I have a ‘good’ life but I’m so miserable.

[Losingatlife]

From the outside looking in, many people would likely be jealous of my life. I look happy, always smiling and laughing around other people, being the life and soul of the party, the one who everyone else comes to for advice, always up for a laugh will say yes to pretty much any social outing, help out family and friends whenever needed etc.

Inside I am absolutely drowning.

I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me, he’s amazing in bed, works hard, pays all the bills, gives me everything I want or need and also our children (three young adults). We drive decent cars, have multiple holidays per year, eat out/takeaways often, lots of social gatherings etc. Everything that ‘looks’ happy on the outside.

Inside I am so miserable.

I haven’t been attracted to him or in love with him for years, to be honest not sure if I ever have been truly. I was young and inexperienced at life when we met, and just out of an abusive relationship, he was older, ready to settle down, at the time I felt I hit the jackpot. But I never felt fulfilled or like I’d found my true love.

We’ve had many ups and downs and even a trial separation in the past, but got back together. It was just easier. I always told myself when the kids all reached 18 I would leave. We’re past that now.

A couple of years ago I engaged in some flirty chat with a married guy I knew. After a row with my partner one night, we started an affair that lasted 2 years. It took me out of everyday life, gave me the excitement and passion I craved. I did end it multiple times but we always ended up back together. We started to get feelings for each other but turned out he’s an avoidant so pushed me away after finally telling me he loved me. I knew he was never going to commit anyway as he also has the ‘perfect’ life, looks amazing from the outside, such a family man and all that. It never would have worked, let’s be honest it rarely does.

The crazy thing is that my partner found out about the affair time and time again (this is when I would end it). He begged me not to see him but he never left me over it. Even when I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop seeing other man. I suggested splitting/moving out but he said he has nothing without me and doesn’t want to lose me. So I always felt guilted in to staying/ felt like I was doing him a favor. But every time he found out, he was heartbroken all over again. I can’t cope with other people emotions so I refuse to talk about it which I know is selfish and I tell him all the time to leave me or I will leave him but he begs. I’ve said he can find someone better, who treats him right. I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean, he doesn’t want anyone else and he still begs me not to go.

During one of the break ups with other man I got quite depressed, didn’t eat or sleep just drank alcohol and didn’t go to work. They put me on sick but I never returned, I was too ashamed. Now I have barely any money (just some from bits of freelance work) and have wracked up credit cards as although finances are joint with my partner, and he will provide whatever I want or need, I refuse to use the joint account knowing what I’ve put him through, and also as I can no longer afford to contribute. So I’m currently thousands in debt with barely any income. My anxiety is also causing me issues in getting another job now, before this I had regained so much confidence and was in a good place.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now and I can’t afford to move out. All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

I feel so low and miserable, and can’t figure a way out. He still wants sex all the times with me and I don’t at all so I avoid it anyway I can without trying to be mean. The worst thing is, I’m in no contact with other man, but if he messaged me I would go running back, because I’m so bored of life - and I hate myself for that.

Not sure what I’m posting for, just to get it all out. I don’t know where to go from here I feel so trapped. So lost and like there’s no purpose in life any more, now the kids fend for themselves, no job, no money, empty ambitions.

Also let this be a reminder, what you see on Instagram or from the outside, is not always a true reflection of people’s lives. No one I know would guess I’m feeling this way, or that this is my real life.

I don't agree, a 40 year old man marrying a 20 year old woman has his own agenda and most certainly played a part in the misery.

I absolutely agree, knights on white chargers only exist in poetry.

I haven’t said he doesn’t want me to get a job, I’ve said he is happy for me not to work, and that I believe this to be because he knows where I am when I am at home. He wouldn’t force me not to work as he cannot force me not to attend my hobbies.
My hobbies are an hour or so whereas work is 5 long days per week, and I used to leave work early to see other man (not proud, just making my response to something you clearly think I’m lying about).

Are you depressed? You can have an amazing life and still be depressed.
Have you ever thought of doing voluntary work?

He likes to know where you are because when you were out you were having sex with another man.
All very unhealthy and miserable. Both of you must be hooked on the drama and chaos to be in this cycle for so long.
Now you've orchestrated that you cannot leave as financially you are screwed after running up debts with no job.
I can't remember if you've said whether you've had therapy but you'd benefit from some. So would your husband but he is responsible for his own life and choices.

