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Original poster

To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

555 replies

Tothink · 30/07/2025 07:31

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 30/07/2025 07:33

Tricky OP. That’s a massive thing to keep from him and he does have a right to know.

On the other hand I can see how hard it would be for you to keep it and you don’t need that pressure from him.

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 07:35

You need to tell him OP, this is the type of thing that will come up on medical records etc., and he has a right to know

Iocainepowder · 30/07/2025 07:36

You don’t have to justify yourself op. I have 2 kids a similar age to you and I wouldn’t hesitate to have a termination if my contraception failed.

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KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 07:36

Tricky but your body, your choice. He doesnt get to 'not take it well' when you are doing all the work. I am way past pregnancy age now, but I would absolutely have a termination if I did fall pregnant.

Do you have someone to come with you for the termination?

Iocainepowder · 30/07/2025 07:36

On a separate note, he absolutely needs to be helping you with nights.

PinPini · 30/07/2025 07:37

I am very lucky to have never found myself in this situation and my DH had a vasectomy a decade ago but I know that if I did somehow get pregnant I would not tell him. He would LOVE another baby and he is very against termination in general. I couldn't have another for a myriad of reasons and I would also have a secret termination for the sake of my family and also to protect him from the upset of termination. It's ultimately my body, my decision but he would be devastated and I feel it would be kinder for him not to know.

D734 · 30/07/2025 07:37

He has the right to know. It’s unforgivable and if he ever found out he will likely (and should) leave

ShesTheAlbatross · 30/07/2025 07:38

Did you really think there was no such thing as a genuinely accidental pregnancy before?

I am not of the opinion that men need to be told, but do you think it’s logistically possible to do it without him knowing?

I had one, with DH’s knowledge, but it’s never been relevant since (apart from during a subsequent planned pregnancy where they asked how many previous pregnancies, and it doesn’t sound like that will be relevant to OP) and I can’t imagine how he’d find out through my medical records if he didn’t know already.

Menopants · 30/07/2025 07:40

he doesn’t need to know . Your body is yours. Your reasons are valid

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 30/07/2025 07:41

No-one has the right to know about your private medical history. Or your medical records.

You need to do what is right for you.

However, the emotional weight of such a decision and secret will be difficult.

Original poster
Tothink · 30/07/2025 07:43

I know how it sounds, but like a PP said, I just don’t want the pressure from him or to be put on some sort of guilt trip. He is a lovely man and I wish I could do this but I just can’t.

By telling him, I feel like it would hurt him and pressurise me. It feels as though I’d almost be asking his permission (slight exaggeration) for a termination.

To be honest, I’m a mess after taking the test and need to find a way of pulling myself together.

OP posts:
whatwouldlilacerullodo · 30/07/2025 07:44

Women bear the burden of children much more than men, so his opinion doesn't count. Do whatever you have to do.

CreteBound · 30/07/2025 07:44

Your body not his. He doesnt have a right to know. Good luck Op

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 30/07/2025 07:44

He doesn't have the right to know, if he's going to see this as a right to an opinion about your body. You do what is best for you.

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 07:46

Tothink · 30/07/2025 07:43

I know how it sounds, but like a PP said, I just don’t want the pressure from him or to be put on some sort of guilt trip. He is a lovely man and I wish I could do this but I just can’t.

By telling him, I feel like it would hurt him and pressurise me. It feels as though I’d almost be asking his permission (slight exaggeration) for a termination.

To be honest, I’m a mess after taking the test and need to find a way of pulling myself together.

Take another test to be sure.
Get some counselling from BPAS.

MrsPerfect12 · 30/07/2025 07:46

Look after yourself first @Tothink. if he won’t be supportive then proceed without telling him.
Is he refusing to go for a vasectomy?

Givemestrengthanddetermination · 30/07/2025 07:48

I sympathise with you OP but I think not telling him is such a big thing in your marriage - such a big deception.
I can't see how it won't drive a hidden wedge into your relationship because you will no longer have an honest marriage.

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 07:53

Guilting your wife to have a child she doesnt want isn't honest either.

BCBird · 30/07/2025 07:53

I think he has a right to know. He is aware u are using contraception so obviously you both are trying to prevent pregnancy. I think this would be something difficult to deal with alone. Long term, will u be asking him to have a vasectomy? Best wishes to u OP.

HEC2746 · 30/07/2025 07:54

Do you feel like you will find it a “big” thing to do or not? Because if not - and I had an abortion before that I was so certain about, it didn’t feel like a big thing, and I wasn’t upset over it - then that’s fine. It’s just it it would feel like a big thing, then it will be harder to keep secret.

But you sound like you are very certain, and that is 100% the right thing for you and your family.

Digdongdoo · 30/07/2025 07:54

Do whatever you need to do. He doesn't "need" to know, he doesn't have the "right" to know. You tell him only if you want to tell him.
Take time if you need time. But if you're sure don't wait around, it's a slow process in my experience. If you have the means I would go private personally.

morepickles · 30/07/2025 07:55

I agree that he probably should know, and in any case it may well come out unintentionally and blow up your relationship. I had a miscarriage last year and it now appears at the very top of my medical records as a "significant" part of my history, along with a few other pregnancy related matters. I imagine an abortion could be treated similarly. You might also suffer complications that you wouldn't realistically be able to keep from him - e.g. heavier than anticipated bleeding that necessitates a hospital stay.

When I say he should know, an element of that is it sounds like you could understandably do with a bit more support with your current set up regardless of what happens. So I would have the conversation as a means of getting that all out there. He can't be "hurt" by your take on it if he doesn't have a realistic proposal for how to make it workable. All the best 💐

morepickles · 30/07/2025 07:55

Edit: double post

PersephoneParlormaid · 30/07/2025 07:56

I honestly think it’s your choice, no need to tell him.

Boredlass · 30/07/2025 07:57

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 07:53

Guilting your wife to have a child she doesnt want isn't honest either.

You don’t know he would do that. It would be a huge betrayal not to tell him. A despicable thing to do

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