Piles and sex… would you?

[Winniebagelton]

Sorry for the TMI but I’m just looking for some advice. Been dating a guy for about 5 weeks now and really want to have sex. He’s suggested going away this weekend and I want to so much BUT…. I’ve got anal piles that I’ve had since my children were born (getting increasingly worse with each pregnancy)
They don’t hugely bother me in terms of pain or discomfort etc but they are very unsightly. I still had sex with my ex husband and he wasn’t bothered by them but we’d been together a long time so were very comfortable.
The NHS only offer banding so I will get them
privately lasered off at some point but it’s very expensive so nothing I can do with any immediacy.
I guess my question is do you think he would be put off? To clarify I don’t want to be doing anal or anything and I don’t like any fingering in that region, which I’m happy to explain to him. It’s just that in certain positions they would probably be visible and possibly with oral. Sorry for TMI!
Would you let it bother you?
Part of me thinks, he knows I’m a nearly 40 year old woman with 3 children, so he can’t expect a perfect body (or bum hole!) but they are unattractive.
I almost wondered to make a joke of it so he knows they’re there so I’m not tensing up if he tries to initiate certain positions they might be visible?
Any advice or reassurance please. I’ve not slept with anyone since my ex husband a feeling nervous!

Can you not, um, tuck them away inside?

Wype is brilliant stuff. And much less cumbersome than carrying around wet wipes should you need to.

I have combined IBS - diarrhoea and constipation depending on my gut’s mood, so Wype is perfect to fit in my bag when out and about and also have some hanging off the loo roll holder at home.

I would just mention it so that he knows what’s going on and where not to touch and assuming everything is progressing and you’re still self conscious, you can always opt for the dark room + crotchless lingerie as suggested earlier too.

I had tons of hang ups and was insanely anxious about it, especially considering DP is younger and looks like a damn Greek statue. He was very reassuring and frankly he now gets to see me in every angle and lighting possible.

I also have piles and have slept with several men (including anal sex and anal play) i used to be embarrassed but now I don't really care. I usually mention it before we get to the point of getting naked and its never been an issue, most men our age (40s) have either had an ex wife with a similar issue (piles caused by pregnancy/childbirth) or are mature enough to realise the "perfect" body doesn't exist and everyone, male or female, has lumps, bumps or bits that they aren't particularly fond of.
I appreciate its very easy for me to say don't worry about it as ive been where you are, about to sleep with the first man since my ex husband who fathered the children that caused the piles! But im now so far past that embarrassment i can tell you with confidence, tell him before hand if that will help you relax and enjoy and not be lying there freaking out hes going to discover them and he really won't care. If he does care then you've dodged a bullet as who wants to get naked with someone who doesn't accept a perfectly normal woman's body who he is in a relationship with and professes to care about.
In a few months there will be another post about this and you'll be in my position saying you were in the same boat but not to be embarrassed as you are now having the best sex of your life 😉

Haemorrhoids and skin tags are 2 different things. Not sure why they’ve said they turn into skin tags.

He will might have some himself, honestly don’t worry about it. He’s not going to be inspecting you!! Just enjoy it.

Well, I had haemorrhoids after pregnancies… sore/bluish purple colour/bleeding etc. One kind of burst after my 2nd pregnancy. My bum hole was a mess! But for the last 4 years (last preg was 6 years ago) they have just been like soft, fleshy tags but in the exact same place as the piles! The gp said they are external haemorrhoids but when I went for laser consultation they said anal
skin tags so who knows!

I wouldn’t mention it, they’re so commonplace that I really don’t think it is necessary. Just say you’ve got a bit of a sore knee and can’t do doggy just now if you feel too self conscious for that. He might be useless in bed or turn out to be really annoying and you decide you don’t want to see him again so why put yourself through the drama for nothing. It’s not like it’s an sti you have to disclose in advance.

I would not mention it and just keep to positions where they're not going to be blaringly obvious. Discussing your piles in the lead up to sex is about the least sexy thing I can possibly imagine - how do you even bring that up?

I agree, ignore that poster. Jeez! Spend the money on a holiday instead.

If you like this guy and would like to take it further then yes tell him. He likes you and presumably likes sex and gets that neither of you are 18. If there’s a bad reaction then you’re better off without - but don’t dump him bc you’re too embarrassed to tell him. Yes you’re overthinking it. Who knows - he may have them too! Or a fungal toenail or any one of a number of embarrassing minor complaints.

