Piles and sex… would you?

[Winniebagelton]

Sorry for the TMI but I’m just looking for some advice. Been dating a guy for about 5 weeks now and really want to have sex. He’s suggested going away this weekend and I want to so much BUT…. I’ve got anal piles that I’ve had since my children were born (getting increasingly worse with each pregnancy)
They don’t hugely bother me in terms of pain or discomfort etc but they are very unsightly. I still had sex with my ex husband and he wasn’t bothered by them but we’d been together a long time so were very comfortable.
The NHS only offer banding so I will get them
privately lasered off at some point but it’s very expensive so nothing I can do with any immediacy.
I guess my question is do you think he would be put off? To clarify I don’t want to be doing anal or anything and I don’t like any fingering in that region, which I’m happy to explain to him. It’s just that in certain positions they would probably be visible and possibly with oral. Sorry for TMI!
Would you let it bother you?
Part of me thinks, he knows I’m a nearly 40 year old woman with 3 children, so he can’t expect a perfect body (or bum hole!) but they are unattractive.
I almost wondered to make a joke of it so he knows they’re there so I’m not tensing up if he tries to initiate certain positions they might be visible?
Any advice or reassurance please. I’ve not slept with anyone since my ex husband a feeling nervous!

To be honest I’ve had them for years (even pre kids) and it’s never occurred to me to be insecure about them. They’re not pretty but they’re on my arsehole… the rest of me is nice enough. If he doesn’t love you for your piles you shouldn’t be shagging him.

I agree men are far more visual than women..
💯 would not put me off with a guy I liked , but the truth is they are so different to us 🤷🏻‍♀️..
A good man though OP will not see what you See ..
I hope he’s a good man 🤞

I had had piles like a bunch of grapes when pregnant, swollen and purple which have become lose skin but no lumps or colour.

I’m not sure what stage yours are at but I wouldn’t worry unless they’re VERY obvious.

The first time in my life I’m going to suggest this…. Crotchless underwear? You could also keep the room fairly dark. I agree with all the should feel comfortable to discuss comments, but I just wouldn’t until I was closer to the person, which is usually after we’ve been intimate.

i just bought some yesterday 😂

But you don’t have to get pregnant to have piles. Are you going to also stop having sex if your labia minora disappear in menopause?

Hi,have you tried asking your GP for help? I suffered from piles during my last pregnancy and the GP prescribed a cream called Proctosedyl ointment. It was brilliant and cleared them up completely after a couple of weeks,think it's only on prescription.

I have these!! I too would love to spend some money to get rid of the wretched things but that’s not happening atm sadly.

My DH has assured me multiple times that he doesn’t care. I am still a little self conscious so every few months I check in with him to check he hasn’t been mentally scarred by catching the odd glimpse… So far all is well 🤣

I think mention it - just so that you won’t be worrying about him having a shock

Are yours internal or external? Yes, I’ve been to the GP twice but I think mine have now become skin tags rather than haemorrhoids so there’s very little a topical cream could do and the doc said would absolutely not be resolved with cream, would require some kind of banding/freezing/operation etc

This is a massive overreaction. OP, if the lights are off he’s very unlikely to even notice them. I certainly wouldn’t end the relationship over this, and I wouldn’t even feel compelled to ‘warn’ him advance unless you genuinely feel you’ll be more comfortable that way.

My job involves looking at bumholes on a fairly regular basis, and I can assure you that people have all sorts of funny things going on down there. Most of them aren’t properly visible unless you really go looking for them.

My ex husband (amicable spilt and a generally good guy) was always very reassuring that he didn’t care at all. Also, he had one so no room to talk 😂 so I think I felt a bit complacent and then had a sudden worry that a new guy might not feel the same!

