Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

He's taking the piss. Tell him to play golf on any other day and be incredibly grateful for the level of help he already gets.

I think £30 is fine. If he doesnt like it then he either needs to get more carers in or give up the golfing.

First response has it

Your dad is being ridiculous. It's not 1990 anymore, £30 is not a lot of money.

I'm really on the fence with this one. On one hand, you do a lot for your dad and if he has loads in the bank he shouldn't begrudge giving your daughter £30

However, I dunno, I think going round to see her nan, keeping her company and doing a bit of housework is what family do for each other anyway - and not charge for it. Your dad getting out to play golf will do him the world of good, and definitely should be encouraged.

So I really don't know if YABU or not.

Thank you. My dad is very tight with money and very much stuck in the past. I was starting to feel really guilty for even suggesting it.

She does go and see them at other times and as I have said on my OP, I go myself at least 5 days a week and have done so for the last 5+ years. My parents have lots of help from us as a family including my sister and My bil and my DH.

Do you have any siblings? If so, how do they feel about this? I'm asking beause SiL made a career out of 'looking after' MiL and paid herself for every interaction - started off small and gradually over the years this translated into a full time wage. Be very careful that this doesn't cause resentment in the family, because there are normal family things such as visiting where payment wouldn't normally be expected.

You've said yourself that DD desperately wants a PT job to have some pocket money. It's good of her to offer a whole afternoon per week (a lot of teens wouldn't consider this). Be honest with your dad that she can't afford to give up a whole afternoon, as she needs a job for her expenses.

Ditto the PP who said first response has it. OP, I just wanted to say I really feel for you. That’s another layer of rubbish on an already quite rubbish situation. It’s easy to say but try to talk yourself out of the guilt. You’re doing right by your DD and no wrong by your parents.

I think it’s reasonable to expect your Dd to visit her Nan now and again and help her.
However it’s unreasonable to expect her to do this every week at certain time for these amounts of hours. If it’s like this it’s a big commitment. I’m sure if it’s medical emergency or similar she will do it for free. But it’s different so I would expect your Dad to pay.
However ime it wouldn’t work with family, he is already trying to move goalposts and add another day. So for the sake of good relationship I would tell him that she’s busy with exams/ work/ whatever and he needs to get carers.

Hundreds of thousands in the bank and he won’t pay his granddaughter college student £30. What a prick.

Moans about paying that but happy to pay for golf? Well he can make his choices can't he.

I have a sister, she works full time and comes in whenever she can. She is fully onboard. Btw, I have not made a career from looking after my parents, I have never asked for any money over the last 5 years, in fact not working has meant I am the one out of pocket hence the reason I am now returning to work. I have saved my father goodness knows how much money from carers and home help fees.

Thank you. It has been beyond difficult trying to keep my father happy and watching my dear mum decline so much over these last few years. I do everything I can for them because I understand just how hard it must be for dad but he is quite naturally selfish and I sometimes think he fails to see this is destroying me (and my sister) too.

I also think that it’s your chance to break his attitude. As it is he who wants to play golf he might consider getting carers in for this, it will benefit him.
He wouldn’t fork out money for someone else’s benefit.

YABU for only asking for £30.

Your daughter's time is only worth £7.50 an hour when the NLW is £12.21 an hour?

Ask your dad for £50 for her time, that is only fair if he is getting some cleaning out of it too!!!

You don’t charge family

Helpful

I'm not accusing you of making a career out of it, I was explaining what SiL did - DH was not on board with her giving up her job (because it suited her) and then taking MiL's money, which I why I advised checking with your sibling/s first. When money is transferring hands in a family for something like this then it's important that everyone is on board and it's open and transparent. If your sister is happy with this arrangement then go for it.

Oh, is that "the law"?!

Must have missed that 🙄

Sounds fine to me

Well it is the answer though isn't it? He's retired and can play whenever he likes.

I think he's the one with the cognitive issues. Stand firm and do not enable his despicable meanness. Some mutually agreeable solution can be found, if it suits your daughter. Make sure of that bit. Dad needs a wake up call and no further enabling. IMV.

He’s expecting a lot of free labour from the female family members in order to swan off and enjoy his golf, isn’t he?

Stuck to your guns. Tell him this is exactly WHY he has wealth in savings, to support his and his wife’s needs in later retirement. And it is also your Mum’s money. So she can have it spent on support while he spends ££ on golf.

And tell him how much he has saved through having had family members give so much help. And you will not stand by and see your Dd exploited.