Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Piles and sex… would you?

204 replies

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 14:24

Sorry for the TMI but I’m just looking for some advice. Been dating a guy for about 5 weeks now and really want to have sex. He’s suggested going away this weekend and I want to so much BUT…. I’ve got anal piles that I’ve had since my children were born (getting increasingly worse with each pregnancy)
They don’t hugely bother me in terms of pain or discomfort etc but they are very unsightly. I still had sex with my ex husband and he wasn’t bothered by them but we’d been together a long time so were very comfortable.
The NHS only offer banding so I will get them
privately lasered off at some point but it’s very expensive so nothing I can do with any immediacy.
I guess my question is do you think he would be put off? To clarify I don’t want to be doing anal or anything and I don’t like any fingering in that region, which I’m happy to explain to him. It’s just that in certain positions they would probably be visible and possibly with oral. Sorry for TMI!
Would you let it bother you?
Part of me thinks, he knows I’m a nearly 40 year old woman with 3 children, so he can’t expect a perfect body (or bum hole!) but they are unattractive.
I almost wondered to make a joke of it so he knows they’re there so I’m not tensing up if he tries to initiate certain positions they might be visible?
Any advice or reassurance please. I’ve not slept with anyone since my ex husband a feeling nervous!

OP posts:
Iwilladmit · 20/08/2025 01:00

Also - you sound funny and fun. We’d be friends in real life.

TheTeasmaid · 20/08/2025 01:06

Everyone has flaws or parts that are unique. part and parcel of being human really, to me its the person personality overall that matters not bits of dangly skin etc

Winniebagelton · 20/08/2025 01:28

Iwilladmit · 20/08/2025 01:00

Also - you sound funny and fun. We’d be friends in real life.

Message me if you’re in North Yorkshire!!

OP posts:
Horsie · 20/08/2025 01:46

Communication is the key. You need to tell him straight up that you're a mother and a woman of the world, and as such, living a rich and varied life has left you with piles from childbirth. (I don't think you need to say "anal.) Tell him that you want to have sex but that they are unsightly and you feel self-conscious. Then leave the ball in his court.

How he responds will tell you a lot.

I have genital herpes, so I have to have this conversation whenever I start to date someone. I don't want my time or his to be wasted, so I tell them straight up that I might infect their goolies with something they'll die with - this is a really good line around Halloween - and they enter at their own risk. Fifty percent so far have forged ahead.

Many of us have conditions that we're better of disclosing before sex. We are not teenagers anymore.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2025 01:50

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 16:42

Because they are external

Sorry, will go back and read the rest but I have external piles and my ex of 5 years didnt know until I had a nasty issue and I had to tell him, and we had an....ahem....adventurous sex life until the last year or so! He genuinely had no clue that I had them.

So unless they are the size of space hoppers or he goes looking for them, he wont know!

ET clarify....we were together 5 years and split last year!

Chickensky · 20/08/2025 01:57

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 16:53

I guess I just don’t want to have to ‘avoid’ a position and therefore make it a bit awkward when I usually enjoy doggy

As sufferer from hearmoriods for various medical reasons) Please do not feel the need to signal this up front with your new fella. Jesus Christ we are all made differently. And he will not notice or care but if he does then he's a dick to be dumped and never seen again.

Having said that I that, I also do like certain positions and your friend here is the closing of the legs from behind whilst he opens his. It gives my bum privacy. 🤷

AvidLurker · 20/08/2025 02:05

Just wanted to say thank you for this post 😂 I’m currently experiencing the grape and raisin fruit bowl … I’m 35 weeks, 3rd pregnancy, and they’ve popped out in the last few days, have avoided doing the ‘business’. I’ve tried to make the pain go down with potions and lotions and ended up in A&E with anaphylaxis from my efforts 😂😂 … I don’t dare tell DH, and a lot of the comments have made me realise this is normal after popping out sprogs. I don’t have advice, but do have gratitude for your post 😂

Muffinmam · 20/08/2025 02:53

This is why women need to be aware of the dangers of giving birth.

The piles are from pushing.

Women can also get fistulas.

How soon can you schedule the procedure??

Senuousnotsensuous · 20/08/2025 03:51

OP I think you sound like a really funny witty person and I’ve loved reading your posts.

The thing is if you really like someone then these things just don’t matter. If you are unsure or not that keen then literally anything can “give you the ick” there are some hilarious threads about completely innocent things that some men have done/said that have turned women off forever on here.

Personally I think the key to dealing with any of this is humour which you should have no problem with, it puts both of you at ease and stops it becoming a huge deal.

I have just started seeing someone after my long term relationship ended and I have the perfect example for you.

