Devastated by HSV2 infection and want to end it

[sadflowerfox]

Well…I guess the title says it all. I just need some help and perspective on this dreadful situation. 😭

I slept with two people - one on the 20th Oct and the other on 25th. Used condoms with both, but the first guy as he pulled out the condom rolled off. Luckily all contents were in there but was definitely skin on skin most likely with a lot of friction.

On the 1st Nov, start to get mild symptoms but on the 2nd Nov that’s when I started itching and noticed sores. Had a look and to my horror I knew straight away what it was. I am going through my first known outbreak now, and although it’s not as bad as what others have experienced, the mental toll it is taking on me is next level. I have not stopped crying about it. Lost half a stone in weight, can’t sleep and feel like my life is over. I spent all my time researching until my eyes bleed on potential cures, vaccines and everything in between.

I can’t stop blaming myself for this. I was raped two years ago and since then my behaviour with men has been all over the place.
The first guy (where condom rolled off) had sex with me like I was a rag doll and it was horrible and disgusting. I should have told him to leave. I let him use me like a toy and didn’t have the strength to save no when I was laying down. Felt like he actively wanted to give me something to be honest. I feel sick and violated. I don’t want to take medication for the rest of my life as it will be a constant reminder of this and the psychological association with it all. I hate when people say it’s just a skin condition. It has damaging effects on people and changes people’s lives. I hate that not more has been done to cure or tackle this. I think having a HIV diagnosis would be easier in all honesty. At least people can now take vaccines against it and one tablet for complete suppression, plus gene therapy for complete elimination soon.

I want to disappear and never look back. I genuinely don’t think I can cope with this.

@Troubler do you get yours on repeat prescription from the doctor? I’m afraid my doc will tell me that they can’t prescribe it and will try and push the other, cheaper version on to me where I am forced to take two or three a day - or even worse - suggest seeing how my body deals with the infection first. I will kick up a fuss if they try to do that though. I can just about deal with taking one tablet a day with my other medication that I also need to take for life (thyroid issue).

I think it’s just one of those things I’m going to have to live with as I can’t see a way forward otherwise. I feel the psychological impacts would be too great if I saw anymore reoccurrences after this and couldn’t live with myself if I passed it on to a future partner (not that I’m even thinking that way. - I am seriously contemplating being celibate now for the rest of my life). I probably won’t even want sex anyway in a few years due to menopause so maybe it’s not even an issue. I feel this would have been much, much worse in my 20’s so I’m so grateful for that.

Medical professionals may be unfazed but I have a feeling they are because they know making it into a bigger deal would cause a lot of stress and there is nothing they can do about it, apart from prescribing meds to help. The psychological impacts are no joke though, and I wonder how many have thought about ending it like myself, or caused themselves harm as a result of their diagnosis? How can that be ignored?

I may try and get some counselling to see if it makes a difference. I had another mini outbreak 6 days after the first one had cleared, but I read this is common and for the first one it comes in waves. I am praying mine is HSV1 but I know realistically it is likely to be HSV2.

I have to pay for the Valtrex. I don’t think the NHS will prescribe it. They will push you towards the aciclovir but I couldn’t cope with that either. Once you have the confirmed diagnosis, you can get it online (Valtrex) from Superdrug and online pharmacies but do try the GP first. Yours may be HSV1 - apparently it’s much more common on the genitals now but I also wouldn’t get your hopes up just in case.

i must admit if I find out I’ve given this to my kids I will be utterly devastated. Like you I’m older (in my 50s) so it doesn’t really impact me as much as it would if I was younger.

(When I say give it to my kids, I get it on my skin on my back and when I got it the first time we were on holiday and sharing towels at the beach etc! And I’m sure the kids may have accidentally touched it at some point)

Also @sadflowerfoxonce you’re on the Valtrex you do forget about it as it’s an excellent suppressor. I would definitely take it for a while to give yourself a break from worrying about it.

When I had it (at 7 months pregnant!) the GUM Consultant told me that 99% of the population of the world has it dormant within their system! It’s just things like stress, pregnancy and a few other things which trigger it. It’s rarely actually ‘caught‘ so this ridiculous stigma is massively unfounded.
I nearly lost my baby as a result of it (and also my bladder shut down due to sores up my urethra! So I had to lay in hospital stationary on a catheter for 3 weeks) so I’m just thankful I didn’t lose her.
I will say though, I’ve only had one outbreak since so it’s really not been that bad in the years since.

