Should I wake DS for his trip?

[BerryTwister]

DS age nearly 20, home from uni for the holidays. He’s going to an event in another city tomorrow with 2 friends, getting a train around 8am. The plan was to have an early night, get up early, I’m driving them to the station.

DS and one of the lads he’s going with ended up going out, they’re still out, clearly clubbing, which means DS won’t get home till gone 5. He has to get up about 6.30.

I’m annoyed as I’ve paid for this event, as a birthday present, and DS has been really looking forward to it, but now he’s going to be hungover and feel like crap all day.

I doubt he’ll have the presence of mind to set his alarm, and his 2 friends are equally hapless. The friend who hasn’t gone out is very laid back and won’t really care what happens.

Should I set my alarm to get up and wake him? Or should I leave him to face the consequences of his actions?

You have done the right thing in getting him up - and not washing up the sick. Tell him you wont be treating him in this way again though.

You could also turn up late to collect them - tell them the time is not convenient and make them wait half an hour.

Tbh I would just be glad that my 19 year old was at uni, working a holiday job, had friends and was out socialising.

i work in healthcare and the amount of late teens/early twenties that I encounter who are on anti depressants and anti anxiety medications is insane. They are in our A+E constantly with chest pains and stomach complaints that are all anxiety driven, stay up all night playing video games and then have to go for surgery for horrendous perianal abscesses. It’s not a pretty sight OP.

No one wants to feel messed about but your kid sounds pretty happy, social, and well adjusted and unfortunately that’s not really the norm amongst his peers these days.

Just look at all the posts on MN with people saying their kids don’t leave their bedrooms for weeks on end and can’t even make a phone call without feigning anxiety.

i can’t believe people saying he’s got a problem with alcohol! Did no one stay in uni halls at 19? Or go on a holiday to magaluf with friends?

Wake him. As much as makes me sick to think of it now, when I was that age I could go out all night and then have an hours sleep before a full shift at work! Chances are , he will feel crappy and start drinking again at the event and be fine!

it’s horrible , I cannot imagine it now - I would need 3-5 business days to recover these days - but at that age it’s different .

You shouldn’t have to get up early to do it , he needs to learn to take responsibility but I still would just to be nice x

Let him pay the uber! Natural consequence of taking the piss with you. A good lesson for teens is to hit them in the pocket. If it costs them money, they'll remember next time.

My 20 year old rolled in at 3am woke us all up and is now getting ready to come to a rave with me her mum 😂

I can understand your worry OP.
He will be feeling very rough for a few days after this!
Hopefully he will learn from it.
Sometimes it takes a few times for them to learn.

I get what you’re saying and like other posters have said you sound quite resentful. You can just wake him up, but don’t have to make him breakfast or drop him off at station.

He’s an adult, he can make choices, just like you can. Don’t make him breakfast and complain about it cos you’re worried he won’t eat. He’s a grown ass man.

Why can’t you just say no when he asks for lifts/food/favours if it impacts your plans/sleep/routine. There’s a place for boundaries and you’re choosing to complain about it rather than making your expectations clear to him. Even if he makes shit choices, they’re his choices to make.

It’s hard at that stage OP, but I do think you need to assert your boundaries and have “the talk” with your DS in a few days time, when this has all cooled down. It’s not fair of him to take advantage of you like that. You have not mentioned a partner, or his DF - who supports you with all this?

I was struck by the fact that DS appeared to have been derailed by his “friend” who sounds like he trampled all over your sons boundaries by persuading him to go out and drink to oblivion, despite today’s plans. The friend was also happy to drive whilst over the drink-drive threshold. What do you think about that? - Maybe that’s something to discuss with your DS too at the right time…

I know. MN sets the bar very, very low when it comes to expectations of behaviour from young adults.

I haven't had children, partly because I could see what a minefield parenting was and how abused many mothers seemed to be by their children and their partners, who all too often opted out of responsibility and discipline. I was aware at quite a young age of how much extra burden my mother carried (even though my father was a hard-working, decent sort of man who did a fair bit) and I vowed never to get into that situation. So I'm an outlier here. But I do, as I say, know people who have managed to maintain boundaries, particularly as their children grew older. They're not hugely strict but very clear about what they expect from their children and what they will and won't offer. They're loving families and really close, but they manage to hold boundaries and their offspring would never dream of treating their mother as your son has treated you. Much easier, as I've said, if there are two of you parenting.

