Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What’s more important; funeral or wedding

247 replies

mosptrd · 25/09/2025 15:06

SIL have planned her wedding for over a year. Dh and I with dc are invited. Sadly my father, who lived abroad, died. The funeral is on the same day as the wedding. I need to go to the funeral but Dh wants to go to the wedding with dc. It really feels that blood is thicker than water.

OP posts:
DontCallMeLenYouLittleBollix · 25/09/2025 16:19

Plum02 · 25/09/2025 16:07

I think it’s more Catholic / Protestant thing rather than English / Irish. My family are (lapsed) catholics and there’s no question that a funeral would come before a wedding and there’s an expectation to attend even a distant relative’s funeral to pay your respects, even if you haven’t seen them for years. In this situation of course the husband should support the wife and attend the funeral when her own father has died and the SIL should understand and expect that, unless the funeral date is in their control.

Show quote history

Hmm, not sure that's it. My family are Catholic, all flavours from cultural only to very devout, and I can't think of one person who'd expect someone to miss a sibling's wedding for an in laws funeral. We value both occasions very highly in our family and one wouldn't outrank the other. I would say that's typical of the community.

The funeral also would never have been organised on a day anyone had a huge event like a wedding, albeit we're all pretty close whereas reading between the lines I'm not sure if that's the case here.

Pollymollydolly · 25/09/2025 16:22

MyDeftDuck · 25/09/2025 15:54

A funeral is no place for children………your husband should go to the wedding and you go to your fathers funeral, you will be very disappointed if you miss your fathers funeral, trust me. You can celebrate the wedding with an intimate get together with SIL and BIL at a later date.

Bizarre. Death is part of life - why shouldn’t children be at funerals? now weddings…..definitely a child free zone unless close family I.e. bride and grooms children or nieces and nephews. obviously a cultural divide.

op - I’m sorry for your loss. I would expect Dh and children to attend the funeral with me, it wouldn’t occur to me, or Dh, that anything else would be an option. But, as I said, I think this may be a cultural thing.

nosleepforme · 25/09/2025 16:28

I’m sorry for your loss. If it were me personally, I’d expect me and my kids to go to funeral. I’d love dh to support me, but I would try to understand if he went to wedding, it does make sense

Bumblebee72 · 25/09/2025 16:28

What a horrible decision to have to make but I wouldn't miss my fathers funeral.

Cornishclio · 25/09/2025 16:30

They are obviously both important but I think you should go to the funeral and DC and DH go to the wedding. It is your Dad who died but his sister getting married and live people trump dead ones imho. Was a discussion not had between you and siblings and your DM re the date?

OchonAgusOchonOh · 25/09/2025 16:31

Plum02 · 25/09/2025 16:07

I think it’s more Catholic / Protestant thing rather than English / Irish. My family are (lapsed) catholics and there’s no question that a funeral would come before a wedding and there’s an expectation to attend even a distant relative’s funeral to pay your respects, even if you haven’t seen them for years. In this situation of course the husband should support the wife and attend the funeral when her own father has died and the SIL should understand and expect that, unless the funeral date is in their control.

Show quote history

Irish protestants I know would have a similar attitude to Irish catholics. I was recently at a protestant funeral and the run up to it was very similar to an Irish Catholic one. Main difference was the deceased wasn't there and their wake was over a few days rather than a single day.

LargeChestofDrawers · 25/09/2025 16:31

Very sorry for your loss. But yes, you go to the funeral, DH and kids go to wedding.

honeylulu · 25/09/2025 16:31

You go to funeral. H and kids go to wedding.

Whoever is arranging the funeral should surely have consulted you if it was expected that your whole family attend, not least because it sounds like you will have to travel abroad.

I would hope that my husband would attend a family funeral with me if he could but I wouldn't expect him to miss a sibling's wedding.

toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 25/09/2025 16:32

I think you should go to the funeral and he takes the kids to the wedding.

user5972308467 · 25/09/2025 16:32

I think you go to funeral, DH and kids to wedding. It’s the only practical solution.

cupfinalchaos · 25/09/2025 16:33

I cannot imagine anyone involved with the wedding NOT thinking you should go to your own father’s funeral. Sorry for your loss.