You're over- thinking it, men don't seem to care. An orifice is an orifice. Crude but true apparently.....

A fungal nail would give me a serious ick! Vo🤮

Yes, all this men are more visual is bullshit. Men are more pervy and want to fuck us because of testosterone, but the little details matter less.
Women however are generally a lot more fussy about looks, beards, hair styles, weird body stuff etc

Another option is to avoid the positions where they will be visible and then after say that you usually love those positions but feeling a bit insecure about how you look down there. No doubt he’ll reassure you and won’t be bothered, you’ll both be much more relaxed, the context is there and much less awkward than announcing it over dinner before you go away… and if you go for the weekend there’s plenty of scope to make up for lost time ;)

How would he see them???

you should definitely get rid of them but not for this reason. How would he be looking there?

How would he be looking there !
like really 🙈

How are the fissures now, if you don't mind me asking? Did they suggest surgical treatment for those, or were you able to sort with topical treatment?

Hi OP, I really sympathise. I don't know if this helps but hope it does!

I do not have the exact same issue as you, but I gave birth to twins completely unassisted in a loo. I had a bad 2nd degree tear where the skin and muscle ripped around my vagina, but also a ragged skin tear went from my vagina towards my bum and sort of "past" it.

Birth is great eh!

Anyhow, they did some stitching but decided not to stitch that bit and "let it heal naturally". Without telling me. It did not heal well, but in a sort of lumpy line.

I didn't know what had happened as they hadn't said so I assumed at first I had some type of prolapse. I was sick with fear as I'm very sporty and thought perhaps I wouldn't be able to do high impact or heavy stuff anymore.

Eventually I went to see a women's health specialist, a physio in fact. It was about £100. She examined and explained that was she was seeing was scar tissue. As she wasn't a surgeon, she had no vested interest in persuading me to have surgery.

She explained cosmetic surgery could help in my case, but it could also make things worse. Essentially, messing with scar tissue carried a risk of making the scar weaker and liable to re-open, particularly as it's a part of the body that we use all the time. Because I am active, this risk might be increased for me.

I hate the way I look down there now. But that explanation helped me and made me comfortable to decide not to intervene further. I do not like how it looks, but it's cosmetic not functional, and also, it could be worse and could be stopping me being active, and that would be worse than anything.

So tldr 🤣 you can see a non-surgical professional fairly cheaply who may advise - surgery isn't a miracle cure - and if you do want surgery ask specifically about how it might impact on your lifestyle after, will there be restrictions on what you can do etc.

I can’t believe people are suggesting you get a loan to have corrective treatment.

FWIW I’ve had piles - they seem to come and go, and I can usually push them back in or use a cream to get rid. They’ve never stopped me having a very active sex life with (typically younger) men, including oral and anal sex.

It’s perfectly normal to have insecurities about your body. We all do. But do you know what’s attractive? Someone who’s confident in their own skin. It’s a case of fake it til you make it! I might think “Oh jeez, I hope he’s not noticed that… [scar/ stretch mark/ spot/ ingrowing hair/ pile] but not once have I considered pointing it out to him!

They're a fairly common occurrence in both men and women, so how do you know he doesn't have them too?
I think you're overthinking it op, I wouldn't even mention it and just enjoy your weekend!

Assuming they are not the size of grapes and hanging out of your bum cheeks just go with very soft lighting and stick to the missionary position for the first time.....if he's a decent shag/man you could mention them once you get to know each other better! If he's a crap shag you can bin him off and he'll be none the wiser.

Jesus Christ, some of the replies on here! Take out a loan, become celibate, apologise in advance for your perfectly normal body. No, fuck all of that! Don't tell him a thing op, and if he brings it up in any way that isn't respectful curiosity, immediately point out a flaw on his body. I hate when women feel the need to apologise for not being 'perfect'. Men don't feel this pressure. Do what you feel comfortable with. A man's opinion doesn't matter when it comes to your body.

Don’t rule out banding. Was the best thing I done. Only came back once 4 years later (minor). Been fine for the last 3. And nowhere near as bad as they were, and completely gone now.

they put me to sleep. And I had two weeks off of work. Recovery was fine

Ooh no I couldn’t. I’m sorry, I would get them sorted first. I would get them sorted anyway, I just wouldn’t want them there. Sorry again!

Exactly this.