Man behaving oddly near my daughter

[LumpyandBumps]

Good evening,

I sometimes feel that I run too many things past the wonderful Mumsnet ‘hive’ mind, but here I am again, as I don’t know what to do.

My daughter is 21, but small stature and when wearing make up, etc could easily pass for 16.

She started running a month or so ago. She runs maybe 3 times most weeks.

A couple of weeks ago she became aware of seeing a man in a car most times she was out. He would pass her and then she would see him parked up further along the road, or he would pass her and a short while later come back having turned around and pass her again. On one occasion he drove slowly behind and then very slowly past and along the road. She has changed her route more than once when she has seen him.

He is always in the same, fairly small, area, maybe 2 miles across, or so. We have traced the vehicle to the staff car park of a local employer, so he does have a reason to be in the area, although it doesn’t really explain the frequent trips up and down the road.

There aren’t that many places my daughter can run safely although she has resorted to doing laps of a field so she doesn’t go near him.

My son went out with her today so they took her normal route, but he is faster so they were separated by a few hundred metres and the man in the car waited for my son to get past and then went back past my daughter again ( he probably wouldn’t know they were together).

I’ve bought my daughter a repellent spray to try to keep her safe as my son can’t always accompany her.

I don’t know if there’s anything I can or should do about this man. He’s never actually stopped or spoken to her, although he does stare and make her uncomfortable.

I am fairly certain that speaking to the employer would not be productive. He works for a large country estate, and judging by the car ( approx value £60k) he probably holds a fairly senior position.

We no longer have our friendly female Community Policewoman or I would have spoken to her. I did think of making a report via 101 online, but the man hasn’t actually ‘done’ anything.

I would welcome suggestions.

I am fairly certain that speaking to the employer would not be productive. He works for a large country estate, and judging by the car ( approx value £60k) he probably holds a fairly senior position.

On what basis?????
You have a lot of preconceived notions about this and the police.

Take some action.

I would 100% supervise her runs in a car on a bike and/or get her brother to go with her.
1-2 hours of his time per week of his time for her safety is no hardship. He should also pace her not run off 100m ahead.

Support her going to the police and also flag his pervy creepiness to his employer given you know who thry are (if they have the reg they can match it to the employee).
They could just as easily hate him and be looking for a reason to sack him...you have NO idea how they will handle it.

I would stress less about his important job- it’s just as likely that his job means he would be sensitive about being publicly known as a pervert! I’d send your son or a nice neighbour with her, far enough back to start with to make sure there was a chance to take a good photo of the rego, then they come up and tell the driver he’s making this young woman very uncomfortable with cruising along sleepy near her when she runs, and she now can’t run this route unaccompanied, but if anything ever does happen to her the police will be at his door. If he kicks off video it, and after call the police to ask if she should do anything else, would it be ok to speak to his employer. She would need to be able to tell them he’s cruised slowly past say 8 times in the past month, but stays away when my brother is near, I have his rego and he works at x.

My DH was shocked in the same way, but when cycling.
DH started coming with me on my regular bike rides and couldn't believe all the men shouting things at me.
This was usually when we'd separated a bit because of traffic so they thought I was on my own.

We're pensioners now and it saddens me to hear that things haven't changed.

OP, my advice would be to go to the police.

Videos would establish that it’s a repeated behaviour.

I hate this. I hate this so much.

This happened to me once - slightly different.... But similarish behavior.

The man in question was obviously following me (turned around when I passed). I was walking in a large park and we were coming to a very isolated part of that park.

I was really scared. Every heckle was warning me that something wasn't right. I was alone and I felt vulnerable.

Heres what I did. I turned. I stopped. He stopped. We stared at each other for a good 30 seconds. I tried to show as much strength and aggression as possible. And I shouted - stop following me at him. He turned around and walked away. I continued to look at him until he had exited the park. I waited for ten minutes and then I walked back to where there were people and went home.

This may be bad advice.... But I would tell my daughter to stop. Look at him. And shout.... You are following me. Stop doing it. I have informed the police of your reg number.

I talked about my encounter w someone who had studied violence agn women. They said that in any encounter like that, men are doing a risk assessment - what's the risk this one will fight back, what's the risk I ll get caught etc. you have to push that assessment in your favour. When you are in a really tricky situation (alone and scared) that might mean showing them that you will fight back. They might still hurt you or kill you, but you ll scratch and scream. This makes them think the risk of getting caught is higher and might make them think twice.

I am so sorry we have to think like this.

Ps, frankly - I would take a man with me in this case. I would get the man to knock on the window. I would get him to say - your behavior is scaring this girl. Find a new route to work. Your license plate has been forwarded to the police.

Report it, alongside his plate. Every. Single. Time. This is stalking.
Additionally, she can run with an air tag either zipped into her running trousers or tucked in her bra.
(And before anyone comes at me re cancer risks, this man is the immediate threat here).
His behaviour isn’t normal, he’s a predator and she will need to actively take precautions including never going for a run without someone tracking her & knowing her route.

