Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What’s more important; funeral or wedding

247 replies

mosptrd · 25/09/2025 15:06

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonOh · 26/09/2025 19:45

independentfriend · 26/09/2025 18:21

I'd veto the funeral date - you're close enough (barring some bizarre circs) that that date shouldn't have been set without accommodating you.

If not then you going to the funeral and your husband and children going to the wedding makes sense but isn't ideal.

You are assuming that funerals are organised exactly the same way in all countries as they are in england. You don't always get a choice. In many countries the funeral takes place within a couple of days, not the weeks or months it takes in England.

Julietta05 · 26/09/2025 19:55

Going through it myself I would say that you need support, you should not be let down by your DH. I can see his point but sorry, this is massive loss for you.

Julietta05 · 26/09/2025 19:59

Reading the replies people do not seem to appreciate what impact the loss of a close relative make. I would not be able to accept my husband going to a wedding when I am barely keeping myself together.

CatsorDogsrule · 26/09/2025 20:18

Julietta05 · 26/09/2025 19:59

Reading the replies people do not seem to appreciate what impact the loss of a close relative make. I would not be able to accept my husband going to a wedding when I am barely keeping myself together.

I wouldn't want to keep my husband and children from a close family celebration, with all of that side of the family, that has been organised for over a year, in order to attend a funeral to support me. I know my husband would offer, but I would decline and take the support from my other family in attendance in these circumstances.

Unfortunately, Covid especially has taught us that we can't all attend funerals that we would wish to. I've had to miss my grandmother's and my sister's funerals, which were overseas. The services were streamed online, so I didn't have to miss them entirely.

It's very sad and unfortunate, but if the attendance of OP's family wasn't a consideration in planning the funeral, it can't be assumed that they were able to drop everything from overseas to attend at short notice.

hareagain · 26/09/2025 20:22

Individual relationships matter here. For us, I would go to the funeral, dh would go to the wedding as both our families would understand the difficulties posed, and there would be no ill feeling.
How would your families react if either of you missed either event? Does this matter to you/your dh? Would there be a long term impact? If so, I wish you luck but ultimately I would have to go with my heart and the path of least personal regret.

independentfriend · 26/09/2025 20:26

OchonAgusOchonOh · 26/09/2025 19:45

You are assuming that funerals are organised exactly the same way in all countries as they are in england. You don't always get a choice. In many countries the funeral takes place within a couple of days, not the weeks or months it takes in England.

Show quote history

I'm not; my experience is with funerals in Northern Ireland at two-three days after a death. Even then, I would expect a funeral to be arranged to accommodate the deceased's daughter needing to be at her brother in law's wedding. The wedding can't be moved but the funeral could and should to meet the needs of the living. (And yes, I understand a grieving person might not particularly want to be at a wedding - equally they might want their spouse with them at their father's funeral).

CarpetKnees · 26/09/2025 20:29

I agree with @CatsorDogsrule

When I've had to arrange funerals, I have totally understood that - as they are arranged at short notice - many people will not be able to be there, as they are already committed elsewhere. I had absolutely no ill feeling towards them and did not make any association between whether someone was able to get to the funeral and the closeness of their relationship or any reflection of how sad they were. It is just a fact with funerals.
Yes, generally (in my UK culture) I would expect the deceased's dd and son-in-law both to be there, but, in my culture, any dc of the deceased would have been consulted about the date and this situation wouldn't have arisen. If (as some are speculating - and we don't know if this is the case) the situation is the person's funeral has to be held within 48 hours or whatever, then there will surely be even more understanding that some people won't be able to make a funeral at such short notice.

Lavender14 · 26/09/2025 20:30

I'm sorry for your loss op.

I also think it's dependent on your relationships and whether you'll have family there to support you when you arrive or if things are fractious and it may be additionally complex for you being there.

At the same time, your siblings wedding is a really big deal too and I can see why your dh doesn't feel able to miss this.

I think it's very, very unfortunate timing but each prioritising your own family needs is probably the best you can each do in a really shit situation.

