Should I wake DS for his trip?

[BerryTwister]

DS age nearly 20, home from uni for the holidays. He’s going to an event in another city tomorrow with 2 friends, getting a train around 8am. The plan was to have an early night, get up early, I’m driving them to the station.

DS and one of the lads he’s going with ended up going out, they’re still out, clearly clubbing, which means DS won’t get home till gone 5. He has to get up about 6.30.

I’m annoyed as I’ve paid for this event, as a birthday present, and DS has been really looking forward to it, but now he’s going to be hungover and feel like crap all day.

I doubt he’ll have the presence of mind to set his alarm, and his 2 friends are equally hapless. The friend who hasn’t gone out is very laid back and won’t really care what happens.

Should I set my alarm to get up and wake him? Or should I leave him to face the consequences of his actions?

Whatever the outcome , this is a really interesting discussion on how we parent young adults .
My family are lovely people who work hard outside of the home . But there’s some buts!
I still haven’t worked out where I draw the line between parenting and adults . And how I manage my own instincts and feelings .
I have empathy OP .

Oh the joys of teenagers, hope you get to catch up on sleep now he’s gone. I could never sleep when my teenage DS was out, there was no way I could have got him out of bed 2 hours after he came in drunk, no alarm would get him up, I wouldn’t see him all the next day.

I would have woken him up but that would have been it. If he decided not to get up and get a later train, then so what? That's his choice and him and his mates can sort that out between them.

If I was home and available when they wanted a lift to the station (even if it was later than planned), I would give them one. But I wouldn't change my plans to be available.

If he ended up not going at all, I would be annoyed about that if I had paid for it as you have, but being late / hungover isn't too much of a big deal.

Absolutely. Crazy.

So you didn't even need to wake him up after all that, he and his friend were both awake anyway?

I assume there is a lot more to this story and you have a complicated relationship?

Because Most people would roll their eyes and wake their partying child! I know he is a grown man, but he is twenty, not forty. And you aren’t his long suffering wife😊

He’s having fun don’t let him take the mess but help him where you can. This isn’t that deep.

So one of the friends was willing to drive but be over the limit. I would be chatting to DC about never accepting lifts in those circumstances.

Is DS normally respectful to you at home? It is hard when they can do what they like at uni then come home and have to fit back into family life.

Seen your update - people asking why the post/why the AIBU but I understand the need for a virtual primal scream that these sorts of posts offer. Before covid/when kids were younger I had loads of mum friends I’d text/whatsapp to vent. Now that my kids are 17/20 that space doesn’t really exists any more and sometimes you just want someone to say yes DS/DD is being a plonker (understandable though that may be given their age)and yes they understand why you are feeling peeved.

Sending a virtual hug to any mum slamming kitchen cupboard doors in frustration and feeling unseen and unappreciated this morning (that was me yesterday afternoon… supposed to have been a day out at Ikea stocking up for university in 4 weeks, but DC gamed all night and slept all day… and i couldn’t even have a gin n tonic as youngest needed mummyubering to his GF - and no, he couldn’t get there under his own steam as her parents thought buying a cheap but lovely executive home on a new estate in the arse end of nowhere with no public transport links was a great idea… )

Ah OP, I think the frustration comes from
the fact that at that age they’re always insisting they’re independent and don’t want you involved and then they do something like this which shows that they’re not quite operating as an adult yet! Honestly it’s just part of being 19/20 for most of them anyway. My DS aged about 20 once got up ten minutes before the taxi was due to arrive to pick us up for the airport. I was really cross and had already banged on his door and called out that if he wasn’t ready to go when we were I really would go without him. He appeared at the bottom of the stairs having thrown on some clothes and brushed his teeth, complete with suitcase, asking what all the fuss was 🤣. Most of the time they pull it out of the bag and occasionally they don’t. As another PP has said they’re in the gap between adult and child and behaviour-wise you will get a bit of both.

My DS is now 28, married and owns his own home and could not be more organised and sensible (or concerned not to impose on others). Your DS will be too soon enough, and you will laugh about this in a couple of years’ time.

