Man behaving oddly near my daughter

[LumpyandBumps]

Good evening,

I sometimes feel that I run too many things past the wonderful Mumsnet ‘hive’ mind, but here I am again, as I don’t know what to do.

My daughter is 21, but small stature and when wearing make up, etc could easily pass for 16.

She started running a month or so ago. She runs maybe 3 times most weeks.

A couple of weeks ago she became aware of seeing a man in a car most times she was out. He would pass her and then she would see him parked up further along the road, or he would pass her and a short while later come back having turned around and pass her again. On one occasion he drove slowly behind and then very slowly past and along the road. She has changed her route more than once when she has seen him.

He is always in the same, fairly small, area, maybe 2 miles across, or so. We have traced the vehicle to the staff car park of a local employer, so he does have a reason to be in the area, although it doesn’t really explain the frequent trips up and down the road.

There aren’t that many places my daughter can run safely although she has resorted to doing laps of a field so she doesn’t go near him.

My son went out with her today so they took her normal route, but he is faster so they were separated by a few hundred metres and the man in the car waited for my son to get past and then went back past my daughter again ( he probably wouldn’t know they were together).

I’ve bought my daughter a repellent spray to try to keep her safe as my son can’t always accompany her.

I don’t know if there’s anything I can or should do about this man. He’s never actually stopped or spoken to her, although he does stare and make her uncomfortable.

I am fairly certain that speaking to the employer would not be productive. He works for a large country estate, and judging by the car ( approx value £60k) he probably holds a fairly senior position.

We no longer have our friendly female Community Policewoman or I would have spoken to her. I did think of making a report via 101 online, but the man hasn’t actually ‘done’ anything.

I would welcome suggestions.

I despair for society. Victims of crime are just ignored. 🥲

Give her a break, she's young and maybe like a lot of women hasn't got the confidence to make a fuss about something which is not clear cut.
I was quite naive and felt invincible at that age. It wasn't until I got older that I realised how grim someone men can be and became more wary of their behaviour.

The police will have told your daughter very clearly when she made the report initially that they would be calling her from an unlisted number and that they don’t leave messages due to potentially putting her at risk. It is just their process. She didn’t answer the phone 3 TIMES when they called and you are blaming THEM?! You should
be telling your daughter to ring 101 and APOLOGISE for wasting their time and say she didn’t realise it was them and that she’d have her phone next to her to answer as soon as any call came through in the future!!!! No wonder your daughter has an attitude! She clearly gets it from you!! If you want the police to keep your daughter safe and do something about this situation then call them back and cooperate!!! Otherwise when you come back to Mumsnet in a few months saying your daughter was attacked by the man ….🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ don’t be upset with all the posts saying well what did you expect!!

Rich people with tons of free time on their hands

They police rang back after the 24 hours specified and at 10.15 at night. It's not acceptable. Many of us would be in bed at that time but even at other times wouldn't be available to take a call. They need to have called back another time, not 5 minutes later.

Mumsnet used to be a place where women could get support. Now threads often turn on the OP and descend into nastiness very quickly, especially if the OP hasn't followed advice within 5 seconds.
What happened? Is this just Mumsnet or society in general?

Because the allocated officer was working a night shift so wouldn’t have started until 10pm? Then will be on 4 rest days before returning back on duty.

What??
Don't get this......

"She needs to get off her bum " "does she give up on everything so quickly " "if she can't be arsed to look after herself and do her bit for the community"

This is all victim blaming and places unfair responsibly on the victim and it is unacceptable. Let's not forget that ops dd is the victim in this and has done nothing wrong. There is no "correct" way to be a victim and going to the police is very daunting for loads of people and victims of abuse and stalking often gaslight themselves or are gaslit by others and that makes reporting extremely difficult. Crimes going unreported are not the victims fault and they don't make them any less of a victim. Working in this sector, I agree the police should have made a further attempt at a reasonable time to call her since they don't leave a message. 3x phone calls at an antisocial time of night on one occasion is not sufficient. Obviously the officer dealing with it may be off due to shift patterns or illness etc but again, that's not dds fault and as stalking is a serious crime further attempts should have been made to follow this up.

Op I hope she does ring again or calls into the station because she deserves to be taken seriously but she is an adult and its her choice so really all you can do is encourage her.

I agree with this. She is an adult but only 21.
She's young and still learning what creepy pests (and worse) men can be.

Most of us already know, except that one poster who seems to have fortunately sailed through life without any male issues.

Maybe the police will get back to her this week.
OP, does she drive or could one of the family drive her to a different area for a run?
She needs to get back to running really to keep her muscles in good shape.

