I have a ‘good’ life but I’m so miserable.

[Losingatlife]

From the outside looking in, many people would likely be jealous of my life. I look happy, always smiling and laughing around other people, being the life and soul of the party, the one who everyone else comes to for advice, always up for a laugh will say yes to pretty much any social outing, help out family and friends whenever needed etc.

Inside I am absolutely drowning.

I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me, he’s amazing in bed, works hard, pays all the bills, gives me everything I want or need and also our children (three young adults). We drive decent cars, have multiple holidays per year, eat out/takeaways often, lots of social gatherings etc. Everything that ‘looks’ happy on the outside.

Inside I am so miserable.

I haven’t been attracted to him or in love with him for years, to be honest not sure if I ever have been truly. I was young and inexperienced at life when we met, and just out of an abusive relationship, he was older, ready to settle down, at the time I felt I hit the jackpot. But I never felt fulfilled or like I’d found my true love.

We’ve had many ups and downs and even a trial separation in the past, but got back together. It was just easier. I always told myself when the kids all reached 18 I would leave. We’re past that now.

A couple of years ago I engaged in some flirty chat with a married guy I knew. After a row with my partner one night, we started an affair that lasted 2 years. It took me out of everyday life, gave me the excitement and passion I craved. I did end it multiple times but we always ended up back together. We started to get feelings for each other but turned out he’s an avoidant so pushed me away after finally telling me he loved me. I knew he was never going to commit anyway as he also has the ‘perfect’ life, looks amazing from the outside, such a family man and all that. It never would have worked, let’s be honest it rarely does.

The crazy thing is that my partner found out about the affair time and time again (this is when I would end it). He begged me not to see him but he never left me over it. Even when I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop seeing other man. I suggested splitting/moving out but he said he has nothing without me and doesn’t want to lose me. So I always felt guilted in to staying/ felt like I was doing him a favor. But every time he found out, he was heartbroken all over again. I can’t cope with other people emotions so I refuse to talk about it which I know is selfish and I tell him all the time to leave me or I will leave him but he begs. I’ve said he can find someone better, who treats him right. I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean, he doesn’t want anyone else and he still begs me not to go.

During one of the break ups with other man I got quite depressed, didn’t eat or sleep just drank alcohol and didn’t go to work. They put me on sick but I never returned, I was too ashamed. Now I have barely any money (just some from bits of freelance work) and have wracked up credit cards as although finances are joint with my partner, and he will provide whatever I want or need, I refuse to use the joint account knowing what I’ve put him through, and also as I can no longer afford to contribute. So I’m currently thousands in debt with barely any income. My anxiety is also causing me issues in getting another job now, before this I had regained so much confidence and was in a good place.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now and I can’t afford to move out. All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

I feel so low and miserable, and can’t figure a way out. He still wants sex all the times with me and I don’t at all so I avoid it anyway I can without trying to be mean. The worst thing is, I’m in no contact with other man, but if he messaged me I would go running back, because I’m so bored of life - and I hate myself for that.

Not sure what I’m posting for, just to get it all out. I don’t know where to go from here I feel so trapped. So lost and like there’s no purpose in life any more, now the kids fend for themselves, no job, no money, empty ambitions.

Also let this be a reminder, what you see on Instagram or from the outside, is not always a true reflection of people’s lives. No one I know would guess I’m feeling this way, or that this is my real life.

Agree tbh, I got married in my late 20’s and still have moments of “hmm”. If you are 21 with a baby your options are really limited at the time. No career, no money.

Thats why I don’t buy this “poor bloke” shit. I’m in my 40’s, I know 20yr olds, definitely kids imo. I judge that now and I’d have judged it 20years ago too.

But OP needs to get her shit together if she wants to control the rest of her life. OP you are 40, you have years and years ahead of you, stop wasting them here.

Not to be rude or anything, but how is this helpful? The OP is clearly at rock bottom and seeking support only to be slapped back down with a reply like this. Her partner is a fully grown adult, not a vulnerable child! She has been honest with him, he stays because he chooses to - she’s not holding a gun to his head!! Jeeze! The lack of empathy on here sometimes is astounding

If you do separate bare in mind the dating scene in your 40s is dire (actually horrendous) so there is no guarantees that you would meet the love of your life and even if you do it could take 10+ years of continual searching…….as someone else said, the grass isn’t always greener……maybe you should start writing daily gratitude lists in the morning as a reminder of what you have

Can you do something completely different. Travel. Walk a long distance path. Have a complete change of life for a period of time. Then see where you're at.

