I have a ‘good’ life but I’m so miserable.

[Losingatlife]

From the outside looking in, many people would likely be jealous of my life. I look happy, always smiling and laughing around other people, being the life and soul of the party, the one who everyone else comes to for advice, always up for a laugh will say yes to pretty much any social outing, help out family and friends whenever needed etc.

Inside I am absolutely drowning.

I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me, he’s amazing in bed, works hard, pays all the bills, gives me everything I want or need and also our children (three young adults). We drive decent cars, have multiple holidays per year, eat out/takeaways often, lots of social gatherings etc. Everything that ‘looks’ happy on the outside.

Inside I am so miserable.

I haven’t been attracted to him or in love with him for years, to be honest not sure if I ever have been truly. I was young and inexperienced at life when we met, and just out of an abusive relationship, he was older, ready to settle down, at the time I felt I hit the jackpot. But I never felt fulfilled or like I’d found my true love.

We’ve had many ups and downs and even a trial separation in the past, but got back together. It was just easier. I always told myself when the kids all reached 18 I would leave. We’re past that now.

A couple of years ago I engaged in some flirty chat with a married guy I knew. After a row with my partner one night, we started an affair that lasted 2 years. It took me out of everyday life, gave me the excitement and passion I craved. I did end it multiple times but we always ended up back together. We started to get feelings for each other but turned out he’s an avoidant so pushed me away after finally telling me he loved me. I knew he was never going to commit anyway as he also has the ‘perfect’ life, looks amazing from the outside, such a family man and all that. It never would have worked, let’s be honest it rarely does.

The crazy thing is that my partner found out about the affair time and time again (this is when I would end it). He begged me not to see him but he never left me over it. Even when I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop seeing other man. I suggested splitting/moving out but he said he has nothing without me and doesn’t want to lose me. So I always felt guilted in to staying/ felt like I was doing him a favor. But every time he found out, he was heartbroken all over again. I can’t cope with other people emotions so I refuse to talk about it which I know is selfish and I tell him all the time to leave me or I will leave him but he begs. I’ve said he can find someone better, who treats him right. I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean, he doesn’t want anyone else and he still begs me not to go.

During one of the break ups with other man I got quite depressed, didn’t eat or sleep just drank alcohol and didn’t go to work. They put me on sick but I never returned, I was too ashamed. Now I have barely any money (just some from bits of freelance work) and have wracked up credit cards as although finances are joint with my partner, and he will provide whatever I want or need, I refuse to use the joint account knowing what I’ve put him through, and also as I can no longer afford to contribute. So I’m currently thousands in debt with barely any income. My anxiety is also causing me issues in getting another job now, before this I had regained so much confidence and was in a good place.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now and I can’t afford to move out. All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

I feel so low and miserable, and can’t figure a way out. He still wants sex all the times with me and I don’t at all so I avoid it anyway I can without trying to be mean. The worst thing is, I’m in no contact with other man, but if he messaged me I would go running back, because I’m so bored of life - and I hate myself for that.

Not sure what I’m posting for, just to get it all out. I don’t know where to go from here I feel so trapped. So lost and like there’s no purpose in life any more, now the kids fend for themselves, no job, no money, empty ambitions.

Also let this be a reminder, what you see on Instagram or from the outside, is not always a true reflection of people’s lives. No one I know would guess I’m feeling this way, or that this is my real life.

@Mischance am more in disbelief at all her cheerleaders on here who see her as the victim!

So you’d be happy for your child to rock up with someone literally twice their age - your 20 year old son with a 40 year old woman or vice versa?

That wouldn’t cause you to question the motives of that person and why they weren’t focusing on their peers?

So many of you here think I have come on here to play the victim - that’s not true. I know my wrongdoings - I didn’t post them here for sympathy, I posted them here to be raw and honest about how I have treated my partner, and how I am not proud of that. I have felt trapped because no matter what I do he is willing to stay with me, when deep down I know it’s not a good situation. I want him to leave me and find a better person. I am clearly weak and unable to leave him for one reason or another, dependency, financially, morally, whatever but I’ve done bad things in the hope he will see what an awful person I am and move on. He won’t. I don’t know why.

