What’s more important; funeral or wedding

[mosptrd]

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

To you: your father's funeral is more important than your SiLs wedding.

To your husband: his sisters wedding is more important than his FiLs funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss but each adult going to their own family event seems the best way. Kids can go to either.
I'm guessing there is no way the funeral can be shifted by a few days?

Given at SILs wedding is a long standing commitment, she's a close family member, and weddings are significant family gatherings and lots of photos etc will be taken, I'd agree that DH and DC should be there.

Its a shame, given that its your dad, that the funeral wasnt arranged on a date that could can make. However, hopefully your family will understand that you, DH and DC have a long standing and equally significant family event that you've already committed to on that date, so it won't be possible for everyone to be at the funeral.

The best things is for your husband to attend his sister's wedding with your children while you go to your father's funeral.

Only exception to this would be if your children were older and one of them really wanted to attend the funeral because of being close to your father

I’m very sorry for your loss OP.

I agree with those saying that you should go to the funeral and your DH the wedding. With the DC it would depend on ages, closeness and travel time but I would err towards them going to the wedding.

That means you can spend time supporting your family and grieving, without having to worry about someone else.

Dh and kids go enjoy wedding, and you go to fathers funeral. It's important to be there for people while they're here with us and it's important to remember the person who goes, and this way you ad a family can do both.

I'd have immediately asked that the funeral date be altered if possible. If not, OP goes to the funeral of her father and her husband/ children go to the wedding.

He'll have to manage the children.

If you go to the funeral alone will you have support there from other family members and someone to travel with if you need it? Family to stay with? If so I'd say do that and DH takes DCs to the wedding. I'm normally very much not joined at the hip with my DH and will happily go to a wedding, travel abroad etc without him but not sure I'd cope with travelling abroad alone for my own father's funeral. But even if your DH came to the funeral what about the DCs, are they of an age where they could attend the funeral too, were they close to your father?

In this case, depending on your relationship of course, the funeral. He's your father. I also wouldn't be in any right frame of mind to go to a wedding after the death of a parent, trust me.

I think it’s sensible that you go to the funeral and your DH goes to his sisters wedding.

There's no right or wrong here, so don't take this out on your husband.

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree that your priorities and loyalties need to be with your family - and his with his. So you need to go separately.

Funeral dates are usually agreed with immediate family - is there a reason that this hasn't happened?

I'm sorry for your loss. Of course you must go to the funeral. I think I'd be ok with my dh taking the kids to the wedding tbh but it depends on how close their were to your dad.

Very sorry for your loss, but your husband is right, you go to the funeral and he goes to his sister's wedding with the DC. It's not a case of what trumps what, both are important, it's just a very unfortunate circumstance that they're happening on the same day, and you can't both be at both. The children will be far better off at a wedding than a funeral, your family will understand that your husband can't miss his sister's wedding.

Everybody’s family dynamics are different. In my family myself, dh and dc would go to my dad’s funeral as we’re all close and love him dearly. Dh gets on with his sister but wouldn’t be extremely close.

however it sounds like your dh would rather go to the wedding so I think that’s his decision and he’ll have to live with the potential impact on your marriage. I think attending the funeral of a loving parent is non negotiable in your part so he shouldn’t ask you to choose.

I would go to the funeral because I wouldn't be able to celebrate someone's wedding whilst my father is being buried. But my DH and dc can go to the wedding as I wouldn't want them to be burdened by my loss especially if it's my husbands sister who is getting married!

As it’s your dad’s funeral don’t you get any input into the day it’s being held on? Yes you can’t pick a date that works for everyone but a date that works for the chief mourners such as all children surely could be found. Many years ago my grandma’s funeral was postponed because I was in the middle of my higher exams, we were extremely close and my mum and my aunts and aunt were okay about fixing a later date.
My dad was such a special person and I loved him dearly and I know for a fact that the last thing he would have wanted was for his funeral date to have caused any difficulties in my marriage and he would have wanted the date to be one where everyone could attend. He would especially have wanted his grandchildren there because they were so close to him.

Since you're immediate family in both, I would see if the funeral could be moved. If not, go to the funeral with your family and dh goes to the wedding with the children

I think it’s more Catholic / Protestant thing rather than English / Irish. My family are (lapsed) catholics and there’s no question that a funeral would come before a wedding and there’s an expectation to attend even a distant relative’s funeral to pay your respects, even if you haven’t seen them for years. In this situation of course the husband should support the wife and attend the funeral when her own father has died and the SIL should understand and expect that, unless the funeral date is in their control.

In this example I would go to the funeral and send DH to his sisters wedding with the children unless DC were older and expressed they wanted to come with me to the funeral. I would be glad to send them to the wedding if they are smaller as I wouldn’t want them to see me upset like that. I think both are equally as important as each other in this situation.

Was there no conversation at all that included you about the funeral date or was this simply the only date they had?

Sorry for your loss. I agree with all the other comments, you go to the funeral, your husband and children go to the wedding. It's sad that you wont have your husband's support at your father's funeral but unfortunately it's just one of those things. Just accept it and don't let it affect your lives negatively. Concentrate on coming to terms with the loss of your father.

Who has arranged the funeral when you are not available? That would make me feel that they don't care that I wasn’t there! DH should go to the wedding with the kids.

I think his suggestion is sensible. They are both important, neither outweighs the other.

I think you need to go to the funeral and your DH should go to the wedding with your DC.

Absolutely he should go to wedding and you to father's funeral. Very sorry for your loss and feeling torn this way at a difficult time x

Sorry for your loss. Sorry but a parents funeral surely trumps anything else.

This ❤️