The first time I slept with him I was ridiculously self conscious, I cancelled several times because I have large uterine fibroids that cause pain and a swollen abdomen. After a few drinks I explained and described them by comparing them to fruit size - wise. I said ones like a baby watermelon, one orange, lemons, grapes etc…

He was lovely and more worried about causing me pain than anything. We now affectionately refer to my belly as “the fruit bowl” the humour took away any embarrassment.

The second time he stayed at mine and kept disappearing briefly out of the room and coming back, I finally got it out of him that he was going to fart as he had a bit of a dodgy tummy from nerves.

To some people it would be funny but I’m really squeamish about things like this, I never once farted in my 12 year relationship in front of my ex DP and it could have easily turned me off forever. He made a joke about avoiding doing a 69 and it got rid of the awkwardness again. I think it’s how you handle things but also how much genuine chemistry there is.

I like this man, I find him hilarious and fancy him like crazy, I realised he’s human with human flaws and I really didn’t care in the end! I have noticed other things about him that aren’t perfect and I imagine some women would judge him on but I can see completely past anything because of his good points.

I can’t guarantee your piles won’t give your new man “the ick” (I fucking hate that expression but it serves its purpose) but if they do then if it wasn’t your piles it’d be something else. I’d prefer a man to get the ick over my arsehole over the rest of my appearance or personality!

I think if the right chemistry is there then nothing else matters and you’ll both see past each others imperfections.
One of my male best friends finished with an incredibly beautiful woman because he saw her “pulling a stupid face when she licked a stamp”
His next girlfriend was nothing at all as physically perfect but he saw past plenty of her annoying habits!

There are people posting who would probably be very insecure if they had them theirselves but wouldn’t care about a man having them.
I have a very hairy bum that I am mortified about and spent far too many years being self conscious over till my best friend who is a beauty therapist said it was normal. We ALL have hang ups unless we are porn stars and my current bf said they are all too noisy with fake American accents so are far from perfect themselves. Who wants to go to bed with a writhing screaming woman putting on a performance? 😂.

Ferrissia3 · 20/08/2025 04:04

Winniebagelton · 19/08/2025 23:12

Ok so back to total paranoia 😂 if I stand in front of a mirror, spread my cheeks and look over my shoulder I can see them?! They’re not visible if my bum cheeks are closed 😂 but if I spread them you can see them? If I had to manoeuvre in front of a ring light for them to be visible then I wouldn’t be worried. NOW I’m worried I’ve massively under described what I mean and everyone’s like ‘go for your life’ not really understanding what they are!

I googled piles images as a result of this post and was massively freaked out (and I've had 2 kids). Obvs id be ok with this if I was into someone but I would definitely need a warning beforehand, rather than notice them for the first time during sex!

GarlicLitre · 20/08/2025 04:06

My very deliberate, post-divorce shag with a stranger was a lovely night, I chose well.

After The Deed he asked, in a mildly amused tone of voice, how long I'd had piles. Well, it was a bit late to be embarrassed about intimate body things 😂but I did wish I'd said something beforehand!

Still got 'em, by the way. Banding was uncomfortable for me, not excruciating, but they came back. I periodically treat them with the cream, they shrink, they come back, round we go again. Before I gave up sex, I mentioned it when I was worried my bum might surprise a partner. Nobody cared, of course - it was about dealing with my own embarrassment up front.

Have a great time!

Sal17690 · 20/08/2025 04:58

Sorry to be really blunt. As a woman who sleeps with women, he won't notice unless you do doggy / bend right over in front of him. Standard oral sex with you lying on your back / sitting on his face facing his head not his feet will be fine. Keep the lights low and have fun!

TiaKofi · 20/08/2025 05:24

Please just have sex with this man and enjoy yourself! I’ve had an outer pile since my late teens, and no one has ever commented - or cared. And these were men in their early 20s. I imagine a man in his 40s won’t give a toss. It makes me so sad that you feel this is holding you back.

Ahsheeit · 20/08/2025 05:35

He'll be worrying that he'll not last longer than 30 seconds, or that he won't be able to get it up, or won't satisfy you etc. He won't care about piles. I've had them for years and never felt the need to tell anyone I'm shagging. He may even have his own little bunch of grapes.

He'll just be happy that he's having sex with you.

PomegranateVase · 20/08/2025 05:46

I was lucky to not get these in my pregnancies and had no idea what they look like. I just Googled them to see an example and I think you should definitely say something to your boyfriend in case he panics mid-sex thinking you might have have an STD.

Winniebagelton · 20/08/2025 10:51

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 19/08/2025 19:56

Hi OP, I really sympathise. I don't know if this helps but hope it does!

I do not have the exact same issue as you, but I gave birth to twins completely unassisted in a loo. I had a bad 2nd degree tear where the skin and muscle ripped around my vagina, but also a ragged skin tear went from my vagina towards my bum and sort of "past" it.

Birth is great eh!

Anyhow, they did some stitching but decided not to stitch that bit and "let it heal naturally". Without telling me. It did not heal well, but in a sort of lumpy line.

