I have a ‘good’ life but I’m so miserable.

[Losingatlife]

From the outside looking in, many people would likely be jealous of my life. I look happy, always smiling and laughing around other people, being the life and soul of the party, the one who everyone else comes to for advice, always up for a laugh will say yes to pretty much any social outing, help out family and friends whenever needed etc.

Inside I am absolutely drowning.

I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me, he’s amazing in bed, works hard, pays all the bills, gives me everything I want or need and also our children (three young adults). We drive decent cars, have multiple holidays per year, eat out/takeaways often, lots of social gatherings etc. Everything that ‘looks’ happy on the outside.

Inside I am so miserable.

I haven’t been attracted to him or in love with him for years, to be honest not sure if I ever have been truly. I was young and inexperienced at life when we met, and just out of an abusive relationship, he was older, ready to settle down, at the time I felt I hit the jackpot. But I never felt fulfilled or like I’d found my true love.

We’ve had many ups and downs and even a trial separation in the past, but got back together. It was just easier. I always told myself when the kids all reached 18 I would leave. We’re past that now.

A couple of years ago I engaged in some flirty chat with a married guy I knew. After a row with my partner one night, we started an affair that lasted 2 years. It took me out of everyday life, gave me the excitement and passion I craved. I did end it multiple times but we always ended up back together. We started to get feelings for each other but turned out he’s an avoidant so pushed me away after finally telling me he loved me. I knew he was never going to commit anyway as he also has the ‘perfect’ life, looks amazing from the outside, such a family man and all that. It never would have worked, let’s be honest it rarely does.

The crazy thing is that my partner found out about the affair time and time again (this is when I would end it). He begged me not to see him but he never left me over it. Even when I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop seeing other man. I suggested splitting/moving out but he said he has nothing without me and doesn’t want to lose me. So I always felt guilted in to staying/ felt like I was doing him a favor. But every time he found out, he was heartbroken all over again. I can’t cope with other people emotions so I refuse to talk about it which I know is selfish and I tell him all the time to leave me or I will leave him but he begs. I’ve said he can find someone better, who treats him right. I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean, he doesn’t want anyone else and he still begs me not to go.

During one of the break ups with other man I got quite depressed, didn’t eat or sleep just drank alcohol and didn’t go to work. They put me on sick but I never returned, I was too ashamed. Now I have barely any money (just some from bits of freelance work) and have wracked up credit cards as although finances are joint with my partner, and he will provide whatever I want or need, I refuse to use the joint account knowing what I’ve put him through, and also as I can no longer afford to contribute. So I’m currently thousands in debt with barely any income. My anxiety is also causing me issues in getting another job now, before this I had regained so much confidence and was in a good place.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now and I can’t afford to move out. All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

I feel so low and miserable, and can’t figure a way out. He still wants sex all the times with me and I don’t at all so I avoid it anyway I can without trying to be mean. The worst thing is, I’m in no contact with other man, but if he messaged me I would go running back, because I’m so bored of life - and I hate myself for that.

Not sure what I’m posting for, just to get it all out. I don’t know where to go from here I feel so trapped. So lost and like there’s no purpose in life any more, now the kids fend for themselves, no job, no money, empty ambitions.

Also let this be a reminder, what you see on Instagram or from the outside, is not always a true reflection of people’s lives. No one I know would guess I’m feeling this way, or that this is my real life.

Just leave. Don't discuss. Move to a share house or as a lodger if you have little money.

You don't need his permission to leave, you're not even married. You have put money over the years into the house and family so take enough to find somewhere else to live and apply for uc with the housing element until you can get on your feet. He will never ever say 'ok, you have my blessing' so just go, it's your life and pay off your debts using the joint account. Have you worked and done childcare? If so, you can take something.

Is it? You're not responsible for his happiness! You don't owe him your life, you're not an organ donor.

It's his fault for getting with someone vulnerable who is young enough to be his daughter.

He can’t make you happy. It’s been 20 years.

Life is not a dress rehearsal but only you can decide what risks you’re willing to take going forward. You will be financially secure if you stay. Things might be much harder financially if you leave. You might never meet a decent male partner. Are you ready to be single and look after yourself?

But if you stay, when do you get to live your life for yourself rather than for him? He’s still quite young but imagine when you’re 60 and he’s 80 with your life shrinking down to suit his pace. It’s unlikely but not beyond the realms of possibility that you will die before he does. Will the life you’ve had have been enough?

Think forward to being 60
and imagine yourself looking back. What do you think you will wish you had done?

I know I mentioned that in my post but finding another man is not imperative to me, definitely right now. I just meant in the future I could find myself in that position with an awful man. I would be happy to live life on my own for a good while!

Yes I’ve done both.

Ha! Bollocks, he should have married a 40 year old, didn't want to though did he.

I think this is another thing that has come to light for me over the last few years. He’s reaching retirement age and we weren’t always comfortable with money so we can’t both retire together on his pension. So I feel like we’re so out of sync. Then the added fear of him likely dying way before me and me reaching retirement age and having to do it all on my own, or become his carer maybe? I think all these things over the last few years have made me push him away.

