I have a ‘good’ life but I’m so miserable.

[Losingatlife]

From the outside looking in, many people would likely be jealous of my life. I look happy, always smiling and laughing around other people, being the life and soul of the party, the one who everyone else comes to for advice, always up for a laugh will say yes to pretty much any social outing, help out family and friends whenever needed etc.

Inside I am absolutely drowning.

I’m in a long term relationship with a good man, he doesn’t go out much, doesn’t hit me or cheat on me, he’s amazing in bed, works hard, pays all the bills, gives me everything I want or need and also our children (three young adults). We drive decent cars, have multiple holidays per year, eat out/takeaways often, lots of social gatherings etc. Everything that ‘looks’ happy on the outside.

Inside I am so miserable.

I haven’t been attracted to him or in love with him for years, to be honest not sure if I ever have been truly. I was young and inexperienced at life when we met, and just out of an abusive relationship, he was older, ready to settle down, at the time I felt I hit the jackpot. But I never felt fulfilled or like I’d found my true love.

We’ve had many ups and downs and even a trial separation in the past, but got back together. It was just easier. I always told myself when the kids all reached 18 I would leave. We’re past that now.

A couple of years ago I engaged in some flirty chat with a married guy I knew. After a row with my partner one night, we started an affair that lasted 2 years. It took me out of everyday life, gave me the excitement and passion I craved. I did end it multiple times but we always ended up back together. We started to get feelings for each other but turned out he’s an avoidant so pushed me away after finally telling me he loved me. I knew he was never going to commit anyway as he also has the ‘perfect’ life, looks amazing from the outside, such a family man and all that. It never would have worked, let’s be honest it rarely does.

The crazy thing is that my partner found out about the affair time and time again (this is when I would end it). He begged me not to see him but he never left me over it. Even when I told him I wouldn’t/couldn’t stop seeing other man. I suggested splitting/moving out but he said he has nothing without me and doesn’t want to lose me. So I always felt guilted in to staying/ felt like I was doing him a favor. But every time he found out, he was heartbroken all over again. I can’t cope with other people emotions so I refuse to talk about it which I know is selfish and I tell him all the time to leave me or I will leave him but he begs. I’ve said he can find someone better, who treats him right. I’ve said he needs more self respect, not put up with being treated this way but then he says I’m being mean, he doesn’t want anyone else and he still begs me not to go.

During one of the break ups with other man I got quite depressed, didn’t eat or sleep just drank alcohol and didn’t go to work. They put me on sick but I never returned, I was too ashamed. Now I have barely any money (just some from bits of freelance work) and have wracked up credit cards as although finances are joint with my partner, and he will provide whatever I want or need, I refuse to use the joint account knowing what I’ve put him through, and also as I can no longer afford to contribute. So I’m currently thousands in debt with barely any income. My anxiety is also causing me issues in getting another job now, before this I had regained so much confidence and was in a good place.

I know I don’t want to be in this relationship any more but it is my safety net right now and I can’t afford to move out. All family and friends no nothing and think our relationship is perfect due to the outside perspective so I can’t go and stay with any one.

I feel so low and miserable, and can’t figure a way out. He still wants sex all the times with me and I don’t at all so I avoid it anyway I can without trying to be mean. The worst thing is, I’m in no contact with other man, but if he messaged me I would go running back, because I’m so bored of life - and I hate myself for that.

Not sure what I’m posting for, just to get it all out. I don’t know where to go from here I feel so trapped. So lost and like there’s no purpose in life any more, now the kids fend for themselves, no job, no money, empty ambitions.

Also let this be a reminder, what you see on Instagram or from the outside, is not always a true reflection of people’s lives. No one I know would guess I’m feeling this way, or that this is my real life.

Maybe she never got the chance to mature organically alongside someone of her own age because she was entrenched in a very unequal relationship with a man twice her age who is inexplicably determined to hang on to her, come hell or high water.

There’s a kind of mental cruelty in refusing to let someone free when all their actions show that they want out of their cage.

You pay for everything you take in this world in one currency or another.

You ve never known a decent stable relationship without deception, dishonesty or cheating or abuse. This time, the abuse is coming from you

That's the price you ve paid in that currency...

