Retired mums doing their fully grown adult kids washing for them - is this common?

[LittlePrecious]

I know four retired women who do their daughter's washing as a regular arrangement. I mean, not as a one-off because of some emergency.

Their daughters are all fully grown, functional adult women with no medical or mobility issues.

I was chatting with DP about it, and it turns out MIL also does this for DP's sister.

Is this 'a thing'? Is it actually quite common?

My mum stopped doing my washing when I was about 10 years old. 😂

How sad.

My MIL does this and fucking infuriates me. She has a key and comes round and takes the washing away her. The sooner I get that key back the better.

Well you could tell your partner to tell her not to let herself into the house ?

I know a few people who’s Mums do their cleaning and laundry.
Most are single parents and their Mum does or did all the childcare so I guess it goes with the territory.
The others are the Denise Royle types (they aren’t all women but you get the picture) who probably wish they’d never left home.

My mother-in-law has been known to let herself into our house and do the washing while we were away. I was mortifed the first time but she just wanted something to do and watch our TV away from her DH I think 😂

Now we have DD, she looks after her one afternoon a week and honestly she's so helpful. She'll hang any washing in the machine out, bring it in, fold it. Puts the dishwasher on (or does it by hand! 🤷‍♀️) or if it's been on empty it. We don't ask her to do it but it's really helpful to come home to washing that's dry and clean dishes.

She's been known to iron DH's shirts too if she sees them hanging about.

I definitely wouldn't and wouldn't let DH, take bags of washing home. When I was pregnant she did offer to do some washing, take it home and bring back bless her but I didn't feel comfortable doing that.

I think she just knows how hard it can be as a working mum to keep up and if she can do these small things to help she will.

She also sews buttons etc for us - she sews as a hobby.

If these kids are single adults with no independence then I can see a reason for your outrage but there are lots of scenarios in between where it is acceptable and even encouraged e.g.

• Woman has just given birth to newborn - I would even offer to do my friends laundry for them. This is something considered positive and community minded.
• Staying as a guest in someone’s house - if my dad visits I do his washing and he will help put it on the line. If I visit him he does my washing and I help put it on the line. It’s reciprocal.
• Many younger families (regardless of what you see on MN most people are on the average wage of 30k a year) can’t necessarily afford a washer and/or dryer or can’t afford to repair straight away after a breakdown. It’s natural for family to want to help in those circumstances.

Why do you find that sad?

My DS moved out in February to live in a flat, I did do this washing for about 2 months, as washing was taking way too long to dry. He has done his own since, but wonder whether he will recommence bringing it around. I don’t mind, none of his clothes need ironing and he only has 2 work shirts.

I think doing a child’s laundry is very basic parenting. And who separates out their laundry from their child’s?

When i had my first flat we didn't have a washing machine so used to take ours round to parents alternatively. This was only for a year though and when we bought a house and got our own washing machine we used this. Xx

This is so sweet 😭

I have never actually heard of anyone doing this op, to be honest. Sticking a wash on if they’re at their child’s home and said child has just had a baby (<6 months), sure but definitely not as an ongoing thing.

My ma is a wee angel for speedily folding any and all clean laundry she can lay her hands on the moment my back is turned, mind you. She’s a pain in the arse to get to JUST SIT DOWN!!

My mum doesn't normally, but when I first went back to work after having my baby she did some of the baby laundry to help out. She'll also do me the odd load if I've fallen behind (I work full time) or if we're all ill.

As long as they can do it themselves and they just are looking at some mum love…why not?

Maybe they did it while at Uni and it reminds them both that?

Maybe they are fed up doing the laundry and their mum do it while a cuppa?

Maybe whatever? I hate the idea of them having to but I love they share that as a moment.

We are talking about a 10 year old child

As @Ddakji says, keeping your child's clothing clean is pretty basic parenting.

Personally, I've never understood people who live together as a family not treating everyone's laundry as one job - to me it is just easier and more economical to fill a load with 4/5/6 people's washing and the turn round is quicker and it means you can do things like separate whites, and do things on different temperatures. It being tricky to build up separate washes when washing for one. But I can 'hear the reasoning' of letting a teen coming up to home leaving age do theirs separately. I can't see any reason at all to be making a 10 year old do their washing separately from the rest of the family. that's borderline neglect.

Grew up without a washing machine in the house and parents for whom clean clothes were never a priority. Remember having to wearing the same clothes for weeks at a time. Think I was around 11 when I began washing them by hand in the sink. I guess I'd become aware that i most likely stank :( So when i had my own family, I made sure my 6 DC always had clean clothes every day, took great pride in that and still do my 2 youngest adult DCs laundry who live at home currently. Think it's part of always wanting to be the kind of mum I never had. Plus it saves energy costs and reduces machine wear and tear doing family loads instead of separate ones.
.

My Mum used to do my bedding from time to time and it was an absolute treat. It was especially helpful before we had a tumble dryer and worked very long hours. I also did her washing when she was older, and I'll do my adult children's if they need it. They'll also do mine if I need it. It's just what some families do to support each other.

Why are people wittering on about people as children being asked to do the laundry as if it's neglectful? I did my own laundry from secondary school - but it wasn't just mine! It was my twice weekly chore - my job was to load the washing machine with the whole family's washing - at 12 it really wasn't that hard! I wasn't going down to the river with a washing board or using a mangle! Separate out the lights and darks, then by washing cycle if needed. It's not neglect to teach your children housework! Guess what, I'm not a lazy adult! I also did the cooking once a week and was responsible for tidying and hoovering my room. Maybe I should retrospectively call Childline?! Some people are nuts...

Not so much washing but my mum used to do ironing for my sis.
Just knows how hard it is to find time for everything when your working full-time

I'm sure when my Granny babysat us in school holidays, she'd do stuff round the house inc washing.

When I lived closer, my Mum used to do most of ours and returned it the following week. Meant I only had to do my work uniforms (don’t have enough to wait until she had it ready). She still does some for me and most of my brother and his families.
She does it as she’s got a disability, and needs help from us, so feels she is paying us back. We’ve said there’s no need or expectation, but she finds washing easy and feels she’s “pulling her weight”. We tried objecting, but then she kept trying to give us both cash and would stash it in coat pockets etc if we refused, so a bit of washing is the most agreeable option.

My DM does our washing for us often. I absolutely don’t ask or expect her too. It’s her love language and she is the type of person who just needs to be needed.

This is something I have literally never been aware of except in the case of my step mother who does all her son's washing (she's 79 and he's 45) and he lives with her. Never heard of it otherwise.

I’ve heard a lot about grown men who still take their laundry to mummy, but I didn’t know women did it too! Sounds weird to me.

Refusing to launder your 10 year old child’s clothing is neglectful, which is the situation being commented on.

A completely different scenario to having a household chore.

But I think you know that.

It is infantalising them and it is totally different to paying someone to do it. Sorry if you find that uncomfortable, but it really is.