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Original poster

Should I wake DS for his trip?

220 replies

BerryTwister · 23/08/2025 03:37

DS age nearly 20, home from uni for the holidays. He’s going to an event in another city tomorrow with 2 friends, getting a train around 8am. The plan was to have an early night, get up early, I’m driving them to the station.

DS and one of the lads he’s going with ended up going out, they’re still out, clearly clubbing, which means DS won’t get home till gone 5. He has to get up about 6.30.

I’m annoyed as I’ve paid for this event, as a birthday present, and DS has been really looking forward to it, but now he’s going to be hungover and feel like crap all day.

I doubt he’ll have the presence of mind to set his alarm, and his 2 friends are equally hapless. The friend who hasn’t gone out is very laid back and won’t really care what happens.

Should I set my alarm to get up and wake him? Or should I leave him to face the consequences of his actions?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 23/08/2025 06:32

I’m guessing he doesn’t have an actual alarm clock? Do you have one anywhere you could just put by his bed.

we actually have them again because we adopted gentle wake up alarms, but I could probably also dig out an old travel alarm clock from storage.

LBFseBrom · 23/08/2025 06:46

BerryTwister · 23/08/2025 03:52

I get up at 6 in the week for work. I value my weekend lie ins. Mind you, I can’t sleep tonight so I’ll probably be awake anyway.

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Yes and you can go back to bed when he has gone, it will be lovely! A day to yourself, bliss.

We've all been there, Berry. Youngsters of your son's age are often like that but will pull out the stops if they have to and he'll be fine. Please don't worry.

WhatDaHell · 23/08/2025 06:49

Definitely get him up. I would have done something similar at his age and would have still had a great time. He's young, so should be able to push through. Although, he'll probably learn his lesson about it Sunday morning when the tiredness kicks in 🙈

LizzyEm · 23/08/2025 06:52

BerryTwister · 23/08/2025 03:52

I get up at 6 in the week for work. I value my weekend lie ins. Mind you, I can’t sleep tonight so I’ll probably be awake anyway.

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You're driving him aren't you, so you have to get up anyway. Assuming he gets up and goes.

Why on earth wouldn't you wake your child?

TokyoSushi · 23/08/2025 06:52

Team wake him up!

nomas · 23/08/2025 06:52

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 23/08/2025 04:57

She sounds resentful because she spent her hard earned money on something for him and he's possibly going to let it go to waste.

Very easy to be laid back about something that has no impact on you whatsoever!

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Exactly.

nomas · 23/08/2025 06:53

LizzyEm · 23/08/2025 06:52

You're driving him aren't you, so you have to get up anyway. Assuming he gets up and goes.

Why on earth wouldn't you wake your child?

Edited
Show quote history

Why on earth wouldn't you wake your child? Confused

It’s not confusing if you read her post.

GameWheelsAlarm · 23/08/2025 06:54

If you're awake right now and he isn't then yes wake him up. If you are asleep and he misses the event, that will just be a valuable life lesson for him. Do not spend a single penny on a replacement gift. We all have to make some spectacularly stupid mistakes in our 20s in order to gain wisdom as we age. This is a relatively mild one.

GlastoNinja · 23/08/2025 06:54

Just wake him (if he doesn’t just stay awake all night anyway which is what my sone would do)

party4you · 23/08/2025 07:06

Are you sure he’s not just gonna pull an all nighter?

Original poster
BerryTwister · 23/08/2025 07:29

He got home a couple of hours ago. I heard his alarm go off at 6.30, I’ve also been in, but he just goes back to sleep. I’ve got up, made the breakfast he asked for, got dressed, ready to drive him to the station. The rest is on him. He can get a later train and still arrive in time. It was him and his friends who wanted to set off early, to make the most of the day.

Yes I am annoyed. Like all 19 year olds he spends a lot of time telling me he’s an independent adult, so this poor planning is irritating. Of course I had many big nights out in my youth but I never missed anything that mattered to me. And I’ve dragged myself out of bed, while he is still asleep.

The reason I wanted to know what people thought was because parenting “adult children” is a constant balancing act, treading a fine line between giving them the full autonomy they claim they deserve, and knowing when to step in and treat them like a child again. I often read on MN that we should allow our teens to make mistakes, so they learn from them, rather than preventing the adverse outcomes ourselves, so they never learn to take responsibility.

OP posts:
NorthFaceofthelaundrypile · 23/08/2025 07:35

In terms of the fine line, you can say that you were ready for the trip to the train station at 6.30, but do not make yourself available for taking them at a later time.

Aliolii · 23/08/2025 07:42

NorthFaceofthelaundrypile · 23/08/2025 07:35

In terms of the fine line, you can say that you were ready for the trip to the train station at 6.30, but do not make yourself available for taking them at a later time.

Yes that’s what I would do! Making him breakfast etc is more than enough. I would just get on with my day now as planned.

bumblebramble · 23/08/2025 07:46

Sympathy op. It is a balancing act at that age.

I was living away from home at 19 and doing all sorts of stupid shit that my dps were blissfully unaware of. Our generation don’t even get that benefit because they ring up and tell all anyway. In my day (old codger alert) we couldn’t afford the phone calls, and there was a bigger psychological barrier between the generations.

I came home after college for a couple of years and it was hard on my dm because now she knew if I hadn’t come home etc. and was worrying about stuff she had been completely oblivious to when I wasn’t in her house.

