I have a ‘good’ life but I’m so miserable.

[Losingatlife]

From the outside looking in, many people would likely be jealous of my life. I look happy, always smiling and laughing around other people, being the life and soul of the party, the one who everyone else comes to for advice, always up for a laugh will say yes to pretty much any social outing, help out family and friends whenever needed etc.

Inside I am absolutely drowning.

I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me, he’s amazing in bed, works hard, pays all the bills, gives me everything I want or need and also our children (three young adults). We drive decent cars, have multiple holidays per year, eat out/takeaways often, lots of social gatherings etc. Everything that ‘looks’ happy on the outside.

Inside I am so miserable.

I haven’t been attracted to him or in love with him for years, to be honest not sure if I ever have been truly. I was young and inexperienced at life when we met, and just out of an abusive relationship, he was older, ready to settle down, at the time I felt I hit the jackpot. But I never felt fulfilled or like I’d found my true love.

We’ve had many ups and downs and even a trial separation in the past, but got back together. It was just easier. I always told myself when the kids all reached 18 I would leave. We’re past that now.

A couple of years ago I engaged in some flirty chat with a married guy I knew. After a row with my partner one night, we started an affair that lasted 2 years. It took me out of everyday life, gave me the excitement and passion I craved. I did end it multiple times but we always ended up back together. We started to get feelings for each other but turned out he’s an avoidant so pushed me away after finally telling me he loved me. I knew he was never going to commit anyway as he also has the ‘perfect’ life, looks amazing from the outside, such a family man and all that. It never would have worked, let’s be honest it rarely does.

The crazy thing is that my partner found out about the affair time and time again (this is when I would end it). He begged me not to see him but he never left me over it. Even when I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop seeing other man. I suggested splitting/moving out but he said he has nothing without me and doesn’t want to lose me. So I always felt guilted in to staying/ felt like I was doing him a favor. But every time he found out, he was heartbroken all over again. I can’t cope with other people emotions so I refuse to talk about it which I know is selfish and I tell him all the time to leave me or I will leave him but he begs. I’ve said he can find someone better, who treats him right. I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean, he doesn’t want anyone else and he still begs me not to go.

During one of the break ups with other man I got quite depressed, didn’t eat or sleep just drank alcohol and didn’t go to work. They put me on sick but I never returned, I was too ashamed. Now I have barely any money (just some from bits of freelance work) and have wracked up credit cards as although finances are joint with my partner, and he will provide whatever I want or need, I refuse to use the joint account knowing what I’ve put him through, and also as I can no longer afford to contribute. So I’m currently thousands in debt with barely any income. My anxiety is also causing me issues in getting another job now, before this I had regained so much confidence and was in a good place.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now and I can’t afford to move out. All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

I feel so low and miserable, and can’t figure a way out. He still wants sex all the times with me and I don’t at all so I avoid it anyway I can without trying to be mean. The worst thing is, I’m in no contact with other man, but if he messaged me I would go running back, because I’m so bored of life - and I hate myself for that.

Not sure what I’m posting for, just to get it all out. I don’t know where to go from here I feel so trapped. So lost and like there’s no purpose in life any more, now the kids fend for themselves, no job, no money, empty ambitions.

Also let this be a reminder, what you see on Instagram or from the outside, is not always a true reflection of people’s lives. No one I know would guess I’m feeling this way, or that this is my real life.

What a waste of a life and how miserable this all sounds. But you’re being unfathomably cruel to DH. You are pushing him and pushing him with horrible behaviour, almost taunting him to get him to end it. Why* won’t YOU?*

You’re not trapped. You have done this to yourself. You have cut off all your independence over the years and now you’re saying you’re trapped in your gilded cage.

Honestly, what I think you are is self-destructive.

Perhaps you don’t feel you deserve more after your affair. Or perhaps it goes further back. But it looks to me like you’re pushing every self-destruct button you can find. Alcohol, affair, debt…

I feel for you as it must be awful to be so miserable. But it’s not fair to taunt DH while you take yourself down.

I don’t have any answers. Exactly maybe to examine why this ‘perfect life’ isn’t enough for you - or why you won’t let it be enough.

