To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

Your body your choice, if his reaction would be anything other than that, I wouldn't tell him.

Oh I do feel for you. This is so hard. I've been there. Eldest was 4, next was nearly 2 when I found out. I so nearly terminated but decided not to but was very unhappy about having a 3rd. I was so resentful about having another baby but I have to say I have never regretted it since. DD has been an absolute delight and I loved having 3 even though the first few years were awful. They're all grown up and living their best lives now and I'm proud to be a mum of 3 - trying not to have rose tinted spectacles here.
That said, you must do what is right for you. Have a few days to digest this news. Talk to your GP, mine was very supportive when I sobbed in the surgery at him that I didn't want this baby.

1. you can do what you like and don’t need to tell anyone
2. if it’s early enough, there’s no need for “medical” intervention. Pills usually which results in similar to a period.
3. you can go privately if you don’t want in NHS records. It’s hardly a “disease” or condition that needs recording

It very much is true thanks 🙄

I don't really care what your one midwife told you.

I'm still tending to my surgery incisions and I can tell YOU for certain that I was asked about how many pregnancies and how many live dc I had many, many times by a variety of medical staff - as recently as a month ago when I was having my pre-op consult.

Whether you could lie and get away with it is another matter. But they DO ask it.

Her husband wouldn’t have access to her medical records.

I would not be having a 3rd child. If I was in your situation I would be aborting without telling my husband, I know I wouldn’t feel any misguided guilt as I’m protecting the children I already have and myself. Good luck with your future.

Again, unless her husband is never going to accompany her to any sort of medical appointment in the future, it will come up

You wouldn't be the first or last woman to have a secret termination and many women who have abortions are already mothers in your kind of situation.

Ideally would it be better to tell him and discuss it together? Yes. Do you have to? No. You fear pressure and being talked into something you know you don't want and I don't think it's right for anyone to skip over that - many women have been caught in that trap and you already know you won't have more support from him around the children and that it will fall on you.

Do what you need to do OP. It's wholly your decision.

No one other than permitted NHS staff has a right to see your medical records.

I've never been asked and I'm a ripe age. My answer (truthfully) would be that I can't remember.

As I have said on my pp husband wasn’t a hands on father, and didn’t believe in terminating. When I told him baby 3 he was delighted just worried about money, he understood my reluctance but I had already decided to keep her so termination wasn’t discussed.

baby 4, again he was worried financially but couldn’t see a problem, but after a great deal or convincing he agreed. That day a little of both of us died, we did it together, we cried together. I couldn’t have done it alone.

baby 5 I was so scared to do it again, either option, and so was he, when I lost it we both cried again, tears of grieve or relief I’m not sure, but again we did it together. That’s what being a partner is for.

basically- he got her pregnant, he has to face the consequences. If she decides not to go through with it, she books an appointment and goes alone, if he can’t support her through that , well ?

I wouldn't say a word. You need to do what's right for you.
Tough decision, but I think in your shoes, I'd be terminating.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

This is a really difficult one. If you’re ok with not telling him then I think that’s fine, but be prepared for any consequences if he somehow finds out at a later date. Do you have someone you can talk it through with in real life? Or can you give BPAS a call to discuss it.

You do need to make it crystal clear to DH that you do not want another pregnancy though. Would he have a vasectomy? He needs to know that you would terminate any future pregnancies.

p.s. absolutely no need to justify terminating. I would do the same in this situation.

It is on your medical records , you can’t decide what goes on there. But her husband wouldn’t never have access to them.

You don’t have to tell him at all
I’ll just get it done as early as possible and never think of it again

My abortion has literally NEVER come up in any conversation with a doctor and my DH has been with me most times. I had 2 children after my abortion and when asked, I said that I had 2 children.

Do you attend medical appointments in Tehran or something?

No doctor is going to say in front of your partner "so about that medical termination you had four years ago..."

I think you should tell him.
If you think having a termination would spoil your marriage, having a secret termination which he later found out about is going to go down much worse.
At least if you tell him, you’re not breaking the trust. If you do this in secret you may always feel it’s hanging over you.
It’s ultimately your body, and you seem quite certain 3 children isn’t for you. But how you’ll hide a termination for the rest of your marriage I don’t know.

YANBU. It's your body and your choice. You are on contraception, which you're careful to take properly, and this was a mistake. You didn't want to get pregnant, you don't want to be pregnant, you don't want another DC and you don't need to be guilt-tripped or pressured by your DH. Do what is right for you and your family. Yes, it is his business, but I don't think you're under an obligation to tell him, since he won't support you in what you want to do and will just make it harder for you to have a termination.

I had a surprise third, similar age gap to you, while my DH was starting up his own business so it was pretty much all on me. We were skint, but just reckoned we’d manage somehow. Yes it was tough, but so worth it. The older two were great at entertaining the baby, the older two were at nursery/school so I had a bit of one on one time with the baby which was bliss after managing two at once. All grown up now, and my youngest is the one we’re probably closest to. It can work if you decide to go for it. Good luck in whatever you decide.

He’s not a ‘lovely man’ if you feel you can’t even tell him about this without him putting pressure on you to keep it!

Jesus the bar is SO low for husbands on MN it actually makes me quite sad.

Of course you can "lie", how you classify pregnancies is your own choice. Some people might count every chemical pregnancy as a previous pregnancy and mention this to a medical professional, other people might not count early miscarriages at all or even realise that they had them. Whether you count a termination or not is up to you to tell people, especially an early one that likely had no physical effects whatsoever.

If you have an early medical termination I don't see it as functionally different from the contraceptive pill. You'll have a period and it will be a huge relief and then onwards.

But you need to know yourself. In my opinion abortion is healthcare like excising a growth. If you are funny about it on any level you need to examine the psychological side.

It’s very standard in women’s health care to ask how many pregnancies and children the woman has.

Impact can override moral positions

All thing being equal - sure tell him.
But if his view point is so strong it could end your marriage and there is a 2 and 4 yo in the mix????

It's easy for posters who have DHs who are supportive or indifferent on their wives choices in this situation to say "tell him its wrong not to"

I know my husband.
And if I knew his position was so strong that it would like jeopardise my marriage if I had an abortion i would say nothing.

The provision of a stable family environment for my existing children would be paramount and if I didnt trust my husband to support my choice (which you have to live with much more so than him whichever way you cut it) I would quietly mind my business.