Should I wake DS for his trip?

[BerryTwister]

DS age nearly 20, home from uni for the holidays. He’s going to an event in another city tomorrow with 2 friends, getting a train around 8am. The plan was to have an early night, get up early, I’m driving them to the station.

DS and one of the lads he’s going with ended up going out, they’re still out, clearly clubbing, which means DS won’t get home till gone 5. He has to get up about 6.30.

I’m annoyed as I’ve paid for this event, as a birthday present, and DS has been really looking forward to it, but now he’s going to be hungover and feel like crap all day.

I doubt he’ll have the presence of mind to set his alarm, and his 2 friends are equally hapless. The friend who hasn’t gone out is very laid back and won’t really care what happens.

Should I set my alarm to get up and wake him? Or should I leave him to face the consequences of his actions?

@BerryTwister Him n his mates will probably end up sleeping it off (and being fairly "ill") at the station, having missed the train home - assuming they remember to get off the train at the right station and don't arrive a bit further down the line
Don't bring them home if it's after 10pm - they can pay the £50 for an uber or start walking.
Life lessons.

I know it's done now, but I wouldn't have woken him, and I'd have been furious after spending money on the event for him to be so irresponsible had he not got up.

By 20years old, I'd been living independently for 4 years, and I wouldn't have been behaving so irresponsibly as your son has this weekend.

I'm shocked at how many posters gave you grief and encouraged you to treat him like a child, rather than the adult that he actually is. As for the poster at the start claiming "Also, 6.30 isn't that early for you to wake up (I get up at 5.55 for work)" when OP was still up and writing the post at 03:37, getting less than 3hrs sleep is clearly not a full night's sleep, so basing at 6.30 as "isn't that early for you to wake up", and basing it on what time YOU get up (completely irrelevant), is completely ridiculous.

Granted, my children are not his age yet, but I cannot see myself pandering to this irresponsibility.

Hope you're ok @BerryTwister and manage to get a good lay in tomorrow.

Good for you. But you didn't treat your mother like a servant in your example, did you? You didn't expect her to collect you and your drunk mates from the station at an unknown time set at your convenience.

I know you meant to be reassuring to the OP, but actually what you've done is completely minimise her experience, as if you think it doesn't matter. Women and mothers aren't support beings who exist to enable children and men to do what they want. They're human beings who deserve more respect and consideration than this guy has shown his mum.

You sound hard work. Why wouldn't you wake him up.

No I didn’t, and she wouldn’t have picked me up either, ever - and OP doesn’t have to. A £50 taxi between three is nothing and if he wants his independence he can pay his own way, it’s what I’d have done. I’m 40 now but always had my ‘emergency £20’ tucked in my purse to get home. You’re never going to stop a 20 year old going out!

All of it is spiteful and immature. As I said, you sound like hard work. Poor lad has his work cut out doing anything right by the sound of it.

I get it’s annoying but I wouldn’t be making him breakfast and picking him up later if you’re going to moan about it, just don’t do it but I’d wake him up cos that’s just being spiteful for a young person doing what most of them do

Mine are the same age, generally good kids, occasionally wild and thoughtless. I was probably similarly a bit thoughtless at that age tbh. Personally I would have woken him up (as I think you did), facilitated helping him go on the trip as agreed, but would be having a quiet word when he got back.

Teenagers can cope with low sleep

I'm not at the teen stage yet but I don't think I would have got him up. He is old enough to be sorting himself out and he should have been more sensible the night before.

Good to hear. If the OP's son was reading this, what would you say to him?

It's not spiteful at all. That's bollocks. Pay posters saying this and similar no attention at all.

You've been very accommodating. Far more than I think I might have been. I mean, I'd probably have driven him/them to the station in the morning, but would have been far more reluctant to pick them up later.

I'd have preferred them to get an Uber home from the station, especially as it won't be entirely certain what time they will get back later and I personally don't like driving after dark (I'm aware that is one of my personal quirks). I'd even consider putting up the money for it even though things can be tight for me too. It would just ease things a bit for everyone I suppose.

Op remember that it is school holidays - and some children think it's fun to be on mumsnet trying to wind up the adults.

I think you're occupying a weird middle ground here OP.
Still on one hand the mum who wants to give her boy his perfect day, exercising your adult influence to make sure nothing spoils it (early night, good breakfast, fresh for the big day), while on the other, an adult getting to grips with her relationship with another adult who happens to be her son. This means wanting him to afford equal consideration to you and not take advantage, be independent so you don't have to run round after him, and so on.
Eventually, you should move completely to the second position where you detach from his choices, shrug your shoulders if he does (harmless) daft things and only do for him those things you think are reasonable, adult to adult. But, he's only just grown up, so it's early days yet and you're still in the transition phase.

Next time you'll probably invest less in trying to make his day as you'd wish it to be for him, and feel more relaxed, because each thing like this moves you closer to seeing and treating him as a fully autonomous adult.

I’m team consequences. I’d have woken him once if I was already up as I’d agreed to drive him, but no more. Tough titty if he misses it.

Oh do bore off

Just wake him, not every little thing has to be a bloody life lesson!

Sorry but I think that’s his responsibility to factor in. £50 taxi between 2-3 of them is not a huge cost, and they all appear to have enough money to buy drinks and pay for club entry all night last night, and drink again all day today as you’ve said ?
If it was collecting them at an agreed time then fine, but I certainly wouldn’t be just hanging on all evening / staying up late to play free-taxi whenever they deem is acceptable.

Toom late now but I would have used the 1812 Overture with all the canons etc!

I don’t really have any advice as I think it’s a tricky one… and I just wanted to say OP that I feel for you, and don’t understand why some posters are being so critical – either saying you’re harsh or saying you’re too soft! You can’t win! Parenting is tricky, even when they get older… I think I will find it hard to navigate when I’m at that stage. We just want them to be safe and well and wise really, don’t we. xx

The other aspect is as a parent you can't do right for doing wrong! I have a 40+ daughter who comes to stay and she will say she's getting off early when it's time to go home, it's a 400 mile drive, if she's not up I will tap on her door to be grunted at, if she's running late she will be snappy and the heavens will cave if I ask if she has everything!

I'm not sure that waking up a hungover person who needs to be somewhere is treating them like a child. Neither is driving someone who is over the limit and planning to drive themselves. More like being helpful to someone you care about who isn't managing things very well.
You're sounding a bit martyred OP, remember that you are choosing to do whatever you do, not being forced into it by DS or his friend. You want DS to have a nice day out especially having paid for it. You could have just stayed in bed and only got up when DS asked you for a lift.

I use to drink all night then go to work on an hour sleep

His young. Thats what we all did

Im now in my 40's and havent drunk for 12 years

@RoseAlone thank you for your well thought out reply.

You’ve had some mean answers .
It’s ok to question our parenting and to find it hard to find the balance between young adults / adults / our children .
There’s no one size fits all answer.
It’s only inportnant to work out what will fit well with our values and family and it can be useful to hear other perspectives .
No need for some of these replies .