The way you end it is too leave. If you care so much about your husband and his feelings then get the fuck away from him. He might be devastated at first but he'd soon come to see he's dodged one hell of a selfish, cruel bullet. Your post reads like you think you deserve sympathy, but surely you can see that you deserve absolutely zero. I hope if you won't do the right thing and leave that your husband finally has enough and kicks you out on your arse. I feel sorry for him that he begs you to stay even though you're trampling his heart again and again

Some counselling may help you unpick your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. It does sound very self destructive and like you don’t feel worthy of love, stability, happiness, security? You need to address your issues otherwise in a few years time you will feel more trapped or have hurt those who love you even more. It may be scary but you need to do the right thing, the hard thing. There’s support out there but you need to be brave. Posting here is a start, you clearly want things to be different. They can be, with work.

I do think you’ve hit the nail on the head.
I am self-destructive and definitely feel like I’m wasting my life. I’m not living as such just existing. And I’m not blaming anyone but myself for the situation I am in right now. I take full responsibility.
You’re right, I don’t feel worthy of the good man I have, I never have done. He begs me to be happy with him but it’s like I don’t want to be, won’t allow myself to be.
Im Trying not to drag him down but he won’t accept it when I say it’s over.

I have tried to leave, but with no income I’m struggling. He says he will leave if it’s what I really want but then he never does. I agree I’m an awful person and I’ve pleaded with him to move on and find someone who can treat him better. He won’t. He is so demented in the fact that we can make it work and be together forever. I’ve told him I believe he’s just worried of being alone etc. and will move on eventually but he doesn’t agree, said he will never want any one again. I feel so sad as I do want him to be happy.

We have been really good in the past but still something has always felt missing. Like I just settled. That’s not his fault though.
I think I just feel like I missed out on ‘growing up’, missed out my young adult fun life etc. I had kids with him very young and only after less than a year. So I don’t feel like I’ve experienced enough for this to be the rest of my life if that makes sense.
I have also told him this - I’ve been totally honest about my feelings but he refuses to accept it.

Thank you. I do want my life to be different, and his also. I don’t want to feel miserable day in and day out, whilst having no one to talk to because everyone thinks my life is great so I’ll come across as being unappreciative or as a moaner!
I have been on medication for depression and anxiety a couple of times in the past, but I end up stopping as I never feel much different even when changing meds. Seems like a waste of money.
Over all the years and different Drs they have never offered me counselling, just sent me links for websites or gave medication and I can’t afford it privately.

@op (I’ve changed my name for this)

I was in a similar situation. Was married, not entirely contentedly, to someone kind, decent, honourable and faithful. He put up with me for many many years, although I didn’t have affairs. But I felt there was something missing. There was a big age gap which I think widened as time went on. He was always a big drinker and v slightly controlling in a way that’s hard to articulate because it was so subtle.

I decided I wanted to live with more integrity. I felt it was dishonest to stay with him. The years were rushing past and being right on the brink of menopause surely didn’t help. Despicably, I was aware of his drinking and frightened of being his career. I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD, too, but that’s just making excuses (I had a very difficult childhood).

So I decided to end the marriage. I was in fear of being like my father, who has affairs in plain sight, but his dull little wife (not my mother) seems not to notice because she rarely goes anywhere and has no real social scene.

The break up was a mess. I handled it badly. So did he. Shortly afterwards he died from TIA-related complications. He drank himself to the grave, and I totally blame myself.

Now that it’s too late, I realise how amazing he was and how I did, in fact, truly love him. But weirdly, at the time, I felt convinced that parting was The Thing To Do - that I’d be okay on my own. I often felt as though he didn’t truly love me, but now, with hindsight, it’s obvious that he did. I don’t think I fully grasped this when he was alive.

So the point of this is to say, be very careful what you wish for. The saying ‘never change horses in midstream’ is a wise one. Thr grass always looks greener but rarely is.

Leaving my husband was a hideous mistake, but at the same time I realise I wasn’t truly fulfilled or content. I think now that this was probably psychological damage from childhood rather than anything to do with him. Still, I often felt lonely.

