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Original poster

What’s more important; funeral or wedding

247 replies

mosptrd · 25/09/2025 15:06

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

OP posts:
ThisAmberOrca · 25/09/2025 15:29

Husband and kids go to the wedding.
You go to the funeral. There is absolutely no need to take your family to a funeral, but they might enjoy the wedding. then, at a later date, visit the grave together.

Chewbecca · 25/09/2025 15:31

Sorry for your loss.
I would attempt to reschedule the funeral if at all possible, is it?
If not, I would attend my father's funeral and send DH and the DC to his sister's wedding.

PastaAllaNorma · 25/09/2025 15:31

I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard, the loss of a parent.

Why can't the funeral be moved? There's normally quite a decent amount of wiggle room in the timing of a funeral - I moved my Mum's funeral so it didn't clash with SIL's birthday. I didn't want my nieces associating their mum's birthday each year with their Nana's death. Loss is hard enough without regular reminders.

Your DH should definitely go to his sister's wedding. He should take the children with him.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/09/2025 15:32

I think you going to your father's funeral and him going to his sister's wedding with the children is the right thing to do.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 25/09/2025 15:33

I appreciate you are grieving, but blood thicker than water....you choosing your fathers funeral is you choosing your blood and dh picking the wedding is him choosing blood.

Why is it ok for you but not for him?

Funerals can usually be arranged around other commitments so move the funeral.

If not possible then you need to agree a way forward but tbh neither of you trumps the other...

Lindy2 · 25/09/2025 15:34

Do you not have any influence on the date of your father's funeral? Who has chosen a date that makes it so difficult for his daughter and her family to attend? Surely the date is agreed by immediate family - which includes you. There is flexibility here surely.

I can see why your husband has prioritised his sister's wedding. It's been scheduled for a year and it's his sister. It's important to him.

If the funeral date can't be rearranged then you go to the funeral and he the wedding.

No way though would I let the funeral of any of my immediate family be set on a day that made it so difficult to attend.

Sheiswaiting · 25/09/2025 15:35

You can’t just tell us the label of the relationship without telling us the quality of the relationship

autienotnaughty · 25/09/2025 15:37

Yes in an ideal world he would go to the funeral and support you. But it’s his sisters wedding of course he should go and it makes more sense for him to take the kids.
if it was a more distant relative or friends wedding then yes he should decline. But he shouldn’t miss his sister wedding.
unless there’s some drip feed that he hasn’t seen his sister in 20 years and your dad is his best friend

BendingSpoons · 25/09/2025 15:39

I am sorry for your loss. I would expect DH and the DC to go to the wedding.

We ended up with 2 funerals on one day, my grandparent and DH's aunt. We managed to attend both, but otherwise would have split up and gone to our respective families.

Newname42 · 25/09/2025 15:40

Sorry for your loss. You go to the funeral, whether he goes to the funeral or wedding depends on how close he is to his sister, his feelings about missing the funeral, and whether you can manage to go to the funeral on your own (logistically and emotionally).

user1471538275 · 25/09/2025 15:41

I think you go to funeral DH and kids to wedding.

When my father died only a few of my family attended. The others had other things to do and I think it's up to each individual whether they want to attend or not - I certainly would not put pressure on my children to go - and didn't.

childofthe607080s · 25/09/2025 15:42

assuming you can manage then let the children go to a wedding rather than a funeral and have a simple memorial when you are at home together

it’s very wrong for a funeral to be arranged with no consideration

BadActingParsley · 25/09/2025 15:43

autienotnaughty · 25/09/2025 15:37

Yes in an ideal world he would go to the funeral and support you. But it’s his sisters wedding of course he should go and it makes more sense for him to take the kids.
if it was a more distant relative or friends wedding then yes he should decline. But he shouldn’t miss his sister wedding.
unless there’s some drip feed that he hasn’t seen his sister in 20 years and your dad is his best friend

It's not clear cut at all. My DH only met my mum once and she was in a care home and too far gone to realise who I was never mind him - so if his brother had been getting married that day I wouldn't have re-arranged the funeral to make sure he could get there.

If my brother was getting married and it was my Father in Law's funeral - I'd be really sad not to be at it as I'm very close to my in laws - but I'd still probably go to the wedding and leave DH to grieve with his family.

Sorry, not much help. But it isn't an automatice funeral trumps weddings.

mindutopia · 25/09/2025 15:44

This is absolutely what we’d do in this situation. Actually, if it was my dad, I’d have not planned his funeral on the same day as a close family member’s wedding. If I had to attend the funeral and another day wasn’t an option, I’d send Dh and kids to the wedding and go to the funeral myself to support other family.

DontCallMeLenYouLittleBollix · 25/09/2025 15:45

Do you want the DC to go with you OP? How old are they and would they need a lot of attention?

Peculiah · 25/09/2025 15:48

Could the funeral not be moved?

ParmaVioletTea · 25/09/2025 15:50

Of course you go to your father's funeral. And your DH goes to his sister's wedding.

This doesn't mean that "blood is thicker than water." It means that you're taking an adult decision with due consideration for each other's family ties.

Just as you will want to go to farewell your father & have a moment to reflect on his life in company of others who loved him, your DH may want to be with his sister on her start to a new life of marriage. You need to have compassion for each other.

dammit88 · 25/09/2025 15:50

Why was the funeral planned the same day as the wedding? that seems an odd decision?

But yes id say your husband goes to wedding with children and and you go to funeral.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 25/09/2025 15:52

I agree with pps you go to funeral, he goes to wedding. However, reading between the lines, you probably didn't have a close relationship with your father, otherwise you would have been involved with the funeral arrangements and would not have booked it for the same day as SILs wedding? Either way, go with your gut and what you will be able to live with moving forwards. Tricky one though!

Applesonthelawn · 25/09/2025 15:53

There is clearly no other option here. You go to your father's funeral (obviously) and DH goes to his sister's wedding. Kids probably go with him, although it's age dependent and also depends on how well they knew either their grandfather or SIL, but probably the wedding. It's very unfortunate timing but I think nothing you can do. Sorry for your loss.

MyDeftDuck · 25/09/2025 15:54

A funeral is no place for children………your husband should go to the wedding and you go to your fathers funeral, you will be very disappointed if you miss your fathers funeral, trust me. You can celebrate the wedding with an intimate get together with SIL and BIL at a later date.

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/09/2025 15:54

Which is more important? For you it is probably your father's funeral, for your DH and DC it is his sister's wedding. Neither of you are wrong - the funeral date can be chosen, the wedding is fixed.

Septemberchill · 25/09/2025 15:55

I had this happen. Father in laws funeral same day as sons wedding. I went to the wedding and DH went to the funeral. As they weren't too far apart geographically DH joined us later

Icanttakethisanymore · 25/09/2025 15:55

What family support will you have at the funeral? I assume your DH is proposing he goes to the wedding and you go to the funeral, rather than you miss your Father's funeral? Whereas uou think he should come with you?

BadgernTheGarden · 25/09/2025 15:56

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