Boss's wife - WTH do I do?

[PassUstheJaffaCakes]

Using throwaway acct for this as it's sensitive.

My boss's wife has become convinced something is going on between us because we attended a black tie awards ceremony together (as in we went together in a taxi and sat at the same table, absolutely nothing else!) and she clearly checked his phone and found 2 photos of us at the event. He sent them to me afterwards so I could send them to my team, as it was hosted by a minor celebrity who was in the photos with us. We have never even exchanged WhatsApps outside work before. Literally a few messages saying he booked the taxi for x time, see you in the lobby, and a couple joking afterwards about some of the very drunk people on our table.

I got a message from her the day after asking who I am and what was I doing in a photo with her husband. I didn't reply initially because I was taken aback. I've since had a couple more, with a more insistent tone. Boss has been off on leave since the event.

I have no idea what to say, since it seems manager hasn't told his wife he was there with a female colleague. No idea if there's a history of cheating, we don't discuss personal lives in depth. We know each other's spouses' names, kids names, ask politely about the family etc but other than basic details I know little about his family life. I have heard rumours he used to be a party animal on work nights out, but sounds like that's years ago and when he was more junior, and I've never seen it. I've never even known him drink at a work do. I'm a senior manager, I'm married, and I pride myself on my professionalism. I certainly don't want any rumours starting.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really? Do I just stay out of it, let my boss know when he gets back and let him deal with his own affairs?

I think the wife must already know you are a work colleague. Lots of people have affairs at work so it doesn’t seem to have reassured her much.

I agree with those saying that you shouldn’t reply to her and instead send a short, professional message to your boss just stating that his wife has got the wrong end of the stick and you would appreciate if he could clear it up.

It's a hard one because if you do reply, it opens the flood gates for more messages but at the same time, there's the want to reassure this woman that there's nothing going on. I've been that anxious woman texting another woman desperate for answers. If you do reply, I wouldn't be short and abrupt. Something gentle, showing some compassion, I think (from experience) would be better. I text two woman whom I suspected my ex was cheating with. The first was a work colleague of my ex. She replied with an abrupt, curt message saying she was behaving in a professional capacity....blah blah blah, and I wasn't convinced (it emerged they were actually shagging). The second woman I text replied very differently and I believed her. She was reassuring and kind in her reply. I had suspected the second one initially because my ex was stalking her LinkedIn and Twitter, commenting on her posts and implying he was single. They weren't shagging, she wasn't interested, but it turned out there were multiple other women.

This. Go slow at this. Don't engage with her, engage with him in a formal manner. If she deletes it, you can prove you sent it. If it gets nasty, take it to HR at that point.

There's no benefit in pissing off your boss at this stage. Protect yourself.

Im really not following all of this. Why would you ever get HR involved. Why not respond to the poor woman? Much more likely to escalate if you block or ignore her. Hi, this was a work event for [name of enployer] and I was attending [event name] in a professional capacity only. [Tom] sent the pictures so that we could distribute to the team. Hope this clarifies everything for you and suggest you speak to [Tom] if you need anymore information. Kind regards. Then send a screenshot to Tom on his work email and forget about it.

I'd leave HR out of it for now and talk to him when he gets back, making it clear you want no more messages from him or his wife on personal matters.

If you were a worried DW, would you want the woman you suspected to message back and say there's nothing going on? Or would a denial not help really?

I think she is marking her territory rather than expecting any response to reassure her.

This. I don’t understand why so many are advising you not to reply to her. Why not? It can’t hurt boss for you to tell the truth (unless he is happy for his DW to suspect you when he is really having an affair with someone else).

Reply to her, simply telling her the facts, then block her. Using another phone to ring or text boss is a good idea, again just telling him the facts of what his DW accused you of and what you replied.

None of this would be "interfering". You are already involved (unfairly) so I really can’t see the problem with you simply stating the facts.

Sorry but she’s not a ‘poor woman’ - whatever the state of their marriage it isn’t acceptable for her to be contacting OP like this. If my spouse did this I would be furious - it is so unprofessional and has OP speculating he’s some sort of serial cheat

if she has an issue in her marriage she should take it up with her husband

the reasonOP should log this with HR is to ensure the wife doesn’t create any issues in further. Nip it in the bud. Embarrassing for the boss to have his dirty washing hung at work but that’s not OPs problem

and sharing a taxi is intimate? Next you’ll be criticised for staying in the same hotel!

I wouldn’t jump to “there is nothing going on” in the message. I was going to say reply in a factual way that I attended the awards ceremony and we had this picture taken with x celebrity. Keep it polite as she is bosses wife - it could make things look suspicious if you don’t reply.

