What’s more important; funeral or wedding

[mosptrd]

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

In many countries you only get a small window in which to bury a person eg in France I think it’s 5 days - it might have been the only day on offer

Very sorry for your loss OP and I say this with all the kindness but unless there’s very unusual circumstances at play I think your family are very unreasonable not to have considered your availability in choosing a date for the funeral. In my experience funeral’s are always organised around the availability of the immediate family even if that means waiting up to 2/3 weeks. We recently lost my nan and it took over a fortnight for the funeral due to her children being out of the country one after another.

I do empathise with you wanting DH’s support and of course I would too in your situation but I’m sure you’re sensible enough to see that it’s completely unreasonable to ask or expect him to miss his sisters wedding! It’s not like it’s a lads holiday or a football game, it’s his sisters wedding!! He has to be there. It’s not DH’s, SIL or your fault this has happened. Your family should have been more considerate of your availability!

A funeral should take precedence.

I get that, but I think understanding the exact reasons why this exact scenario has unfolded from the OP would be helpful here. It would be good to know how this decision was reached to understand what the priorities are here.

Without knowing the ins and outs of the relationships I agree with the majority, DH and kids go to wedding and yourself to the funeral. Presumably/hopefully you'll have your own family support at the funeral.

Sorry for the loss of your father. Assuming there is no back story to any difficult family relationships or the ability to change the date of the funeral (surprising you weren’t involved as a direct family member to agree the date) then your DH suggestion is the most pragmatic one. You can’t say it really feels like blood is thicker than water as he wants to go to his sister’s wedding when you are using the same card to justify your late father’s funeral. You can visit the grave at a future date with your DC & DH to pay respects but you can’t do anything after the wedding to do the same. Depending on age your DC would probably be better off at a wedding than a funeral.

If you follow your "blood is thicker than water" argument, you go to the funeral. Your dh goes to the wedding. That is where the blood tie is.
Id want the dc to go to the wedding.

It needs to be the funeral for you.
I am sorry for your loss.

You go to the funeral and DH goes to the wedding.

How much time have you got before the funeral? When my parents died I had some say in the date of the funeral as did my brother. We made the arrangements with the funeral director together. It may be possible to change the date if arrangements aren’t too advanced. Otherwise I would agree with the people saying that the funeral is the priority for you and your husband could take the children to the wedding. If your parents were still together and your Mum is still alive she will need your support.

This is absolutely my feeling too.

Whoever organised DF funeral surely could’ve factored this into arrangements. We always ask the immediate family - are there any dates you cannot do / have another commitment on. Is this not normal?

I would never forgive myself for missing my father's funeral but I was very close to him. If you loved your father, then go and pay your respects.

Oh that is so hard. I totally get you want DH at the funeral, so you have siblings? Did you have a good relationship with your father? I can also totally get DH prioritising his sisters wedding. I think if you have other support at the funeral splitting to do both is the best solution. But it sucks

Hard disagree. There's zero chance I'd prioritise in-law's funeral over my only brother's wedding. Absolutely not. He's dead already. What difference would it make if I'm there or not. Plus I personally don't view in-laws as family. My other half would cope, I'm sure there would be more people there to share the grief with.

So OP goes to funeral, husband to the wedding.

I would go to the funeral and my husband and children to the wedding. I wouldn’t expect my husband to miss his sister’s wedding. I know I’d have other family members to support me at the funeral.

You can’t be expected to miss your father’s funeral and your DH can’t be expected to miss his sister’s wedding.
So you go to the funeral and he goes to the wedding with the children. It’s shit but that’s the best compromise I’d say.

Seemingly I’m not the only MNetter thinking the same…….did you have a pop at them too??????????

Without more information on the relationships involved, I would do as others have suggested and you go to the funeral, and DH goes to the wedding.

If the funeral cannot be rearranged, I think it would be very selfish to expect DH to accompany you on the day of his sister's wedding. Surely you will have other family members there and they will understand the situation. If they don't, ignore them. It's not an ideal situation, but you and DH can make it work.

All of this. You going to the funeral and them going to the wedding seems entirely appropriate.

While in an ideal world you'd have your DH and children there to support you, I do understand him wanting to attend his Sisters wedding. You need to do one each.

Unless your father's immediate next of kin really hated you, why would they arrange the funeral for the same day as your wedding?

Your question is which is more important? Both are equally important depending on which side of the family you're on. You go to your DF's funeral - condolences and DH goes to his sister's wedding. The kids can choose depending on age and closeness to your DF.

I can’t imagine a situation where you wouldn’t attend the funeral and DH attends the wedding with the DC? Unless they include an EBF baby, then they travel with you.