Should I wake DS for his trip?

[BerryTwister]

DS age nearly 20, home from uni for the holidays. He’s going to an event in another city tomorrow with 2 friends, getting a train around 8am. The plan was to have an early night, get up early, I’m driving them to the station.

DS and one of the lads he’s going with ended up going out, they’re still out, clearly clubbing, which means DS won’t get home till gone 5. He has to get up about 6.30.

I’m annoyed as I’ve paid for this event, as a birthday present, and DS has been really looking forward to it, but now he’s going to be hungover and feel like crap all day.

I doubt he’ll have the presence of mind to set his alarm, and his 2 friends are equally hapless. The friend who hasn’t gone out is very laid back and won’t really care what happens.

Should I set my alarm to get up and wake him? Or should I leave him to face the consequences of his actions?

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Link didn't work, I recommend reading the Let Them theory.

I think the key thing is that he knows what to expect. So before he went out clubbing, you could have told him that you wouldn't be waking him up the next morning. Or you could just make it a general rule - you're 20 now, and I won't be reminding you about things / waking you up if you oversleep. Or you could have left a large note on his bedroom door before you went to bed - "I don't know whether you'll still be going on your trip, and won't be waking you up. Wake me up if you need me to drive you."

I agree. When someone is open enough about their own parenting (or whatever actions) to post a genuine question, I’m often surprised by how some people seem to enjoy giving overly negative or critical responses. It’s almost like on an internet forum, it’s too easy to forget that human thoughts and behaviours are nuanced and complex and essentially come back with a ‘how ridiculous’ response (I’m not saying that this is never justified, but just that it often isn’t).

@BerryTwister I wouldn’t have known what to advise because I think parenting these days seems to be a slow loosening of the apron strings rather than a cutting of ties where, at eighteen, you’re on your own and that’s it. I can understand the tension in your mind between providing for your son (the day out, the lift, the breakfast) etc, and expecting a level of reciprocal adult behaviour.

It sounds like your son did mostly sort it out in the end with elements of stupidity (the friend considering driving over the limit). But I suppose that perfectly illustrates the teenage brain. Perfectly able to be ‘adult’ in some scenarios and underdeveloped in others. I was considered the ‘sensible one’ by my friends’ parents but some of my decisions were wild - I just think I hid that wildness from adults a bit better than some.

Why don't you just put the alarm in his room, set to wake him at 6.30am? Then you get your lie-in and he gets to choose.

He's probably on his way back by now! No alarm needed.

I agree. I wouldn’t have dreamt of going out if my Mum had arranged to get up and give us a lift and paid for the event! It’s so rude, he’s almost 20 not 15!! Although he might get up yet.

Spiteful? Way to show you haven't read ALL of the OP's posts on this thread, @Cakeandcardio . OP has bent over fucking BACKWARDS to appease her son. If anything, she's been a doormat and shows she allows her son to manipulate her.

@BerryTwister Did he have a good day? What kind of state was he in when he got back? Hope you enjoyed the day to yourself and that you didn't give in and scrub his vomit-covered shirt.

OP didn’t say it’s too early for her to be up ….

It's truly quite amazing when you're younger that you can stay out all night and continue the next day. So much stamina and energy! Xx

When I was at medical school (a million and one years ago) I'd be in A&E all day and night, lectures next morning, partying and getting rat-faced the following night and then A&E or maternity ward again all of the next day, after maybe two hours sleep in the staffroom or canteen (or, once, in the sink in the sluice room). I did fine. I was 20 ffs! In many ways the best days of my life.

@Pluvia well as I predicted (because I know my DS needs his sleep!) he enjoyed the day but not as much as he would have done, because he was completely exhausted. His friends had more energy and wanted to stay longer, so by the time I picked them up from the station later DS was absolutely shattered. But fortunately not drunk, because he’d clearly discovered that “hair of the dog” doesn’t actually work, and makes you feel worse.

As for the shirt - I’d put it in to soak yesterday morning, and I told DS he could scrub it himself, or I’d do it if he paid me £5! He preferred to pay me, and guess what - the soaking process seems to have done the job, so I’ve got £5 from him for nothing. Result!

No call it a learning experience for him

Wake him, then it’s his problem, next birthday get him some common sense

When I was younger I would do this, there's a real fear of FOMO your friends going out and a chance of a good time, have minimal sleep and be back out the next day drinking for something planned. Ive got a career and a family now, he will grow out of it eventually- he's just acting like a young adult with minimal responsibilities. I'd suggest you just leave him to it, don't make him breakfast or pander to him, don't be a back up option (like transport) unless it's for something sensible x

He’s only a young lad for Goodness sake !
Next Birthday get him some common sense 🙄
Back in the day I regularly partied & rocked up to work at 8 am ! !
Vision blurry & reeking of alcohol, Youth is there to be enjoyed !!!!!

Glad he had fun and learned a bit of a lesson. At his age, I was heading into town straight from work to do the Jilly’s all-nighter in Manchester on a Friday, then getting the first train home to open up the coffee shop for a busy 12-hour Saturday shift, then heading straight from there back out to Jilly’s. Now, 20 years later, I’d not even make it through the initial all-nighter 😂. I also barely drink (maybe a glass of wine or a nice Speyside once every six months).

It is perfectly normal to be like that at that age - for some more than others - but sounds like you handled it alright. I probably wouldn’t have soaked his shirt or made him pancakes (sure as shit, no-one did that for me at that age 😆) but I certainly wouldn’t judge another parent for doing so! And he did make it to the footie so winning!

How old are you? I’m 44 and clubs were open until 10am the next day, i’doften get home at 8/9 the next morning in my 20’s and 30’s to be fair. Couldn’t do it now would take me a month to recover 🤣🤣
I can see why your upset looking at it from a parental point of view, but as far as I can see it is total normal behaviour for people of that age.

@BerryTwister you sound like me when my boys were both that age! They've turned out OK and , to the frustration of their father (we are divorced) neither drink much any more One prefers quality alcohol over quantity so a nice glass or two of red wine is his max and the other just doesn't drink as he had a huge panic attack last time he got drunk and doesn't want it to happen again.

Hope he got away ok. We’ve all been there! I Remember my mother perming my hair (against my will and while I was unconscious) the day before my sisters wedding (I got completely hammered). She woke me at 8.00 and took no prisoners. Oh to be 18 again! You sound like an awesome mum.

No kids I know go out before 7pm. As the clubs close at 4/5am most I know go after 11pm and that’s been going on for years. (I teach them to drive so I know what their antics are).

Whoever said OPs DS has a drink problem needs to stop being daft. I didn’t have a drink problem and used to go out drinking Thur-Sun back in the 80s/90s.

How come your almost 20 year old is going in to his final year at uni? I have an almost 20yr old and he’s going in to his 2nd year. I’m assuming it was a mistype.

He's stupid to go out drinking the night before an early start and busy day when he knows he can't self-limit his alcohol consumption. But in answer to your original post, I would probably just have stuck a big unmissable note on his bedroom door reminding him to set his alarm for x time, and then checked on him when I woke up in the morning; as you were making breakfast and driving him to the station that should have given him time to get ready to go and I'd probably have chivvied him out (although you shouldn't of course have to).

You couldn't let his drunk friend drive the group, but I'd be unimpressed that he'd asked for the favour of an early ride and then willfully gone back to sleep when woken, leaving you to wait around until he's ready to go. I don't think I'd be agreeing to adjust my plans to drive him next time he asks.

Train your puppy, how you want your dog!

My daughter has a late August birthday, currently going into year 2, was 19 last week.

It's not that unusual.