Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

Your morals, fine, crack on.

Don't tell others what theirs should be

I remember your other posts @Suffolksettler

Your dad refused to give money (that was actually your DM's inheritance) to buy her new clothes, didn't he?

He's horrible. Either he pays your DD a proper amount or he can forego his golf.

I have great morals. If I didn't do you think I would have given up my time and for the last 5 years to help whenever I can?

Oh button it. The OP gave up her job to help. For no reward.

He is fully aware but chooses to ignore it. Tells me he has no idea why I am so stressed as he is the one living with it 24/7.

I think it’s a low amount. Well below minimum wage for that age.

I remember you now. You shouldn’t let DD get involved in this toxic situation.

Not everyone can afford to give up work to help family.

Mum does get AA and it is put towards the cost of the carers who come 3 times a day.

I'd be tempted to back off, forcing him to pay for care if he wants to go off golfing. I bet you never have time for golfing, OP.

If your mum needs constant company to help with mobility and general safety issues, would she qualify for attendance allowance?

Is someone getting carers allowance, at the higher rate I would hope? Could you daughter be paid out of that? Is your mum getting attendance allowance? Could your daughter be paid out of that? Please make sure you/they are getting all they are entitled to

Thank you. This is why I suggested to my dad he pays dd if he wants some time away. I give at least 35 hours a week to him, I won't allow the same for dd. It will have to be a take it or leave it offer.

He needs to pay up. How tight

Yes, I see this and tend to agree - i.e. none of my family would charge for sitting with gran. But OP's dad is saying £30 is a lot of money and he wants 8 hours for it, not 4, so he is taking advantage and giivng nothing in return, in other words he does not appreciate in any way the help OP is giving or that DD is offering, he sees it as his due. Sounds a bit curmudgeonly, tbh.
So, though I agree playing golf is good for him and that family helps out from love as well as duty and should not expect payment, yet he should pay because he is obviously putting himself first all the time and giving no appreciation for what OP has done.
He sounds a joy tbh and should have more carers in if he wants more time.

Yes that's correct and as you can see, things aren't getting any better which is why I am returning to work just to get away from it all more than anything. I feel I have done my bit, can't offer too much more of myself.

What a mean sod. Let him not play bloody golf.

No, I don't.

He doesn’t want to pay for a service but wants his female relatives to provide it for free. He is taking the piss.

We all do things for family, but this is not what you’d expect a teenager to do. She’ll be doing if for her own mum when she becomes elderly. This is exactly the sort of thing I’d expect my teenager to be paid for.

Golf isn't cheap (ex played and still does)

He needs to pay up

I am so pleased that you have made a plan for yourself.

I always remember a brene brown saying that the most compassionate people are usually the most boundaried.
I have found that the more I am able to say no, the more I am able to say yes, wholeheartedly.

I also think that there's something disempowering of somebody to be at their beck and call and to do things for them that they could be doing. In this case your father very much needs a break but it is also very much in his capacity to solve that so that he can do his golfing.

Of course she's not being unreasonable!! Her parents have hundreds of thousands in the bank and yet her dad put her in the position where she felt she had to give up her job to help out, because he was too tight to pay for carers. She's already doing a lot, and this is taking away from the time her daughter could be studying or having a part time job. If dad wants to play golf he can put his hand in his pocket and pay £80 minimum for carers, or he can be sensible and give his granddaughter a bit of pocket money.

It the majority of the money is your Mum's I'd be pushing Dad to pay for more carers and also a cleaner for 2 hours twice a week to clean the house. When you visit your Mum you should get get good quality time chatting to her not being cleaning.

After spending all these years caring for my parents I have stated to my children they are absolutely not to care for me if I become old and need help, I will not allow it.

And your child shouldn't offer up THEIR time for free, for your Dad to walk all over them and put upon them. It's not right to treat human beings as though they are slaves

Either Dad pays or he doesn't get to play golf.

I'm sure it would be MUCH nicer for your Mum to have her grandchild around than her husband. What a shame your Dad has zero understanding