What’s more important; funeral or wedding

[mosptrd]

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

Why can’t you go to the funeral and he goes to the wedding? Seems like the most suitable solution.

Sorry for your loss. I would say you go to your father’s funeral and he goes to his sister’s wedding. And you try to accept each other’s decisions. I mean, that’s what I would do. Do you have other family?

I think you should attend your dad's funeral and your dh goes to the wedding.

Sorry for your loss by the way

It sounds like you are both doing the right thing. I think you want your dh to go to the funeral? And I can understand that too, but seeing his sister get married is an important event too. He can be there for you on all the other days.
Sorry for your loss.

If the funeral date was outside of your control then I think the best thing is for him and DC to go to the wedding when you go to the funeral.
If the funeral date is something you can chose I would move it by a day.

This is very much relationship dependent surely?

ie NC with a grossly abusive father and very very close to SIL puts a different slant on it for example

It's a very tough call, but I vote funeral. Imagine if it was you getting married and your father passed away, and then his funeral lands on the same day as your wedding. I would rearrange the wedding day.

Sorry for your loss.

I think if I was in that situation I would expect dh to attend the funeral with me and he would expect me to attend the funeral with him if it was his father.

I think it will partly depend on culture though. Based on threads on here English people only seem to go to funerals if they have a deep personal relationship with the deceased. I'm Irish and that is a totally alien attitude to me. For an Irish funeral, it would be expected that the sil would be there unless there were majorly extenuating circumstances.

I'm so sorry. Sometimes life just makes everything difficult.

First, I'd assume that everyone is just trying their best and making decisions they think are right. No 'blood is thicker' thoughts.

Can you travel alone? Is it a place that's accessible and easy? Will there be other relatives there?

I agree that you go to the funeral and he goes to the wedding with your children.

Sorry about your dad.

I'm sorry for your loss.

In these circumstances you need to look at the consequences around the invitations. It may well be that you need to go to the funeral if your mother is in pieces or other members of your family need your support. However I do think that it is equally important that your DH gets to do what he believes is important for his family relations. Also your DC will have a much better time going to a wedding than a funeral and not having to keep a constant brave face for them might be better for you as well.

SIL presumably is DHs sister?

Assuming relationships of usual closeness, I think you go to the funeral and him the wedding. Kids could go either way. I come from a subculture where DC all pile in for funerals, but I might not want to have sole charge of them when going abroad for a parent's funeral.

It’s tricky but personally I think the living are more important than the dead. Totally understand you wanting to go to the funeral but I can understand why your husband wishes to prioritise his sister.

im so sorry for your loss x

Baffling comment. How could this scenario ever happen?

Sorry for your loss OP - go to the funeral.

Both important. Very sad that they are the same day, but your husband's choice to go to his sister's wedding with the children seems the best of the bad options.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm diaspora and I don't think I've got a single Irish relative who'd want the kids and DH to miss a wedding for their funeral! That'd be the dictionary definition of an extenuating circumstance, wouldn't it?

It does depend on closeness of relationships etc, but generally I would say you go to the funeral and DH and DC go to the wedding.

Is there no way the funeral can be changed? People expect them to be more short notice whereas a wedding is much harder to move.

Failing that I agree with others that you should go to the funeral and your DH go to the wedding, hard though it might be. I’m really sorry for your loss. What a horrible decision to have to make

Before I opened this I voted wedding as they’re alive and life is for the living. However, after reading your OP I change my mind to you all go to the funeral. I would need support from my DH if I attended my parent’s funeral as I’d be in pieces.

Depends on the relationship but for father/grandfather, assuming the relationship is good, I would say funeral. Aunt/cousin/etc then wedding trumps funeral.

Weddings are more important because that person is actually alive and appreciates you being there, whereas you can quietly pay your final respects to someone from anywhere. If you want to go to the funeral do go but it would be wrong for your dh and dd to let sil down. Who arranged the funeral without checking availability with you? Were you close to your father even? Don’t feel obliged to go out of convention

They are equally important. The funeral is important to you and, to your DH his sister's wedding is important. I would go to the funeral while DH and the children went to the wedding.

I think it depends on the relationships you have/had with sister and father.

If you were close to your father and he is close to his sister, then I think you going to the funeral and him going to the wedding is the best plan. Are the children old enough to decide for themselves?

Funerals are not for the deceased, they are for those left behind. They are very much alive.

Yes the funeral date should be agreed in consultation with immediate family, though I imagine sometimes it's tricky to get a date to suit everyone