I have a ‘good’ life but I’m so miserable.

[Losingatlife]

From the outside looking in, many people would likely be jealous of my life. I look happy, always smiling and laughing around other people, being the life and soul of the party, the one who everyone else comes to for advice, always up for a laugh will say yes to pretty much any social outing, help out family and friends whenever needed etc.

Inside I am absolutely drowning.

I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me, he’s amazing in bed, works hard, pays all the bills, gives me everything I want or need and also our children (three young adults). We drive decent cars, have multiple holidays per year, eat out/takeaways often, lots of social gatherings etc. Everything that ‘looks’ happy on the outside.

Inside I am so miserable.

I haven’t been attracted to him or in love with him for years, to be honest not sure if I ever have been truly. I was young and inexperienced at life when we met, and just out of an abusive relationship, he was older, ready to settle down, at the time I felt I hit the jackpot. But I never felt fulfilled or like I’d found my true love.

We’ve had many ups and downs and even a trial separation in the past, but got back together. It was just easier. I always told myself when the kids all reached 18 I would leave. We’re past that now.

A couple of years ago I engaged in some flirty chat with a married guy I knew. After a row with my partner one night, we started an affair that lasted 2 years. It took me out of everyday life, gave me the excitement and passion I craved. I did end it multiple times but we always ended up back together. We started to get feelings for each other but turned out he’s an avoidant so pushed me away after finally telling me he loved me. I knew he was never going to commit anyway as he also has the ‘perfect’ life, looks amazing from the outside, such a family man and all that. It never would have worked, let’s be honest it rarely does.

The crazy thing is that my partner found out about the affair time and time again (this is when I would end it). He begged me not to see him but he never left me over it. Even when I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop seeing other man. I suggested splitting/moving out but he said he has nothing without me and doesn’t want to lose me. So I always felt guilted in to staying/ felt like I was doing him a favor. But every time he found out, he was heartbroken all over again. I can’t cope with other people emotions so I refuse to talk about it which I know is selfish and I tell him all the time to leave me or I will leave him but he begs. I’ve said he can find someone better, who treats him right. I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean, he doesn’t want anyone else and he still begs me not to go.

During one of the break ups with other man I got quite depressed, didn’t eat or sleep just drank alcohol and didn’t go to work. They put me on sick but I never returned, I was too ashamed. Now I have barely any money (just some from bits of freelance work) and have wracked up credit cards as although finances are joint with my partner, and he will provide whatever I want or need, I refuse to use the joint account knowing what I’ve put him through, and also as I can no longer afford to contribute. So I’m currently thousands in debt with barely any income. My anxiety is also causing me issues in getting another job now, before this I had regained so much confidence and was in a good place.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now and I can’t afford to move out. All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

I feel so low and miserable, and can’t figure a way out. He still wants sex all the times with me and I don’t at all so I avoid it anyway I can without trying to be mean. The worst thing is, I’m in no contact with other man, but if he messaged me I would go running back, because I’m so bored of life - and I hate myself for that.

Not sure what I’m posting for, just to get it all out. I don’t know where to go from here I feel so trapped. So lost and like there’s no purpose in life any more, now the kids fend for themselves, no job, no money, empty ambitions.

Also let this be a reminder, what you see on Instagram or from the outside, is not always a true reflection of people’s lives. No one I know would guess I’m feeling this way, or that this is my real life.

Nothing at all. But I wouldn’t go for it anyway it was my decision not to get married or go on the mortgage. I think deep down I knew we wouldn’t be together forever so I didn’t want those ties.

You really do sound desperate to be the victim here saying stuff like this.

Did you, do you have mental capacity?
Are you a vulnerable person who would be unable to safeguard yourself?

Jesus christ and you had your first at 21 when he was 41? Sorry but if you had been my daughter I would have firmly been of the opinion that you were taken advantage of. Does he know you avoid having sex with him but still tries to get his leg over?

No wonder you are miserable, at 20 I definitely thought 40yr old men were old. Leave OP, nothing is stopping you.

Exactly, it’s so so hard to leave a good man. Everyone wanders why on earth you would when you have everything, life is perfect, etc etc - that’s the point of my post - something is missing and I don’t want to settle when one or both of us could be truly happy elsewhere. Then again, one or both of us could be way worse off. And that’s the predicament.

Presumably he loves you so is willing to tolerate a lot. And of course you’re shared history, which he could probably never replicate with anyone else (20 years, plus kids together). That stuff means a huge amount to some people. So he’s unwise perhaps, stupid even. But there’s his reasoning, and it’s logical in a way, even if very flawed. What’s yours? It sounds like it’s just your lack of “safety net”? Why not just leave and when things have cooled as him for a small but significant sum to get you back on your feet (which you’d probably be entitled to if you went through the courts, given you raised your kids etc, despite not actually being married).