This is a bit lame OP. He cant make you stay. You need to leave for his sake, if not yours. He's probably totally trauma bonded to you after all youve put him through.

You need to get independent asap and split up.

I get you wanting to punish yourself but he's suffering so much from this.

You've behaved horribly but dont sound like a horrible person. I agree that it sounds like you're self sabotaging.

Wow 😮 touché!!! I really wish people like YOU didn’t have any words!!!

I think you’re both worried about being alone, and therefore both cowardly about taking the necessary step.

You seem worried about not having this comfortable setting to fall back on. Knowing you have a man who loves and worships you when the alternative is to stare into the void and potentially be single forever after - it’s certainly no party out there.

He’s the self-destructive one, lacking in self regard and self-esteem such that he will still stick with someone who clearly doesn’t love him and abuses his trust by having affairs

in the end though, you don’t love him. And surely staring into avoid and not knowing what is to come or how happy you might be is better than what you have now?

don’t worry about him, but worry about you. What’s really going on with you? What are you afraid will happen if you break up.? You’re in a relationship that leaves you dead inside it is so lacking in authenticity. Why is the alternative of being free and free to choose either singledom or a partner, so horrendous to you? Are you worried about public censure? Are you worried about never finding anyone?

when people look at someone who seems to have lots of friends and is always laughing and is the life and soul of the party you just see someone who is laughing and has lots of friends. You don’t necessarily look at them and think they have it all. So don’t worry about upsetting this perfect vision of what your life is to others

You’re really young too. You could have a whole other life ahead so definitely don’t feel you have to settle.

sorry OP, you say you have a 'good life', but how is it good?

Yes, you have a nice home and can go and buy ready-Julienned carrots in Marks.

But ... you detest your husband sexually, you are distraught at the loss of a lover who you genuinely wanted and needed and could be yourself with, you don't have the respite or purpose of an external pursuit such as a job and workplace.

How is this good? No wonder you feel upset. I'm sorry.

And, at the risk of being repetitive, my advice for a dependable panacea is always the same:

find a nice young guy.

I agree with you but I don’t think fear is a good enough reason for OP to stay in the relationship if she’s not happy.

Also, there is another alternative - be single.

You know youre an avoidant too right?

I think you liked the affair more than the affair partner.

I think you need to consider counselling to sort yourself out whether you leave this marriage or not. Or this is just who you are and how it will be for the rest of your days

He's also not holding a gun to her head.
Op is also a fully grown adult not a vulnerable child..

Don’t you understand that the OP is at rock bottom - are or have all your choices in life been perfect? She was only 20 and he 40 when they met. How do you know what led to her decisions? Why so judgy? She’s reached out for help, not judgement and nastiness. No wonder most people head over to chatGPT to talk to AI than open up to this viper pit of judgy self righteous people

@Mummysgogetter do you also pop on the threads where ops dh has cheated on her, is a cocklodger then scold them for not being kind and thinking of how hard he's finding things?

So you think the OPs behaviour is ok??

This poor, devoted man. Frankly, OP, you sound awful and it would be only just if he wised up, dumped you and found someone who reciprocates his feelings. There is nothing that you have said that generates one iota of sympathy in me for you. No wonder he is feeling paranoid.

You seem to be suffering from a surfeit of everything being too good and that's not attractive.

A few things jump out massively here. It feels that you're looking and focusing in the wrong place mainly.

There's an undertone of no responsibility and accountability for your life here. You say it, but I don't read it.

It's difficult if someone is such a doormat they allow this behavior from you. I understand that he is making it harder to leave because he allows such appalling behaviour from you.

It's human in some way. I don't castigate you. When people allow it, sometimes we can behave terribly and only take from boundary less people.

It's time to start adulting though, seriously....

1. You immediately strike me as having undiagnosed ADHD. You then mentioned it. Take some responsibility and look at getting this assessed. Consider whether medications for that might improve your life. So many people have found this has helped many things. There are always threads referencing this.

1. Consider life without a bloody man. For 5 minutes. It doesn't have to be one or the other. You need to grow a fair amount. It happens when you're alone most often.