I always have an internal fight with this things. My rational self tells me not to do a thing they are adults is not my business if they screw it, but my caring self would wake him up because I would like him to go and enjoy it.

Well hopefully they're on their way. It is difficult parenting young adults, you want them to do things for themselves and not baby them but at the same time it's difficult to not worry. That worry never goes away.

At that age they don't get hangovers or just small ones, can survive on little or no sleep. I use to be able to go to a nightclub get food after then home get changed and go to work 😂 actually I had great stamina right up until my early 30s.

When mine go out I just try not worry and if they've somewhere to be I do always make sure that they're up and out when they're supposed to be, no harm giving a little helping hand, it's the best years of their lives love seeing young adults enjoying themselves,

Sounds like a complicated relationship OP but I’m wondering why you ‘prepared the breakfast he asked for’? No wonder you feel resentful. He’s away at university so obviously able to survive quite well and find breakfast for himself. I would be happy to give a lift etc if it didn’t inconvenience me but I would definitely not be paying for his days out. People often don’t value what they don’t pay for. If he wants to do something, let him find the money. If he doesn’t find the money then he doesn’t really want to do it (or he needs to find a job).

@ThereMustBeReason this is Chat, not AIBU. And when I originally posted, he wasn’t actually home, so I wasn’t wondering if I should wake him at that moment.

Wake him, then go back to bed. daft question

I wouldn't be preparing breakfast (well, maybe if asked very nicely I suppose) but the being out late then it all being last minute and him being hungover wouldn't really bother me as they do bounce back.

However, sick all over himself and presumably happy to get in a car with someone who'd been drinking all night - no. This would bother me greatly and we would be having a serious conversation about it after today's event. However, what that would achieve I have no idea because really he ought to know better by his age, at least about drink-driving.

Let him get a taxi to the station...

I'm really cruel, I'd wake him up by banging 2 saucepans together 😂🤣 at least if he's got a hangover and dosnt go you can laugh about it after.

Oh I would wake him. And laugh at the state he was in while telling him to get his ass out of bed and get ready.

Ive done this! Not recently but back in my youth. We all think we are super heros at thst age. Its part of being young. He will laugh when hes a bit older about it

"Remember that time we went to X after partying all night and having 2 hours sleep?!"

Hes young. We were all young once

I made pancakes because I wanted him to have a good breakfast before a big day out drinking at the football. And he loves pancakes.

When he’s sober he’s sensible. Bit lazy around the house, but generally polite and pleasant, he’s worked hard at his holiday job, and is ready to knuckle down for his final year at uni.

But when he’s drunk he’s irrational. He said multiple times he was going to have a quiet night last night, because he didn’t want to spoil today. He and his friends insisted on booking an early train, even though it meant me getting up early on one of my few lie-in days.

I admit I was angry. I’d facilitated the plans, paid for the tickets, made the pancake mix. But then he had a couple of beers and suddenly he’s going clubbing and out all night. Not only did this mean I couldn’t sleep (yes I know we’re meant to just go to sleep when they’re out, but I find it hard), but I knew I still had to get up early and be ready to do lifts.

So my original question was - having fulfilled my part of the bargain, despite it being inconvenient for me - should I be his safety net when he’d decided to change everything at the last minute? Anyone who has had older teens will be familiar with being told to back off because they’re adults now. And yet we still have to catch them when they fall. And when the fall is due to an unplanned piss-up, I find it a bit annoying.

It’s like the typical teen thing - “mum I’m adult now, you can’t tell me what to do, I can go where I want, so can you hurry up and iron my shirt”.

Anyway he’s on the train now, and guess who’s picking them up later at an, as yet, unknown time……

Can’t they get an uber back home later?

@missrabbit1990 thank you for that insightful post. You managed to show you’d not read the thread, and insult me, all in 9 words.

If he gets back at 5 what makes you think he is gonna sleep?

Also maybe they just crashed somewhere else.

Also you gave him a gift, you cannot be mad at and dictate how he uses and ENJOYS it (which is entirely made up in your head as it hasn't even happened yet), thats insanely controlling.

Set his alarm?

It’s a reasonable distance and would cost about £50.