Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

Even though DD could otherwise use Friday afternoon to get a job and then DF would have to get another carer in which will cost more money?

If they weren't minted I would say you were being unreasonable. But they are minted but just tight. Tell him to hire a carer for the day on carers rates

I think it would be good for you and your sister to stand firm together in this and tell him he is BU.

I think that’s fair. Especially because they might as well give their grandchild some money while it’s not going on care fees or being taxed as inheritance

As as ad box thing I'd agree but he's also paying for the guarantee that she'll be there each week. Plus this issue has arisen because he refuses to pay for formal help. Sounds like he could afford for a cleaner to come in and do stuff / someone to look after his wife but he doesn't want to pay

I’d say ‘You came to me with a problem. I have offered you a solution that’s cheaper than standard care. It’s your choice from here’. He sounds like he’s part miser, part martyr. He never gets time to himself but when you offer a practical solution he refuses it 🤷🏻‍♀️ You’re doing a lot. It’s not unreasonable to need to work. He has the means to pay either carers or your daughter. He can chose to penny pinch and not have time to himself or pay and have time to himself. I wouldn’t even debate it any more. Just keep saying ‘That’s the solution on offer. Let me know if you want to take me up on it. But DD won’t wait around forever and if a job comes up while you’re debating, she may feel she has to go for it.’

If I were him I'd be giving your daughter pocket money anyway! He has the money, knows she needs the money and he knows his time here is limited. Why hold on to his money?

He does have a out dated mindset that family should go out of their way to help each other although the truth is he never once did anything for his elderly parents yet expects us to do lots for him and I am very annoyed for enabling this for so many years. I do blame myself.

I think it is probably best dd doesn't do this and concentrates on her studies, I was just hoping it was a case of killing two birds etc, dad out doing what he loves and dd gaining a little bit of pocket money. Not such a grand idea after all, perhaps.

I don't play golf, but I'm pretty sure that it costs money to play, so he's willing to spend money if it's on himself. Tell him that he can stay home and save on the golf costs or he can pay your DD and consider it part of the cost of his hobby.

Yes absolutely wrong if u cannot help the poor man out when it's family, so he can 5a life, disgrace sorry

I can't say it's 'they', my mum would have been more generous and the majority of 'their' money is actually hers, it's inheritance from my grandparents, mum is an only child.

OP - there’s a massive difference between a teenager popping in to see her grandparent as and when, and a weekly commitment of four hours that will include a bit of housework, making lunch and taking responsibility. £7.50 per hour is peanuts - I think your father could reasonably give your DD £40 for doing this. If he’s unwilling, suggest he gets someone else in to do it, and remind him that the minimum wage is currently £12.21 for over 21’s. At 17, your DD should be entitled to £7.55 an hour, rising to £10 as soon as she is 18. At £30 for an afternoon, your DF is getting a bargain.

I was a young carer and I'm very careful that my teens don't turn into carers for their grandparents.

4 hours every week is a big commitment and £30 is a very minimal amount of money for that. It wouldn't even cover 1 driving lesson for her.
You father has a choice - no golf vs paying a revolving door of carers who don't love your mother like your daughter does vs giving his granddaughter some pocket money and having someone who loves and cares for her grandmother be with her.

This nails it !

I would also suggest that if she wants some flexibility with this arrangement he has a backup to allow for it and is able to allow her to prioritise something else one week with no guilt attached.

That's exactly what he is. It really does not matter what solution we offer him, he will moan and groan about all of it, you can never reason with my father, or please him. I tell him that money invested is raining day money and now the storm is here but he is dead set on hoarding it and getting the cheapest option out of everything.

I will have to say that to him - give him a take it or leave it situation. I am exhausted from all of it tbh. I am in carers burnout and have had enough.

Not what you're asking, but it sounds as though it may be better all round if your mum went into a care home. I get that families feel an obligation to help each other out, but giving up your job to care for her, when she has other carers daily is too much to expect imho.

No it’s not the law. It’s about morals.

Perhaps you should tell him how exhausted you are feeling and that if he chooses not to alter things for the better, he is in grave danger of losing all of it..support, practical help, helping hands, free time, golf!

Sometimes selfish blighters need it spelled out in words no bigger than 3 syllables! Good luck.

Does your Mum get Attendance Allowance? This is for over 65s as PIP is for under 65s, doesn’t include mobility - it’s for needs above average to help cover costs for the same and isn’t mean tested. This was applied for for a relative and then used if other relatives were providing above and beyond visits/care, where they either had to travel some distance, provide hands on care/shop etc, turn down alternative work, commit to certain times - it was low cost, more loving care that wasn’t possible in a consistent manner without some assistance. And better than private non family care imo, though could be used for that obviously- maybe this would help for your dad to accept this idea?
The relative in question had plenty of money for their needs, desperately wanted to remain at home and paid for the care package from the council but it didn’t meet all needs really not without a rubbish quality of life - obviously there were also normal, average visits as well.
I think it’s reasonable to pay a little (which £30 is) to get mutual benefits from consistency, respite etc. I don’t think everyone recognised how long added care can go on and how relentless it can feel for everyone not just the immediate care giver if there is one. Committing weekly is a big commitment over time.
Some relatives didn’t want any assistance and felt guilty but couldn’t really help in a regular manner without quietly stressing about cash lost etc - this in the end was agreed and alleviated stress and made all care more enjoyable in a way but most importantly more robust and continuing for the one needing the care.
Maybe it seems a shame not everyone rushes to spend time caring for family for free - but it’s hard, very hard, and particularly for those not direct family - and cost implications do affect people in the real world - I think this would be an ideal solution and your father should understand or find less good, more expensive care for regular golf trips.

I am exhausted from all of it tbh. I am in carers burnout and have had enough.

This is how morals leave women. Plus in poor financial situations due to prioritising unpaid carework over properly paid employment.
We should not allow our children to be in the same position. A teenager does not owe it to their grandparents to be an unpaid and under appreciated carer worker. They owe it to themselves to be forging a life for themselves.

I have spent the last 5 years helping him out so he can have some kind of life. Have you cared for your mum? Spent time changing her soiled nappy, sitting with her whilst she is sobbing uncontrollably and telling you she has had enough and days when she can not even remember who you are? Then having to go home and try to live a normal life.

The only thing that is a disgrace is your pure ignorance. Watching someone you love slowly ebb away from dementia is soul destroying. It doesn't just take the patient, it takes everyone involved.

And that's why I feel it's too much to ask of family.

Dsis and I are pushing for this. Dad has agreed to some respite care for a week in November to give us all a break and I am hoping that he will see that mum will be better cared for and occupied in a good care home. That is our next step/plan.

I’m fully on the side of the OP but speaking to her father like you suggested is no help at all.