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Original poster

To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

555 replies

Tothink · 30/07/2025 07:31

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

OP posts:
PestoHoliday · 30/07/2025 07:57

It's your business, it's your body, it's your choice.

Tell him if you want to, but in your situation I'd end the pregnancy and then decide whether to tell him.

mumonthehill · 30/07/2025 08:00

This is a huge thing to keep secret especially if you find it harder to deal with than you think. But I do think that you have the right to do this without telling him especially as you feel so alone in parenting currently. Really think about what support you might need and talk it through with a professional. You have absolutely no judgement from me and I would do what you are doing if It was in your position. Just look after yourself.

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 08:00

Boredlass · 30/07/2025 07:57

You don’t know he would do that. It would be a huge betrayal not to tell him. A despicable thing to do

Show quote history

I don't. But OP says clearly he will.

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KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 08:03

Also people saying it will appear in her medical records, do your partners/husbands look at your medical records? Mine doesn't. And I don't look at his.

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 08:04

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 08:03

Also people saying it will appear in her medical records, do your partners/husbands look at your medical records? Mine doesn't. And I don't look at his.

I’m more thinking in the future, especially if she has any gynae issues etc. My mum had to have a hysterectomy and (obviously) my dad accompanied her to the appointments as a support. In those appointments her previous pregnancies were discussed in detail. So unless OP would be willing to do all of that sort of thing alone, it’s something to bear in mind

2chocolateoranges · 30/07/2025 08:05

Not a secret I’d keep from my dh However I agree with everyone saying your body , your decision but, if this secret was ever to come out it could blow your relationship apart and affect your children’s life too, your dh needs told that he needs to step up and help more with the children too, it’s not fair that you are left with it all.

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 08:06

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 08:04

I’m more thinking in the future, especially if she has any gynae issues etc. My mum had to have a hysterectomy and (obviously) my dad accompanied her to the appointments as a support. In those appointments her previous pregnancies were discussed in detail. So unless OP would be willing to do all of that sort of thing alone, it’s something to bear in mind

Show quote history

I had a hysterectomy and my husband didnt come into the room with me. Actually he didnt even come to the appointment, though he was there for the surgery.

Maybe we are weird. It's not very obvious to me.

MageQueen · 30/07/2025 08:08

This is a very difficult one. The reality is that you should be able to tell him.and have his support for this termination. But you are very clear you won't get it. I did not get pregnant but it was my biggest fear for a while because like you, there was no way I could do a third but I knew that while dh would support an abortion, he would hate it. I feared a pregnancy, and termination, would destroy my marriage.

I dont think I could ever have had a termination workout telling dh. If you think you can, I actually think that yes, you should do it and not mention it.

Good luck op. I can only imagine how hard this is.

crisppackets · 30/07/2025 08:11

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 07:36

Tricky but your body, your choice. He doesnt get to 'not take it well' when you are doing all the work. I am way past pregnancy age now, but I would absolutely have a termination if I did fall pregnant.

Do you have someone to come with you for the termination?

Edited

She’s not questioning the termination. She’s questioning not telling DH

fourelementary · 30/07/2025 08:12

It’s a really tricky one @Tothink and I’m sorry you’re facing this decision. But I do believe that truth and honesty within a marriage has to be there. So I think you should tell your husband and work through the strong emotions that will bring up rather than risk it coming out at a later date and destroying everything.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/07/2025 08:13

It’s a big thing to deal on own / you both obv don’t want more dc as using contraception

maybe a chat about having the snip and see his reaction

if you really think he will guilt trip you don’t tell him

are the dc same sex - would he push for a 3rd with a chance of having diff sex ?

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 08:15

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 08:06

I had a hysterectomy and my husband didnt come into the room with me. Actually he didnt even come to the appointment, though he was there for the surgery.

Maybe we are weird. It's not very obvious to me.

Show quote history

i think it’s quite standard for spouses to have some level of involvement - you’re a partnership and support each other.

DilemmaDelilah · 30/07/2025 08:15

If I was in that situation I wouldn't tell my DH. BUT - I would be aware that this was unfair and very likely to be the end of my marriage if he found out. So I would make very sure indeed that he never found out.

