Should I wake DS for his trip?

[BerryTwister]

DS age nearly 20, home from uni for the holidays. He’s going to an event in another city tomorrow with 2 friends, getting a train around 8am. The plan was to have an early night, get up early, I’m driving them to the station.

DS and one of the lads he’s going with ended up going out, they’re still out, clearly clubbing, which means DS won’t get home till gone 5. He has to get up about 6.30.

I’m annoyed as I’ve paid for this event, as a birthday present, and DS has been really looking forward to it, but now he’s going to be hungover and feel like crap all day.

I doubt he’ll have the presence of mind to set his alarm, and his 2 friends are equally hapless. The friend who hasn’t gone out is very laid back and won’t really care what happens.

Should I set my alarm to get up and wake him? Or should I leave him to face the consequences of his actions?

oh "spiteful" has been used, a MN favourite. No, OP you are not being that.

But here goes:

The reason I wanted to know what people thought was because parenting “adult children” is a constant balancing act, treading a fine line between giving them the full autonomy they claim they deserve, and knowing when to step in and treat them like a child again

See how today goes. They may be fine. They may not enjoy it due to hangover (IME from me at that age? it will just be like a continuance of the night before and i'd be fine until Sunday then sleep all day)

When you are both relaxed and calm and in the headspace to chat might be a good time to ask him that question. In X scenario, would you prefer me to wake you, or let you do it yourself and possibly miss out on the event? In Y scenario, what do you think we should do? in Z scenario? Before something big (leaving for the airport for a holiday; a festival etc etc we often clarified their wishes just before the event, to be sure what everyone was expecting of everyone else).

And if they were late for something, or missed it, because of their own actions? "oh that's annoying for you, what a shame" etc etc, but that was it. No blame, no "i told you so" nothing.

We reviewed things several times as DC were growing up, and it worked out well for the most part. As they got older, needed us in different ways, had to learn to adult etc etc, we reviewed expectations about 4 people living together, etc etc. And we all made compromises on some things. For others it was "as long as you live under our roof" (so: smoke a joint in the garden is ok, smokining in the house? under no circs)

Ah it sounds like it all turned out well in the end. It’s a fine line isn’t it and I just read that you’re a single mum. I was a real party girl in my teens so I’m very relaxed at the all nighters my teenagers pull. In fact after Covid I’m just glad they’re out having fun. But yes potentially missing out on a big day that was a treat would annoy me too. They are incredible beings though and they do bounce back so hopefully he’ll have a great day and will learn a lesson not to drink so much the day before! It’s hard to get the right balance between too relaxed and enabling and fun sponge 🤣

@HavingaYchromosomeisntanexcuse , indeed some consequences, but heaven forbid posting some info that the Op might find useful.

I often used to party all night then work a 12hr shift fuelled by red bull at that age, stick to the plan, if you can't wake him up then leave him but act like nothing has changed till then

I would be a little concerned about his drinking habits tbh. It may seem like very silly, laddish behaviour. He is binge drinking.

I have similar aged DC and both them and their friends seem to have a much more sensible attitude to drinking.

We do have some history of alcoholism in our family though.

Why is it useful to OP? She is neither drunk nor going to the event

@HavingaYchromosomeisntanexcuse , information is always useful , you just stay on your high horse though .

Why is this information useful to her??? You could post information about dinosaurs, or the tidal times in Southend - would that be 'always useful'?

It would if you we’re paddling in Southend , hope that helps .

Apologies, I didn’t finish my post properly (I was half awake!).

I meant to add that it is wasted if the son didn’t end up going, but appreciated he could still have managed to go, despite going out clubbing.

I’m pleased to see he has made an effort, and is on his way/at the event 😊.

OP isn't. Just like she isn't at this event. So what was your point?

😂👏 Yes passive aggressively with an ear worm retro choon is the way to go!

I’d wake him. He can sleep on the train. Perhaps he isn’t planning to go to bed!

You sound like an amazing mother. He's very lucky to have such a good mum.

As a PP poster has suggested - set a loud alarm and leave it in his room. You can then have a lie in until you need to be up to take them to the station.

And….there’s 2/3 of them isn’t there? Spoilt between them. He’s spent far more on beer and clubbing!

In my experience of not quite adult dc its about drawing your boundaries while still being helpful and loving.

So for the pick up later today I would offer to collect them from the train if they arrive before 7pm and after that they have to get a taxi. That means you can have dinner and an early night as you were up early this morning, but you will collect them if they can fit with your timings

Drinking too much.
Ok when he is sober.
Habits financially supported by parent.

🙄

@SadTimesInFife helpful. Thanks.

“ Spiteful”??! Where did you get that from? She stayed awake worrying about him, had bought him tickets to an event today, set her alarm for 6:30 on her day off to wake him ( an adult man), made him pancakes for breakfast and drove him and his mates to the station! I’m failing to see the spiteful here - although I’m sure the OP is very appropriately feeling a bit pissed off at his lack of consideration.

@BerryTwister

i think you sound like an eminently reasonable & lovely mum.

You‘ve valid reasons to be annoyed with DS, but still got him up, breakfasted & to the train - and will collect on return. That’s a kind mum!

My eldest is 18, I’ve two younger so I’m only beginning to navigate the child / young adult transition and how parenting has to change, and I fully hear and agree with the challenges you articulate!

He is on his way to the event now, so he doesn't need waking up.

But she already has taken him to the station?

I’m annoyed as I’ve paid for this event, as a birthday present, and DS has been really looking forward to it, but now he’s going to be hungover and feel like crap all day. This is his problem.

People learn from mistakes. It's not unusual for young people to learn about hangovers by having them.

OP, I was your son once. I remember at uni staying out for a lock-in, getting the bus back, realising I had an early lecture and just decided to go straight in. It was painful and I wasn’t sure I’d survive until I went and got 3 boxes of Maccies chips at 11 but I was fine!

It’s uni and those can be such huge party years. It’s your first taste of independance and you don’t get it ‘right’ for years! Lots of lessons in your mistakes. Right now, your son is probably having one of the best weekends of his life. Those days having a few drinks at lunch with your mates that turn in to an unexpected night out can become some of your best memories. A 20-year old hangover only needs a Lucozade and a bag of chips and you’re back to normal. And it’s a Bank Holiday - students code to go extra hard 🤣

Don’t worry too much. It’s short lived - I moved out right after uni and started working and those benders very quickly fizzle out when you’re in the working world. I know it must be so hard while he’s at home being so aware of it but he’s got good friends, he’s having fun. I hope you catch up on some sleep tonight!