What’s more important; funeral or wedding

[mosptrd]

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

You can't rearrange someone else's wedding day. What an odd suggestion.

I am wondering why the person organising the funeral didn't check the OP's availability first though.

Is there a reason you weren’t involved in choosing the funeral date?

I’m really sorry for your loss. If your dad had taken a turn for the worse and the wedding was on the last weekend you could see him to say bye, I’d agree that travelling as a family to see your father would trump the wedding.

But that’s because the dates in the previous scenario are unchangeable and unpredictable- it’s a response to an emergency situation. But a funeral is pre planned and dates can be selected to ensure all close family members are able to attend. It’s not your husband’s fault that your availability wasn’t considered - and his sister is an important family member so it’s pretty high priority he attends her wedding (excepting a genuine emergency)

Can the date of the funeral not be re-arranged ?

Funerals are objectively more important, IMO. Our departure from life should be marked, ideally together with people significant to us. The day we choose to legally pair off with someone there's a 50% chance we'll still be with in 20 years, is less important. Weddings tend to be more fun, but they're not more important.

Why so bizarre? The OP doesn’t state the ages of the DC and to be honest I wouldn’t take youngster to a funeral, no matter what the relationship to the deceased.

I actually think it’s the opposite. But she wouldn’t have had to choose if her family had considered her availability when picking the day of the funeral.

Your own dad? Absolutely no question about it

I’m so sorry for your loss.

SIL can’t move the date of her wedding so it’s really unfortunate that your dad’s funeral has been arranged for the same day. If it had been a few days later then presumably you could all go.

Who picked that date and did they consult you?

I’m so sorry about your father’s death, @mosptrd. What a dilemma for your DH. But it does look as if you will have to go to the funeral by yourself, unless the date can be re-arranged. I’m guessing it may well not be your mother who is organizing the funeral, which is why you have had no say in the date?

Again, my condolences on your loss. I hope your husband will be able to give you his support before and after the funeral, even if he can’t be with you for it.

Your DH suggestion that you do the funeral and he takes the DC to the wedding seems the right approach

what don’t you like about it

No way would I rearrange my wedding because the father of my fiancé’s brother’s wife had died. Presumably a man I don’t even know, who lived abroad.

The simple answer is that OP attends her father’s funeral, and her husband and children attend the wedding.

I wouldn’t expect my SIL to cancel her wedding if my father died. (I would obviously cancel mine - and reschedule maybe a year later). As to my husband - would I expect him not to go to his sister’s wedding? I don’t know. I think the child needs to go to the funeral of his granddad, unless they didn’t really know one another. It’s a tough call for the husband! He probably should also go to the funeral unless he was really estranged from your parents. Could there be a compromise - seeing sil before or after the wedding? Maybe after the wedding or after the honeymoon, organising something for them at a fancy restaurant, budget depending.

That's fair.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. It was bloody rude of me to not say that earlier. My apologise and my condolences.

Although that’s not what’s happened here, @YorkshireGoldDrinker. It’s not the OP’s own wedding, it’s her sister-in-law’s wedding. Mind you, I knew someone whose father died shortly before their wedding and I think they had the funeral and the wedding on the same day, or with one day's difference, as everyone who was going to the wedding would have had to come back to the same place/church for the funeral in any case.

I can't believe it was booked the same day! As his daughter did you not get a say? I think husband should go to the wedding but are you wondering whether to take your kids? If its an Irish type funeral take them too if you want to (I'd say you get priority choice).

@mosptrd sorry for your loss. did you have no say on the funeral date at all???

One thing to bear in mind is that if the SIL has already had to pay for meals for four people, it's more polite if only one of them is a no show, rather than three out of the four.

Sorry for your loss. I agree with previous posters and think you should go to your father’s funeral while your husband and children go to the wedding. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your husband to miss his sister’s wedding, but he should also understand that you couldn’t possibly miss the funeral.

It seems to be a lack of communication that the person who arranged the funeral didn’t know of your long standing prior commitment. I don’t think it’s fair to say blood is thicker than water . Sorry for your loss though I just lost my mum Sunday and I know how important the support around you at this time is.

Really? OP's DH would be expected at his father-in-law's funeral before his own sister's wedding? I'm not saying it's wrong just surprised it's so clear-cut

My family is Irish and wouldn't expect the partner but would expect the children, as they're blood relatives I suppose. It's probably just different families.

Objectively, it's a tough call.

For me, with everything else being equal, I think a wedding is more important than a funeral. The bride and groom will remember their day for a long time, it is a happy occasion, the start of a new chapter in life, where you celebrate with them. There isn't really a way to celebrate a wedding after the fact, unless they have another party.

Whereas with a funeral is different - in my view, they are very much for the living, the person who has passed won't know or care who is there and there are many other, more personal ways they can be honoured and mourned.

BUT ultimately it would depend on the relationships.

For you:

If you were close to your dad and personally feel the need to go and say goodbye and / or you need to be there for your mom, siblings to grandparents / and or have a religious urging to go, then you should absolutely go.

If you weren't close to your dad and don't have family to support and you are only going because you think you should, or will be thought badly of if you don't, then consider what your relationship is with your SIL - are you close to them and likely to remain so?

If that's the case, then go to the wedding and not the funeral.

For DH:

Assuming that your DH has a decent relationship with his sister, then he should absolutely go to the wedding (unless there is some extreme backstory, where he was really close to your dad but has been low contact with his family for years.

For the children:

In terms of the children, how old are they? Did they know and have a relationship with your dad? Is it closer than the relationship with their aunt? If they are old enough to state a preference, what do they want to do?

If they are young and don't have a preference either way, they will have much more fun at the wedding and it will give you the headspace to deal with your grief.

In fairness, funeral could have been arranged for another day if wedding date was planned from so long ago.

I think it depends on people's cultural and religious beliefs. Neither is essential. I have no intention of having a funeral for myself, as I consider them unnecessary. One can also get married without the whole palaver of "a wedding".
But given that these events have been arranged, one person to represent the family at each does seem sensible.

I think you should do what you want to do but dont expect your partner to miss his sisters wedding if that is his preference. You are not joined at the hip. If it were me I'd attend a funeral of a close family member over anything else but I dont like weddings so its an easy one!