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Original poster

Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

798 replies

PassUstheJaffaCakes · 20/10/2025 23:42

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

OP posts:
PumpkinSpiceAndEverythingNice · 21/10/2025 07:02

I would go to HR. Then it doesn’t look like you were hiding anything. I’d wait for their advice on what to do after that.

IDontHateRainbows · 21/10/2025 07:04

I work in HR and we're not some sort of police force as many people think. Don't go to HR at this stage. Boss will work closely with HR on resource issues id imagine ( most bosses do) and this will embarrass him. Let him sort it out first. Don't respond to wife.

ButtonMushrooms · 21/10/2025 07:12

I would reply and say: I attended this event in a work capacity and there is nothing going on with me and your husband. Why wouldn't you try to put her mind at rest?

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Relationship problems
VegemiteOnToast · 21/10/2025 07:14

I wouldn't go to HR at this stage. The wife is not an employee and your boss hasn't done anything wrong that we know about. I probably would reply because I am an over-communicator, just something like, "Hi, I am X, I work with your husband, we took a photo at the recent X event with [celebrity] to share with the team."
And I'd definitely message your boss and let him know you have received these messages.

MrsPinkCock · 21/10/2025 07:14

I agree that this is not an issue for HR.

I would be messaging the boss direct though. Preferably far before his leave ends, so he can get over the embarrassment a little (I’d be mortified if my DH sent a message like that to my staff!)

popdepop · 21/10/2025 07:16

Don't go to HR. Give your boss the opportunity to sort it out. Screenshot the messages. Don't message her. Speak to your boss when he is back. In the meantime forget about it and dont fuel in any way.

curious79 · 21/10/2025 07:21

Why ignore her?
just say you’re a work colleague it was a work event and there is nothing more to add

CuddlyPug · 21/10/2025 07:22

I am astonished people think that a taxi ride to an event is "quite intimate, especially the whole divert to your home and picking up thing (dating undertones)." It's even more peculiar when you read that they apparently left from the work lobby - at least according to OP's original post. Sometimes I despair about English people's inability to read what is presumably their own language rather than wittering on about intimate journeys in taxis.

idri · 21/10/2025 07:22

I would probably have messaged my boss already to say I’d received these messages. I don’t think it matters if she reads the texts. I would just make it obvious in them that clearly nothing has been going on and if he could make sure she’s aware of that etc.

100% not a HR issue as others are saying.

Bunnycat101 · 21/10/2025 07:26

I think a short message to say there in a professional capacity and please don’t contact again. I would also flag to HR in case it escalates.

Years ago I was in an organisation where a crazy girlfriend emailed at least 50 people to say her boyfriend was sleeping with another colleague (who was married). They weren’t and it caused such a lot of upset. The poor lady in your position had done nothing wrong and has become the subject of gossip, large stress etc

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 21/10/2025 07:28

Or even a shorter. “This was a work event”

Owly11 · 21/10/2025 07:30

I would not reply, block her and make a record of it. I would also not tell your boss. It's totally unfair but sometimes it's a case of shoot the messenger and he may feel it's you causing trouble and/or he may feel embarrassed about his wife's behaviour. Messages don't always arrive where they are supposed to so I would stay completely quiet as if you have never received them, and only produce your record of them if anything goes tits up.

Wellnowlookhere · 21/10/2025 07:37

Go to HR to cover yourself - you do not want to let his personal issues stop you from being invited to/involved in work events in future so he doesn’t get grief at home. You simply being a woman may cause him enough trouble that you are overlooked for similar things next time.
So cut this one off at the pass and report early, to avoid discrimination in future.

Sassylovesbooks · 21/10/2025 07:41

Personally, I'd screenshot the messages and say 'Bob, for your information. Please deal with this situation with your wife, as I don't appreciate being accused of unsavoury behaviour, when I haven't done anything wrong. As you know I am very happily married and my attendance at the X event on X with you was purely in a professional capacity. My husband was very much aware that we were attending together. Thanks Sarah'. I most definitely wouldn't ignore the messages completely. I think that will add fuel to the fire, where his wife is concerned. If she's checking his phone, then she'll see the messages. If you receive further messages, then unfortunately, that may end up being an HR issue.

ThirdStorm · 21/10/2025 07:44

I was at an industry awards evening with some colleagues earlier this year. We won so lots of pictures of us in magazines! It was a fun night. Decent dinner and some dancing. I was the only women attending. I don’t know all the colleagues all that well, I work directly with some, not at all with others. I’m single. To my knowledge some are married.

I’d be mortified if this happened to me. And embarrassed for him that is OH thought it was ok to hassle a work colleague. It was a work event! I’d block and do nothing. I know I’ve done nothing inappropriate. The only person she needs to talk to about her concerns is him.

sorry this happened to you.

Whatado · 21/10/2025 07:45

There is zero chance as a woman in a leadership team it would even cross my mind to go to HR about this.

I would speak to my manager on his return to work. I would have blocked the number if it was hers as its his I would ignore.