This is where a lot of the guilt comes from. It was my choice to stay with and have kids with an older man, he didn’t force or coerce me I originally chased him, but I do think that with his life experience, he should have been more mindful to the age that I was when we met and realised it would end up being a big mistake. And now I feel guilty that he would have to start life over AGAIN in his 60s, while it would be a lot easier for me to start again in my 40s.

Definitely counselling before you do anything. It sounds as though you have a great big void in you because of lack of proper parenting in your childhood. You can't fill it with anything from outside. Temporary elation and passion won't last and then you're back where you started. I was in the same position as you and left but it didn't ultimately change anything except make my family miserable. Counselling helped me understand but there's no easy fix.

He had been married before, and I do wander if I was his mid-life crisis and now I’m having my own.

This is true. Whilst I have a good relationship with my parents now, they split when I was younger and I think they both became selfish and focused on themselves at the time. I definitely believe there are some deep rooted childhood issues, I wasn’t a nice child even before they split, and I’ve tried to make up for it with everyone around me except my partner. He gets the brunt of me whilst everyone else thinks I’m so great also, more guilt added.

I’m taking a break from here for a bit, but I will be back later to catch up on any comments, thank you to everyone who has responded.

Have you actually sat down and made a plan and a budget?

I think you should do this. Use a spreadsheet and plan out exactly how you would cope if you left. And as for feeling crap about work I get that, but just find a job, any job, and get a place to live and build yourself up without searching for romance.

This can be a new beginning and I am not trying to be toxically positive but I genuinely believe you can be happy and I don't like to think of anyone wasting their life away because of logistics.

Yes this. You've spent so many years blaming him for staying with you trapping you and stopping you from living the life you dream of. You've pushed and pushed to get him to leave you but he doesn't so you resent him even more.
Why do you not just leave?? If you really wanted to you would rather than this ridiculous drama. Now you can't because you have no money and no job

You need to srop blaming everyone for your problems. No one forced you into anything. At 20 you was an adult not a child that was groomed. Accept you’ve done wrong and start anew. He cannot make you stay stop making it look like you are trapped because you are not. You said yourself if the other man contacted you you would go and sleep with him. You have to leave the relationship forgive yourself and start rebuilding your life and paying off your debts. When my mom was your age she blamed my father for many things the truth was he never forced her into anything it was her who married right after school and had regrets. It took a long time for her to admit to herself it was all her choices and no one around her, she’s rebuilt herself now and has a new partner. You should move on.

The way you write, OP, is as if you've consumed several self-help books, and enjoy picking apart your moral shortcomings. You don't however seem to want to take any responsibility, despite saying that you do. All criticism, such as indeed mine, will no doubt be added to the fun self flagellation ledger.
I can't imagine you will solve your self esteem issues by leaving this man, but if you want to stay with him, I'd suggest removing your head from your navel and getting on with fixing the mess you've made. Find a hobby, get fit, get therapy, whatever. Most people's lives are a bit dull and slightly unfulfilling, it's not all rainbows and unicorns.

Bloody hell, the problem is you and you need to work on yourself, not attribute everything to/ look for redemption from the man/ men in your life. You need purpose and meaning. Get back to work any way possible and look for a way to do
good. If things end with your husband (which tbh would probably be the best outcome for
him) he will rebuild his life, and you will bounce around from one dickhead to another looking for a true north.

@Jewel52 My question is why her DH is so intent on holding on to her, at any cost?

Probably because he's a good compassionate man who values stability and tries to fix problems.

It sounds like he has much better qualities than "thug life" types with a sexual attraction to noisy cars who suddenly disappear once their partner becomes pregnant.

@Losingatlife You’re right, I didn’t move on from my younger life becuase I don’t feel I ever got a chance to experience it and I think that’s what I’m trying to do now. Play the field, explore, have excitement without a care in the world.

I never had that experience either OP. Most people don't. But people grow up and quickly come to understand that a partner who is compassionate and understanding is much better than having a gobby bad boy/bad girl partner.

I’ve never not been in a relationship since I moved out at 17,

Well this is just a contradiction. You're said you've never had a chance to experience different partners, but now you've said that you've had relationships since the age of 17. So which one is it? Did you have partners when you were younger, or did you not? Or perhaps you don't even know.

This is what I have said to my partner that I don’t know who I am, I haven’t figured that out.

Well, at least you are right about one thing.

If you want your life to change then you need to change it. I’d start with training and a decent job. Get some cash in the bank. Then take it from there- get a tenancy somewhere and get your own life established.

From your posts it sounds like you’re not ready for that.

This is sound advice. Work towards leaving and have a plan that will gradually build your confidence and make a separate life achievable.

I would also look at Relate marriage counselling in the meantime and set a timeframe for the marriage to change on both sides. I think it would help break this cycle of “him good/you bad”. Relationships have to be fulfilling on both sides and he needs to understand that his eagerness to hang on to you doesn’t justify keeping you in a place of real unhappiness. As others have pointed out, you can choose to leave; you don’t owe him forever just because he stuck by you when you got pregnant.

Please. If a man treated his (older) wife like this there would be absolute carnage on this thread. She’s horrible. End of.

Here we ago. It’s not him, it’s you. You’re the problem.

Q. Do you love him? A. No.
Leave him and go and sort yourself out.

I gave up reading half way through. The level of selfishness was beyond belief. Me, me and more me.......