Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

I wouldn't drag your daughter into this, paid or unpaid. She's not responsible for facilitating his golf. If he wants free time he needs to sort it himself. He sounds very ungrateful for all you have done for him so far.

Wow, you're either a lot kinder than me, or more of a pushover than me.

You've given up your job and financial security to look after your mum and help your dad, and he's playing golf!

I'd put an end to all of it, go back to paid employment, and free yourself from the burden.

No not at all. You've literally given up work to help care because your dad doesn't want to pay someone despite being able to afford it? He's taking the mick.

Sorry if I missed this, but if she is only getting 3 carers a day, and you've had to provide this level of support for the past 5yrs, I'd be asking social services for another review. They will likely suggest a care home, but possibly up the visits to 4x a day offer more respite for your dad.

I have been having some counselling over the last few weeks as I ended up in complete burnout and needed some help. My lovely counsellor is helping me to see a little more clearly and I am starting to make some headway and sense out of the last few years.

I am a people pleaser and have done everything I can to help my dad over the last few years with little thanks. I see on here there are some people who believe that we as children should put ourselves out for our elderly parents but I do wonder if they have actually done this in RL themselves or have had any experience of dementia care. It is one thing doing a bit of shopping or taking an elderly parent to a hospital appointment etc, dementia care is on a whole other level and it gets worse drip by drip so one day you are simply helping out, you blink and before you know it you are changing soiled adult nappies.

I couldn’t imagine taking money from my grandparents to spend time with them when they need help. But I also can’t imagine asking my teen daughter to take on a care role.
She needs a part time job for money and you’re conflating that need with your mother’s need for care - it’s not the solution. Is she expected to help her grandmother go to the toilet? Take medication? Taking money for care creates an awkwardness in their grandparent/grandchild relationship.
Keep your daughter out of the care responsibilities rota - just let her drop in and visit, offer help when she wants to help, but not paid care.

I'd ask him if he could see it more as supporting your DD towards getting her college qualifications than being paid as caring for your mum, and point out that even if he/they last another 20-30 years chances are those £30 amounts will be lost in inheritance tax anyway, so he may as well help your DD through college.

You have given up work to help. They have a lot of money. Yes they should pay. (Unpopular but I'm firmly of the opinion I cant take it with me and I don't need it so why wouldn't I spend it all on my family? Otherwise the taxman will just get it.) As I have written this I have watched the thread unfold.
You are exhausted. Everyone is.
You and your DD do not owe them your financial security just because they are family. It's not about 'morals' that's bollocks.
It's also not about ought to or should.
It's about survival and you are too tired. That's no one's fault, not yours, not your mother's, not even your father's really. And you are all so blinded by caring and responsibility it's difficult to see. Which is ok and normal.
You are doing a great job. Be kind to yourself and advocate for you both.

Has he said what he’s saving all this money for?

You literally gave up a job and a salary to care for him and your mother, and now he's claiming he's being ripped off because you're asking for £30 for your daughter to supervise an elderly woman with dementia while he goes off to play golf? He's taking the piss and he needs to be a lot more bloody grateful for the help he gets from you.

Because dementia obviously gets worse over time, it started off just helping out and then got worse month by month, year by year. It just creeps up on you.

My mum took a fall in the summer and fractured her neck, she stayed in hospital for over 3 weeks. She went in continent and returned home double incontinent because the hospital staff allowed her to soil the bed and because she has dementia that became her new normal sadly.

Because my parents have well over the £23,250 threshold for council care SS are not interested, we have had 4 assessments over the last 5 years, they can offer very little. All the care has to be paid for privately.

He does have an out dated mindset that family should go out of their way to help each other although the truth is he never once did anything for his elderly parents Ah yes, the family rallies round. In truth the vast majority of the time this plays out as the women in the family rally round.

I think £30 is more fair to him than to your DD, but if she’s happy with it that’s all that matters. Stick to your guns OP, old men are very good at giving out their orders.

Sadly, it's the latter. I realise now I am having counselling what a pushover and people pleaser I really have been over the years.

Also I cared for both parents as they died. I was 16 when my 50 year old father got dementia. It was brutal and hard and he was in a care home eventually but yet I still had to do alot (including nappies) and at one point I was the only person who could control him or he would answer to. It's now more than 25 years later and despite how gruelling it was (worse with mum actually - maybe because I was older!) it was my absolute privilege to care for my parents as they died. Caring for them turned me into the person I am. It made me strong, resilient, practical and gave me boundaries. Your daughter can do this 4 hours a week if she is able to and wants to. It might be the making of her.

It sounds like your mum needs full time care. You have worked really hard and given up a lot to look after your mum but nobody sounds happy with the situation. You will burn out and start to resent your dad for being selfish. This is your time to stand back a bit and tell your dad this is not working for anyone, including him or your mum. Hopefully the respite in November will convince your dad your mum would be better off being looked after full time in a good care home. 💐

wtf? Tell him £50 now

She will not need to do any care other than make mum a sandwich and sit with her and watch a film or music on YT and perhaps fold some laundry and/or run the hoover around. The carers will be in to do the personal care and I will be working from home literally 3 mins drive away from my parents house. I would never expect my dd to do any personal care and she would not want to either.

I think I’d agree with you if it wasn’t necessary for it to be such a regular agreement. In this scenario I’d say she needs paying.

He's getting an £80 service for £30. What a PISS taker he is.

I really feel for you. My Dad needs a lot of care, and just doesn't understand the huge sacrifices that people make for him. GAH!

Thank you. I am sorry you poor dad got dementia so young and glad you have come out stronger as a result.

Sadly, it has not had the same impact on me, it has broken me. Hopefully, one day I can look back as a stronger person but I suppose it depends on how your parents treated you, my dad just takes and expects. My father in law on the other hand needed some care recently following a very difficult operation and was so grateful, it felt completely different from my parents situation.

I am sorry, it really does change how you see them.

Care home fees.

...and remind him that shrouds don't have pockets.

He's getting alot of help and at the end of the day he's married in sickness and on health, carers fatigue is real but you all will have it as you're all sharing the load. 30 quid is nothing and he isn't even appreciating the caring impulse you and your daughter have.

It must be incredibly hard for him to see his wife with dementia, it's an awful thing and his whole relationship will have changed with the person he built his life and family with, but he's being a miser for the sake of £30, it's not about him needing time to himself, course he does, it's about being miserly.