TinyTear · 25/09/2025 16:34

wedding of course, the living are more important than the dead... your father is dead, will he care if you are there? (apologies if anyone will be offended, i attended my fathers funeral a couple of month ago but only because it didn't clash with an event two days later. if it had clashed i would have prioritised the event)

MyMilchick · 25/09/2025 16:35

MyDeftDuck · 25/09/2025 15:54

A funeral is no place for children………your husband should go to the wedding and you go to your fathers funeral, you will be very disappointed if you miss your fathers funeral, trust me. You can celebrate the wedding with an intimate get together with SIL and BIL at a later date.

She hasn't said she was thinking about missing her fathers funeral, her issue is that her husband is choosing to go to his sisters wedding instead of supporting her at her fathers funeral

Whattodo2024 · 25/09/2025 16:36

Funeral for you, wedding for DH

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/09/2025 16:36

Im sorry for your loss op, If that was me, I’d go to the funeral, and my DH would go to the wedding. No other practical solution as far as I can see. I wouldn’t see my DH miss his sisters wedding for a funeral on my side (unless he wanted to, I would leave it up to him). Wedding isn’t going to rearranged at this late stage, funeral presumably needs to be that day too. Tricky and sad but the fairest thing to do.

Nearly50omg · 25/09/2025 16:37

I would hope that my husband came with me to my fathers funeral to support me as I am his priority and should be over someone else’s wedding!

Mary28 · 25/09/2025 16:37

He is your father so you have to go to the funeral.
It's his sister so I think he should to go the wedding. It's a big day for him to miss.
It's not ideal obviously but you are both adults and you'll be fine.

spoonbillstretford · 25/09/2025 16:38

LadydeBathe · 25/09/2025 15:07

Why can’t you go to the funeral and he goes to the wedding? Seems like the most suitable solution.

This.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 25/09/2025 16:40

You go to the funeral, they go to the wedding.

Obviously the funeral is more important to you, just like the wedding is more important to him.

landlordhell · 25/09/2025 16:41

LadydeBathe · 25/09/2025 15:07

Why can’t you go to the funeral and he goes to the wedding? Seems like the most suitable solution.

Seems a sensible compromise.However, what are the circumstances of your father’s death and what was your relationship? When my DM died there is no way DH would not have come with me to her funeral. It’s ann awful thing to clash but this way you can both be at these important events. Could the funeral date not be moved? Normally a date is booked that all immediate family can attend.

inamo · 25/09/2025 16:41

Did those arranging your late father's funeral know you were invited to a close family (in law) wedding on the same day? Did you tell them before they arranged the funeral date?

Anyway, I suppose it doesn't matter, if you were close to your father (and my condolences on your loss), there's no question of you not being at the funeral is there?

Everyone on the wedding side will understand completely. Your DH will just have to go to the wedding with the children and you go to the funeral.

Is the issue that you want DH to miss the wedding and go to the funeral with you? I don't think that's an option and I'm sure your family abroad will understand that he can't be in two places at the one time!

A few years ago my younger sister died, and my DP's brother also died but he lived abroad. My sister's funeral was arranged first as BIL was being repatriated for a funeral at home and no one was sure when that would be. Turned out both funerals were on the same day at different ends of the country. Just the way things worked out and neither could be rearranged as people had committed to travel from abroad for each funeral. I went to my sister's and DP went to his brother's. It was sad not being there for each other, but it worked out in the end.

landlordhell · 25/09/2025 16:42

TinyTear · 25/09/2025 16:34

wedding of course, the living are more important than the dead... your father is dead, will he care if you are there? (apologies if anyone will be offended, i attended my fathers funeral a couple of month ago but only because it didn't clash with an event two days later. if it had clashed i would have prioritised the event)

Wow

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 25/09/2025 16:44

Personally I would say funeral for you. If you felt you needed your DHs support I’d say he should prioritise you over his sisters wedding. If you don’t need his support he should take the kids to the wedding.

Your priority is your Dad over SIL

Your DHs priority is you over his sister.

very sorry for your loss

landlordhell · 25/09/2025 16:45

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 25/09/2025 16:44

Personally I would say funeral for you. If you felt you needed your DHs support I’d say he should prioritise you over his sisters wedding. If you don’t need his support he should take the kids to the wedding.

Your priority is your Dad over SIL

Your DHs priority is you over his sister.

very sorry for your loss

Agree .You come before sister.

ThisTaupeZebra · 25/09/2025 16:46

Honestly, I would want to know how this happened? Who booked your father's funeral the day you had a family wedding to attend and why?

I hope it was very, very unavoidable.