I want to be my own person and I don’t know how to be. Maybe I’m immature, maybe I liked being treated like shit (by other man), maybe I just don’t have the life skills to cope by myself - I don’t know.

Fortunately, my children have turned out pretty great and I often wander how when I’m so awful. But no problems there and that I am thankful for. But it’s not nice living this miserable life day in day out wandering what to do for the best, when everyone else thinks you’re so happy living your best life, but internally you are suffocating. That was the main reason for my post. Don’t believe what you see.

I honestly still don’t know if I will leave, after a lot of advice here it seems I’ll probably end up worse off, financially and with a worse man, so I need to weigh up my options. But if I was offered a no strings attached option of financial security and no man right now I would take it, and that tells me I do need to leave. Easier said than done. But my main priority has to be to get a job and my own income, I know that.

I agree with you looking back it’s not ideal at the least and I wish someone would have warned me. I guess my parents were just glad to be rid of me as a responsibility (they were glad I found someone to look after me, ground me so to say), and I think my friends thought it was just as exciting as I did at the time.
If I could turn back time I would. Not becuase my life has been awful, but becuase it would have been different. If that makes sense. I would have learnt along the way rather than the regrets 20 years later.

Clearly I am not a victim in your eyes. Or my own, if I’m honest. But if I was looking on the outside in on my own life (or someone in my situation back then), I would 100% tell the younger me not to get involved with such an older man.
He has given me a good life, but not the life I should have experienced over time. I’ve not learnt how to deal with my insecurities, I’ve never had to bail myself out, whatever I have wanted I’ve had without working for it directly myself (although I’ve done 99% childcare/housework since I was 20). I guess I’m just pining a life I wish I had, like most. But I wish my life involved a situation where I had to fend to myself, prove my worth, be independent, becuase I’ve never had that. And I guess we all want what we can’t /haven’t had. But if I had that, I would be more equipped to deal with life in my 40s.

You would be insane to leave this relationship, if you think you’ll find better out there. Dating these days is the absolute pits of hell.

If I were you I would go for therapy to get some understanding on why you behave this way. As others have suggested, I would also carve out some time to do the things which bring you joy.

Hopefully then you will be happier in yourself, and not projecting all of these feelings onto your poor DP (who sounds brilliant, by the way), to the point you think you hate him, when actually it’s yourself you dislike and are pushing him away because of it.

This is quite triggering for me.

DM had an affair - when DF found out she was sorry but she carried it on.

He worked abroad and he then just happened to get a UK posting where he met a lively kind younger woman through work and they started going to groups together to do a hobby. I believe that gave him the confidence to file for divorce.

That was messy as hell. DM was in her early 50s and never made much of her life after that. It was all, I'm too old, no one will employ me, I can't. Well she is now in her 70s and bitter with regret. She realises she had so much going for her after the divorce and should have done more with her life. She also sees the damage the affair did to everyone and she sees what a good person DF was. At the time she made out she was trapped and how dull it was.

In reality she craves drama and has some kind of ADHD or ASD, I believe anyway. I see her as quite sad in that she has never really tried to work on her flaws and better herself. The only thing in her favour is that she wasn't a terrible mum until we were about age 9. After that it was fend for yourself though.

DF is happy and remarried now. I'd say in his relationship they are very much best friends. I get the impression that it changes as you get older, that what you want is a best friend.

I suspect you are having some kind of mid life crisis, but the saying where ever you go, there you are is true. Trust me if you hate yourself now, you'll hate yourself single too. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree so stop trying to blame him and look at yourself for the root of your problems.

The 40 something martyr mother, eager, child bride. Upskill, do a night course, try couples counselling. You are not a passenger, exercise agency. You are old enough to be the captain of your own ship. It is not all impossible, you are not one of life s passengers.

But if I was offered a no strings attached option of financial security and no man right now I would take it, and that tells me I do need to leave. Easier said than done. But my main priority has to be to get a job and my own income, I know that.
Of.course it is. Who else do you think will offer you 'no strings attached financial security'?

It's like you're just a sex machine or you're providing something else for him.

