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Original poster

Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

798 replies

PassUstheJaffaCakes · 20/10/2025 23:42

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

OP posts:
TeaRoseTallulah · 20/10/2025 23:44

I would say nothing at all,don't reply to any messages and leave him to sort things out with his wife. Ignore,ignore , ignore.

DurinsBane · 20/10/2025 23:46

I would tell your boss you got the messages, and he needs to deal with it. If it carries on, and he doesn’t/can’t sort it, maybe you need to go to HR in that case. You shouldn’t have to deal with a bosses/colleagues spouse accusing you of stuff in your professional life

OptiMumm · 20/10/2025 23:47

Just block the number and keep out of it.

Do NOT reply as that is involving yourself.

ETA: Obviously tell your boss when you see him.

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Relationship problems
DrearyDiary · 20/10/2025 23:47

Oh, what a horrible situation to be in.

I wonder if it's worth reporting to HR, just in case it becomes harassment? Or asking them for advice?

I think I'd send one message saying you were there in a professional capacity only and that she should discuss any concerns with DH, then ignore. But that might not be the best advice.

Original poster
PassUstheJaffaCakes · 20/10/2025 23:50

DurinsBane · 20/10/2025 23:46

I would tell your boss you got the messages, and he needs to deal with it. If it carries on, and he doesn’t/can’t sort it, maybe you need to go to HR in that case. You shouldn’t have to deal with a bosses/colleagues spouse accusing you of stuff in your professional life

Thanks, sounds like both you and @TeaRoseTallulah think it's best not to engage. I guess I feel bad for not saying anything to someone who is clearly upset and has the wrong end of the stick, but this feels like something I don't want to be mixed up in. If boss's DW is checking his phone, clearly there's stuff going on there that I'm not aware of.

OP posts:
LonelyPotato · 20/10/2025 23:52

I’d let your boss know before he comes back and once he’s been filled in, message the wife back saying there definitely isn’t anything going on. She could cause workplace trouble for you. Best to get it nipped in the bud ASAP. You’ve done nothing wrong. He needs to put his wife straight but you should also stand up for yourself.

Lavender14 · 20/10/2025 23:53

I wouldn't insert yourself by responding to her. I'd take it quietly to your boss when they are back and say you got the message, wanted to make him aware if he wasn't already and that you don't need to have any further conversations about it so you'll be forgetting about it. But I'd keep a record for yourself just incase it does become an issue.

I don't think that responding will make her any less suspicious and he might look at that as you wading into his personal business.

Original poster
PassUstheJaffaCakes · 20/10/2025 23:56

LonelyPotato · 20/10/2025 23:52

I’d let your boss know before he comes back and once he’s been filled in, message the wife back saying there definitely isn’t anything going on. She could cause workplace trouble for you. Best to get it nipped in the bud ASAP. You’ve done nothing wrong. He needs to put his wife straight but you should also stand up for yourself.

I guess I've been reluctant to message him via his phone as it seems his wife checks it, and she may see any messages I send, I don't want her to put two and two together and make five, I guess. Workplace bother is definitely something I want to avoid!

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 20/10/2025 23:58

Well I assume you have your boss’s mobile number even if he is on A/L.

I’d screenshot the messages and say that you have not responded and ask that he deal with this personal matter between him and his wife as you do not wish to become embroiled in it nor do appreciate any implications she may have erroneously arrived at on both a personal and professional level.

strawgoh · 20/10/2025 23:58

I'd go to HR with this now. Let them know you have received communication from her about this event, and remind HR you were there in your professional capacity only. Then wait for your boss to return to work and speak to him about it. When is he due back at work?

Endofyear · 20/10/2025 23:59

Absolutely do not reply to her messages. Wait until you can speak to your boss face to face. Hopefully he will be mortified that his wife has contacted you!

BreadInCaptivity · 21/10/2025 00:01

PassUstheJaffaCakes · 20/10/2025 23:56

I guess I've been reluctant to message him via his phone as it seems his wife checks it, and she may see any messages I send, I don't want her to put two and two together and make five, I guess. Workplace bother is definitely something I want to avoid!

Show quote history

As per my post above.

Message him and nip it in the bud now.

