Is it wrong to ask for money for doing this?

[Suffolksettler]

For context:- My parents are elderly (in their early 80's) and whilst dad is in good health both physically and mentally sadly mum is not. She has various issues including advancing dementia and spends every day sitting in her recliner watching tv or snoozing.

We have carers come in 3 times a day for around 20 minutes each time. Over the last 6 years I have been going round to my parents house (they live just around the corner from me) approx 5 days a week to help. Last year I gave up work to help dad as he was really struggling.

Dad feels trapped, he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but refuses to ask the carers to come more as he says it costs enough as it is. He will not pay for a sit in service as these are usually around £20 per hour. As I say, I go round most week days and often one day at the weekend.

Unfortunately with the cost of living rising I have no choice but to return to work as money is getting tight. I have been offered some work which initially will be two days a week and potentially more at a later date. I really need the money.

Dad wants to go back to golfing on a Friday but unfortunately that is one of the days I will be returning to work so DD17 has offered to sit with mum, make her lunch, let the carers in at 2pm and do some housework and keep mum company, mum is really good and never causes any hassle. Dad will be away from 12.30-4.30. I have suggested that he pays dd £30, this will give her a bit of pocket money, she is at college Mon-Wed. She has been desperately looking for a part time job but to no avail, teen jobs are so hard to find in our area.

However, my dad is moaning and says this is a lot of money and ideally he would like dd to sit with mum on a Thursday as well, for that 'kind' of money. I have said no because a) I already sit with mum on a Thursday whilst he goes food shopping and grans some lunch, b) dd is a college Mon-Wed and needs several days a week to revise and study and c) most paid for sit in services charge at least £20 per hour and they would be strangers, at least mum knows dd and is comfortable with her so surely £30 isn't too much to ask for 4 hours? Dad keeps 'joking' that we are ripping him off!

For what it is worth my parents are very well off with hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank.

Is it mean of us to ask for this £30 for dd to give up 4+ hours of her time? I am feeling quite guilty that I suggested it now.

You have already provided a lot of yourself, OP, and I think stepping back is the right thing to do, for your own sake.
Does your DD even want to sign up to this commitment? It's asking a lot of her, and will totally change the relationship has with her GPs.
Another SS review would at least capture any deterioration in your DM's condition, which might focus your DF's mind. He's only been able to cope up to now thanks to an army of (female) helpers, paid and unpaid, and the unpaid ones (eg you) are untrained. Your DM may reach a point of needing trained care 24/7, if she hasn't already.

We have had 4 assessments in 5 years, I have contacted them time and time again. Believe me when I say they are not interested. As long as my parents have money and the 2 carers in three times a day they are happy that mum's care needs are being met and ours as carers. I've literally contacted everyone I can. We have also had OT assessments since mum's fall too.

Your DM may reach a point of needing trained care 24/7, if she hasn't already.

I was thinking that for someone who is doubly incontinent three visits a day doesn't seem a lot.

Talk about entitlement! He needs to be bloody grateful he’s being offered help full stop!

My DD doesn't want to be a carer. It's one thing sitting with her nan, a woman she loves and has known all her life but another to do personal care for complete strangers.

She is training to be a SFX make up artist, caring isn't really something in her list of career choices.

My mum has dementia and has no capacity. It is nothing like sitting with an elderly relative and having a little natter and cup of tea.

Sorry but I think it’s disgusting to ask for money from parents/gp.
did they charge you for every time they did stuff for you? It’s your parents! Mum needs care! How can you possibly charge for that?
just be aware that if this is how you are teaching your kids, you should expect to need to pay them for when they assist you in your elderly years. Horrible!

Sadly not anymore, well not in our area. There were several open pre-covid times but they all closed after that. It's your standard day centres, respite care in a home or full time care homes.

Hopefully mum will have a week or two in respite at the end of November and we will go from there.

Do be quiet. OP already does loads and has already bent over backwards for them. She gave up work for goodness sake!

Family also support their youngsters to earn babysitting and chores money, especially when they’re in full time education. I paid my DD to do the dishwasher every night. When I was in college my aunt paid me to babysit my little cousin. Family isn’t a one way street. We help each other. In this case, GD needs help to provide care for his wife, while DD needs money to help pay for things at college. £30 a week is fair and she should receive more if he can afford it.

DD is more than happy, it was she who suggested it.