I think you should message your boss. Maybe something like:

’Hi Boss, following the event last week, I have received unpleasant messages from an unknown person saying they are your wife. The insinuation is that there was something improper about my attendance at the event. I wanted to give you the heads up, as I will be raising it with HR if it happens again.’

If his wife does see it, the only thing she can take from it is that she is barking up the wrong tree.

@ForLimeBiscuit because the OP was carrying out her work duties. HR are there to resolve work based issues. She has no relationship with her bosses wife and it is not for her to navigate the drama in her boss's life.

If it becomes a larger issue than it is then the has protected herself against accusations of unprofessionalism. In this situation she is the victim and owes neither the boss or his wife anything. If it gets messy, and if the wife is making things up and he has form for being a player then it could easily go that way, then the OP has demonstrated that she is the reasonable & professional one. If they get a subsequent email from the wife saying the OP and her husband are bringing the company into disrepute then HR will be able to see that the OP notified them of a potential problem and will give the OP's version of the events more weight.

I most definitely would NOT text him while he's on holiday. Imagine the trouble that could cause and you're now involved in their family business.

Just ignore - and then when he gets back have a quiet word.
Do not respond directly to her.

I agree with those who say report it to HR. You need a good paper trail on this as you have no idea how your boss may end up reacting. He may decide to make you a scapegoat. That sounds horrible but the point is to make sure you look after yourself first and not mess about trying to protect, safeguard or help him. Go to HR.

How embarrassing and humiliating for everyone involved.

Possible exclusion from future work events is a slight concern I have, to be honest. Women at my level are the minority, despite overall the industry I work in being female dominated in the rank and file. The team I manage is mostly women. We did have another director at my boss's level years ago whose wife caused all manner of trouble, but in that case, he was actually shagging about. Didn't stop him getting to exec level, but it did have a big impact on the career of (both!) OW when it all came out, as well as his PA at the time, who was publicly accused of being the OW, but actually wasn't. Mud sticks, even when erroneously thrown.

I know the double standards unfortunately, and that's why I've always been scrupulously careful to build a solid, professional reputation as someone who can be trusted to represent the business at senior level without any concerns. I do not want whatever nonsense is going on in my boss's private life to compromise that.

What are HR supposed to do? This woman isn't an employee, the two actual employees haven't done anything wrong. If the harassment continues it's a police matter not an HR matter

Does your boss pick up his emails whilst on leave? Maybe a quick email saying that his wife has contacted you and seems to be upset about the work event and then you also have it on record?

They may not be able to do anything but just reporting it may be necessary to cover OP’s back. You never know what accusations people like this might make next regarding professional misconduct etc and the husband/op’s boss might throw her under the bus. So she needs to cover herself. If I sound cynical it is because I have n been around a long time and have almost seen it all.

People asking why involve HR for a personal matter

it isn’t a personal matter - being a woman in the workplace can be really shit when it’s assumed you have had an affair with a senior. This happened to a friend of mine - he was actually having an affair with someone outside of work but she was labelled as a trouble maker and a marriage wrecker. She was the one who had to find a new job

by logging it with HR it will hopefully nip it in the bud

I would forward to boss and say something that makes it plain there was nothing going on for if his wife checks the phone again. Something like "I have no idea why but your wife has contacted me - bit stunned that she thinks something might be going on because we both went to a works do"

OMG Please don't report it to HR!
How embarrassing for the poor man that his private businesses logged with HR forever.

He will absolutely hate you for this.

Neither of you have done anything wrong and you're not in any trouble so why on earth would you do that?

Dont.

Yep, have seen it happen.

just reply and move on. Do you usually enjoy so much drama? She’s asking you to clarify - I would assume there’s more to it in terms of their relationship but you are just adding to the flames by not nipping it in the bud.

”hi, I’m Jane and work with Dave. We were both at the event and Dave shared the photo with me so I could send it to the team. Nothing more than that, just a professional work relationship.”

or message your boss. Unless you’re having an affair and sending inappropriate messages why would it matter if she sees it?

How? You could be having an affair and deny it, notifying HR proved nothing. I say again if the harassment continues it is a police matter. Who knows how unbalanced this woman might be, a real physical danger.

In send one message you can put 2 numbers on the text and send it to both of them saying you’ve done nothing more than attend a works event that your company invited you to

I think I would be a little tempted to send a group message to both him and his wife, with screenshots of the original messages, saying that you were at a work event, that these messages are inappropriate and that you are angry at the accusations. That you would be blocking the wives number, and any further contact or accusations would result in the situation being reported to HR.