This thread is bonkers.
A cocklodger bloke on here who had a 2 year affair and admits they're only there for the funded not having to work lifestyle wouldn't be told they were the victim and have all the '"poor you!!'' Victim platitudes!

I was a horrible child for sure

That's where I would start you off – when/where/how did you develop this belief, because it informs everything you think about yourself.

When did I admit that? So far off the mark, clearly haven’t read all my posts.

You can’t leave him without somewhere to live. To get somewhere you live you need regular full time employment. You need to get a job asap or you really are stuck forever.

Perhaps if you can get to the point where you have a choice, you’ll choose to stay. Or go. But for the next 6 months I would make the most of the relationship and concentrate on finding full time employment.

That’s not “ties”, that’s money in your pocket that you should have a right to in event of divorce or other unforeseen events. Your decision was really poor. I suggest you get serious advice from friend/family before making any further big decisions.

Struggling to keep up with all the posts didn’t expect so many within such a short time but I do appreciate every single one. I will come back tomorrow to catch up.

I honestly don’t see the predicament, you ended up with a kid and an old man barely out of your teens. You did miss out. Get a job sorted, clear your debts and just leave. I don’t think good men shack up with women young enough to be their daughter when she’s barely out of her teens. I get why he liked the idea, but not a good man. OP you do need to get out of the passive mindset you have. It’s like he’s your dad, bailing you out.

Flame me as much as you want anyone, I don’t care.

I agree with this and was going to post something similar when I read your OP.

Also consider you may be slightly addicted to the drama of it all, perhaps you are getting a dopamine kick out of it. I actually think you need some therapy.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now

Get out of the relationship.

Your partner deserves better. He should have left when he first found out about the affair.

You also deserve better. (Not a better partner, but a better life). If you have been unhappy and out of love all these years then you truly deserve to leave this relationship and start living how you want to.

Only you can make this change.

@Losingatlife you are not happy married so you need to leave . The marriage made you unhappy and now the guilt.
start focusing on one thing at a time .
A job
Then divorce, and you will have 50/50 from that .
It all seems massively daunting as it’s all you have knew for years but you can do it .
Get your self smartened up and job hunting.

And there’s literally no job that you’re qualified to do? 🤔🤔 Maybe consider lowering your standards in the job market somewhat?

This. Interesting that you can't get a job as he doesn't want you to be out and away but yet
I’m trying to find a purpose, I’ve joined groups for my hobbies in the hope I will create more passion within myself and it is working to an extent.

So he's all good about your doing hobby groups, but not working?

You need therapy - I actually see quite an abusive trapped relationship where a 20 year old has been made to never feel good enough for anything other than to be second to a good man who isn’t such a good man.

yiu are trapped set yourself free

@Losingatlife To be blunt OP, this is nothing else than a lack of maturity on your side.

You stated yourself that your man is a very good person, and that's not enough for you. That sounds like you never moved on from your late teens and early 20s, which is the stage of our lives when we have big and unrealistic dreams. Once we grow up, we learn to be thankful for what we have and we develop morals and values.

When you were young, you were probably attracted to the wrong type of people, and it sounds like you have never moved on from that. Many people would love to have a partner who is kind and caring, and yet, you can't settle for this because the teenager in you wants something else instead.

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if I’m repeating what others have said.
My first impression from your post is that you are looking for something but you don’t know what it is. The life you describe is one that can provide a level of contentment but you are seeing it as empty. I think you’re looking to other relationships/sex to fill a void but you need to take steps to fill the void yourself.

If you have not already explored it, I think you should try therapy, to understand this relationship, the one before with someone who was abusive and the childhood issues you mentioned. It sounds like you feel you don’t deserve all the good things in your life. Maybe some of that is a remnant of impact of the abusive relationship/childhood.

You also mentioned possible undiagnosed adhd- you could take steps to get a diagnosis.

The life you described also sounded a little empty in some way. You described your relationship, life and soul of the party, having a laugh, giving advice to those who need it, but there was no sense of who YOU are. Did your job give you purpose? Was it interesting/challenging? Are there courses you could do to learn something new/enhance your job prospects? Could you start a small business? Could you plan a trip new somewhere to explore? You say you are bored with your life but there are many things you could do to improve it. No other person can give your life meaning, you need to find/create that yourself. Best wishes.

I think you are scared of leaving because you are basically co-dependent on him, definitely financially dependent.

Probably partly why he chose you too, young, easy to influence whilst not looking like a total prick, you were probably relieved you had someone looking after you and you didn’t have to worry.

I think you are probably both more messed up than you realise. Theres a lot of “he’s a really good man” but you are regularly having sex you don’t want, I think someone knows when the other person isn’t into it.

No flaming from me. She is pining for her 20 year old self who had choices. What she doesn’t have is a time machine. She wasn’t trapped at 20; she probably is now. IF she wants to maintain the same standard of living. It’s a trap of her own making.