Should I wake DS for his trip?

[BerryTwister]

DS age nearly 20, home from uni for the holidays. He’s going to an event in another city tomorrow with 2 friends, getting a train around 8am. The plan was to have an early night, get up early, I’m driving them to the station.

DS and one of the lads he’s going with ended up going out, they’re still out, clearly clubbing, which means DS won’t get home till gone 5. He has to get up about 6.30.

I’m annoyed as I’ve paid for this event, as a birthday present, and DS has been really looking forward to it, but now he’s going to be hungover and feel like crap all day.

I doubt he’ll have the presence of mind to set his alarm, and his 2 friends are equally hapless. The friend who hasn’t gone out is very laid back and won’t really care what happens.

Should I set my alarm to get up and wake him? Or should I leave him to face the consequences of his actions?

AHH well done op, I think you played it perfectly. Go put your feet up now and enjoy the peace!

No, but some other poor woman may be. Think of the thousands of women who post on MN in despair at the man-children they've mistaken for fully functioning adults and had children with.

I’d be frustrated too OP. I think you have summed it up - you are serving as his safety net to try and minimise the risk of things going wrong. That’s a huge mental load for you. If he recognises and shows appreciation for what you do for him then I’d be a bit more forgiving but it does sound as though he is taking advantage of your generosity.

I think feeling the way you do is a signal that you need to take a step back and focus on yourself. Not him. Not other people. You.

Wishing you well OP. I wish I had someone like you in my life sorting things out and making things nice for me!

It sounds like he’s got a problem with alcohol tbh.

@housethatbuiltme I knew today would be a big drinking day. I just didn’t expect him to go to the pub from work, drink for 12 hours, sleep for 2 hours, then start drinking again. I don’t like it.

I completely understand how you feel and would feel the same based on your update.

How many of them are going? Because £50 for an uber split 3 or more ways is reasonable to avoid you waiting to be summoned all evening and picking them up drunk (you said they'd be drinking all day). I think that is a step too far.

And yet most posters are telling me I should lighten up and this is what everyone his age does 🤷‍♀️

OP you sound like a lovely thoughtful Mum.
Ive been there with 2 slightly older DS’s.
Mine have got a lot more sensible about the drinking as they’ve got older.

I agree. Is this frequent behaviour? One of my uni acquaintances was warned by the doctor he was on the road to liver failure - he was only about 19.

I get that you are pissed off, but I would certainly get the shirt into soak and clean that sick up. It would be a bit of a waste if you left it for him to do later and he fell asleep before doing it/did a really bad job and it was wrecked/binned.

OP I wouldn't be picking him up. Or maybe, I would, but then tomorrow when he is sober (and still hungover, ideally) I would be spelling out, very calmly and clearly, why I won't be doing it again. If he insists he's an adult then he treats you with the respect he should offer any adult, and not mess up your weekend so he can stay pissed. You will not give him any more 6am lifts when an 8am lift will be just as good for him and a lot more beneficial for you. He's ready for adult conversations about actions and consequences, and respect for others.

Big night out once a week usually, probably twice a week when he’s away at uni. The drinking culture seems very different from when I was a student. We’d go out at about 8pm, and the clubs closed at 2am. Now they seem to go out before 7pm, and the clubs are open till 4am.

Have you chosen to live somewhere semi rural with no public transport? If not, then decide if you are willing to give lifts, don't do the Martyr thing.

At that age I would have gone out, gone home to pick up a bag and gone straight out to the train station! That's the joy of being 20, no?

I am starting to understand why we see so many posts on here from women whose husbands are utterly useless and expect them to do everything. He is a grown adult who needs to clean his own sick. Good grief.

No, it certainly not the way that every 19-year-old male behaves. I have friends and family who aren't exactly strict, but have been really clear and consistent in their expectations of their kids over the years and not given in to manipulation and emotional blackmail. They certainly wouldn't think that going out, getting rat-arsed, arriving home covered in vomit, behaving abusively towards their mother and then going off today and doing it all again was 'just one of those things that young men do'. Much easier for them, I know, because there are two parents in the families I'm thinking of, and they've approached parenting as a united front. They're not inflexible but they don't give in and end up constantly doing what their adult children want.

They wouldn't, for example, have got up early to make him breakfast. They would have made him breakfast, possibly, if he'd behaved well. You've made him breakfast despite his shit behaviour. Unfortunately you've sent him a message that he can do what he wants and because you love him you'll make him breakfast and drive him to the station at a time that suits him, and collect him at a time that suits him, even if he's off his head and covered in sick.

I get what you’re saying @BerryTwister but if they insisted on getting the early train and he has a holiday job he can pay for a taxi. No way would I have expected you to get up to take me. Making the pancake mix is a kindness but as an adult I’d have left them to the rest of it.

@pluvia and yet many posters questioned me even considering not waking him up! Parenting is a minefield.

Oh my god are you serious!! He is 20 years old. Most of us did exactly the same!!

Nope he's an adult, leave him alone let him miss it and then tell him u want reimbursement for the tickets to the event that he so clearly wasn't bothered about and that you hope one day he will grow up to be responsible.

Did you never go out as a 20 year old ??? I used to get in at 5am and make it to work for 8am most weekends when I was that age! Couldn’t do it now mind you 😂
Wake the kid up, couple of pints of water and a bacon sarnie on the way to his day out and he’ll be right as rain!

@JRM17 you might watch to catch up on the thread. He’s been woken and headed off on his trip already.

I drank like that for years and was a right selfish idiot if im honest. The difference was I mainly did it away from home.

When my parents were aware they certainly weren't doing my laundry, making breakfast or giving me lifts - we did live very locally.

I think you're being too nice! Have a conversation with him when he's sobered up and tell him he's taking the piss and lay out your boundaries/guidelines.

He will likely grow out of the drinking. I did. Eventually...

I would wake him up on the loudest way possible - wooden spoon and a pan comes to mind! Then play something loud in the car on the way to the station! Hopefully they won't fall asleep on the train and miss their stop!

I’ve only read your updates. I would have done the same.