Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

i would rather hr deal with this.
i wouldn't trust your boss to tell her the truth, which is that you are a fellow employee senior manager and that the joint attendance at the event had been approved.
request a copy of any communications for your file.

I’m sorry, there must be a misunderstanding. This was a work event.

Address it now with the excellent reply suggested by MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack. All the better if she does check his phone, better she confront him than you again. There is no way I could calmly get through the week, waiting for his return to speak to him about it without imagining all kinds of outcomes. I really feel for you OP. As you said it’s not your circus, try to remain as detached as possible.

Or she might be a very jealous woman and he's done nothing wrong. Seems harsh to be blaming him based on her messaging you. My first marriage broke up in part because of his constant accusations which were based on nothing so maybe hangfire on judging him as the problem.

I’d personally reply and say you are a colleague of her husband, attending a work function and happily married. I think not replying is suggesting something is going on. I guess he has a history of cheating. Bit much of her to contact you but guess we don’t know the history. I wouldn’t want to make her more paranoid by not responding.

I wouldn't involve HR. Why involve yet more parties and make this an even bigger deal.

I would think that he has form for this, and this behaviour from his wife is coming from a place of mistrust.

Just show him the message when he gets back to work. This is not your problem but just make him aware that he has one to deal with.

Are you interested in getting a promotion? You could use this to your advantage. Reply along the lines of "How did you get this picture of me and my fiancée?". Show your boss the communication. Use this situation as leverage for future pay rises or job opportunities.

How does he sound creepy? He went to a work event with a colleague and had a photo taken, if that makes him creepy is the OP creepy because she's done the same thing.

Maybe she is a batshit wife.

Maybe it's my overactive imagination but the fact that the wife is resorting to contacting OP over a simple work night out leads me to the conclusion he hasn't always made life easy for her.

This is actually a GDPR breach. Your boss only has your number in the capacity of work related activities and the associated organisation of that. He has failed to store that data securely and you’ve been exposed to (albeit currently low level) harassment.

As others have said, I wouldn’t reply. If boss is away for an extended period & depending on your (professional) relationship with him would influence next steps. But I actually would document this with HR. If your boss’ wife says she wants you fired, and he goes on to make your life a living hell, you’ll question why you didn’t flag this when it happened. It doesn’t need to be made a big deal of, but you do need to protect yourself.

Or she is a controlling jealous woman who makes his life hell?

My experience of a paranoid partner who is constantly accusing you of things you haven't done means I can see the other side. Neither of us know, all we do know is his wife has sent inappropriate messages to a woman she doesn't know.

I wonder if she really thinks she'd get a reply admitting everything if the OP was having an affair with him. Is that likely?

agree
nothing to see, it was work, that was all

I would react. Just state that you and your boss were both there for the awards. I take it it was a work related ceremony and dinner. So say it was work-related - nothing else, and he'll be able to explain.
I can't understand the advice to say nothing. That makes you look guilty or at least strange.
Just give your view of the event and let him deal with the rest.

Simply reply with the truth that you were attending a works event. No need to elaborate as there is nothing to say .
Hi , the photo was taken at work event I attended along with a colleague. I’m sure you were aware your DH was attending in his capacity as manager along with other representatives from the company.

@PassUstheJaffaCakes

A taxi ride to an event is quite intimate, especially the whole divert to your home and picking up thing (dating undertones). I would not have done this but don't think you were wrong exactly, just naive.

Too late now. The wife has reached out, you can assume good faith or assume that she wants another target to lash out at. I would reply with a basic facts based message. She either replies "thanks+sorry about that" which would get a "no problem" from me, or starts following up with neurotic requests for details which I would ignore.

I’d contact your boss via work email and tell him that you’re concerned about the messages received. I’d also speak with HR for their advice. You need to protect yourself. I certainly wouldn’t engage with either your boss or his DW over text from a personal phone. HR should allow you to log it without acting on it.

A joint taxi ride is totally normal. If I was going with colleagues to the same place, I wouldn't think twice if it made sense to share a taxi or share a ride, whether male or female. It's not intimate at all.

That’s just the reality of corporate expense policies in budget sensitive (most) organisations. I’ve shared taxi’s many times with colleagues, it doesn’t mean anything’s going on.

Message your boss and tell him and ask him to resolve it. If that isn’t the end of it go to hr.

I like this plan. The message suggestions for the wife could be read by someone unhinged as provocative. You don't have to justify yourself to this woman.
Screenshot and email to boss. As you say his circus and monkeys.

This is absolutely ridiculous. A taxi ride to the event is intimate! I can’t even count the amount of times I have been to a work event and been picked up in a taxi at my home (which my husband and kids waved me off from) and my boss/colleague is in the taxi already or we are heading to pick them up.

Creepy? How does he sound creepy?

I don't understand why you wouldn't just reply with the facts? As for going to HR - why? Much ado about nothing.

I think you need to leave this alone now OP. Ignore the wife and speak with boss on his return. No need for HR. You are already thinking about this too much by imagining how he may have cheated previously etc… not your business and best to stop the mind wondering

This isn’t a HR issue - but a husband / wife issue! Do not message the wife back but do email your boss with screenshots and let him deal with it!