I am not saying that this would be the right decision, and I would never say that it would be the right decision for somebody else, Just that it would be what I would do. I know that if it had happened to me in the same circumstances it would break me, and my marriage, anyway so better to do it that way. My DH would have been able to live in blissful ignorance and I believe I would be able to live with the guilt.

Roseblooms7 · 30/07/2025 08:16

It is 100% your body therefore 100% your choice. If you feel he will react like this and you can go through with a termination then do it, I would.

AlwaysHopefull89 · 30/07/2025 08:16

I wouldn’t say anything. Yes it would be on medical records but your husband won’t see that.

KateMiskin · 30/07/2025 08:17

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 08:15

i think it’s quite standard for spouses to have some level of involvement - you’re a partnership and support each other.

Show quote history

Not all people need that level of support, I guess. I cannot concieve of many situations where my husband accompanies me to medical appointments, unless something very serious.

NaranjaDreams · 30/07/2025 08:20

If you were to have any future pregnancies; you’d have to keep him away from any appointments to do with that. My midwife constantly mentioned how many times I’d been pregnant, and my consultant used it as a risk factor, too. It’s not been loads; either, 3 pregnancies and 2 children.

Thats not to say not to have the abortion, though. You have to do what’s right for you.

I think I’d let the news sit for a bit and then see how you feel. Either way, he should be helping you with nights.

Beeloux · 30/07/2025 08:25

Realistically I think it will be hard to hide. As far as I’m aware, you will likely bleed for quite a few weeks after. If you’re regularly intimate, surely he would notice. Having said that, I have bled from periods on the pill for 2 weeks before so you could say it’s just a very heavy period.

Personally I would tell him. I fell pregnant unexpectedly with my ds and had split up from his dad a few days before finding out. I was tempted to have an abortion and not tell him, but I knew if he found out I hid it, he would have went nuclear (he was a gp so I was worried he could check my records). Ultimately I told him and continued the pregnancy and we’ve never heard from him since.

You need to do what is right for you. Seeing as you’re doing most of the work, I think 3 would be very hard. You’d also have to think of bigger car, would you have the house space, ect.

It’s a difficult situation. But I think the aftermath of him finding out you did it without telling him would be huge. All the best OP.

MC846 · 30/07/2025 08:26

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. I'd love a third but barely manage with 2. You need to do what you need to do and if you're sure there's no point telling him xx

hennybeans · 30/07/2025 08:26

Your body is your business and your dh does not have a right to know about your medical decisions. In an ideal world, it would be easier if you could share that info with him, but that’s your choice, not his right.

It sounds like you know what is best for yourself and your family. Don’t be pressured into a decision by what your dh would want when you are the one who has to do the work and suffer the consequences.

inquisitiveinga · 30/07/2025 08:30

If you feel like this towards your husband, my gut tells me he's low key controlling.

I've been in this situation and didn't even hesitate to tell my husband because I knew he'd be supportive of either decision.

With that, do what will keep you safest in terms of the choices you make regarding your physical and mental health. I think I'd be more tempted to not tell him, but I could be reading between the lines incorrectly.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 30/07/2025 08:32

Your body, your choice. He doesn’t have a right to know if he would guilt you into keeping it.

converseandjeans · 30/07/2025 08:32

YANBU to not want to continue. I’m not sure however why you have been unable to work - I went back when mine were 4 for first baby & 6 months for second baby. I would not consider working as easy compared with being home. It might depend on the job he does. Is there not the option to have the baby & go back to work?

bfbabe · 30/07/2025 08:32

Boredlass · 30/07/2025 07:57

You don’t know he would do that. It would be a huge betrayal not to tell him. A despicable thing to do

Show quote history

No it wouldn't. It's very early. If the OP is emotionally OK with it then physically it's just the same as her having a chemical pregnancy and her DH wouldn't have a right to know about that either.

Aug12 · 30/07/2025 08:35

That is a very big secret to keep from your husband. Take a few days to process the news firstly and make sure you definitely want to terminate and it’s not a knee jerk reaction, I’d then suggest having this conversation with your husband. Let him know your decision and that it is final and you are looking for support. To keep that kind of secret would be a huge mistrust and could blow up your marriage if it came to light.

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