The thought of having to be sexual regularly when you really don't want to makes me feel sick. The stress of that alone would be enough for to desperately seek an exit from this.

Stop with this ADHD excuse line. The media and ignorant people say this with no clue so I wouldn't listen. I know lots of adults who now realized and you should believe it if you feel it. You sound like you definitely do.

I'd personally be doing anything here to get out of this set up.

Many employers offer an employee assistance programme with access to free counselling too. It won’t do you any good to beat yourself with a stick for the past OP, I hope you can get some stability for the here and now to give you the strength and clarity to plan your own future.

@Starseeking she would be insane to stay to be honest in a relationship that doesn’t allow her to be her

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp it isn’t about being a victim in the sense of the adultery it is the fact that actually she has clearly wanted to leave for awhile and he just says no he won’t and she feels so unworthy and awful she is escalating up but at the expense of her own self worth and people’s opinions of her

because the truth of it is this - if he were to post every single one of us would tell him to leave - she has had an affair she is unhappy he should leave her. If he was a woman we would expect her to say the idea of sex now turns her stomach wouldn’t we? But he isn’t not one part wants to leave - which would be unusual other than the why - he has trapped OP in a groomed relationship for a very long time and he doesn’t ever want to let her go

I think that people have really unrealistic expectations of love. It's quite distinct from the excitement of lust or getting your first boyfriend at school. I think that it just changes over time to become something less noticeable and exciting but deeper rooted.
It sounds like your expectations are unrealistic and that you are hitting the classic midlife crisis stage of trying to find meaning in your life. I would try to find this in yourself before getting tangled up with others in such disruptive shallow behaviour. You need to stay put for a bit, get help with your mental health and alcohol addiction, then ease yourself back into employment. You could start with some voluntary work or part time. Routine is really important for mood. Then set yourself some goals - what have you wanted to learn, try out etc? If you still then feel unhappy, then leave at that point. Don't sleep with your husband if you don't want to. That's not fair on either of you. For goodness sake though, treat him better and with some respect. I suspect that you are deliberately testing him/pushing him. How would you feel if he found someone else and you were then on your own drinking?

OP, is it accurate then that he was 38/39 and you were 18/19 when you met him, he “rescued” you from an abusive relationship that you’d been in since you were 17, and then promptly whisked you off your feet and got you pregnant when you were 20 and he was 40?

You have never been independent since - not enabled to create your own life path or make your own domestic decisions, or to earn your own money. What level of education do you have? And you said that you never had a role model for an equal, healthy, relationship as most of the close women in your life were also with abusive or toxic men?

I think he acted in selfish and manipulative way by locking you to him when you were barely an adult, and he has made his own bed. Now you have the prospect of becoming the independent adult you’ve never been allowed to be. You should take it.

She was 20 years old when they got together. He was a 40 year old creep who got her pregnant very early because he was ready to settle down, and thought a 20 year old was the perfect person to settle down with. He's gross.

She chased him. She wanted security.

She was 19/20 and he was 39/40 that kind of age gap brings about a power imbalance and not from the 19/20 year old either.

He trapped her them to the extent she thought she needed another man to save her from it because she has never been independent or seen as an equal.

have you read her posts about feeling unworthy of the money etc but the one with the power is quite clear

because here is the truth the OP is very clear about having an affair, very much blames herself, very much says he is a good man YET quite a few of us see it this way because you can see the power imbalance all the way through

and all advice to him would be to leave which is what she wants and indeed why she had the affair. He won’t and he won’t let her go eithrr

🙄 I truly despair when women have this attitude about a 40+ man seeking sex with a teenage girl.

“OP, is it accurate then that he was 38/39 and you were 18/19 when you met him, he “rescued” you from an abusive relationship that you’d been in since you were 17, and then promptly whisked you off your feet and got you pregnant when you were 20 and he was 40?
You have never been independent since - not enabled to create your own life path or make your own domestic decisions, or to earn your own money. What level of education do you have? And you said that you never had a role model for an equal, healthy, relationship as most of the close women in your life were also with abusive or toxic men?
I think he acted in selfish and manipulative way by locking you to him when you were barely an adult, and he has made his own bed. Now you have the prospect of becoming the independent adult you’ve never been allowed to be. You should take it.”