This makes no sense. If you passed him and then he turned around he must gave been waljing away from you.

Report to police - he’s a stalker x

Talk to the police. Talk to the creep and ask him what he's doing and why. Never be predictable vary, route,time etc. This man really should be challenged. You could start by saying what you have noticed about his behaviour, explain that it is causing concern that you have logged all the times and that you have talked to the police. Filming him would be great to show the police that this behaviour isn't normal. Phone his employer, even if they ignore you. Doing nothing is ridiculous.

Don't do that - just call the police for advice/to report

Police 100%

Id be tempted to do this if it was me and I was in my car or with someone else just confront him and make it clear his behavior has been noticed and reported and tell him to back the fuck off. What is fucking wrong with men to think they can just behave this way with lone women minding their own business its so maddening!!

I think what you have described is threatening and I wouldn't think twice about reporting it to the police. For all you know he might be known to them or have had other people make similar or more serious reports. There is no vague reason not to report this to the police. They should be made aware of things like this, or how could they do anything?

Perhaps this guy is bothering many women on a daily basis and no one is reporting it. People would be straight to ask why the police hadn't done anything... maybe no one has bothered to tell them?

She has to stop running that route alone. Take down his registration number and report him to the police. It isn't safe. I really don't want to scaremonger but someone I know used to run with her daughter. On the day that she didn't...well, the daughter is no longer with us (this was in the US). Please please please take this seriously.

I know that we shouldn't have to stop doing things we love, but if that man is dangerous even the MN hive mind won't be able to reason with him. And your daughter is a tiny young woman who looks like a child. Please don't take any chances.

Daughter should report to the Police and she should take a photo of his car and him. The head cam or bike vest cam is a good idea.

It is bad advice. Very bad advice. It worked for you, but her nutter might be different to your nutter. Also, she is a (presumably) tiny young woman who looks like a very young teen. What authority can she assert over him? How could she ever look like someone who can fight back? Leave it to the police.

Wtf?

The son should go and apologetically approach him because his sister is sensitive?

This is horrible advice and will just embolden this man because the brother would already be downplaying it as "what are women like eh".

As your daughter is an adult woman, I think she's the one who needs to report this to the police. You can accompany and support her, obviously.

And this kind of behaviour can escalate.

There is currently an epidemic of violence against women. We hate that fact, but until something is done about it, we have to take it seriously. We have to take precautions.

Very strange you'd say that. No I'm definitely all female, I'm not for alarmist behaviour however, and see incidences like this usually for what they are. This is based on facts and numbers and the general safety we all have the privilege of being part of in the UK.

Can your son not confront him? Walk up to the car window and just say Excuse me mate, why are you following my sister? You follow her every day, driving up and down while she's running, we've got video of you doing it. If I see you again, I'm calling the police.

But you are for gaslighting women?

Statistics actually say certain parts of the UK are the most dangerous places to live as a woman in Europe... and you think this is alarmist? When 2 women are murdered as a result of male violence per week? When 1 in 25 women experienced stalking in the UK in 2024 alone and 1 in 5 women will experience it in their lifetime in the UK?

I'm very confused as to what facts and figures you're reflecting on because I'd say recent data is nothing if not alarming.

And even IF we lived in your rainbows and butterflies world where crime and violence against women and girls in the uk was not a recognised epidemic, you must accept that there will be anomalies - even if acts of violence or stalking were rare (they aren't but if they were) then telling a woman that its in her head, she's being dramatic, she's an alarmist instead of listening to her gut is the very worst thing you can do... because if she's wrong, then she reports, it's investigated and nothing happens but if she's right and you convince her to downplay it then what happens? Is that really something you want on your conscience when you are not there, seeing what ops dd is seeing and feeling the discomfort she is feeling?

If you were out walking alone and felt uncomfortable and unsafe and like you were being followed do you gaslight yourself in this way too or would you take action to protect yourself? If the former then I suggest you ask why this is and try to address that, and if the latter then I'd ask why you don't think ops dd has the same right to trust her gut and protect herself?

Maybe he could also blame it on her period or tell him she's most likely just hormonal. Maybe it's a case of that female hysteria that's going around.

Men need to call these things out with other men directly, not necessarily in a rude or confrontational way, but also not in a way that further undermines women and perpetuates and worse, emboldens the misogynistic thinking this guy may have. Because it sends the message that other men don't believe women, that women ARE over sensitive and all men know it etc etc. Saying something like this from one man to a man with an incel mentality is like validation.

She is running on public roads. The field is the local football pitch. She can only use that when it’s not being used for games or practise.

You would be singing a very different tune if it was your own daughter.

But other people’s daughters seem to be collateral damage in the race to be a cool mum.