But that loneliness was nothing compared to how I feel now. I can barely live with myself.

Take care of yourselves.

Do you have your own money or is it your husbands money you live on? Just trying to work out why you say you can't afford to leave. If it was me and I had no money then I'd leave and apply for UC until I could get a job. Honestly the best thing you could do is leave and like I said, of course he'd be devastated at first but he would move on eventually. Is it that the way he feels about you makes you feel suffocated? He does sound a bit full on but then he's obviously loved you all these years even knowing you didn't feel the same. Is he just scared to be alone and scared of losing the comfortableness of a relationship that's all he's known really?

That’s so sad. I hope you take good care of yourself

Oh wow. Thank you for your post it is somewhat of an eye opener, and I’m sorry you’re living with that guilt and regret. You can’t control other peoples actions and decisions though and your husband himself chose to drink in excess, you can’t blame yourself.

I also think I have a lot of childhood issues perhaps undiagnosed ADHD as well but don’t want to use excuses. I was a horrible child for sure and I have been a nightmare to be with in a relationship I do know that and so does he but for some reason he stuck around. I’ve often wondered if he just wanted to save me from myself.

There Is a big age gap here also and I think that has become more aware to me over time, when younger it felt exciting but now I want to have fun and whilst he will go along with that, he’s also more than happy to settle down entirely in an almost ‘retirement lifestyle’. Which I’m not ready for yet! I’m early 40s he’s early 60s. I feel like my life should just be beginning not slowing down. He tries to keep up with me but I always want more.

Theres nothing really bad I can say about him except maybe he can be a little jealous at times but not controlling, can get a little too flirty when drunk but doesn’t get paralytic drunk or anything, but since finding out about other man he’s very understandably paranoid, and I can’t cope with that side of him. He says he trusts me but then follows me, checks my phone etc - another reason I’ve told him it needs to end, it’s not good for either of us.

But like you I think my biggest fear is realising I could walk away from this good man, this good life and end up way way worse off. But is it fair on either of us for me to stay when I’m not content, will always want something different, can’t even bring myself to be intimate with him?

I’ve told him that my head has been turned and there must be a reason for that. He doesn’t want to listen to what I’m saying. He cries and begs and then we end up back to ‘normal’ then the cycle repeats.

What do you actually enjoy - what interests you and captures your attention? I don't mean relationships or sex or romance of any kind. I mean, what makes you feel good about yourself when you achieve it, or do it?

It sounds to me like your life has no purpose; the kids are grown, the marriage is just a background and you have your middle and old age stretching ahead of you aimlessly and emptily. So I would try to work out what would fill that space and engage your mind and interest, and make you feel that you have value and worth.

I love my husband enormously, but for me, kids and a role that engages my interests and my mind and my education to fit around the kids is key. Especially as one day, the kids won't need me.

You have ended up with a life revolving around your relationship, so that relationship has too much weight to carry IMO. You need to find something that gives you satisfaction on a personal and cognitive and human level that doesn't end up being just who you are romantically connected to, I think.

We all need a purpose and for most of us, no matter how happily married, a relationship isn't enough. I think you're distracting yourself with emotional drama instead of working out what talents and abilities and efforts you could make that would give you a sense that you're worth something.

I’m amazed he is still by your side to be honest. If the roles were reversed I expect the advice would be different.

You need to take control of your own life and set your ‘D’H free. He clearly isn’t going to finish things and I think you are being incredibly cruel to him.

Definitely get some counselling and look into how you can financially support yourself to leave.

I could have written your post myself - particularly the last two paragraphs. I know that if I’d stayed, I’d be thrashing about inwardly, feeling life was rushing past, not being fully happy.

But who is ever ‘fully happy’?

Being ‘quite happy now and again’ has to count for something.

My regret if I’m honest is only to some extent the decision to part. Yes, I do regret that. The bigger regret is mishandling it (which we both did).