I think our generation have had a way harder time of parenting than our dps in every way. And it’s unending.

Could you pop in some AirPods and a good audible book or podcast to take your mind off this, and your ears off him, and try and reclaim some of the morning for yourself? What will be will be but you don’t have to lose your good mood and equanimity.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 23/08/2025 07:49

HowManyFilmsCanIWatchInARow · 23/08/2025 04:41

Ah, wake him, you are getting up to take them to the station anyway. We’ve all been young and done stuff like this. I’ve had many times like this in my younger years, had an hours sleep and been up to do something the next day, it’s the advantages of youth, you can do it, even if you feel a bit crap. Help your kids out when you can even when they’re adults. As a pp said, think about why you seem to be so resentful of him having a good time. If he feels like shit tomorrow, it’s his problem and he’ll deal with it.

Agreed. Hangovers don’t hit the same when you’re their age, their behaviour sounds very standard!

Original poster
BerryTwister · 23/08/2025 07:50

I agree @bumblebramble , my Mum was blissfully unaware of my antics. To me, that’s part of being independent - being able to live your life without involving your parents every step of the way.

He’s up now, and his friend is here, and if I don’t drive them to the station then his friend says he’ll drive, and he’ll still be over the limit. So of course the adult has to step in again.

But I draw the line at scrubbing the sick out of his favourite shirt. DS can do that later. And they’re drinking all day today too, which I really don’t like.

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 23/08/2025 07:55

I appreciate this is over now but I’m afraid im going against the general flow of ‘team wake up’. I would have slept without problem and would have set my alarm for the appropriate time for the lift to the station -8am train so say 7:30 lift so for me wake at 7. When I woke if he is not up I would have woken him. If he is not available to go by 7:30 for the lift then I ask him when the
lift needs to be - if no clear answer to leave in the next half hour or so I say no, I'm going back to bed get an uber. You missed your agreed lift.
Then if he leaves really late or doesn’t go I’d make a comment or two later about wasting money on his present.
Basically I’d treat him like an adult I live with - which is what he is.

spoonbillstretford · 23/08/2025 08:04

DD1 is in most ways very sensible and mature for her age at 20, and works so hard. Yet waking up and getting out of bed she really struggles with at times, mostly not alcohol related. Away from home she woke up late and was late for lectures - no doubt getting in trouble because she doesn't do the sort of subject where you can slink in at the back of a large auditorium. Back at home again she has generally been much better at it. But yes, I would wake her for something like this.

GrumblyHedge · 23/08/2025 08:08

Nestingbirds · 23/08/2025 04:31

Why wouldn’t you? He is allowed to have fun, he is only 20..

My teen dd would have 3/4 hours sleep and be fine to go to the event It’s different when you are young.

You sound resentful op, I might look at why you feel that way about him/life.

Edited

You sound resentful op, I might look at why you feel that way about him/life.

You sound goady, I might look at why you feel that way about posters asking for reasonable advice.

lovescats3 · 23/08/2025 08:13

Wake him up

Pluvia · 23/08/2025 08:18

BerryTwister · 23/08/2025 07:50

I agree @bumblebramble , my Mum was blissfully unaware of my antics. To me, that’s part of being independent - being able to live your life without involving your parents every step of the way.

He’s up now, and his friend is here, and if I don’t drive them to the station then his friend says he’ll drive, and he’ll still be over the limit. So of course the adult has to step in again.

But I draw the line at scrubbing the sick out of his favourite shirt. DS can do that later. And they’re drinking all day today too, which I really don’t like.

Totally agree with everything you've written here and in your opener, OP. Can't believe that so many people think his behaviour is acceptable and that you should willingly be his human alarm clock and chauffeur.

When I was growing up, even at 19, I'd have been expected to show more respect for my parents' time and effort. I don't have children but watching others parenting I'm often astonished at how many are running around after them, disdained and being treated like servants, till the offspring are well into their 20s. No wonder that for so many of them the routine of university or work comes as a terrible shock.

I hope you have a great day without him there, and don't you dare clean the shirt he's been sick all over!

CautiousLurker01 · 23/08/2025 08:20

I really hope you woke him up?

Either way you were going to flounce about all day feeling resentful - either because you had to get him up to go or because he didn’t wake up and wasted your money on the trip. I’d rather be resentful while he’s out of the house and going (he’ll sleep on the train and the ability of YP to bounce back after a night on the lash is a borderline superpower).

I say this as a person prone to resentful flouncing…

Mirabai · 23/08/2025 08:20

It’s done now but it wouldn’t have occurred to me to wake him up. He’s an adult and can make his own (sometimes crap) decisions.

He may not have been that bothered about the event. The money’s spent either way.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 23/08/2025 08:23

I could easily have just gotten up and gone out again at his age for the day - did it all
the time 🤣 I couldn’t do it now - Hel probably go and can doze on the train and start drinking again and Hel be fine

ruethewhirl · 23/08/2025 08:25

OP, as the mum of a teen you'll be well aware of how much they flip-flop between childhood and adulthood. Teens are in between those two states. Your annoyance is understandable but at the same time he's only a 'fledgling' adult so to speak, he's at the age of doing irresponsible things, and imo you've done the right thing helping him to not miss his trip. That said, it does sound like he needs to work on personal responsibility in general.