You’re right, I didn’t move on from my younger life becuase I don’t feel I ever got a chance to experience it and I think that’s what I’m trying to do now. Play the field, explore, have excitement without a care in the world.

I’ve never not been in a relationship since I moved out at 17, moved in with an abusive man, then the one I’m with now came along and gave me strength to leave, and then I got tied down at 20 with him.
I think he was my knight in shining armour and I owed it to him to stay. But he was just ‘there’. I think he could have been anyone and that’s my point, I don’t think I’ve ever truly loved him but then I got pregnant and then felt like I owed it to my kids to stay.

This is what I have said to my partner that I don’t know who I am, I haven’t figured that out. I haven’t experienced life on my own, always been dependant on somebody so yes there probably is a sense of fear of leaving and doing life on my own, but now the kids are grown, I feel I owe it to myself. But I am scared having no job and no money so yes it’s easier to stay where I am ‘safe’ even if I live every single day hating myself inside.

I’m on just above minimum wage, and am paying for private therapy. I’m cutting back on everything else to manage this, because without decent mental health you are looking at a future of more destructive behaviour and eventually physical illness too. You prioritise what is important. It doesn’t have to continue for months, you just need some clarity and self awareness as to why you have stayed for so long and are self sabotaging. (And damaging the mental health of your partner and possibly kids too)
Getting a job, even part time work in a bar or supermarket, (places that are always looking) will help you start to solve many of your issues.

I can’t believe at the amount of sympathy you’re getting just because you’re a woman. I know if it was a man who was cheating he would be dragged through the mud on here. You have no shame, you only think about yourself, you’re for the streets. You use people who love you to the most to your advantage. Very hard to feel sorry for you.

@User37482 - totally agree with you on this:

“Think subconsciously OP is realising her husband isn’t actually all that nice, I imagine OP’s kids are about the age when the old man nabbed her. I imagine thats a bit triggering when she realises how so very young she was. But he appears to worship her and she’s comfortable and no doubt people are telling her how lucky she is all the time. Think this is where her conflict comes from. Completely reasonable resentment.
As a mum in her 40’s (with a much younger child) if I had a 20 year old daughter who came to me and said she’ll be having a baby with a man not far off my own age I would have gone absolutely apeshit tbh. Someone should have stepped in for you, who was looking out for you?”

I don’t think OP was lucky. I think OP’s husband was predatory and incredibly selfish and entitled. He’d had his youth but rather than settle down with a partner close to his own age, he thought it was okay to help himself to someone a generation younger who was just launching her life AND rush her into parenthood. He trapped her when she was vulnerable and inexperienced and he has hung on for dear life ever since. I think that was abusive and I have very little sympathy for him. It has clearly stunted OP’s development and I think her profound unhappiness stems at least in part from having been trapped by a middle-aged man and forced to live a middle-aged life from the age of 20.

Yes, very young couples have children but if the ages are similar, it’s likely that their interests and growth would have been much better aligned. This is not OP’s situation.

They keep her happy in his eyes maybe .
a job gives her independence and she can leave then .

I do feel responsible for how my life has turned out I’ve made all my own choices, just unfortunately most of them were the wrong ones.
I have asked him why he wants to be with me when I treat him so bad but his response is always the same, that he loves me so much and doesn’t want to lose me.
I mentioned ADHD as another poster mentioned it, and i have touched upon thoughts about it in the past but I brush it off as a lot of people suggest it’s just an excuse for poor behaviour, plus I’m quite against going on meds again although I wouldn’t rule it out if needed.

I absolutely 100% DO want to consider life without a man! I constantly tell my partner that I want to be on my own, to find myself. He thinks I just want to leave to be with other man but that’s not true, I really want some time on my own. I have never lived on my own and I feel like I want that space. To do what I want when I want.

I can barely afford my bills right now, so paying for therapy is not an option currently but when I get a job I will aim to make it a priority. Although I am not great about talking about myself or my feelings with anyone, that’s why I have posted here instead of talking to family/ friends.

Just to clarify to a few people who have mentioned me saying he’s great in bed but me not finding him attractive. I was referring to how he is in bed in general, really good at sex, can go for ages, would do absolutely anything and always make sure I was pleasured before himself. And we used to have a really good sex life when I was still in the ‘zone’. We haven’t had sex for months now as I can’t bring myself to when I feel this way.
Other man was fairly basic in bed, inexperienced, selfish but I was very attracted to him, and the connection and passion was what I was after.