This with bells on. OP’s husband got together with her when she was very young and vulnerable and rushed her into having children - 3 in very quick succession - and left her to do 99% of the parenting when she was 20 years old. Just when she should have been launching herself and enjoying being footloose and fancy-free. Unfortunately, she had only bad relationship role models and it seems that her parents were pleased to have her off their hands rather than being alarmed at her being with a man twice her age.

He’s refused to let her go since because he doesn’t really care about her happiness; he cares only for his own. And he hasn’t been that good of a provider. He’s coming up to retirement but OP has made clear that they can’t both afford to retire; she will have to keep working. OP’s husband has thought only of himself through all of this.

So what?
I'm in my 30s and have had 18/19/20 year olds chasing me, I still wouldn't go near them and tie them down, because I'm not a scumbag.

It's on you to find a way to get out of the marriage but you're made it incredibly difficult for yourself by expecting a man to provide you with everything you wanted in the first place.
You're much older now so hopefully wiser so can start to find work etc and stand on your own two feet.

Stop wallowing, get a job and leave. If you won’t take action to change your life then frankly you deserve to be miserable.

This is going to sound harsh op, sorry, but I think you are a bit deluded if you think you are taking full responsibility.

Not making a decision, after a while, becomes a decision, and you have chosen to stay with your dh who you are treating abysmally!

You are actually blaming him for putting up with your poor behaviour too:

I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean

You are miserable imho because you are not owning your own problems and you, quite rightly, feel shit about it.

Same with the credit card bill. You decided to quit your job and drink alcohol and generally indulge your misery after a love affair gone wrong. You decided to spend money and wrack up debt. And you try and make out it is some noble gesture on your part not spending your dh’s money! Sorry but this is so self-indulgent! Not many people can afford to quit their job and drink and sit in a puddle of tears knowing their dh will pick up their basic living costs, despite you having betrayed him in the worst way possible!

Op, it sounds as if I am, but I am really not judging you, because we all have our challenges, but you asked what was wrong and I think you feel shit because you are being shit to your dh and you are not taking responsibility for it.

Taking responsibility means making a decision and acting on it sincerely, and following through consistently.

So either,

#leave your dh, get a job, and live your life independently and take responsibility for your actions. Be free to seek out other relationships.

Or

# seek forgiveness from your dh, get a job, tell him about your debt and how you are tackling it, work on yourself, go to therapy, and find out why you are being avoidant in your marriage and chose to have an affair with an avoidant man. Go to couples therapy. And then choose to love your dh which means choosing to make an effort to act in a loving way, as best as you possibly can, every single day for the rest of your life, no bull-shitting.

Please don’t carry on sitting in this no man’s land between two places, lost at sea. Because it’s harming your dh, it’s harming your marriage, which is harming your adult dc, and it’s harming you!

Op, make a decision and you’ll feel a lot better! You are not some poor fragile leaf being swept along in a river’s currant being bashed against a rock every so often! You are a grown woman who is articulate who has raised dc. You are obviously attractive and fun to be with, Decide what you want to do, take a decision, own it, and then act on it and for better or worse, take responsibility for it, and I guarantee you will feel a sod of a lot better about yourself and your life!

Good luck 💐

PS I’ve just read further in the thread about you getting married very young after an abusive relationship and your husband being older. That does put a slightly different spin on things but op you are no longer that woman and you are young enough to make a clean start and a break if you want to.

The thing is op, I’ve done therapy, and what it mainly does is teach you to take responsibility for your decisions and also come to terms with the realities of your life. And that often means “choose your hard”!

Why would anyone warn you about a relationship with someone older? Many such relationships work fine, each finding what they need from the northern.
People are reluctant to interfere in the choices of others, and rightly so would your younger self have listened? I doubt it ... it usually makes people dig their heels in in defence of their partner.
The responsibility for your choice rests with you. Just as now you have a responsibility to act honourably.
If you don't want him then release him. If you do, then be faithful and supportive.

Other ... not northern ...