. I want to eradicate this from my mind and any association of it as it links to my behaviour and what I have been through. I don’t know how one gets over that. I know I need to change my mindset but I’m in a world of pain right now. I don’t think people truly realise the mental impact genital herpes has. Understand many say it’s just a skin condition, it’s common etc but the devastation and shame is real. The stigma is real. Having to take medication for suppression is real. That to me is life-changing.I hate how I had the chance to avoid this and would give anything to turn the clock back.

I would probably feel better if I caught hsv 1 on my lips from someone but I wouldn’t be too happy about it either as going from having nothing for 40 years to suddenly having cold sores probably wouldn’t be the best feeling in the world. Wouldn’t need to disclose though which further leads to awkwardness and embarrassment and fear of rejection.

I never thought I would feel this way again. It feels like an albatross around my neck and I can’t escape from it. I know others have felt the same and come through it so that does give me hope. I hope time will help but right now I can’t see a way forward to ever feeling good again until there is either a cure or something to stop it from reoccurring so I can put this behind me.

What the fuck kind of response is that to my post and how does that help the OP? Are you ok???

It does matter because HSV1 is much milder than HSV2 and also because far more of the population carry HSV1 so it feels like (and is, when you're telling potential partners) much less of a big deal

Wouldn’t need to disclose though which further leads to awkwardness and embarrassment and fear of rejection.

Bear in mind nobody ever thinks to 'disclose' they carry HSV1 orally before they kiss anyone do they? Before you consider telling a partner, ask them if they have ever had a cold sore. Chances are they will say yes. Then you can explain it in context, and if anyone freaks out you can tell they are a bit thick and probably not worth your time ;)

It is hard coming to terms with having a life long virus, and I too felt the shame and worry of rejection. I still do feel that sometimes and I’ve been married for 10 years!!

But eventually, when the physical symptoms have subsided, one day you’ll realise it’s not taking up as much of your brain space anymore. Even those of us with genital herpes still deserve to have normal, happy lives and as long as you’re honest with future relationships, this will weed out all the shitty men who don’t deserve you from the good ones.

In the mean time, lots of rest, lysine supplements, Zovirax cream in the cupboard and forgive yourself. You were unlucky to be one of the 20% who have an outbreak, but it could very well be your one and only.

You can get a private blood test to determine which type it is.

You are wrong.

70% of the UK population carry the Herpes virus. Do you think they're all celibate? Of course they aren't - they're married, in relationships and have families.

Many people don't even know they have it because it's possible to have it and not have an outbreak.
Do you think people don't have relationships with people who get cold sores?

You are the poster who has just started a very peculiar thread about people having sex straight after having a baby aren't you @hummous123 ?
Not very nice all round.

OP I promise you this, one day this will be a complete non issue for you.

I was diagnosed with genital herpes (HSV1) over 15 years ago. When the doctor told me what it was I was pretty devastated, honestly thought my life and certainly sex were over for me. The doctor was amazing and very kindly and gently told me to get over myself. She said it is massively common and that both she and her mother have the virus. She quite rightly made me realise how normal and common the virus is. My life and sex were not over.

A couple of years later on a drunken night out I told my closest friends I had it. Two of them had it too! We are all healthy, in relationships and hsv has become something none of us ever worry about. Honestly, it's normal.

My first outbreak wasn't too bad and since then I have never had another one. I didn't make any changes to my lifestyle and have never taken anti viral drugs.

Something I read which really helped me was that before the 1970s the virus was so commonplace and accepted that nobody batted an eyelid about it. Then a pharmaceutical company launched an advertising campaign making herpes out to be something shameful and bad in order to launch a new anti viral medication. It was those bastards who made everyone suffer so much angst when there had been none before.

The clinic tomorrow is going to be so helpful for you. This will pass and you will be ok.

Please be kind to yourself op. This will get better.

I got herpes in late 2019. The first outbreak was horrific. Fever, aches all over, hurt to wear underwear, wipe after a wee etc. I went to the gum clinic and they swabbed me, explaining this would confirm herpes and whether it was hsv1 or 2. They recommended frequent baths with salt water which I did find eased things.

they rang a few days later and said it was hsv1, so previous posters are correct that it can be either type on genitals. The nurse who spoke to me was so kind when I felt so dirty and ashamed. He told me that loads of people have it (especially hsv1) and that it might come back as outbreaks and if it does I can take mediation and if not, great. He said never to have sex with an active outbreak; obviously.

I was 33 and divorced and assumed my life was over in terms of a relationship. Nevertheless I joined the dating scene. A couple of the dates progressed far enough to sex and each time I was ope and honest with the men, explaining that the nurse had told me the risk was low (but not nonexistent) when I had no outbreak and with condoms. Neither of those dates backed out and both respected my honesty.

a little while later I met a third date. I didn’t know it then but he would later become my husband. I was more nervous than ever telling him because I already knew the relationship had potential. He had a health background from his job and was not put off.

we have a healthy sex life. I have never had an outbreak since the first one and he has never caught anything.

good luck and be kind to yourself.

Totally agree about the medication campaign from the 70s.

Apparently acyclovir was invented for one reason (can’t remember what) but it wasnt effective. During the testing phase, they noticed, by pure coincidence, that it was helping people with genital and oral herpes, so the marketing team had to come up with a way to off load all this medication that was cheap to make but ineffective on what ever it was they wanted to work on.

Anyway, long story short, this marketing team basically had the “genius” idea to tell people that the skin affliction that 80% of people have, needs treatment because it’s “incurable” and the campaign of stigma was created for UK and America.

People in Europe to don’t give a flying fuck about herpes, the French literary refer to it as “genital flu”. Big standard flu for your bits.

Thank you. Will think about doing that if they can’t swab any sores tomorrow.

I have contacted both partners today to let them know. Morally, I felt that was the right thing to do -: they both may be asymptomatic and I wanted to share that information with them for future reference. The first guy who was rough and the condom slipped off at the end straight away was very surprised and straight away said he had never had anything down there. The timeline is 11 days flu-like symptoms and physical sores being noticed day 13 with him. He was very convincing. Spoke to him on the phone.

The other guy who I used a condom with, the timeline is actually better. 5 days from our meet where I felt flu-like symptoms and 7 days when I noticed the actual sores.

I also rang him and I felt he was holding back more. There was a moment where I feel he was thinking about sharing/saying something. More of a pause after I acted really causal and told him I’m not blaming him or it’s cool, it is what it is etc and he could tell me (even though I’m dying inside when saying that). He just said, hope this doesn’t mean you don’t want to see me again 🤨. I guess I should be flattered really as ironically this my first disclosure and he’s not arsed!! But probability is he knows he has it maybe? I don’t know what to make of that. Also, he denied having anything but this isn’t true. He had a very visible looking skin tag/wart on his butt cheek which I noticed. Should have pulled him up on that straight away. He just said he had always used protection but I guess condoms don’t always reduce risk do they?

I hate not knowing. It’s tearing me up inside but I didn’t expect either of them to admit to it but their reactions were very different which is interesting.

I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight but I do again appreciate the advice and wisdom people are sharing with me. I hope to one day wake up and not remember I have this. That is the goal, but for now it’s just one day at a time.