Piles and sex… would you?

[Winniebagelton]

Sorry for the TMI but I’m just looking for some advice. Been dating a guy for about 5 weeks now and really want to have sex. He’s suggested going away this weekend and I want to so much BUT…. I’ve got anal piles that I’ve had since my children were born (getting increasingly worse with each pregnancy)
They don’t hugely bother me in terms of pain or discomfort etc but they are very unsightly. I still had sex with my ex husband and he wasn’t bothered by them but we’d been together a long time so were very comfortable.
The NHS only offer banding so I will get them
privately lasered off at some point but it’s very expensive so nothing I can do with any immediacy.
I guess my question is do you think he would be put off? To clarify I don’t want to be doing anal or anything and I don’t like any fingering in that region, which I’m happy to explain to him. It’s just that in certain positions they would probably be visible and possibly with oral. Sorry for TMI!
Would you let it bother you?
Part of me thinks, he knows I’m a nearly 40 year old woman with 3 children, so he can’t expect a perfect body (or bum hole!) but they are unattractive.
I almost wondered to make a joke of it so he knows they’re there so I’m not tensing up if he tries to initiate certain positions they might be visible?
Any advice or reassurance please. I’ve not slept with anyone since my ex husband a feeling nervous!

Yes the GP referred me for banding too, but they don't know which type they are in the GP office. The wait list in my region is 9 months for the first contact with an NHS colorectal surgeon. This was too long for me so I paid for a sigmoidoscopy privately (which was £3k) as I was in a lot of pain, which I thought was from the piles but it was actually anal fissures. The surgeon told me if I wanted the piles removed it would be a haemorrhoidectomy under general anaesthetic (presumably £10k or so - I've declined further treatment for now as I don't have that kind of money). That's the only treatment for external piles. You do have more options if they are the internal type.

I would definitely mention it beforehand if I was you OP, just to save any potential in person awkwardness if nothing else. If it doesn’t bother him then fab, if he it does then at least you find out before you’re naked in bed and have to awkwardly get dressed and leave!

From a male point of view, my thought would be is he even likely to notice?

Me and DP have a fairly healthy sex life, and the only time I ever see her anus is when I'm performing oral on her, and even then it's not exactly what I'm focusing on. It's not really all that visible when she's on all fours either.

I'd mention it to him, because to be honest it's a good barometer of him as a person, if he's bothered then he's not the person for you.

But if you're too embarrassed to say anything, then just keep the lights low (helps with the mood anyway) and go for it.

do you mean you have skin tags outside of your anus? Thats what I had after my pregnancy and they were 6 I had them lasered, recovery was over a month

I am being daft; why would he see your piles???

The treatment that was recommended to me by a friend who had it done is called exroid. It’s not suitable for external haemorrhoids but is fine for anal skin tags? I don’t know at what point a pile becomes a skin tag and I’m not massively sure on the difference! But that’s what mine are. She did say recovery was minimal but I guess it depends on what you class as fully recovered?

Because they are external

Definitely. Unless he’s into objectifying women and has unrealistic expectations from porn then he will know that all humans are imperfect and he won’t even be bothered.

Think about it a different way - if he had visible piles (men get them too!) would you be put off having sex with him? Would you run screaming for the hills, or just politely ignore them and move on to the million and 1 ways you can enjoy your time together?? Also, he may well have piles, warts, skin tags, weird hairs, wobbly bits... Do you want an explanation and advance warning before you see his naked body? Or do you want dim lights, positions you both feel comfortable in, and a nice time?

I would think about what you would want from him, and aim for the same. Enthusiasm and dim lighting has never let me down yet OP, don't overthink this.

Just tell him.

I've been with my partner for just over a year and he knows I suffer with piles. He likes to do doggy and I was like Noooooooo, I can't do that, you'll see my starfish. He didn't care one iota.

If your fella is into you, he won't care.

I’m surprised by these comments. I also have skin tags that flare up occasionally as a result of pregnancy and it never even occurred to me that it would be a problem. Most normal men are just happy to be having sex and have their own first time worries like can they keep it up, are they too small, will they ejaculate too quickly etc. Seen as you’re not planning on anal sex, just focus their attention on where it matters lol. Any man that expects you to look perfect with no battle scars from giving birth is deluded and not the sort of man you’ll want to have sex with twice anyway. Personally, I think mentioning it beforehand is worse and makes it a big deal when it isn’t.

“DP, I’m really looking forward to our weekend away however I must admit I’m a little nervous about the intimacy side of things. I really want to take this step forward with you however after having multiple children my body is no longer what it used to be. I guess I just need some reassurance that I won’t be judged and that you don’t have unrealistic expectations about my body.”

I can say with confidence that you can only see them when doing doggy style. So just avoid that? 😊

I guess I just don’t want to have to ‘avoid’ a position and therefore make it a bit awkward when I usually enjoy doggy

This is an excellent scenario to see what kind of man he is and if he’s worth having sex with! Don’t back off because of it, this is life and you want a partner that loves you for all of you!
Mention it as something you’re self conscious of, see how he handles it. If a few skin tags on your bum puts him off then he was never worth the effort! Hopefully he’ll barely bat and eye and he’s good one. Use these uncomfortable situations to get a real sense of him as person and his character.

No I wouldn’t be bothered at all! But I think men are a lot more ‘visual’ than women.

Theres no need for a massive conversation about your piles. Just tell him you’re not into arse stuff.

Oh they are! But not in the way you think - a woman he finds attractive wants to have sex with him. Clothes are coming off. The last thing a good man is thinking is anything other than phwor!
I second the poster above don't overthink it.

OP , I would just say it to him & tell him exactly how you are feeling about it ..
Also include you are saving to sort out the issue cause they make you feel uncomfortable in yourself..
You can only see what he does with that then 🤷🏻‍♀️

😂😂😂 That made me laugh. I’m totally fine telling him I’m not into arse stuff, just a bit concerned he would see them in certain positions/oral and I just don’t want to sort of tense up if for example he tries to initiate doggy (which I enjoy normally)

Yes, totally agree. I think I DO need to have the conversation just for my own peace of mind/enjoyment in the moment. But will keep it casual and his response will tell me all I need to know.

I have never had them but have my own body hang up issue. If you feel comfortable with him, just talk to him about it. If he likes you, he won't care. And it's only really doggy style that they would be visible. So just avoid that if you want hide them.

That’s a lie we’ve been fed, women are just as visual.

Don’t just bin off what could be a good relationship because of this. Have that chat beforehand, bet he won’t care. And if he did, then you’ll know before you get intimate.

Ignore that poster that’s dumb advice. Don’t get into debt for the sake of piles!! If you like someone and they like you don’t cool things off just because you’re worried he’ll be put off. Have a conversation with him. Although the first time I had sex with my DH I did have a pile and didn’t even think to mention it, we’re still here 20 years later. He was never put off.