A short professional message is what’s required (that you assume his wife will read).

Original poster
PassUstheJaffaCakes · 21/10/2025 00:02

@BreadInCaptivity yes, I do, but his wife appears to be checking his phone, as that's how she saw the photos/got my number.

@strawgoh he'll be back next Monday. A confidential informal chat with HR may not be a bad idea. Obviously hope it wouldn't come to being necessary to involve them, but if anything did get alleged to them, probably best if I've raised the concern upfront.

OP posts:
LondonGirrrrl · 21/10/2025 00:04

I would message her and state that you were there in a professional capacity. Then block her.

Pozz · 21/10/2025 00:05

Lavender14 · 20/10/2025 23:53

I wouldn't insert yourself by responding to her. I'd take it quietly to your boss when they are back and say you got the message, wanted to make him aware if he wasn't already and that you don't need to have any further conversations about it so you'll be forgetting about it. But I'd keep a record for yourself just incase it does become an issue.

I don't think that responding will make her any less suspicious and he might look at that as you wading into his personal business.

This.
And I wouldn’t go to HR. Surely that will just increase the drama for when he returns.

BreadInCaptivity · 21/10/2025 00:08

He’s your boss. He’s not going to appreciate you contacting HR about his personal life before he’s had the chance to deal with the matter himself.

By all means put in a short message to him that you have not spoken to HR (yet) as you felt it was courteous to give him the opportunity to address the situation privately, but you ask that the messages stop and it’s made clear that your relationship is purely professional.

Arregaithel · 21/10/2025 00:11

@PassUstheJaffaCakes personally, I'd contact your boss, even if she is checking his phone.

Be supremely formal and state that you've been shocked to receive an accusatory and inappropriate message from his wife.

eta; do not engage with the wife, at all

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/10/2025 00:12

Just block her/him till he gets back and then tell him about the messages and that you won’t be responding to his wife. I wouldn’t go to HR, it will embarrass him and he’s done nothing wrong. It sounds like his wife is having a breakdown of some sort.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 21/10/2025 00:13

Everything that @BreadInCaptivity has said.

EBearhug · 21/10/2025 00:13

If I were to respond, I'd say, "I am boss's colleague. We attended this function together for work, representing the company. He sent me the photos to share with the team." And no more than that. But as everyone says, best not to respond at all, and to talk to boss when he's back.

I'm guessing he's probably not having the most relaxing break...

MidnightMeltdown · 21/10/2025 00:14

Don’t respond to her. She sounds extremely rude. Who does she think she is messaging a random woman and accusing her of stuff?! What a cheek! Definitely show your boss.

AutumnCosy2025 · 21/10/2025 00:15

Have you told your DH?

iI it was ME, I'd reply to her saying you were also at the event for WORK & took the opportunity to get a couple of photos with the celeb, her DH is one of your work colleagues & you're happily married & hopefully you'll all get to meet each other at the Chrustmas party (or something).

Then I'd ring 'boss' from DH's phone & fill him in. I wouldn't involve HR in their personal drama (at this stage anyway)

Original poster
PassUstheJaffaCakes · 21/10/2025 00:17

Pozz · 21/10/2025 00:05

This.
And I wouldn’t go to HR. Surely that will just increase the drama for when he returns.

Show quote history

I'd prefer if we could nip it in the bud before that became necessary really. It would have been quicker to sort if he hadn't gone straight on leave after!

My guess is possibly he has either cheated in the past or at least sailed close to the wind. If that's the case, I do feel sorry for his DW and how she may feel knowing he went out solo with a female colleague and wasn't upfront about it. But I had no hand in that decision of his. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

OP posts:
Original poster
PassUstheJaffaCakes · 21/10/2025 00:23

@AutumnCosy2025 yes, DH knows about the messages. He also knew I was attending the event with my boss, I'm always upfront about what my work trips involve (and we take the piss out of dull company events when either of us have to go to them!). He looked at the photo and was like "meh, nothing to see here, your dress is nice, but that [celeb]'s bow tie isn't straight"

OP posts:
WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 21/10/2025 00:25

Don't go to HR yet if you don't want it to blow up out of all proportion! Just speak to him when you next see him and ignore her until then.