I think it's also important to recognise that life has really thrown you a no win situation here. Blood is not thicker than water and I think it's very understandable that in your shock and grief it might feel that way, but in reality this is just unfair timing for all of you. I think what will be important is how your dh supports you even if he can't attend the funeral. The other side to this is keeping your kids in their routine and it affords you space to actually grieve as openly as you need to without having to worry about the impact on them for a period. Would you have a close friend who might be prepared to go with you?

tinytemper66 · 26/09/2025 20:41

My brother in law and his wife went on a scheduled holiday instead of attending the funeral of his sister. It was one where his son and family were also going. He is one of 6 so the four other siblings were there along with the rest of the family. No one has ever held it against him.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 26/09/2025 20:43

It’s not the OP’s sibling’s wedding. It’s her husband’s sister’s (her S-i-L’s) wedding.

Thelondonone · 26/09/2025 20:49

Doobeedoobeedoobee · 25/09/2025 15:17

It’s tricky but personally I think the living are more important than the dead. Totally understand you wanting to go to the funeral but I can understand why your husband wishes to prioritise his sister.

im so sorry for your loss x

👆this

hcee19 · 26/09/2025 21:06

OMG! You should go to your fathers funeral...that's the last thing you can ever do for him...

Mayana1 · 26/09/2025 22:46

mosptrd · 25/09/2025 15:06

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

I think I would take my child with me to the funeral to say goodbye to his granddad. And saying that - my father-in-law just passed today and he lives in India and we are in UK. My husband is flying out tomorrow and we can not go with him (costs, plus already have holidays booked for my country in 2 weeks time) and my little one never met him. I wish he could go and say goodbye.

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 26/09/2025 22:59

I could never have missed my father's funeral but i wouldnt stop my DH going to his sisters wedding if it were the same day. Just because you are married it doesn't mean you are joined at the hip. So i think its right you go to the funeral and DH and DC go to the wedding.

Wildefish · 26/09/2025 23:09

Sheiswaiting · 25/09/2025 15:11

This is very much relationship dependent surely?

ie NC with a grossly abusive father and very very close to SIL puts a different slant on it for example

Since there was no mention of an abusive father I think you could have kept that to yourself.

Dizzybet74 · 27/09/2025 08:44

Well the funeral is more important to you and then wedding more important to your DH

JoeyJava · 27/09/2025 09:57

Funeral.

Weddings are pointless attention-seeking parties. People are completely invested in this, without a single thought towards the actual marriage. And the only difference between a marriage and any other relationship are legal technicalities.

Funerals are a tribute to the departed, and their loved ones. Creation of the ceremony is an opportunity to declare and fulfil their final wishes. The consideration taken in the process shows how loved they were and how important they are. Whilst it's a sad occasion, there is the possibility of new life sprouting from the connection of all corners of their life being brought together by a shared cause.

Marriage will probably end in divorce, anyway. Does that completely encapsulate my first point, or what? If you're in a committed relationship with each other, keep it at that, and then at least there's less shit to hit the fan later.

Ava40 · 27/09/2025 10:09

mosptrd · 25/09/2025 15:06

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

You need to go to your dads funeral and hubby needs to go to his sisters wedding.
This wouldn't even be a question for me!

babyclanchaos · 27/09/2025 10:39

Obviously you go to your dad’s funeral?? Your partner should really go with you too. And you should not be made to feel guilty or awkward about that. Someone has sadly passed away. They’re not the same thing

KoalaKoKo · 27/09/2025 12:08

Funeral. Your husband can attend the wedding alone but kids should say goodbye to their grandad.

JaninaDuszejko · 27/09/2025 12:32

I see the OP has not returned. I'm rural Scottish and our views about funerals are closer to the Irish than the English.

I think It's a difficult choice and depends on the wider family. Is your Mum still alive (and were they together?), are your PILs still alive, and how many brothers and sisters do you both have and how close are your families and does your DH or DC have a role in the wedding. All have an impact on if you should go. E.g. if you are an only child and your DM is already dead so you were the chief mourner then your DH and DC should go to the funeral with you. If your Mum is still capable and you are from a close family with several siblings you can go without your DH (children depend on age and tradition). If your DH and SIL's parents are dead and there are no other siblings then your DH and DC should definitely go to the wedding. I feel like a funeral trumps a wedding generally because the next of kin need support whereas your SILs wedding is agappy occasion and whileshe'd like her DB there she'd be more able to cope without him.

