Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Piles and sex… would you?

204 replies

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 14:24

Sorry for the TMI but I’m just looking for some advice. Been dating a guy for about 5 weeks now and really want to have sex. He’s suggested going away this weekend and I want to so much BUT…. I’ve got anal piles that I’ve had since my children were born (getting increasingly worse with each pregnancy)
They don’t hugely bother me in terms of pain or discomfort etc but they are very unsightly. I still had sex with my ex husband and he wasn’t bothered by them but we’d been together a long time so were very comfortable.
The NHS only offer banding so I will get them
privately lasered off at some point but it’s very expensive so nothing I can do with any immediacy.
I guess my question is do you think he would be put off? To clarify I don’t want to be doing anal or anything and I don’t like any fingering in that region, which I’m happy to explain to him. It’s just that in certain positions they would probably be visible and possibly with oral. Sorry for TMI!
Would you let it bother you?
Part of me thinks, he knows I’m a nearly 40 year old woman with 3 children, so he can’t expect a perfect body (or bum hole!) but they are unattractive.
I almost wondered to make a joke of it so he knows they’re there so I’m not tensing up if he tries to initiate certain positions they might be visible?
Any advice or reassurance please. I’ve not slept with anyone since my ex husband a feeling nervous!

OP posts:
BettyBobble · 19/08/2025 14:35

I doubt he'll be bothered. As a side. May I ask what it wrong with banding? Just out of interest really as I have some viable piles myself

Mrsttcno1 · 19/08/2025 14:41

As much as I’d want to say he wouldn’t be bothered I’ve heard enough about men (and women) being put off by things I’d never have expected that I’d never ever assume now!

Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 14:44

My sister had them banded and said it was painful and then they grew back! I’ve heard many people say that banding is the least desirable option and that laser is much more effective. I went for a consultation for laser which would take 20 minutes, minimal recovery (a day or 2) and better at getting rid of them completely but it would be nearly 3 grand!

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 14:45

Mrsttcno1 · 19/08/2025 14:41

As much as I’d want to say he wouldn’t be bothered I’ve heard enough about men (and women) being put off by things I’d never have expected that I’d never ever assume now!

Oh no! This is what worries me so much. We’ve had quite a jokey/bantery kind of vibe so far and I’m tempted to just make a joke about it and then I suppose if that puts him off before sex then it’s a good thing that I found out then?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 19/08/2025 14:52

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 14:45

Oh no! This is what worries me so much. We’ve had quite a jokey/bantery kind of vibe so far and I’m tempted to just make a joke about it and then I suppose if that puts him off before sex then it’s a good thing that I found out then?

Show quote history

If I was you I would definitely mention it in advance just so that if it is off putting at least it’s not a horrifically awkward in person thing.

Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 14:58

Yes, I think I will. Or I might just call the whole thing off. Initially when I started dating again I just stupidly didn’t think about it. Then when I started to think about sex it’s become a real sticking point in my mind. I really like him but God it’s so awkward to have to have that conversation isn’t it? Realistically I wouldn’t be able to afford the laser any time soon. God, the perils of childbirth 😩 I think I might be too embarrassed which is a shame.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 19/08/2025 15:01

I think you’re mistaken about banding. Anyone I know who has had them done has been perfectly happy. There are other treatments too eg sclerotherapy (liquid injection), electrotherapy or infrared coagulation - not sure which one you mean by ‘laser’.

it’s not that they ‘grow back’. The nature of piles is that they are swollen blood vessels so can reoccur.

ill be honest, in your position, I would fund sex with a new partner problematic. I suppose my best advice would be to discuss it with him in advance, if you can.

Disturbia81 · 19/08/2025 15:01

How about just sticking to lights off and/or avoiding doggy style if you want to have sex now before getting them treated? I’ve heard treatment is very painful though

Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 15:05

EarringsandLipstick · 19/08/2025 15:01

I think you’re mistaken about banding. Anyone I know who has had them done has been perfectly happy. There are other treatments too eg sclerotherapy (liquid injection), electrotherapy or infrared coagulation - not sure which one you mean by ‘laser’.

it’s not that they ‘grow back’. The nature of piles is that they are swollen blood vessels so can reoccur.

ill be honest, in your position, I would fund sex with a new partner problematic. I suppose my best advice would be to discuss it with him in advance, if you can.