Mum will need 24/7 care in the near future, she has had Alzheimer's for 7 years so is definitely entertaining the later stages and is why we are pushing for respite care to get a feel for a care home setting but right now she is ok sitting in her recliner every day with the carers coming in but I appreciate this situation won't last. Both DD and I know this is only temporary so it was not a suggestion for a long term, we know it will be short lived.

I agree with this. I couldn’t imagine charging my nan for my time!

Does you nan have advanced dementia?

Did you miss the bit where OP gave up work and financial security to provide care whilst her dad swans off golfing? I think its disgusting to try and make someone who is already at their limit feel guilty when they're already giving so much. You should be ashamed of yourself @nosleepforme

Growing up, A friend of mine was her mother's carer when she got dementia when friend was also 16 then again 4 years later when her father also was diagnosed with dementia, she cared for them both for 15 months until her mother died then a further year until her father did.
It destroyed her. Completely destroyed her, she was broken, exhausted, had left school and saw no way out of the depression she had ended up in. She was also strong and practical and incredible but when her (considerably older) brother was diagnosed with a life limiting illness and it was suggested that she would take care of him because she did it for their parents ("And was so good at it hahaha"), she took her life because she couldn't do that again.

Forcing caring responsibilities onto, mainly, women is cruel, it is unfair and it is completely and utterly not ok to say its expected of family, that people should do it "for family", its a privilege, it will teach her things.

Sometimes caring for someone is making the choice to step away and let someone else do it instead

I completely disagree in this instance. He is asking for a regular commitment of over 4hrs of her time every week.

he is asking so he can enjoy some time golfing, not attend medical appointments or something necessary

This is not an occasional social call.

in reality I don’t think this is the right option for the family, it’s too big a commitment to ask for from the grand daughter and think he should buy in proper care services if he wants that amount of regular free time.

He will be ungrateful and likely resent paying, which will damage family relations. She will feel trapped and realise that in any other part time job she would earn nearly twice as much for the time and will grow to resent this. Plus she will likely stop visiting socially and it will impact on the relationship with both grandparents due to the various resentments.

Caring is hard, and boundaries are important. This one would not be healthy

My DD doesn't want to be a carer. It's one thing sitting with her nan, a woman she loves and has known all her life but another to do personal care for complete strangers

I don't blame her at all, @Suffolksettler, but what she doesn't want to be and what she'd be expected to be if she'd gone with this idea could be very different things - especially if your father starts on about "I don't know what we're paying you all this money for"

That's really not a trap I'd want a 17 year old sticking her head in, so frankly I'd go back to doing only what you reasonably can and telling them to pay for the rest

I'm of the same thinking. I always pay my kids for various help they give me, my father in law always gives me DH a little something if he's helped him. I see it simply as a sign of appreciation.

My friends DD who is also my dd's friend cleans once a week for her GP and they always pay her as they say they want to help her as she has helped them.

So he doesn’t mind shelling out on golf club fees?
Tight old sod. I’d be advising my daughter against it. Won’t be long before he starts stretching the hours to get his money’s worth.

Caring for someone with dementia is too much responsibility for a 17 year old, anyway.

Of course he should pay her, and it should be more than £30. He should be actively looking for ways to make an excuse to give her more than that, actually. It is lovely to be able to give money to grandchildren while they are also doing something very valuable and useful.

Unfortunately a lot of old people do not have a reasonable attitude to paying for help- my parents were the same.

That's shocking and you're being failed.
I hope you start taking care of yourself.

So he will spend his money on himself to play golf (assuming he pays membership) but won’t spend more on care for his wife? He sounds selfish

Ashamed that I think I shouldn’t charge parents and gp for care even if I have to give up work? I mean I did for a gp. It resulted in financial loss for sure but I’m not ashamed of what I gave up for family!

My parents have done very little for me since I left home, they have had my DC stay over 4 times in the last 20 years.

Have you simply decided to cherry pick what you read on this thread? Have you not seen that I have helped them for over 5 years, I have never asked for a penny. Yes, I'm am stupid for my decisions but unless you have walked this journey then you know very little.

If my children ever help me out when I'm older I will 100% offer them money whether they chose to take it or not.

I suspect you also have little knowledge of dementia care. Take a look at the FB support groups and then carry on judging. That will say a lot more about you than it does me.

I’m glad we can respectfully disagree about the charging.
I definitely agree that in this instance it would probably be healthier if op’s daughter didn’t care for grandma