Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

Yes, go to HR. It sounds like senior men in your industry tend to behave badly. That’s why your boss’s wife is checking the phone and maybe why your boss doesnt drink any more at work events - hes fucked up in the past.
Do you have to message his personal phone?
can you stick to email only? Even if it’s actually on his phone, emails to his work address feel less personal
you probably rely on having a good relationship with him and can’t suddenly go “cold” but you need to protect yourself. Even if the content is innocently jolly and chatty, texting uour boss on his personal phone might upset the wife and that will knock on to upsetting him and then he might take it out on you. Or something

I would actually message back saying this was a work event and I am a colleague. I hope this puts your mind at rest, and leave it at that.

@TeenLifeMum I don't want any drama whatsoever, hence why my boss's wife popping up in my inbox is somewhat unwelcome!

So reply and it’s done! You are creating added drama.

Kindly, this is quite a naive stance to take.
He is her boss, he is in a position of power. OP’s focus should be protecting herself. This message hasn’t come from innocent curiosity otherwise the bosses wife would’ve just asked her husband. Replying is adding fuel to something that doesn’t involve her.

You shared a taxi. Nothing happened.
You send a curt message back telling the silly girl not to contact you again and to sort out any private matters with her husband. You attend that company in a professional capacity and are not interested in their marriage.
Than block her.

@Newstartplease24

Prior to this event we have never had each other's numbers, we swapped them for logistical reasons, exchanged a few messages related to said event, and have not exchanged any since outside of work. We do not routinely message each other, and I'm certainly not about to start now with this going on! I think keeping things to work systems is a good idea in general.

I would go to HR to get your flag in the sand. people who say this is not a personal matter are quite right. It ceased to be a personal matter when your boss's wife messaged you rather than take it up with her husband. Your employer, and that includes your boss, has a duty of care towards you when you are in work situations.

How did she connect the photos with your number?

It's all outlined in the OP. He sent the photos to her.

To be clear I am not saying there was anything romantic or that you are wrong, I am talking appearances. From your OP I assumed that boss had got a taxi and diverted it to pick you up, which is a bit "extra mile" and to me blurs professional boundaries. The situation you describe is different.

However if your company expects you to share taxis but how are they going to know who is the odd one out? And if we are talking cost savings why were there not three or even four of you in the taxi (or will you now say there were) and if there were why didn't wife see the messages to the other passenger(s) when looking through his phone.

But anyway as I and others have said just tell her what it was all about then guage her reaction and act accordingly

This, I had a similar situation when young and naive and bent over backwards stressing I was a colleague etc. Now I realise insecurities in a colleagues marriage were nothing to do with me and I wouldn't say one word, don't engage, don't explain, thats not your responsibility. Tell your colleague and tell him it stops now. If not HR.

DO NOT REPLY!

I was in this situation and stupidly answered the phone. She was hysterical had no interest in what i said, told me personal things about her husband and then got her mum to call me....was a nightmare. BLOCK!!

Don't be daft. It's no different to travelling together for a business meeting. I'm sure the company, paying for this, would expect people to share transport.

My boss sent them to me on WhatsApp. He was going on leave after the event, so he sent them to me to circulate round my team because we were in the photo with a minor celeb. We went because our department was nominated for an industry award by one of our customers, so it is relevant to the team, their hard work contributed to said nomination. I assume he saved my number.

Don’t go straight to HR with this, I’m sure your boss would prefer to manage it discreetly. I’d talk to him the minute he gets back.

Haven't read the whole thread. I would reply. I don't really follow why you wouldn't. That's just me maybe

I feel for you. She is behaving in a deranged way and has overstepped a line. You should not have to put up with this. The trouble is that your HR has no jurisdiction over her behaviour. All they can do is pull him in and tell him off for having a paranoid wife who accessed his (personal?) phone.

I'd usually be against responding to someone who you have never met sending unsolicited messages, but I wonder if it might be the quickest way of nipping this in the bud.

I know! I also worked in HR, albeit some time back and if I had to deal with issues of a personal nature of staff like this, I would never get any actual work done.

I really do not understand why people always comment to say report the most minor issues to HR.

I’ve also seen it happen. The important thing here is protecting your position OP, never mind about his “poor wife” and their marital woes. I think you are right to be concerned about repercussions.

are your phones provided by work? If so she accessed a company asset without authority and took your phone number contrary to GDPR and any rational view of personal data.

If you raise it with him you are rightly concerned that it will come back to bite you as he will be embarrassed.

I’d certainly be considering an informal chat with someone in HR, although they may well of course immediately blab to him which would be even worse

you have my sympathy and hope you can find a resolution.

It’s not a minor issue. At my workplace, people in relationships have to declare it. By extension, the appearance or rumour of an affair is also an hr issue. She needs to get ahead of this just in case it turns into a rumour. How do the Hr people propose that should be done?

FFS it so is not- its quite common to share Taxis to different events, also to only be allowed to have one car hire and have to share lifts in the car when sent to other countries on sites. Companies are trying to save money every way and you have no choice only to share a taxi

I assume the wife has posted on MN that she's found photos of her husband with a FEMALE COLLEAGUE at an event and been told that this means he is definitely cheating, why would he even need to be anywhere near Another Woman, it's never Mike in accounts, spidey senses, gut feeling.

This happened to a friend of mine around 15 years ago. She tried to send a reassuring message in response but that only escalated everything - it went from a suspicious query to a torrent of abuse from the wife. Unfortunately she was quite junior - HR got involved and while they told her they believed nothing untoward had happened, they didn't exactly back her up in any meaningful sense. Her boss (who had been one of her biggest backers at the company) kept his distance after that, she ended up feeling isolated and in the end just left. It affected her really badly for a while, but I'm happy to say she ended up excelling in the long run.

I'd block the wife without replying. Depending on the industry, company culture and relationship with my boss, I might log it with HR to cover myself (without expecting them to do anything helpful) or have a quiet word with him.

@tamade - my OP stated we arranged to meet in the lobby so I don't know how you got the impression my boss went out of his way to pick me up.

No, there were not 3 or 4 people at the event. We got 2 free of charge tickets. My boss and I were chosen to represent the company. The company did not want to pay for anyone else to go. So there were no other passengers for him to message, no "odd ones out". It made sense for my boss to book it, because he has a company card, I don't.

Like most companies, they are tight on expenses. We have to obtain pre-approval to use taxis, it's not standard practice. If there had been 5 of us, likely we'd have requested approval for two taxis, 3 in one, 2 in the other, in case we couldn't get a 7 seater.

This. By not replying to explain who you are, you've instantly given her reason to think there's something going on. Why wouldn't you reply unless you're both guilty?