Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

Hrft but he should be paying at least the price of his golf round.

I think your dad needs a bit of a rocket. He’s very tight and you’re all sucking it up rather than telling him. You are saving him thousands, while teaching your daughter that sacrificing yourself for male convenience is ok. It’s not. She should be paid minimum wage at least and you should all be a little bit less accommodating of him being a tight git.

Thank you for your kind words.

Tell him how much a sitter through an agency would cost £30 per hour) and he’ll change his mind.

Sorry to hear about your Mum, it is a very difficult position for everyone. If I was your Dad, I would pay my granddaughter £20 an hour and be grateful I have such a wonderful family. What good is money at his age, I would spend it on keeping your mum at home for as long as possible.

I’m with pizzaHeart on this one - it’s not about “ charging family” it’s about the fact that normal ( wealthy) grandparents would want to contribute- and if they are expecting her to give up 4 guaranteed hours at a specific time every week to cover care that’s NOT the same as ad hoc voluntary visits ; and is time she could be studying or working, but is meeting a specific request and “ duty”. Care agencies now charge an absolute minimum of £18 an hour - some over £35 so your Dad knows he has got it good - however if he continues to whinge, I’d definitely say she can’t commit ( exams, movable lecture times, waitresses/ babysitting commitments etc) and keep it to casual visits. He sounds v mean.

I recognise OP from her threads on the Elderly Parents board. She first started posting when her mum's main health issue was her breast cancer and her dad was refusing to pay for any carers to come into their home. OP explained that the money that he was hoarding actually came from her mum's inheritances yet her dad still refused to use the money to make his sick wife more comfortable. He is a selfish miser and it is part of a pattern of behaviour on his part to expect OP and own family to step up and provide the care that he is unwilling to pay for.

£30 for OP's DD to sit with her grandmother for over four hours while OP's dad plays golf (not a cheap sport and I assume that he is using OP's mum's inheritance to pay for his own hobbies) is just a tiny gesture of appreciation.

You poor thing. Your dad is being terribly unfair and should be paying professionals to look after your mum, especially so as he can afford it. You are an absolute star! I’d calculate just how much it cost you in lost income since stopping work to help him, and let him chew that over. The cheek complaining at your suggesting. Go back to work and let him take responsibility, you’ve done more than enough. I’d keep my daughter out of it as he’s so grudging.

It’s a very good deal for your parents, a perfect solution. But. So many old people dig their heels in about paying for care and being’bossed around’. I think you can only keep the offer open and hope your dad sees the point eventually.

If he wants to go off playing golf and go for lunches then I think it’s fair he gives his lovely granddaughter pocket money for helping them for what it’s worth I think he really ought to give her more than that

If he wants more care then he should pay the going rate. Or pay your daughter £30 a day for her help

You could maybe claim attendance allowance instead of you working, but I can’t remember if the carers go and you do their job , but you also need your time and your work me be the answer.
I’ve been there with mum she’s passed now but it was very very hard.
i dont think £30 is too much to ask and if your dad wants to go golfing or anything else he should pay .
just don’t turn up will the carers are in as then they may say you don’t need the carers

@KookyRoseCrab attendance allowance is for the “patient” and is paid to them, they can chose to spend on care, cleaners etc, to support with their incapacity.

Carers’ Allowance is paid by the LA to the (non-professional) carer but is very low (something like £90 a week) and is reduced or removed if the carer earns elsewhere (again at a very low threshold, something like £100 a week of earnings).

Controversially, I’d tell him he needs carers more often/for longer. Your dd shouldn’t be tied to this and nor should you, particularly as there is money available. Is he saving it like my ‘d’m who wants to leave it to me and my brother but would rather hoard it until her death so people (she thinks) will exclaim about her generosity once she dies?

Not mean at all in fact they should pay her more than that.

I could never charge my grandparents for the this, it would feel so wrong. Your dad is there 24/7, he needs a break too!

You gave up your job for them, that’s massive! And he begrudges paying pocket-money for your dd?