I have a ‘good’ life but I’m so miserable.

[Losingatlife]

From the outside looking in, many people would likely be jealous of my life. I look happy, always smiling and laughing around other people, being the life and soul of the party, the one who everyone else comes to for advice, always up for a laugh will say yes to pretty much any social outing, help out family and friends whenever needed etc.

Inside I am absolutely drowning.

I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me, he’s amazing in bed, works hard, pays all the bills, gives me everything I want or need and also our children (three young adults). We drive decent cars, have multiple holidays per year, eat out/takeaways often, lots of social gatherings etc. Everything that ‘looks’ happy on the outside.

Inside I am so miserable.

I haven’t been attracted to him or in love with him for years, to be honest not sure if I ever have been truly. I was young and inexperienced at life when we met, and just out of an abusive relationship, he was older, ready to settle down, at the time I felt I hit the jackpot. But I never felt fulfilled or like I’d found my true love.

We’ve had many ups and downs and even a trial separation in the past, but got back together. It was just easier. I always told myself when the kids all reached 18 I would leave. We’re past that now.

A couple of years ago I engaged in some flirty chat with a married guy I knew. After a row with my partner one night, we started an affair that lasted 2 years. It took me out of everyday life, gave me the excitement and passion I craved. I did end it multiple times but we always ended up back together. We started to get feelings for each other but turned out he’s an avoidant so pushed me away after finally telling me he loved me. I knew he was never going to commit anyway as he also has the ‘perfect’ life, looks amazing from the outside, such a family man and all that. It never would have worked, let’s be honest it rarely does.

The crazy thing is that my partner found out about the affair time and time again (this is when I would end it). He begged me not to see him but he never left me over it. Even when I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop seeing other man. I suggested splitting/moving out but he said he has nothing without me and doesn’t want to lose me. So I always felt guilted in to staying/ felt like I was doing him a favor. But every time he found out, he was heartbroken all over again. I can’t cope with other people emotions so I refuse to talk about it which I know is selfish and I tell him all the time to leave me or I will leave him but he begs. I’ve said he can find someone better, who treats him right. I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean, he doesn’t want anyone else and he still begs me not to go.

During one of the break ups with other man I got quite depressed, didn’t eat or sleep just drank alcohol and didn’t go to work. They put me on sick but I never returned, I was too ashamed. Now I have barely any money (just some from bits of freelance work) and have wracked up credit cards as although finances are joint with my partner, and he will provide whatever I want or need, I refuse to use the joint account knowing what I’ve put him through, and also as I can no longer afford to contribute. So I’m currently thousands in debt with barely any income. My anxiety is also causing me issues in getting another job now, before this I had regained so much confidence and was in a good place.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now and I can’t afford to move out. All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

I feel so low and miserable, and can’t figure a way out. He still wants sex all the times with me and I don’t at all so I avoid it anyway I can without trying to be mean. The worst thing is, I’m in no contact with other man, but if he messaged me I would go running back, because I’m so bored of life - and I hate myself for that.

Not sure what I’m posting for, just to get it all out. I don’t know where to go from here I feel so trapped. So lost and like there’s no purpose in life any more, now the kids fend for themselves, no job, no money, empty ambitions.

Also let this be a reminder, what you see on Instagram or from the outside, is not always a true reflection of people’s lives. No one I know would guess I’m feeling this way, or that this is my real life.

Pretty much all the females in my life have been with really really shitty men (some of them even multiple shitty men!). From my mother to my sister, to my best friends. All of them.
It’s hard to bring my ‘problems’ to them knowing what they've been through and them all knowing how ‘great’ my partner is, and seeing the life we have. When I’ve literally had to help my mother call the police on a shitty man, taken in friends who have eventually escaped one, been the shoulder to cry on for them all. It seems selfish of me to ‘moan’ about my good life to them.

How old are your kids?

@Losingatlife why is he great though to me you have painted a picture of an older man who groomed a young girl, has never treated her equally and won’t let her go.
he doesn’t sound good or great to me he sounds stifling and abusive and the only way you could see of freeing yourself was an affair that further sent you down a spiral and even more indebted to him and painted yourself (and on this thread) as the one at wrong and him an innocent victim

Yes, a couple of months in he proposed. I said yes but I was besotted back then. I’m pretty sure I did tell him beforehand that I had never had a dream of getting married. But it was all just a whirlwind. He has asked me multiple times over the years, offered me everything, would even still get married tomorrow if I agreed!! But I’ve always felt that I’m just trapping myself even more so I pushed away all the financial security it would give me. I do and don’t regret that now.

So here is the thing it is ok for you to leave it’s ok to say this doesn’t work anymore and you need time for yourself. A good and decent man however hard it is would accept this and also allow you to have some of the assets you have built up together

18, 19, 21

I do believe I thought the the affair was my ‘way out’. It began after a big row. I thought he’d leave me. I was wrong.

You are not happy.
You make him unhappy.
You claim financial independence but created a situation where you are entirely reliant on him.

