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Original poster

Eternally single and fed up

177 replies

SafeSex · 15/09/2025 11:46

How do people make sense of life when you're single and childless? I've been single for twenty years and, more immediately, haven't had a conversation with an adult since last Thursday and won't until tomorrow.

I just matched with someone on Tinder and they asked where I live. I'd already told him the rough area of London and said I didn't want to be more specific, at which point he asked me if I was one of those crazy women who thinks every man is a stalker (complete with emoji). I explained I was just being cautious but apparently he "didn't agree with how I date" and I was not for him. WTF??

I'm reasonably good at making friends, but practically all of them are in couples and most have kids so weekends and holidays tend to involve a lot of solitude.

I don't really know what I want from this thread. Solidarity, maybe. Please don't give me a list of ways to meet people or how to meet men as I can assure you I have tried all of them, several times.

I'm quite independent, both practically and emotionally, but this is getting me down.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 15/09/2025 11:56

Honestly? Being in a couple with children isn't all it's cracked up to be, it's just the 'norm" that's shoved down our throats from every angle. Some of the happiest people I know are child free single women, and that's the truth. It's a more than valid way to spend your one short life on this earth, and conversely I know plenty of heterosexual women in relationships with men, with and without children who are stuck and miserable, but they feel they've ticked the box.

If I was you I would work out what makes you happy, what made you happy as a kid? What makes you feel up, and buoyant after you've been doing it, and why? Redircect yourself towards that, change what you can in that direction and appreciate that you have an independence and freedom to live your life and make changes that make you happy in a way that most would be envious of.

Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 12:04

@GoldDuster Thanks. I am able to reframe it sometimes, and I don't disagree with your point(s). But I do miss companionship and sex.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 15/09/2025 12:06

I'd use a better site than Tinder for starters.

Interested in this thread?

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General relationships
smallsilvercloud · 15/09/2025 12:14

I wouldn’t have given my exact location either, just the borough/town and that’s it, you have to be cautious about address and work, some men get a thrill over calling women crazy. I think keep going, it’s just having the patience to weed out quickly.

GoldDuster · 15/09/2025 12:15

It's fine to miss companionship and sex, but there's a way to go about getting both of those things, yet you feel you've tried them all? What do you feel isn't working for you? What's standing in your way of finding companionship and sex do you reckon?

Mysticguru · 15/09/2025 12:18

Can't beat a really nice friend with benefits situation.

Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 12:59

smallsilvercloud · 15/09/2025 12:14

I wouldn’t have given my exact location either, just the borough/town and that’s it, you have to be cautious about address and work, some men get a thrill over calling women crazy. I think keep going, it’s just having the patience to weed out quickly.

Thank you. I'd already given him some info about my job, so didn't want to divulge too much more before even meeting him (which obviously now won't happen).

OP posts:
Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 13:00

GoldDuster · 15/09/2025 12:15

It's fine to miss companionship and sex, but there's a way to go about getting both of those things, yet you feel you've tried them all? What do you feel isn't working for you? What's standing in your way of finding companionship and sex do you reckon?

What isn't working is finding someone! I've dated plenty of men over the last couple of decades, but they've all been duds in one way or another, the most common reason being that they are completely commitment-phobic.

OP posts:
Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 13:01

Mysticguru · 15/09/2025 12:18

Can't beat a really nice friend with benefits situation.

Yeah, if only I could find one! I did have someone, but he was so selfish in bed that I stopped it, although we're still friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 13:04

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 12:06

I'd use a better site than Tinder for starters.

It's exactly the same shit on all of them in my experience. Match, eHarmony, OKCupid, Guardian Soulmates, Ivory Towers, Hinge, Bumble, etc., etc. Doesn't make any bloody difference.

I know two people who are married to guys they met on Tinder. Goodness knows how they were so lucky.

OP posts:
DoodleLug · 15/09/2025 13:05

Can you join some clubs /groups? Then you'll have friendship and are more likely to to meet someone similar to yourself who is known to you in a more general sense?

Book club, allotment, charity work, food banks, village committee, any sport. Walking is good

Agree with PP that marriage and kids doesn't necessarily stop you being lonely, particularly when kids are little and you're tag teaming with dad.

Comedycook · 15/09/2025 13:06

If you wanted a job you wouldn't apply for one, decide it's not for you and then give up looking entirely would you? You'd keep looking until you found a job that suited you and vice versa. If you really want a relationship then I'd approach it like you're job hunting but obviously keeping your boundaries and your standards high.

Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 13:10

DoodleLug · 15/09/2025 13:05

Can you join some clubs /groups? Then you'll have friendship and are more likely to to meet someone similar to yourself who is known to you in a more general sense?

Book club, allotment, charity work, food banks, village committee, any sport. Walking is good

Agree with PP that marriage and kids doesn't necessarily stop you being lonely, particularly when kids are little and you're tag teaming with dad.