He's 20. Why don't people expect him to know how to set an alarm - or to show gratitude for a gift by actually going to it? Why is it OP's responsibility to set HER alarm to wake him? Treating him like a child and doing all the work for him to be a functional human being is why the question has arisen in the first place.

If he hasn't learned to respectful of other people's time or generosity by now he's been done a misservice. I'm confused as to why so many are suggesting to KEEP babying him??

I agree though that coming in at 5am and having to get up again at 6:30 actually isn't a huge deal, I did it many times.

Not sure why you are being spiteful towards your 20 year old. Never really understand why people act like this. Show him some kindness and he might still bother with you when you are old and frail

@BerryTwister, for future occasions, I would invest in a noisy alarm clock (do they still make Baby Bens? That has to be the noisiest one ever). Then when something like this happens again, set the alarm while he's out and put it somewhere in the bedroom that means he will have to get out of bed to turn it off (I might be inclined to hide the thing, but then I'm evil). Then go to sleep and don't worry about him getting up in the morning. At least he will be awake enough to decide what to do.

I might suggest too, that any involvement you have in his plans (making breakfast etc) are negated by a sudden decision to have a night on the tiles, because said plans are subject to last minute changes which are not fair on you. He's old enough to feed himself and if he really needs that lift, he can approach you about it in the morning when he's sorted himself out. Just have a chat about expectations so that in future, you both know where you stand.

I understand we only have the information the OP gives us but some people go so far as to think this one incident sums up their entire lives. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to be concerned that their money on a treat could potentially go to waste or not be enjoyed as much as could have. It doesn’t mean they’re a resentful person. And 19/20 is an adult. They don’t have to be constantly supervised.

Maybe at the very least you should have bothered to read the OP's posts before posting this pleasantry 5 pages in.

Wake him up. He won’t feel 100% but he’s young and will cope with lack of sleep. We all did it!

Wake him up, as loudly and rumbustiously as possible!

Op is taking him to the station! She’s up anyway. It won’t be wasted if she wakes him up! I used to go clubbing and go to work on an hours sleep. It’s really not that deep!

@Cakeandcardio spiteful? Yes I expressed my disappointment and frustration that he’d chosen to drink for 12 hours yesterday when he was planning an early night for an event he’d been looking forward to…..but I also got up early, made him breakfast, drove him and his friends to the station, paid for their match tickets, and I’ll be picking them up at an as-yet undetermined time, by which time they’ll be wasted again. What part of that is spiteful?

Bit lazy around the house

Because he's had no expectations to do better

even though it meant me getting up early on one of my few lie-in days.

Did he ask? Or just assume? If he asked and you agreed that's on you. If he just assumed and you did it anyway then that's on you.

And yet we still have to catch them when they fall

Not when the 'fall' is self-inflicted. And 'catching' them doesn't mean doing everything for them like an infant.

so can you hurry up and iron my shirt”

No no nope. Surely he knows where the iron is? When did you become his servant?

guess who’s picking them up later at an, as yet, unknown time……

Well, again, that's up to you. You. It's not mandatory.

My thoughts exactly, yes as parents we worry about our children and the choices they make but this mother would have a heart attack if she knew how my friends and I spent out free time at that age. Going out for a couple & that turning into night clubbing is really typical behaviour imo.... If anything she should be annoyed at herself for being such a pushover, I'd have made him get up, dropped him off and told him they can make their own way back!
Be relieved he's out enjoying himself, being social and making memories.

I’m really grateful to everyone who has posted here. It’s interesting the different views on parenting. Some people have told me I’m being harsh, others have said I’m being soft. Anyway, DS got his train, and we were perfectly civil to each other. I’m sure he thinks I’m excessively puritanical about weekend piss-ups, and I think he’s being selfish and irresponsible. But we generally have a good relationship, he’s pleasant company most of the time, and I’m his go-to person for everything important. He has no Dad so it’s just me and his younger brother. Hopefully this is a phase that he’ll grow out of in a few years.

Yes, quite. "I just can't imagine why my child is so thoughtless and unable to do anything? I made sure lay out his pants the day before and I've brushed his teeth for him already so he should be ready to go. His wife didn't wake him for work the other day and his boss told him off so I guess I'll go to his work for him and then come home to make the dinner. Mine goes cold while I spoon feed him but really, what can you do? It's such a tricky phase, this grown adult bit - they need so much care".

I think you’ve been perfectly reasonable Op, hope your son and his friends have a good day. Just to say they shouldn’t drink loads before the game, if they look absolutely drunk they won’t get in .

Heavens. Some consequences.