None of these problems are insurmountable, and they never have been. You just didn't want to take responsibility. You chose a meal ticket whilst not loving him. And here you are.

@Jewel52 There are many people who have bad relationships, and there are some people who have very limited relationship experience. Yet, they still manage not to be awful people.

I don't feel one bit sorry for him considering he was 40 and you were 20 when you got together. A 'good man' would have left you alone when you were that age.

How the hell is this the man’s fault?

Do not enable the behaviour of the OP. She has zero to little moral compass and has made excuse after excuse for her actions.

The issue is a her problem. Until she fixes it she will never be happy. It’s nothing to do with her DH.

Read the OPs later posts. Now I hear you were barely out of childhood when a forty year old man enticed you up the aisle and got you pregnant within a year, I have some
sympathy. The power imbalance in your relationship must have been huge.

Obviously you’re no victim and carry responsibility for your actions including having an affair but I am sympathetic.

I don’t think berating and hating yourself is any use though. You get one good life and you have a duty to live it as well as you can. You’re middle aged, fit and healthy, and have kids that need you. Probably family and friends too. Snap out of it and do something. Act now and start repairing yourself. Good luck.

I agree, you are miserable.

I feel quite sad for your DH and I think if you don't love him let him go. He deserves to be loved too.

Marriage is sharing your life with someone and that doesn't mean constant adventure. My DH is my soulmate and I love him dearly, but plenty of our weeknights after work are exercise/dinner/bed. That's the nature of life; it's not all fun and adventure all the time. My single friends aren't out every night of the week. They're doing the same things just on their own.

OP I feel for you.
Nobody is 💯 per cent happy all of the time, life is up and down for everyone, you have to take the good and the bad, the for better and worst.
With regards to work and independence, lower your expectations, just try and get some form of employment which will give you an income, bring some money in and give you a life outside of home.
Think about a charitable cause you feel passionate about, or is close to your heart, and volunteer for them.
When you picture your life without your husband how do you see it looking?
Not sure how old you are OP but it sounds like you have built a lovely life with your husband, you have children and a shared history don't give it up without a fight or without doing everything you can to try and make it work.
It sounds like you are 'bored' with your life and crave some excitement, well here's the thing with excitement it doesn't last in long term relationships.
I have a friend who is in a very similar situation to you, she has 'everything' but is bored and thinks there is something 'better' out there for her, there isn't. The problem is she doesn't live in the real world.
I have another friend who has given up on her long-term marriage and has had a series of 'encounters' with men whom have been quite frankly horrendous. A short summary of the eligible men met online:
Involved elsewhere
Living at home with their Mum
Unemployed
Living in squalor
Can't drive
Financial bankrupt
Morally bankrupt
Emotional baggage
Nobody gets the fairy tale OP, life is hard and you have to count your blessings.
Try and build a life for yourself within your marriage.
I wish you well OP.

You can walk away. Maybe not without drama - but why do you think you deserve some sort of drama free break up after all the heartache you've caused him with your affairs? Just put your big girl pants on and break up. And find a way to find fulfilment in your life that isn't based on other men finding you attractive.

This reads like a Mills and Boon story.

Because he was 40 and she was 20. Where was his moral compass?

Your life sounds very boring. Don’t you have any hobbies or interests or do anything that gives you fulfilment beyond men?

Maybe I’m way off here, but do you think he is really genuinely still in love with you at this point, or is he just afraid of being alone in his old age?
The crying and begging you to stay seems like it could be a fear-related emotional response to me.

It sounds to me that you have been you for your entire marriage. You seem to have thought about yourself and your happiness and unhappiness, your desires, your feelings and wants and have lived all these out within the safety net of your marriage and husband who, for some inexplicable reason, has gone along with it all allowing you to remain obsessed with yourself.

You could have left if you really wanted to, but this whole drama has been played out for years with you wailing leave me leave me you deserve better and him declaring he is nothing without you, while you’re having it off with some other man and racking up debts - do you both think you’re in a Shakespeare play or something you both seem very addicted to high drama and quite frankly the whole thing sounds ridiculous and exhausting.