Mine definitely are visible

Honestly I think bringing it up is worse than if he just notices them! Confidence is the sexiest thing. If a man brought up some insecurity ahead of a weekend away, that would give me the ick more than the skin tag itself. It would also draw my attention to it more if anything as I’d be looking for it 🤣. I also have a skin tag in the same place due to old pregnancy piles and I know it’s different as it’s not a new relationship but my DH doesn’t seem to care one bit. We are very open with each other and he must know it’s there but I’m not sure we’ve ever even mentioned it. Definitely doesn’t put him off 🤣
I personally don’t think your partner will even notice and if he did, I honestly don’t think it would be an issue.

Please just enjoy the weekend away. Have a few drinks, use low lighting if it makes you feel more confident and buy some sexy undies as others have suggested 😉 life’s too short to be worrying about these things!

I bet there’s funny parts about his body he’s not fond of either. Relax! Have fun ;)

Do you know if this man has kids OP? Just thinking if he does, and was a decent present partner when his wife/partner was pregnant, he may be better prepared! Currently 6 months pregnant with baby number 2, number 1 only 16 months, I think my husband’s eyes have been well and truly opened to the good, bad & ugly of growing and bringing babies into the world 🤣 but does mean nothing really phases him!

Haha I did think this. He has 3 children with his ex wife so I’m sure will have seen his fair share of pregnancy related ailments!

It’s not an overreaction. Different people have different standards as to what makes them confident in bed. I don’t even like pubic hair, I am always fully shaved (a lot less hair down there due to laser hair removal, so this is not a big task by any means) because that’s my preference and thankfully DP trims regularly.

OP is still very young - not even 40 - so the comments upthread about how we all have embarrassing bits in middle age don’t really apply here.

Unless it’s genuinely like a bunch of grapes or he is quite laddish then he probably won’t care. Especially if the room is quite dark and you don’t do doggy. Obviously a different body part but vulvas come in all shapes and sizes and men are generally just pleased to be near one. Especially if they’re an adult who has experience of real women who don’t all look like porn stars. I would probably tell him in advance and see his reaction, as that will tell you a lot about him anyway.

I mean what’s your plan?! Never have sex with him? Tell him first? If neither of those two then just go for it!

I think this is perfect!you don’t have to specifically mention piles , just say I’ve had kids and my body has changed and I’m a bit nervous.just want to let you know it’s not you,it’s just something I’m conscious of.

How big are they? If they are dangling down to the back of your knees, then I would have a pre sex conversation. 2 or 3 tags half a centimetre in size - I probably wouldn't even say anything at all.

If he does mention it - just breezily say they are skin tags after having the children.

I see loads and loads of vaginas and anus's through work (midwife). You'd be amazed at how different everyone is. People have lumps and bumps all over the place.

Thankfully not dangling down to the back of my knees! There is one that is the size of a grape and then 2/3 raisin sized ones. They are flesh coloured not like when they were haemorrhoids and were red/purple etc. They don’t hurt or anything, hence I suppose why I never felt the urgency to get rid of them.

If he does mention it - just breezily say they are skin tags after having the children.
👏👏👏

Sorry not to have read every post. I’ve had piles since I was 24 and never considered telling anyone I have had sex with about them. Nobody has ever mentioned them.

I’m willing to believe they could be more prominent than mine. However, really I wonder if you are massively overestimating 1. The detailed familiarity of men with smaller aspects of the female body 2. The detailed observation skills of a guy presented with a sexually aroused woman he fancies in a private space.

I don’t think he will notice; and if by some chance he does, I don’t think he will care. So I wouldn’t say anything. I don’t give guys a detailed rundown of any possible negative aspect of my body beforehand, because he should be focused on us having a great time, and because nobody is perfect including him. If it is really bothering you and might make you self conscious, buy some sexy pants, keep them on and hook to one side as required. Even crotchless ones maybe.

Another vote for talking about it well in advance, in a straightforward way How he deals with your discomfort will tell you lots about the kind of person he is, things you really want to know before DTD.

And if he reacts badly, then no harm done hope it goes well.