CarpetKnees · 27/09/2025 12:41

JoeyJava · 27/09/2025 09:57

Funeral.

Weddings are pointless attention-seeking parties. People are completely invested in this, without a single thought towards the actual marriage. And the only difference between a marriage and any other relationship are legal technicalities.

Funerals are a tribute to the departed, and their loved ones. Creation of the ceremony is an opportunity to declare and fulfil their final wishes. The consideration taken in the process shows how loved they were and how important they are. Whilst it's a sad occasion, there is the possibility of new life sprouting from the connection of all corners of their life being brought together by a shared cause.

Marriage will probably end in divorce, anyway. Does that completely encapsulate my first point, or what? If you're in a committed relationship with each other, keep it at that, and then at least there's less shit to hit the fan later.

Wow, what a sad and bitter outlook you have.

Weddings are pointless attention-seeking parties. People are completely invested in this, without a single thought towards the actual marriage. And the only difference between a marriage and any other relationship are legal technicalities.

Not my experience at all.

Marriage will probably end in divorce, anyway.

Not even statistically true.

CatsorDogsrule · 27/09/2025 12:43

JaninaDuszejko · 27/09/2025 12:32

I see the OP has not returned. I'm rural Scottish and our views about funerals are closer to the Irish than the English.

I think It's a difficult choice and depends on the wider family. Is your Mum still alive (and were they together?), are your PILs still alive, and how many brothers and sisters do you both have and how close are your families and does your DH or DC have a role in the wedding. All have an impact on if you should go. E.g. if you are an only child and your DM is already dead so you were the chief mourner then your DH and DC should go to the funeral with you. If your Mum is still capable and you are from a close family with several siblings you can go without your DH (children depend on age and tradition). If your DH and SIL's parents are dead and there are no other siblings then your DH and DC should definitely go to the wedding. I feel like a funeral trumps a wedding generally because the next of kin need support whereas your SILs wedding is agappy occasion and whileshe'd like her DB there she'd be more able to cope without him.

Edited

If OP is chief mourner, one would hope the funeral was arranged for a date that she and her family could attend. She didn't say it could only be on that date due to religious observance, so the likelihood is that she isn't chief mourner.

A sad situation, and a shame that she (presumably) wasn't consulted on arrangements to ensure that her family travelling from overseas could attend.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/09/2025 12:48

CarpetKnees · 27/09/2025 12:41

Wow, what a sad and bitter outlook you have.

Weddings are pointless attention-seeking parties. People are completely invested in this, without a single thought towards the actual marriage. And the only difference between a marriage and any other relationship are legal technicalities.

Not my experience at all.

Marriage will probably end in divorce, anyway.

Not even statistically true.

Show quote history

Quite!

Seems @JoeyJava is projecting.

@JoeyJava there is the possibility of new life sprouting from the connection of all corners of their life being brought together by a shared cause.

Could be said about weddings too.
I know a couple of people who couldn't go to their own father's funerals, doesn't mean they loved them any less.

The bitterness on marriage is on another level. OP asked about wedding/funeral, not whether the couple would last.

kerstina · 27/09/2025 13:05

JoeyJava · 27/09/2025 09:57

Funeral.

Weddings are pointless attention-seeking parties. People are completely invested in this, without a single thought towards the actual marriage. And the only difference between a marriage and any other relationship are legal technicalities.

Funerals are a tribute to the departed, and their loved ones. Creation of the ceremony is an opportunity to declare and fulfil their final wishes. The consideration taken in the process shows how loved they were and how important they are. Whilst it's a sad occasion, there is the possibility of new life sprouting from the connection of all corners of their life being brought together by a shared cause.

Marriage will probably end in divorce, anyway. Does that completely encapsulate my first point, or what? If you're in a committed relationship with each other, keep it at that, and then at least there's less shit to hit the fan later.

You have a point !