I didn't know what had happened as they hadn't said so I assumed at first I had some type of prolapse. I was sick with fear as I'm very sporty and thought perhaps I wouldn't be able to do high impact or heavy stuff anymore.

Eventually I went to see a women's health specialist, a physio in fact. It was about £100. She examined and explained that was she was seeing was scar tissue. As she wasn't a surgeon, she had no vested interest in persuading me to have surgery.

She explained cosmetic surgery could help in my case, but it could also make things worse. Essentially, messing with scar tissue carried a risk of making the scar weaker and liable to re-open, particularly as it's a part of the body that we use all the time. Because I am active, this risk might be increased for me.

I hate the way I look down there now. But that explanation helped me and made me comfortable to decide not to intervene further. I do not like how it looks, but it's cosmetic not functional, and also, it could be worse and could be stopping me being active, and that would be worse than anything.

So tldr 🤣 you can see a non-surgical professional fairly cheaply who may advise - surgery isn't a miracle cure - and if you do want surgery ask specifically about how it might impact on your lifestyle after, will there be restrictions on what you can do etc.

Giving birth to twins unassisted in a loo 😱 Fucking bravo. If I had done that I’d be proudly showing my arsehole off to all and sundry!
Realistically, I know it’s all part of the glorious experience of being a woman (I know men can get them too) but I’m vain 😂 I just wish I had an arsehole that didn’t look like a bunch of (albeit small) grapes

OP posts:
Winniebagelton · 20/08/2025 10:52

PomegranateVase · 20/08/2025 05:46

I was lucky to not get these in my pregnancies and had no idea what they look like. I just Googled them to see an example and I think you should definitely say something to your boyfriend in case he panics mid-sex thinking you might have have an STD.

Christ. Now I’m worried he’ll think I’m riddled 😱😂

OP posts:
Winniebagelton · 20/08/2025 10:53

TiaKofi · 20/08/2025 05:24

Please just have sex with this man and enjoy yourself! I’ve had an outer pile since my late teens, and no one has ever commented - or cared. And these were men in their early 20s. I imagine a man in his 40s won’t give a toss. It makes me so sad that you feel this is holding you back.

Aw, it won’t hold me back, just makes me a bit worried ❤️

OP posts:
Winniebagelton · 20/08/2025 10:57

AvidLurker · 20/08/2025 02:05

Just wanted to say thank you for this post 😂 I’m currently experiencing the grape and raisin fruit bowl … I’m 35 weeks, 3rd pregnancy, and they’ve popped out in the last few days, have avoided doing the ‘business’. I’ve tried to make the pain go down with potions and lotions and ended up in A&E with anaphylaxis from my efforts 😂😂 … I don’t dare tell DH, and a lot of the comments have made me realise this is normal after popping out sprogs. I don’t have advice, but do have gratitude for your post 😂

Just forward him this thread and let him read all the tales of piles! Please please don’t worry. I never did in my marriage. Frankly, I could have had a cantaloupe melon growing out of my arsehole and I would have never expected my DH to judge (he didn’t) because it was as a result of growing lovely children. In your position I really wouldn’t worry at all.

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 20/08/2025 12:05

Winniebagelton · 20/08/2025 00:54

Haha that’s what I mean though….too much big talk then I’ve got an arsehole full of piles 🙈

😂😂

IOSTT · 20/08/2025 21:01

@Winniebagelton I can’t remember which female comedian said, along the lines of, “as a woman, whatever you think of your body, remember nothing can ever be as ugly as a pair of testicles”!!

PomegranateVase · 21/08/2025 06:51

Winniebagelton · 20/08/2025 10:52

Christ. Now I’m worried he’ll think I’m riddled 😱😂

@Winniebagelton

😂Sorry. It’s just I don’t know what they looked like, but if I’d seen them on a man I’d have really panicked and assumed that’s what it was.

Winniebagelton · 23/08/2025 14:32

PomegranateVase · 21/08/2025 06:51

@Winniebagelton

😂Sorry. It’s just I don’t know what they looked like, but if I’d seen them on a man I’d have really panicked and assumed that’s what it was.

Ain’t that the truth. Just to let you all know that we are going away tomorrow night and last night I had the ‘chat’. Kept it totally lighthearted. Initiated a bit of spicy talk so that I could shoehorn in that I have a piley arsehole. Just made a joke about childbirth ruining my arsehole and therefore, that’s off limits. He laughed and said ‘oh you mean piles’ and I said yes 🙈
And then we had phone sex. So I think we’re good 😂
I let you know how it goes 😂

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2025 22:16

Enjoy!!

His response suggests he is a good guy!

Needingadvice01 · 23/08/2025 22:20

I agree with @Disturbia81! For the first few times I woukd low light and positions when he can't see.. in the meantime look into treatment?

Swipe left for the next trending thread