My first episode nearly killed me -I was in ICU and it was horrendous. That was about 20 years ago . I’ve had a few mild flare ups since then nothing bad just had aciclovir each time which has worked well . It’s not always as bad as you think I was dreading it after recovery from the initial infection I wish I’d known that it wouldn’t be as bad with recurrent episodes

Op please don’t be so hard on yourself. The hcps you have met are minimising it because…. Well… it’s minimal. It’s a virus. You won’t die of it. Yes it’s embarrassing but so are lots of things. Most people who have it have a flare up and then resume to normal life. No medication needed. Much much worse things to contend with. And do not say you’d rather have hiv. Do you understand the treatment and subsequent illnesses it can cause? I mean this post kindly so sorry if I sound harsh but you really need some counselling. I hope you get sorted.

Oh love I’m so, so sorry for everything that you’re going through. I can feel your pain through the post. My partner has HSV2 and takes medication for it, at this point we honestly both forget that he has it until he needs a new prescription. Please take care of yourself ❤️

@Troubler that must have been such a worry. To be honest, all my life I have worried about catching this. I first heard about it at 15/16 and the adverts and radio would talk about there being no cure and it put the fear of God into me. “Don’t play the sex lottery” kind of thing. I still had unprotected sex like an idiot but I never caught anything and stupidly thought my body was immune to this shit as everyone around me was picking up something and I wasn’t.

I had a couple of lucky escapes though. I slept with a guy at Uni who was massive player and the next day I got this sore on the vagina. I freaked out thinking it was herpes but then next day it had disappeared. Then once or twice I have noticed small red pimples downstairs where my public hair is. I also assumed herpes but they were obviously just little red pimples and disappeared. Then bumps all over my bottom and near my anus - turned out it was folliculitis, so when I got this I was like “damn, this is sodding herpes”. Before then, I was also worried about passing it into DD with sharing towels etc. I do have health anxiety too! How much do you pay for Valtrax if you don’t mind me asking. I did look online and it’s bloody expensive 😞

@LemaxObsessive do you think she meant the herpes virus in general? I think 25% carry hsv2 and most don’t have symptoms. The nurse today told me 70% have herpes but most don’t know. I can’t remember ever in my life having a cold sore, but maybe I have and didn’t notice. I have had some awful, stressy periods in my life and it’s never flared up once so don’t understand if I have oral herpes why that one hasn’t flared up but this one has (if I have hsv2). Do you have hsv1 then? I have heard that is much milder and loads of people never have another outbreak. I don’t like oral, but nurse said it could still be hsv1 from regular sex.

@twolittles - gosh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Is yours hsv 1 or 2? Glad to hear you haven’t had many flare ups since. This is all I can pray for. The unknown is the worst for me. I think maybe I should just let my body build up natural antibodies but it does get me very very down seeing the sores and I just wish they would sod off now. Been 4 weeks already and only a couple of sores left.

@Heyheyitsanotherday I understand what you are saying and my post was a bit silly at the time. Obviously that would be way worse. It’s just frustrating that there are way more treatments for that. We even we have a vaccine someone can take now to prevent it which is absolutely incredible. And gene therapy is probably 20 years away from some kind of functional cure. If they can do that for hiv, they can do it for herpes but the demand sadly ain’t there.

I have genital Herpes. My ex husband gave me the virus. I had been single for eight years before meeting him.

It wasn't my fault. It haunts me, four years after the end of my abusive marriage.

Shame on you.

@LapisBlue so sorry you feel that way. Scared of feeling the same due to being raped and letting the guy use me like a doll to the point the condom wasn’t on properly. I feel the rape massively contributed to it (could have even come from the event itself) so I try to think it was out of my hands and I didn’t ask for this.

Valacyclovir/Valtrex is a prodrug of acyclovir. This means is that valacyclovir is metabolised to acyclovir in your body, but it has slightly higher bioavailability so it can be dosed less frequently and may be more effective in some individuals. But... it is way more expensive, so unsurprisingly the NHS is unwilling to use it first line. The costs in this link are probably a little out of date now, but gives you the idea.

www.royalberkshire.nhs.uk/media/bebdu3g0/long-term-use-of-anti-viral-drugs-for-recurrent-herpes_gps_jul23.pdf

OP, you'll be ok, you really will.