In the very unlikely event it appeared in the future that this incident has impacted on my ability of inclusion in certain things or impacted on my role then and only then would I.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 21/10/2025 07:47

A taxi ride is intimate?

I’ve read it all now. Do you take a chaperone with you every time you call an Uber?

Is a bus some kind of orgy on wheels?

Original poster
PassUstheJaffaCakes · 21/10/2025 07:47

tamade · 21/10/2025 06:25

@PassUstheJaffaCakes

A taxi ride to an event is quite intimate, especially the whole divert to your home and picking up thing (dating undertones). I would not have done this but don't think you were wrong exactly, just naive.

Too late now. The wife has reached out, you can assume good faith or assume that she wants another target to lash out at. I would reply with a basic facts based message. She either replies "thanks+sorry about that" which would get a "no problem" from me, or starts following up with neurotic requests for details which I would ignore.

Dating undertones? What?!

We were both away from home in a city we were both unfamiliar with. My boss and I live over 100 miles apart and he's never been to my home. We were staying in the same hotel, there were other staff staying there too, as there was a conference on in the day. Company wouldn't have paid for separate taxis. What should I have done, paid out of my own pocket to go separately so as not to upset his wife, who I had no clue would have an issue with it? I had no idea he hadn't told her he was going with a female colleague. I had told my DH, because we have a normal relationship where going to a boring work event with your colleague or manager does not = a date.

OP posts:
DBD1975 · 21/10/2025 07:47

DrearyDiary · 20/10/2025 23:47

Oh, what a horrible situation to be in.

I wonder if it's worth reporting to HR, just in case it becomes harassment? Or asking them for advice?

I think I'd send one message saying you were there in a professional capacity only and that she should discuss any concerns with DH, then ignore. But that might not be the best advice.

This totally, seek confidential advice from HR.
I had a similar situation with a work colleague whose wife had mental health issues and was an alcoholic, she ended up making my life hell and her husband used me to feed into her anxieties.
It caused a lot of stress, anxiety and problems for me (I ended up having to involve the police).
The work colleague involved was just a work colleague we had no contact outside of work, we were not friends and I am very happily married. To say this woman was obsessed with me was an understatement, please seek help and support OP as this situation could quickly escalate.

EvelynBeatrice · 21/10/2025 07:50

Your first priority is to protect yourself and your employment. I’d certainly go to HR. Make it clear you’re blameless and affronted. She may come to the work premises next and I’m afraid that nasty rumours about this will still be damaging to you. Get in first.

IAmUsingTheApplauseReactionSarcastically · 21/10/2025 07:51

CuddlyPug · 21/10/2025 07:22

I am astonished people think that a taxi ride to an event is "quite intimate, especially the whole divert to your home and picking up thing (dating undertones)." It's even more peculiar when you read that they apparently left from the work lobby - at least according to OP's original post. Sometimes I despair about English people's inability to read what is presumably their own language rather than wittering on about intimate journeys in taxis.

It wouldn’t be a MN thread without Captain Hindsight making an appearance tho

CottageLoaf · 21/10/2025 07:51

strawgoh · 20/10/2025 23:58

I'd go to HR with this now. Let them know you have received communication from her about this event, and remind HR you were there in your professional capacity only. Then wait for your boss to return to work and speak to him about it. When is he due back at work?

Definitely this. She saw the texts and pictures so can see it was a work event. You are being accused of something you haven't done, so rather than feeling sorry for her, I'd feel annoyed. You do not want your work reputation to be in any way damaged.

Unescorted · 21/10/2025 07:51

Assuming that your HR colleagues are able to muster a nuanced response I would let them know as I would want to protect me first if it blew up. Either because she persisted & escalated and or he was unable to "nip it in the bud".

Send a screen shot / forward a copy of the message with a note to say "just letting you know that I received this via company email / phone. I assume that it will run its course and no harm has been done on this occasion, but in case it become more than it should please note that my relationship with Boss is professional and nothing more"

In the circumstances my HR colleagues would take no further action - the boss would never know. But if needed you have it on record that it is confected nonsense and you are an innocent victim caught in someone else's domestic drama.

If you leave it to him to nip it in the bud you have to rely on him being more effective in his relationship with his wife than he has demonstrated to date. If you go back to his wife you are inserting yourself into their drama and you run the risk of her taking the view that because you responded she must be right.

NetZeroZealot · 21/10/2025 07:55

I’d reply once saying that you were there in a professional capacity, married and she should stop harassing you.

i did this once with a nutty woman who called my mobile asking why my number was in her husband’s phone. Still got no idea who it was.

perimenopoppet · 21/10/2025 07:55

Under no circumstances engage with the wife. Block her number immediately.

Although my first instinct would also be HR, on reflection this could blow things out of all proportion when literally nothing has happened, and cause more issues for everyone.

I would screenshot the message and email it to my boss only, using my and his work email account, not phones. Stating as others have said very formally that to do not wish to be involved but I am making him aware of this inappropriate contact from his wife and that you do not expect to have any further messages or baseless accusations made against you or you will report to HR.

It’s then traceable by HR with evidence of your professional reaction and a date stamp should there be any future issues or investigation.