You are getting into debt pointlessly rather than use your partner's income, which is massively selfish and self sabotaging

Get a job. Leave. Be the independent single woman you long to be.

Why the f*CK does he have to leave you?
It's madness!

You leave

Your kids are old enough to stay with him in secure family home.

So you don't even need to worry about housing them part time.

Your update explains a lot. In your original post, you wrote “I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me…” and that struck me at the time. Those should be givens. The fact that he doesn’t hit you or cheat on you doesn’t make him a good man. It just means he’s not the worst type of partner. It sounds like you’re from a background where male mistreatment of women is very common and therefore your bar is set very low.

As I’ve said upthread, I think your husband was abusive, too, by targeting you at such an early age and rushing you into parenthood and keeping you in a gilded cage since then, clinging on for dear life no matter how unhappy you are. Even the lengthy sex sessions sound a bit exploitative, tbh. I mean - at the age you are now, would you settle down with a 20 year old man?

I don’t know if there’s a way to update your original post but I think many of the people advising you originally would have responded differently if they had known the backdrop to your relationship because I think it really changes things.

Good luck to you OP but I think you’re kidding yourself here

It seems selfish of me to ‘moan’ about my good life to them.

You have mentioned many, many times what a good and desirable life you have. It really doesn’t sound like that to me , but I think it’s important to you that others see it that way.

You really need to let go of needing everyone to think your life is perfect if you want to be happy.

Sorry I sound so impassioned but I really dislike it when people do horrible things to encourage the other one to end the relationship. It's so toxic. And cowardly.

Yes, I experienced it

I do agree, and I think if I finally do walk away he will help me financially in getting somewhere to live etc.
He has life insurance and a will that leaves everything to me, and he often points this out, so I do have security if anything were to happen whilst we’re together but obviously I would not expect that to continue if/when I leave.

Although this thread has been helpful and generally supportive, it has just confirmed all my fears.

I can either leave, risk being way worse off financially, as well as the possibility of finding another (maybe worse!) abusive man, but at least feel like I’ve accomplished something (independence and capability).

or

Stay with a man who I don’t love and not attracted to, be financially secure for the rest of my life, live a good life on the outside but never be at internal peace.

This has always been the predicament, and I have never been good at making decisions.

I want to thank everyone good and bad for the replies though, they all have given me food for thought, and it has felt good to get it out.

You don't even have young kids in the equation? Omg you're home free, not even married? Congratulations you can start your new life today. Just leave if you want. I have been where you are and the feeling of freedom is outstanding. I am still in reverie 3 years on from leaving my ex. I wake up every day happy and grateful for my situation. I look back on the day I left my ex very fondly and often replay it in my head. It's a moment as special to me as someone else’s wedding may be to them.

You're not being ungrateful or selfish or childish to want to live a life that’s directed by you, for you, focused on you. If you believe you only get one life then why not live the rest of it in bliss instead of in prison?

I’ve tried. He gets so upset, then gets angry and says fine go, so I pack to leave and he begs me to stay promising me how different it can be how he can make me truly happy etc, so we go back to ‘normal’ but then I can never hide my true unhappiness with him, he knows it. He just thinks he can change it.

Perhaps true to an extent. Of course I don’t want the people who love me to know that I am dying inside, feeling like they should have ‘known’, ‘seen the signs’ etc, also they are all finally getting their lives back on track I don’t want to bring them back down with my misery.

Put it this way. If you had 100 grand right now and someone asked you to give it to them and in return you would get true happiness, would you pay the 100 grand for that true happiness?

I would. I did. I'm not well off but I'm happy. That's because money cannot buy you happiness and poverty cannot take away happiness, not when it's real, internal, and intrinsic.

I agree, very cowardly, but when it FEELS like your only option, your only escape, you do anything.

If I had £100,000, I would be out the door. And that’s how I know I do need to leave.

Yeah you do. But you feel guilty right? That first conversation is the hardest and then the joy takes over.

You don't need 100k to leave though. People survive on very little. Do you enjoy work?

That’s why I am finally at breaking point, youngest reached 18 so I’m technically ‘free’.

Originally I decided that I would get myself back on track financially whilst staying in the relationship and leave when I was more secure. But now I feel like I can’t stay in the relationship as it’s draining me mentally and physically, creating more anxiety. But I can’t leave without an income. It’s like a vicious cycle right now.

I loved working and meeting new people, but I let my affair take over my life and lost it all. Now I’m a shell of my former self and struggling to get back into employment, as I don’t feel capable of doing anything, feeling like I’m just going to fuck up in any job I get. I think of all the negatives and talk myself out of applying/attending interviews.

@Losingatlife would he be supportive of paying for therapy for you because actually you need to find YOU and neither of your options actually show that. Find things that make you happy a hobby time to yourself figure out who you are

bexause I think you can’t be on your own even your first choice has a man in it and it shouldn’t because you need to find YOU

I do understand, when you come from a very unstable background there's no safety net from which to make measured decisions. And the temptation to marry or partner up with the first option is overwhelming. I did the same and you end up living life arse backwards, trying to learn to be independent when you have dependents.