A lot of advice on Mumsnet is to LTB, you only live once, don’t settle, etc. Perhaps I should have listened more carefully to the ‘stay put’ brigade? (Fwiw I didn’t post for advice here)

It’s an awful predicament to be in. I’m very sympathetic. I hated the feeling that I was stuck. Hated it! Now, theoretically, I could travel, move across the country, meet someone new, but all I want is my husband back tbh,

We live pretty much on just his income now. I had my own up until last year when I hit rock bottom and couldn’t go back to work. Now I do some self employed work which gets me just enough money to cover the payments on my credit cards that I’ve racked up, my phone bill, life insurance, car tax and petrol. He pays everything else.
I have applied for lots of jobs and mostly get rejected as I don’t have experience in much, but even when I did get an interview, I worked myself up into a state too much to attend it, overthinking it, deciding I would never be good enough for it, would fuck it up etc so I drove home. Massive regret, as I had decided that would be my ‘way out’.

My partner is happy for me not to work if that is what I want but I feel like that is because he knows where I am if I am at home (not with other man!). And I WANT to work, I want my independence back, physically and financially.

Yes I do feel suffocated by him at times and again I have told him this. He says he just loves me so much. I have said to him that I think he’s scared of being alone, he said no he’s more than capable of that, but I’m not so sure. He says he loves me unconditionally and will ‘wait’ for me. He has even said in the past that he will die before me (because of age gap) so then I could move on or whatever! But as awful as it sounds I’m not sure I can live what could potentially be another 20/30 years like this! Or in fact die myself before him, unhappy.

I do recognise some of myself in you. I’ve not gone as far as an affair but I have been a total bitch in my relationship now marriage towards my DH who has only ever been supportive and kind and everything else you describe. Looking back now I am embarrassed and ashamed at how I lashed out emotionally and walked out a couple of times. It was never about him. It was my own stress and dislike of myself. Projected onto him.

eta - he could see how much I was hurting and he refused to be pushed away.

I note you came out of an abusive relationship before you got with your DH. Sometimes, life is just - calm. And good. It doesn’t have to be the ups and down or drama or abuse. Don’t go looking for that in affairs and at the bottom of a bottle. You’re worth the calm and worth the love.

I agree with PP that counselling might help. And definitely look for something that makes your soul sing FOR YOU. Nothing to do with your marriage or home life. What would fire YOU up in your own right so that you have a life and energy just for you?

Poor bloke. Your partner sounds like a decent guy whose only mistake was to fall in love with the wrong person. He deserves better. I hope he manages to find the self-respect to dump you and find a partner who loves him back & deserves him.

UnMumsnetty hugs to you @granthamgrizzler, very honest posts tonight x

I love that, you’re right. I’m trying to find a purpose, I’ve joined groups for my hobbies in the hope I will create more passion within myself and it is working to an extent.

I’ve definitely gotten myself into a hole that feels too deep to escape from but I do need to see that there is light! My main focus is trying to get an income as the guilt of having no money and getting further into debt is weighing on me a lot, it stops me from living, as I don’t want to use ‘his’ money to make myself happy while I’m making him miserable if that makes sense, it’s so unfair.

I have been ‘wife and mother’ for pretty much all my adult life and I think this is part of the issue, I now want to be ME.

This. The miserable life is caused by you. Any thoughts to your affair partners family, or are you the only poor victim in this. Get a job, any job. Stand on your own two feet like an adult rather than a leech who hates and behaves appallingly.

I’ll have your husband instead !

I know. I sometimes think I am just tying to push him to leave me, because I am too coward to do it myself. But as you said doesn’t seem like he is going to. Is he not also being cruel to me though by effectively guilting me into staying? I don’t know maybe that’s a selfish way of viewing it.

Its a very selfish, poor me viewpoint!! Woman up!! How do you think you'll manage as an adult?

Everything you say hits home.
I'm sorry you’ve been through this and I hope you find happiness in the future.

Yes we are generally happy, when we’re off doing things. But when we’re home alone that’s when it hits, that I can’t imagine another 20+ years feeling this way. But like you say, would I be any happier on my own? Probably not. He is my best friend but I don’t feel the way I should in relationship terms.

I hope you find a job and can start thinking about your future.

No, I don’t think he is being cruel but perhaps if he was you might have a bit of fire under you to leave him.

If you told you 2 years left to live. Would that change your view?

Stop posting on Instagram then