1. Therapy would probably help you a lot. You need an unbias supporting place where you can say anything. I would look at a private provider you find yourself. A lady. I've paid myself for 15 years. I'm not flush. This is a priority for me, a good one. You'd benefit.

1. You find him unattractive. I'm a bit confused how anyone can be good in bed when you find them unattractive. It doesn't match up. Id feel sick by someone I'm not attracted to I think. Not saying they're great sexually.

1. You need to move on from your partner. It is so toxic and unhealthy. For him to accept all this says there's something very wrong with him. Your ability to stay in this with him knowing, the affair, it's all so toxic, it is devoid of being adult. It feels really juvenile.

Forget doing anything drastic right now. Forget obsessing over men.

I advise simply looking at the ADHD element and starting private therapy ( ND experienced) and focus on those things over the coming months. All the rest will then fall into place,.I'm sure of it.

Agree, that is something she has to weigh up, would she be happy single after cohabiting most of her life

Of course it is.. poor lamb had no option than a 2 year affair. And the OMs wife and kids clearly deserved it...

I'm sorry but at 20 and him being 40, I do have sympathy for you. I don't agree with the cheating whatsoever but I do think given the circumstances of how you got into the relationship that it's not surprising you feel lost. If there was a 20 year old on Mumsnet now asking should she get into a serious relationship with a man 20 years older than her, have children etc people would be telling her to go and live her life first. You need to separate, this relationship is no good for either party. Your partner has obviously got a lot of issues if he has taken you back so many times, this is very sad, you both sound like you would benefit from a split and counseling.

@Losingatlife You don't have a good life. You have a fake life that doesn't suit you. Stop hurting your dh and yourself and start living in the way you actually want. Your life is not a show or a front for other people to see or to approve. Its yours to live. Go do that!

I've no idea how I've put that GIF and I've no idea how to remove it, sorry!

You’re not going to like this but someone needs to spell it out to you . Your behaviour has been absolutely beyond disgusting . You don’t love this man but you won’t leave because u like the cushy life & material benefits that being with him gives you . You could have left him whilst you were having your affairs but be honest with yourself . You are used to the good life & don’t want to be hard up . It’s obvious that the guy will eventually bail u out of the debt that u have got yourself into & u know it . He loves you but god only knows why ? Do the decent thing for once in your life & leave . He deserves so much better .

I've had some similar issues to the OP and @granthamgrizzler and I've just been diagnosed with ADHD. When I read my full assessment interview notes it sounded like something off of Eastenders all the shit I'd been involved with and stupid things I'd done. I was married for 30+ years, left thinking it was the right thing to, I'd be fine on my own. It's been pretty grim so far. Difference is he wasn't a "nice" person (no one else involved on either side) but maybe I should have just accepted things - I thought @granthamgrizzler's phrase about not changing horses was very apt although their situation was more difficult than mine.

So yes I'm on team possible ADHD - have a look online @Losingatlife, do a couple of assessments on yourself and that might give you some answers. Wonder if Relate would help? As in talking about the really raw stuff and what you've put your H through, but at the same time addressing issues arising from the significant age gap if you are in your 40s and he's in his 60s.

Not RTFT but one thing is leaping out at me - you said you married and had children very young, within 1 year of meeting. Not sure if you’ve specified your age at the time but I’m guessing late teens/early 20s, but your H is 20 years older than you.

So he stole your youth and rushed you into settling down because that’s what suited him, because he was entering early middle age while you were just finding your feet in the world - just as you should have been launching yourself into your 20s footloose and fancy-free and really finding yourself.

I think that was a shittily selfish thing of him to do. I feel like he found you and trapped you and has kept you trapped since then.

So I don’t think what you’re experiencing now is necessarily self-sabotage but rather a deep realisation that you were forced to go at the pace of someone 20 years older and therefore never found yourself or lived for yourself.

You need to do this work. Stop looking to men such as your husband and your affair partner to give your life meaning and define you. You need to find yourself. A woman’s 40s and 50s are a great time for this, especially as peri-menopause and menopause leave her less and less inclined to put up with a poor deal. What do you like to do? What interests you? What hobbies do you have? What fires you up? What are you passionate about? You need to find yourself. And then you can decide what to do about your marriage.