What’s more important; funeral or wedding

[mosptrd]

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

Surely you’re not suggesting he misses his sisters wedding? And surely he’s not suggesting you miss your fathers funeral!!?

I think it’s important he attends the wedding, he needs to be there for his sisters big day. Also your children will want to and get more out of a wedding celebration.
You obviously need to go to your dads funeral, unless you can watch it via a live video link if it’s not actually on the wedding day??
I think you both need to have respect for each other and you go to the funeral and allow him and the children to attend the wedding. Neither of you should be pressuring the other to trend either event!

Also in normal circumstances and without context I’d say the wedding is more important. Life is for the living and the wedding is important.
however given the funeral is a father, then this becomes more important, but only to you. Your husband and kids should 100% go to the wedding

@mosptrd

I think you’re doing it the best way you can in the difficult circumstances.

I don’t understand the blood is thicker than water comment. You’re hurt he’s not supporting you going to the funeral (presumably travelling abroad?) You would rather he missed his sister’s wedding?

But the death of a parent is massive. I can’t imagine how I would’ve felt if my DH wasn’t with me for my DM’s funeral. He supported our dc and me.
A funeral is an important rite of passage , a time to pay respect. He’s hardly going to have a great time at a wedding g knowing his wife is going through a harrowing time burying her father!

Not everyone thinks of funerals as important. As long as her husband provides support if OP needs it the rest of the time, then not being at the actual funeral isn’t such a big thing. There will likely be lots of other family and friends there anyway. He can enjoy the wedding and then be there for OP after.

Depends.
Sorrynifnits crass. How upset are you about your father passing away? Will you need dh support?

Funeral! Your father died! It's not like he was your work colleague or neighbour. He was your father! You'd have to be involved with the funeral planning anyway, wouldn't you? You can't not go to your own father's funeral!

Half of all marriages don't last. Weddings are pointless imo. Your father is dead and this is the final thing for him ever. You HAVE to go. Let your husband go to the wedding, and you go to the funeral.

So the same could be said at a wedding. Lots of other people there and can celebrate after the awful life event has passed.

Which is exactly why OP should go to the funeral and her husband should go to the wedding. The funeral is important to the OP, the wedding is important to her husband. They will both be around other important people and OPs husband can support before and after.

Tbh, while I can understand the reasoning somewhat i dont think he should go to the wedding and she should go to the funeral....people OP has just lost her father, if there was any day I would expect my spouse to be there for me, it would be on the day of my father's funeral, regardless of whoevers wedding is also going on...

Op I'm so sorry for your loss x

I think with the lack of information, we are all reflecting to our own relationships with siblings, parents, inlaws. So for some it is "of course you go to the weddig" and for some it is "of course you go to the funeral".

Exactly. Marriage is about being there through the highs and lows.

I'm Irish too and I wouldn't expect my husband to miss his own sister's wedding. Nothing to do with being Irish.

Weddings are celebrating the future, funerals mourning the past.
You go to a funeral for the surviving family, not for the deceased person.
So if there are any other relatives at the funeral who need your support - you go to the funeral, husband and kids go to the wedding.
If nobody needs your support at the funeral, you all go to the wedding.

Agree. The friend may well have already assumed she probably wasn’t going to attend, but it was very thoughtful of that poster to confirm in advance that she wouldn’t be coming so everyone knew where they stood and the space could be re-used.

I didn’t read it as the friend arguing back with her.

Would you not expect the kids to be there to support their mum and say goodbye to their grandad? My daughter absolutely adores her grandparents and would definitely want a chance to say goodbye. I remember when my partner’s mum died - over 15 years ago - it was so traumatic for him and he got some grief counselling afterwards. I don’t think we would still be together if I had left him to deal with that grief alone. I love my siblings but I would miss any of their big events rather than leaving my partner on his own with that grief. My friend’s mum died last year too and like that she required counselling. My mum still talks about her dad dying and my dad not being there for her, 41 years ago, they separated 30 years ago.

@KoalaKoKo absolutely not. I would like my kids to celebrate the future, but would definitely later take them to the grave to say goodbye. As hard as it it, the dead person is dead - a goodbye is for the living, and can be done later.
And i would not expect my minor children to support me! That is not their job.

I think if the OP feels that she really needs him there with her for support during the funeral and no-one else can take his place, then he should go with her. But that need not be the case. I don't think I interracted much with my DH at all during my father's memorial service (the funeral was unattended). I was too busy! I "officiated" myself during the ceremony and was talking to an endless series of people before and after. He and my BIL were very helpful setting up the sound system and video screen, but someone else could have done that. Obviously I preferred having him there, but I would have encouraged him to go to his sister's wedding if need be.

I needed his support much more on other days after my father's death. The funeral/memorial service was the easy bit!

And as for my kids. It depends on how old they are. If old enough, I'd give them the choice. If too young to choose, then it's probably better if they go to the wedding with DH.

You need to be at your father's funeral, he needs to be at his sisters wedding. No way should he miss his sisters big day for a his FILs funeral, that would be unfair on everyone on his side of the family. Kids should go to the wedding if it's that kind of wedding. If not then the funeral. Sorry you will be there without his support but that's just bad luck, you'll be fine. Sorry about your Dad.

Thinking about this again, I think its unfair to ask someone to miss a family wedding to support someone else at a funeral. The thing is, excuse the directness but your Dad is going to be dead forever. A funeral isn't a day of grief and then it's gone it lingers for a very long time.. sometimes always. So whether DH goes or not isn't going to impact your grief long term, just how you feel on one day. On the other hand, a wedding is a one day only celebration and then its all over. If you miss it, its gone. If your DH is supportive over the coming weeks and months that counts for a lot more than being at a funeral for a few hours.

Were you not consulted at all about the date of the funeral? For my MIL funeral my SIL was on holiday around that time so the funeral was arranged on a suitable date for all siblings. Is that not what would usually happen?

Would you not expect the kids to be there to support their mum and say goodbye to their grandad? My daughter absolutely adores her grandparents and would definitely want a chance to say goodbye.

I would. Which is why I would have expected whoever is arranging the funeral to have consulted the OP about the date before anything was finalised.

It has been mentioned many times, but the OP hasn't been back to explain that side of it.
(Not that she needs to. Obviously she is grieving and owes us nothing, but just saying that this thread is going round and round in circles with us all only able to speculate, and to say what we would each do in our own circumstances.)
For most of us in UK culture, it wouldn't be a question as the funeral wouldn't have been arranged on the day the deceased's dd was at a close family wedding.