Well any sort of treatment that I’ve looked into certainly couldn’t be done before this weekend anyway. I have looked into various methods of getting rid of them but I have only known him a relatively short time and I suppose didn’t know if it would go anywhere so by the time it’s come to a point where it clearly could (and I want it to) I’m a bit limited with time and funds to get them sorted. You’re right though. Maybe, it’s not the right time to be having sex with someone new until I can get them sorted, although obviously I wouldn’t expect him to wait for me!
God this is so awkward!

OP posts:
mumda · 19/08/2025 15:20

If you can't communicate with him honestly and openly about bits of your body then don't have sex with him.

Talk to him before hand. Whilst you have clothes on.

Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 15:27

mumda · 19/08/2025 15:20

If you can't communicate with him honestly and openly about bits of your body then don't have sex with him.

Talk to him before hand. Whilst you have clothes on.

Yes, I tend to agree with this so thank you. I suppose if it put him off (not that he HAS to be ok with it but you know what I mean) then he wasn’t meant for me?

OP posts:
mumda · 19/08/2025 15:29

And you don't have to make a huge thing out of it ... it's aim is to make you feel comfortable about sharing yourself. :)

Imlyingandthatsthetruth · 19/08/2025 15:29

Didn't think banding was an option for external piles anyway? However, pleased to be able to say it's not an area of expertise!

Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 15:34

Imlyingandthatsthetruth · 19/08/2025 15:29

Didn't think banding was an option for external piles anyway? However, pleased to be able to say it's not an area of expertise!

You lucky thing! Yes, it’s the only thing that would be offered on the NHS but I think the wait list is about 12 months in my area so I started looking at different options. There are many options privately to deal with them but all at quite significant cost which is not something I can do right now.

OP posts:
QueenBakingBee · 19/08/2025 15:41

OP it sounds like you've got into your own head with this. You like this guy and he likes you. If you feel like you can't talk about sex (and related issues) then why are you ok to have sex with him.

Lets just say you tell him and he's a crappy bloke who responds negatively - guess what - you've found out he's an arse and you can move on (and you've saved some money by not going away together). Or he could respond with care and consideration - bingo! Another green flag.

Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 15:45

QueenBakingBee · 19/08/2025 15:41

OP it sounds like you've got into your own head with this. You like this guy and he likes you. If you feel like you can't talk about sex (and related issues) then why are you ok to have sex with him.

Lets just say you tell him and he's a crappy bloke who responds negatively - guess what - you've found out he's an arse and you can move on (and you've saved some money by not going away together). Or he could respond with care and consideration - bingo! Another green flag.

You’re totally right, I have completely got in my head about it 🙈 It all feels so new and scary to me after being with the same man for 16 years that I would feel a bit nervous about the sex anyway and this has just amplified it a bit. Or a lot!
So is the general consensus that I just have a casual chat beforehand and just mention it’s something I’m a bit sensitive about? But not make too much of a big deal about it?

OP posts:
Pepperedpickles · 19/08/2025 15:48

I think most middle aged people - men and women - have their fair share of things like piles etc. If I waited to never have piles I’d never have sex again. These things just aren’t worth worrying about. If he’s a keeper he won’t care.

QueenBakingBee · 19/08/2025 16:06

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 15:45

You’re totally right, I have completely got in my head about it 🙈 It all feels so new and scary to me after being with the same man for 16 years that I would feel a bit nervous about the sex anyway and this has just amplified it a bit. Or a lot!
So is the general consensus that I just have a casual chat beforehand and just mention it’s something I’m a bit sensitive about? But not make too much of a big deal about it?

Show quote history

Nice and casual I think is a good way to do it. Or something similar to what you've written here. If he's a good one (there are ones about :), his response will put you at ease. Maybe even be good to also ask him if there is anything he is sensitive about. Might be the start of a good conversation and bring you closer?

superplumb · 19/08/2025 16:11

Ive had banding last month. The procedure doesn't hurt but after 30 mins I was in so much pain and vomited. Ogmh amd banding doesn't do anything with external piles. Its the internal ones they sort out. I too have external and was told surgery was the only way to remove those. This was by a consultant who did my banding. I was gutted to say the least.

Crushed23 · 19/08/2025 16:12

In all honesty I would not contemplate sex with a new partner or even DP if I had this problem. I would look to get it sorted ASAP, taking out loans/credit cards if I couldn’t immediately afford it.

Why does no one talk about this lovely side effect of pregnancy?! Puts you off more than anything else.