My ex partner claimed not to know he had it. My "private bits" were covered in sores, I was very ill. Sitting opposite him at dinner with no appetite he said he'd "been in so many restaurants with beautiful women" and no-one had been pushing their food around their plate as I had been doing. Apparently.

I still get outbreaks. I will never, ever forgive him.

Medical professionals may be unfazed but I have a feeling they are because they know making it into a bigger deal would cause a lot of stress

Respectfully, I think it is more likely that its because it is really common.

The psychological impacts are no joke though

I agree. Counselling, not just for dealing with this, but to explore all aspects of what led up to this would be helpful. You deserve better. I hope you get to a place where you see that.

It sounds like you need to be kind to yourself OP. It sounds like you have a lot feelings that you haven't processed about the rape. Are you speaking to anybody in real life who can help you through this?

It’s 2. I just had one day of feeling cold and shivery and then thought I had really bad thrush but within hours the pain was intense, I developed hundreds of sores over a few hours was given antibiotics at a and e and sent home then woke up the next day with a severe headache tried to get up and collapsed. That was the last i remember for a few days apparently it had got into my brain and I had a long recovery but they told me that’s very rare and only happens with the initial infection

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes I am starting it in January, had to wait months for it. I was dealing with it well but this has absolutely knocked me for six. I know I would have never got this if I hadn’t had been promiscuous after the rape but I felt like my body wasn’t worth it anymore so didn’t care enough. Used condoms but still that wasn’t enough. Just sucks as it’s just going to be a reminder now and the pain is overwhelming of that event. I would give anything to take that back.

I truly feel like nobody understands my pain. I wanted the nurse to see how bad this was for me but she just said it it comes back negative then great, and if not, then take meds.

This happened to me 30 years ago and I have never had another outbreak. Just go easy on yourself.

@sadflowerfoxi just sent you a dm

Because hiv/aids was a death sentence. HSV2 is an inconvenience and already has sufficiently effective treatments.

I know I would have never got this if I hadn’t had been promiscuous after the rape but I felt like my body wasn’t worth it anymore so didn’t care enough.

Its not unusual to blame ourselves after traumatic events but this kind of self criticism can lead to self hatred and you dont deserve anyone talking to you like that, even yourself. Imagine what you would say to a dear friend in your situation - would you blame them for the problem? Its a good general rule not to say to ourselves things we would not say to others, especially when we are feeling low. If you look at the information on self compassion, that could really help you.

Its really clear you need some trauma informed therapy - even if you dont have PTSD symptoms, it is a very common reaction to sexual trauma to "normalize" it - so repeating similar situations through a lot of sex which carries an element of risk. Its not talked about much, but its well known among people who treat trauma.

Its not possible to say where it came from - its possible it has been dormant in you for a long time and flourished as a result of stress. Many many people have this - as long as you manage flare ups, you will be ok.

Your pain and trauma are coming through so strongly - but the shame you are feeling is not yours to feel. It belongs to the person who assaulted you. And the person who infected you, if they did it knowingly.

Please look after yourself.

I'm sorry about your experiences, that sounds traumatic.
I do think you are worrying way too much about HSV2 though. I've had it, so has my DH and a few friends. It is pretty common. I don't know anyone taking medication for life and it doesn't reoccur much, when it does it isn't as bad as the first time. I've only had one other outbreak and DH hasn't had any further outbreaks. It was 20 years ago that we had it.

@JLou08 Thank you. Stuff like this gives me hope that maybe I won’t get weekly or monthly outbreaks. I’ve been reading so much stuff on Reddit and the internet which isn’t doing me any good I know. Just going down a dark, depressive hole. Maybe I am worrying too much about future outbreaks and maybe I won’t get many again after this one. There is still a slim chance that I have hsv1 which would make me feel so much better. I will get the results next week.

Can I ask everyone about their dating experiences after they were diagnosed. How did others react when you told them? I would like to eventually date again one day and worried about what others will think and say. Did anybody insist of anybody taking medication to suppress it, or were most guys just chill about it and not too worried. Tia x

You really don’t wish it acted like the other herpes viruses. For one, Epstein Barr (Herpes 4) is linked to the development of MS and certain cancers. It’s the sneakily far more evil one.

HSV1 and 2 are really pretty mild in comparison. They’re just a rash…