My partner is now struggling with the lack of sex, yes he does still try. During my affair I would have sex with him becuase I felt guilty that I was having sex elsewhere and he wasn’t. Again not proud of that at all, but he knew and still wanted it with me. I told him many times to find someone else.

I’ve now told him that I can’t give him what he wants and needs, but he’s still trying. Doing everything he can to keep us together. I think lack of sex will finally be the tipping point for him as it’s very important to him, and it’s just occurred to me that maybe that is why I am 100% withholding it now.

You’re absolutely right but I think, in this case, the op is acknowledging that she’s done horrible things and just sounds depressed.

My question is why her DH is so intent on holding on to her, at any cost? I think the awful behaviour is her means of securing a release.

At 20 you was an adult more than capable to decide what is good and what is bad for you. I dont know how old you are now perhaps you are having some sort of crisis in your life and missing the times you were young.

no one is stopping you from getting a job you said yourself you did have a job. You seem to have an excuse for everything. Do your partner a favour and leave him, he deserves to be with someone who will appreciate him and not use him. What you doing is pathetic

I have said exactly this to him!! How can he love someone who treats him the way I have. I have specifically said that I think he is scared of being alone but he said he has no problem with that but wants to be with me. I’ve said he could find someone to truly love him and make him happy. He doesn’t want to, wants to be with me.

Ah I missed that

That's pretty grim and exploitive.

That definitely rings true. I think I’m seeing the reality of the big age gap from when I was younger now. I’ve noticed it now whereas when I was in it it didn’t feel like an issue to me.

“I have asked him why he wants to be with me when I treat him so bad but his response is always the same, that he loves me so much and doesn’t want to lose me.”

@Losingatlife - it’s always just about him, isn’t it? This is the same thinking that told him that at 40 he was entitled to help himself to a 20 year old and rush her into parenthood. That’s not love. That’s wanting and that’s ownership. He thinks you should be his, not your own person but his person. Love in this situation is actually about letting go - that Sting song: if you love someone, set them free - sounds cliched/naff, but it’s true. He doesn’t care what you want. He doesn’t care about your happiness. He trapped you young and has held on for dear life ever since.

Look, if you’d been 30 and him 50, that would have been somewhat different. But you were so young. So vulnerable. So unable to make the right decision for yourself under his pressure to rush you on to his timetable. That’s at the root of your problems now, I think.

A 40 year old getting together with a 20 year old who has just come out of an abusive relationship is so very wrong. And then three children quickly. No wonder you feel trapped - I imagine this was his goal. Why do you not feel entitled to anything from the family finances/home - you raised his three children - is this worth nothing?

@Losingatlife taking out the affair which is recent and I think a symptom of it all why didn’t you marry him at the start?

also through all of this there is a sense of him, sex is good because he lasts long well for some maybe and for him but what about for you.

there is no you in any of this, so much guilt about money which again predates the affair and must be him

you have been stuck in an abusive relationship for years never quite feeling good enough

I agree, I technically should be entitled to something given that everything I’ve had has gone into us and the family. But it just feels morally wrong with everything I’ve done. There are other reasons though that would make it hard for either of us to buy another house if he was to sell it anyway, so it’s in best interests for him to just keep the house and pay the remaining mortgage.

All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

You could, and bear with me, this may sound like a wild suggestion, tell your family and friends (or one of them) that your relationship is not perfect.

But you did one thing recently what about the years before why didn’t you marry then.

and the affair doesn’t negate all you have done either

I’ve never wanted to get married. It’s never been a dream of mine. He’d also already been married so I think I felt like he’d done it all before so what was the point. In my eyes marriages end in divorce, which I do know is a sad way of looking at it, but that was the immaturity in me back then, and the common sense (or lack of?) in me now perhaps!

You're miserable because you feel empty, guilty, and trapped.

Romance doesn't last a lifetime and it's not illegal to be single. Break up with him. You're probably feeling like you cannot really live a life because you have this sidekick that you don’t love?

Self-direction is important and if we are partnered with someone it has to be a shared direction, otherwise that person is stifling you.

He doesn't have to hit you or berate you or be a bad partner for you to break up with him. You can do that just because you would be happier out of a relationship that you're not invested in.

Marriage isn’t just a romantic notion it is a set of contracts that give each other rights

has he ever asked