Fibrous · 19/08/2025 16:20

Banding only works for internal piles - which may be on the outside, confusingly. It's about where they originate not where they end up, in relate to the dendate line, which is an area of tissue inside the bum. I have two big external piles, so not suitable for banding. The colorectal surgeon described them as 'fleshy' 😵.

I am in a LTR but if I was fresh on the dating scene I'd just mention them so they're not a shock. Most people get them, some worse than others, he's probably had them himself at some point, some of my exes definitely did. I wouldn't go slicing and dicing at expense if they're not painful. Just own them! I'm sure he'll be so keen to get in your pants he wont care about a bit of extra skin flapping around. Just make sure it's clean. I use some fluid to clean my bumhole by a company called Wype - it cleans without irritation.

Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 16:21

Crushed23 · 19/08/2025 16:12

In all honesty I would not contemplate sex with a new partner or even DP if I had this problem. I would look to get it sorted ASAP, taking out loans/credit cards if I couldn’t immediately afford it.

Why does no one talk about this lovely side effect of pregnancy?! Puts you off more than anything else.

Cripes 😳 Well suffice it to say I’m now massively over thinking it and back in my head about it! My sister has them and said it never crossed her mind to worry about it with her new partner but then I guess others would see it as a massive issue. Oh I just don’t know! Maybe it’s best I cool it off. I certainly don’t want to be getting in debt to get it done but would take a few months to save to get it sorted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 16:24

Fibrous · 19/08/2025 16:20

Banding only works for internal piles - which may be on the outside, confusingly. It's about where they originate not where they end up, in relate to the dendate line, which is an area of tissue inside the bum. I have two big external piles, so not suitable for banding. The colorectal surgeon described them as 'fleshy' 😵.

I am in a LTR but if I was fresh on the dating scene I'd just mention them so they're not a shock. Most people get them, some worse than others, he's probably had them himself at some point, some of my exes definitely did. I wouldn't go slicing and dicing at expense if they're not painful. Just own them! I'm sure he'll be so keen to get in your pants he wont care about a bit of extra skin flapping around. Just make sure it's clean. I use some fluid to clean my bumhole by a company called Wype - it cleans without irritation.

Ah ok. I think I’ve confused things as they’re more like external skin tags now, although once were haemorrhoids.

The gp just said they would refer me to gut health? And that banding would be offered? Regardless, the waiting list is long so I wanted to get them sorted privately. It’s just quite a big expense that’s all, whichever route you go down.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 19/08/2025 16:30

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 16:21

Cripes 😳 Well suffice it to say I’m now massively over thinking it and back in my head about it! My sister has them and said it never crossed her mind to worry about it with her new partner but then I guess others would see it as a massive issue. Oh I just don’t know! Maybe it’s best I cool it off. I certainly don’t want to be getting in debt to get it done but would take a few months to save to get it sorted.

Show quote history

You could take out an interest-free credit card? If it’s only going to take you a few months to save up the amount then you can clear the credit card before it becomes interest-bearing.

AlertEagle · 19/08/2025 16:31

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 14:24

Sorry for the TMI but I’m just looking for some advice. Been dating a guy for about 5 weeks now and really want to have sex. He’s suggested going away this weekend and I want to so much BUT…. I’ve got anal piles that I’ve had since my children were born (getting increasingly worse with each pregnancy)
They don’t hugely bother me in terms of pain or discomfort etc but they are very unsightly. I still had sex with my ex husband and he wasn’t bothered by them but we’d been together a long time so were very comfortable.
The NHS only offer banding so I will get them
privately lasered off at some point but it’s very expensive so nothing I can do with any immediacy.
I guess my question is do you think he would be put off? To clarify I don’t want to be doing anal or anything and I don’t like any fingering in that region, which I’m happy to explain to him. It’s just that in certain positions they would probably be visible and possibly with oral. Sorry for TMI!
Would you let it bother you?
Part of me thinks, he knows I’m a nearly 40 year old woman with 3 children, so he can’t expect a perfect body (or bum hole!) but they are unattractive.
I almost wondered to make a joke of it so he knows they’re there so I’m not tensing up if he tries to initiate certain positions they might be visible?
Any advice or reassurance please. I’ve not slept with anyone since my ex husband a feeling nervous!

I’ve had mine lasered in a private clinic. The procedure was very expensive and the recovery isn’t 1-2 days, whoever told you it will be 1-2 days has lied to you. However I do not regret the procedure, I’m happy with the result and I feel more confident.