Thank you, but, as I said in my OP, I don't need lists of where to meet people. I have done volunteering, charity work, book groups, walking groups, a million evening classes of different sorts, choirs, Meetups, social groups, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 13:19

Comedycook · 15/09/2025 13:06

If you wanted a job you wouldn't apply for one, decide it's not for you and then give up looking entirely would you? You'd keep looking until you found a job that suited you and vice versa. If you really want a relationship then I'd approach it like you're job hunting but obviously keeping your boundaries and your standards high.

That's true, but on the other hand how long should you keep trying something that isn't working and that has no guarantees of working out? Somehow it seems much easier to find a job...

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 15/09/2025 13:28

So you do match and date it’s just finding the right one for you. The two examples you have given seem solid enough to not progress, though I’m wondering what selfish in bed means. No one should be with someone just to avoid being alone.

decenteringmen · 15/09/2025 13:33

I've been on my own for eleven years, and every time I have thought about seeking companionship, I've been shown that it's really not worth it. Too many manchildren who have kids they barely see and don't pay their way for, and NOBODY falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live.

My friends and my dog are all the companionship I need.

Jamjams · 15/09/2025 13:33

Hi I can really sympathise with you. For those saying 'get a friend with benefits', that's not as easy it sounds. You need someone you get on with and have chemistry but most importantly they need to have respect for you. So many men when you try and explain you don't want anything serious or just want to see what happens, assume you will be willing to meet up for sex ASAP.

Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 13:33

ViciousCurrentBun · 15/09/2025 13:28

So you do match and date it’s just finding the right one for you. The two examples you have given seem solid enough to not progress, though I’m wondering what selfish in bed means. No one should be with someone just to avoid being alone.

Selfish in bed means only interested in his own pleasure/orgasm so I would just end up feeling frustrated and annoyed.

OP posts:
ThirdStorm · 15/09/2025 13:35

I've been single for a long long time. I don't miss anything about being in a relationship so that probably means I'm lucky. I have a busy job as an introvert I need time to myself to recharge and I enjoy my own company. I usually have a long list of things I'm doing when I'm not working. I have a small group of friends and a few family members who I'm able to spend time with. It does occur to me I should try harder to meet people as I don't want to get lonely as I get older but I figure if its going to happen then it will just happen. I think the issue may be when I retire and I won't have the same contact with people.

Jamjams · 15/09/2025 13:39

Although I live in the north West of England and some men's attitudes to women are a bit backward here, I have had men describe other women as 'slags'.

Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 16:08

Jamjams · 15/09/2025 13:33

Hi I can really sympathise with you. For those saying 'get a friend with benefits', that's not as easy it sounds. You need someone you get on with and have chemistry but most importantly they need to have respect for you. So many men when you try and explain you don't want anything serious or just want to see what happens, assume you will be willing to meet up for sex ASAP.

Exactly. Not to mention the ones that don't seem to understand the word "no," even when you say it repeatedly.

OP posts:
Original poster
SafeSex · 15/09/2025 16:10

ThirdStorm · 15/09/2025 13:35

I've been single for a long long time. I don't miss anything about being in a relationship so that probably means I'm lucky. I have a busy job as an introvert I need time to myself to recharge and I enjoy my own company. I usually have a long list of things I'm doing when I'm not working. I have a small group of friends and a few family members who I'm able to spend time with. It does occur to me I should try harder to meet people as I don't want to get lonely as I get older but I figure if its going to happen then it will just happen. I think the issue may be when I retire and I won't have the same contact with people.

You get paid to be an introvert? Excellent!

OP posts:
Thingyfanding · 15/09/2025 16:21

Definitely get off Tinder. Could you try Bumble?
You can pay to go incognito and then you can see your matches easily - women also make the first move. I’ve also heard Hinge is quite good.
I would also look beyond traditionally good looking men. Focus more on what they do for work, hobbies etc - make sure you align there. I have found that attraction can build once you get to know someone but you have to give them a chance first.

user892734543544 · 15/09/2025 16:27

Do you want to be a mother?

Thingyfanding · 15/09/2025 16:30

Comedycook · 15/09/2025 13:06

If you wanted a job you wouldn't apply for one, decide it's not for you and then give up looking entirely would you? You'd keep looking until you found a job that suited you and vice versa. If you really want a relationship then I'd approach it like you're job hunting but obviously keeping your boundaries and your standards high.

I agree with this. If you genuinely want to meet someone, it is a bit of a numbers game.

Also, I don’t think you need to worry about saying the area of London you live in - no need to give out location details but saying you live in SE London is perfectly ok and then meet in a public place. If a man is up front about where he works etc and you’ve checked him out on LinkedIn or whatever, you can feel reasonably safe to meet in a public place.

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