I think you need to grow up a bit because if he does leave you you won’t cope in the slightest

It seems you are both in this relationship because you weren’t brave enough to turn the page when the time came. I’m not a fan of huge age gaps, and I definitely see a 20-year-old marrying a 40-year-old as a red flag. That relationship wouldn’t look like “having it all” from the outside to me.

I think there’s a deeply unhealthy dynamic at play that’s causing you both to depend on each other when you should let go. Part of that dependency seems to express itself in your inability to get on your own feet financially. I wonder why that is? What’s really going on that you’d leave before attending a job interview (if I understood that correctly)? Why aren’t you more self-motivated and effective at work? Why are you trying to be a hero by not leaning on him financially, while also destroying your own financial independence? It seems to me you’re afraid to outgrow him and become your own independent person who doesn’t need him. Maybe that old dynamic between you two, where he is the senior and you are the young one, keeps replaying itself.

Either way, if I were you I’d focus on self-development and financial independence, and then go from there. Once you’re on your own feet financially, you’ll probably naturally move on from your marriage, which seems unhealthy.

You need to get counselling. You are intrinsically unhappy and I don't think it's anything to do with your husband... you're unhappy with yourself. And you could leave him, drink, have affairs, whatever... but none of it will make you feel better until you get to the bottom of what's truly making you unhappy. You said you were in an abusive relationship before you met your husband... I'd say you need to talk to a professional about that and maybe going back even further to analyse why you have a self destruct button. Good luck

This seems to be a mid life crisis, perimenopausal affair.

Get a grip. Get your finances in order, get your addiction issues in order. If you want to consciously uncouple, then take control of your life, be capable of self reliance. Finance yourself. You sound like a right drainer.

Who cares about your Instagram life.... No one. Nobody cares about your take aways or holidays, everyone knows the show offs who post that crap are vacuous.

I don’t understand how you can have a great sex life but not feel attracted to your husband??

Yup exactly. Think subconsciously OP is realising her husband isn’t actually all that nice, I imagine OP’s kids are about the age when the old man nabbed her. I imagine thats a bit triggering when she realises how so very young she was. But he appears to worship her and she’s comfortable and no doubt people are telling her how lucky she is all the time. Think this is where her conflict comes from. Completely reasonable resentment.

As a mum in her 40’s (with a much younger child) if I had a 20 year old daughter who came to me and said she’ll be having a baby with a man not far off my own age I would have gone absolutely apeshit tbh. Someone should have stepped in for you, who was looking out for you?

OP you may not have wonderful love affairs if you leave your partner, you may not be financially comfortable either. Thats the stark reality.

Go to therapy and I bet at some point you’ll say out loud that you felt like your youth was stolen and all the things you should have had you never got. My mum married extremely young, it led to a lot of resentment over her lifetime.

I don't know, I have a feeling you going to regret this. I hope not though. A man that is kind, financially secure, gives me good sex.. What more do you need. There is so much rubbish in the dating pool. If you leave, make sure that you leaving for you and not hoping to find someone better. Because you might not even find that. Good luck OP

It sounds like you are bored and lack purpose and I suspect the 20 year age gap will be hitting particularly hard now. Your dh wants you at home where he knows you are not with another man but it also makes you feel trapped. It also hints, understandably, at a lack of trust in you. The affair gave your life the excitement it has been missing.

Get a job, clear the debts, take up a hobby and see how you feel.

For what its worth I knew of a similar situation where are much older man had a much younger partner. He accepted early on that she would (and did) eventually find, and leave him for, a younger man but they are still good friends.

However, 20 is soo young. So I understand. When I think back to when I was 20, I was still so immature. Everything happened too fast and the person you were at that age is. completely different. The age gap between you two is a big factor of ofcourse

I have been in a relationship (thankfully no marriage or kids) where I told the man I wasn't happy and wanted to end it. He would beg and plead and say I was the only one for him and ask me what he needed to change about himself.

It was awful, I felt so controlled and I found myself becoming aggressive (thankfully not physically). That was so very unlike me that I realised what was happening was his passive aggression was working on me.

I thought hard about it and realised that he pushed very very hard in other areas of his life to be the victim. For instance at work, he had manouvered a very large company into a constructive dismissal very very large settlement by claiming to be getting bullied.

Is there something like that going on? Because it's not normal when someone tells you they want out and is or has been unfaithful to be so determined to continue.