Please encourage her to try again with reporting it to the police. And give the man’s name.

I wouldn’t do anything privately, eg get people to speak to him.

I experienced ‘lower level’ stalking twice at around your DD’s age. several friends did too.

Disagree, there is 100% a 'correct' and morally righteous way to be a victim. Everybody at some point will likely be a victim of a crime against us at some point in time. It's not a fact of whether or not, or how much we are to blame personally for that crime occurring, but once it has occurred the right thing to do at a minimum is report to the police and cooperate fully. This is not just for your own benefit but is also to the benefit of the wider community even if just for general stats. Then one would assume to safeguard ones self as best as possible to prevent any reoccurance.

I too hope your dd will try reporting it to the place again @LumpyandBumps It’s too serious not to.

I'm sorry and maybe I'm missing the point but I would have to state that this is surely one of the least serious incidents to occur on our streets and surely part of the problem of overzealousness and hysteria, and certainly of women getting a reputation for such behaviour when we claim that a second hand report of simply a man driving past slowly in a car is considered a 'serious' incident.

Language is important so it would be helpful to always use it correctly.

"There is 100% a 'correct' and morally righteous way to be a victim."

You do realise this exact attitude is very harmful and is actually completely disruptive and incredibly detrimental to a fair and ethical justice process which is what we all need? It also completely goes against human psychology. Trauma alone (often suffered by victims of crime which can also occur as the result of a PERCEIVED crime) can cause people to react to situations in different ways, sometimes ways that are difficult for society to understand or accept. The last thing we need as a society is anything that reaffirms the myth that victims should look or act a certain way as it actually undermines credibility which is deeply unfair.

Also the irony of your posts demanding that in order to be a 'good' victim of crime you must report and comply with an investigation no matter how intrusive or painful - to then post this undermining and gaslighting a potential victim is just laughable.

Unfortunately, you still don't get it and I'm wondering why?

Your suggested "one of the least serious incidents" could be/ likely is, a prelude to something serious and should not be ignored.

I feel you are being offensive calling these concerns overzealousness and hysteria.

And your pretending that's it's simply a man driving past slowly in a car, when you have already read that it's more than that is disturbing.

Knowing that it's already changed a young woman's life for the worst makes your victim blaming, totally unsympathetic post, disturbing.

What is your agenda?
Because it's certainly not one of empathy, reality or advice.

I haven't demanded anybody do anything. I've simply stated to morally righteous way to act in a society that expects a fair level of criminal justice and punishment to be handed out to criminals. I fully accept why people may not want to go down the route of reporting. However, that doesn't change the fact that that's not the right way to go about things. Sometimes life isn't fair. I've no doubt it will be a difficult process to go through but that's the price to be paid if you want to take someone's right to freedom away for several years. We can't just go locking people away because someone said so and they were traumatised and in tears. I'm afraid you're going to have to go through the process and accept that it may be a difficult one.

Being a responsible person can often be a very difficult task and can be daunting. Of course I have sympathy for any victim of crime but unlike you I'm not going to sit here and pretend that it's ever the right thing to do by not reporting.

Responsibility also isn't something you always ask for or are given. Unfortunately sometimes it just lands on you for no apparent reason and in the case where an assault, or any crime has been committed against you, then the unfortunate circumstances are that YOU ALONE are now the person responsible for reporting that crime.

This isn't a post about a crime however, what on earth would you expect the police to do when no crime has been committed. Someone drove past one time in a car slowly and he's often seen driving normally in the area. And? The police can unfortunately only help if a crime has occurred. They aren't a security firm. You personal welfare is your responsibility.

I think again, you're displaying extremely black and white thinking.

The right thing for who? Where does the victim and their needs and rights come into play or do you think they should be further victimised by having those removed from them as well?

We know that our justice system is not fit for purpose in many ways so I couldn't blame victims of certain crimes for not reporting because they know they are unlikely to get anywhere so they are entitled to weigh up what's more important - pursuing 'justice' they know they won't likely get, or protecting their own mental health? I think you show a shocking disregard for victims. In fact the attitude you're displaying - that there's one right way to be a victim, that victims have a moral obligation to suck it up and report irregardless of the impact on them, their children, their family, their safety etc can contribute to creating ptsd for victims of crime.

Life is just not as black and white as you seem to want to pretend.

Make your mind up!
She should report and not report??

What? Split herself in two?
Never heard such nonsense and offensive comments.

Likely because you didn't read them properly. I have never been offensive or indeed, split on whether she specifically should report or not.