Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

555 replies

Tothink · 30/07/2025 07:31

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

OP posts:
Floranan · 30/07/2025 08:35

I’ve been where you are Tothink 2 children under 5 worked part time husband who thought parenting meant playing with toys / train sets and picking up nappies on the way home from work. The pill let me down and my DD was the result. It was bloody hard I went on to have her because I just couldn’t do the other, and it was hard, I resented her for the first couple of months I loved her don’t get me wrong, but she stopped my plans. Then I realised she didn’t stop them she postponed them, it was soooo hard but she would smile at me and I was lost.

I’ve also terminated a fourth pill not working occasion and that was harder still for me that is, we are all different we all live different lives you have todo what’s right for you and your children.

i went on to have 2 more children not biologically mine but still my children. It’s always hard work. The tears I’ve spent over the years.

i also lost a baby, my fifth, like you I could fall pregnant by just thinking babies, I had the pill, but I fell, I was just thinking, beyond even believing I could cope with another hadn’t I already gone through one termination, and nature took it’s on course, the grieve and guilt is still with me today.

i have been pregnant 5 times and was given another 2 so I have my five living breathing children, but I should have 7. God 7 !

Holidaysandsunshine · 30/07/2025 08:36

I’m not sure it is on your medical records you can stop them telling your gp and u don’t have to tell them if u do have another pregnancy -but I’m not sure. Dh also has no right to see ur medical records and u do have have the right to remove things if u like, they are yours

u say that you wish u could have baby three but u can’t. Are u completely sure there isn’t a way. Housekeeper/ night nurse or something. I say this just to make sure u won’t think oh I could have done it in 5 years and regret it. Maybe if u tell him he will find a workable solution or realise the really isnt one.

I say this as someone who was sure I was sure and then changed my mind at the eleventh hour and keep baby and am very happy I changed my mind

I also had a contraception fail and I couldn’t believe how many medical staff dismissed me and said it wasn’t true (even though it was a coil and by doing a scan u could definitively see it! In fact they just kept going pressurising me to say I had made a
mistake and that’s how it had happened because they just wouldn’t have it that great contraception fails sometimes because 99% is not 100%. It was so tiring and I will feel resentful about it for a lifetime. But I know loads of people who use the same contraception and I am always fearful for them when they mention it but for everyone else it worked like a dream just for me it didn’t. We are all abit different it’s bound to fail someone at somepoint

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 30/07/2025 08:37

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 07:35

You need to tell him OP, this is the type of thing that will come up on medical records etc., and he has a right to know

When will her husband ever read her medical records? He also absolutely does NOT have a 'right to know'

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Women's health
BrassOlive · 30/07/2025 08:39

It's completely your choice OP, ignore those saying its a betrayal. It's 2025, you're totally entitled to manage your health privately and however you see fit, without any involvement from your husband whatsoever.

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 08:39

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 30/07/2025 08:37

When will her husband ever read her medical records? He also absolutely does NOT have a 'right to know'

Show quote history

If he ever goes to any sort of appointment with her in the future, it could come up. It’s his child too. I, obviously, think OP has the right to make a decision about her body. But I also believe that her husband should know what’s going on. Or she’ll spend the rest of her life walking on eggshells around him and potentially blowing up their marriage.

Floranan · 30/07/2025 08:42

Also wanted to add,

a lot are saying dad has a right to know,

in my opinion he does, it’s his baby too.

but it’s more than that, if you do decide you can’t do it, you will need him.

trust me , he will see you are going through something, and you will say what you like, if he loves you he will see and then what happens. How do you explain.

no you must tell him, and if you really feel you can’t do this again, you do this together.

Motherofalittledragon · 30/07/2025 08:43

Personally I wouldn’t tell him, why cause the upset if you know he’ll want to keep it. As the old saying goes what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Sdpbody · 30/07/2025 08:45

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 07:35

You need to tell him OP, this is the type of thing that will come up on medical records etc., and he has a right to know

This absolutely will not be on your medical records and your DH has no need to know!

At this stage, it would be a heavy period and is literally a few cells just chilling out in your womb.

Do what is best for you.

Meandmyguy · 30/07/2025 08:45

An abortion is not really something you can pop in and have done on your way home from work.

You're going to need support.

Would more help from him make any difference to your decision.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 30/07/2025 08:45

Whilst in an ideal world you’d tell him, the fact that you know he’d put pressure on you to keep a baby that you don’t want means that you don’t have to tell him. Yes it’s a joint baby, however it’s your body and your pregnancy so it’s your choice whether or not to terminate and no one else’s.

Globules · 30/07/2025 08:45

I think if all areas of your marriage are going well, if he's a good man and he loves you, then you should tell him.

Lying by omission is not good, particularly about something this big. You don't tell him, the trust is gone in your marriage.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 30/07/2025 08:48

Floranan · 30/07/2025 08:42

Also wanted to add,

a lot are saying dad has a right to know,

in my opinion he does, it’s his baby too.

but it’s more than that, if you do decide you can’t do it, you will need him.

trust me , he will see you are going through something, and you will say what you like, if he loves you he will see and then what happens. How do you explain.

no you must tell him, and if you really feel you can’t do this again, you do this together.

And what if the husband puts undue pressure on her to keep and raise a baby she doesn’t want? What if he’s not at all supportive and just piles on the guilt because he doesn’t want her to terminate? Sounds from the op like that’s the reality of this situation.

Frenchbluesea · 30/07/2025 08:49

In these circumstances it’s not unreasonable to not tell him- it will protect both of you.
Wishing you all the best 💐

Sdpbody · 30/07/2025 08:49

Meandmyguy · 30/07/2025 08:45

An abortion is not really something you can pop in and have done on your way home from work.

You're going to need support.

Would more help from him make any difference to your decision.

It can be, actually.

Everything was done on the phone beforehand.

You go to the clinic on day 1, they scan you, talk things through with you, and give you a tablet. 24 hours later, you go back and they put a pessary up your vagina. A few hours later, you start to bleed and its just like a period only slightly heavier.

It was over far faster than a normal period and there is just no way your DH would notice.

TheCoralEagle · 30/07/2025 08:50

If you were to have any future pregnancies; you’d have to keep him away from any appointments to do with that. My midwife constantly mentioned how many times I’d been pregnant, and my consultant used it as a risk factor, too

It's not just pregnancy...anything remotely gynae related ime. I've not long had surgery to remove an ovary and cysts. Through the whole process from first referral (about 3 years!) I've lost count of the times a consultant, Dr or nurse has done the 'and how many pregnancies? How many live children?' bit with me.

RainSoakedNights · 30/07/2025 08:51

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 30/07/2025 08:48

And what if the husband puts undue pressure on her to keep and raise a baby she doesn’t want? What if he’s not at all supportive and just piles on the guilt because he doesn’t want her to terminate? Sounds from the op like that’s the reality of this situation.

Show quote history

It’s a lose lose situation.

She lies, he finds out, marriage over.

She tells him, goes through with it, marriage over.

Waterbaby41 · 30/07/2025 08:52

An abortion will be on your medical records. This is a huge lie to live the rest of your marriage with. Would you want your husband to lie about something important? If he found out, it would likely tear your marriage apart - not just the abortion but the lies. Tell him and get it out in the open.

Pyjamatimenow · 30/07/2025 08:53

I’ve got two dc and would be very upset in your position. I would want to terminate as well. I wouldn’t feel guilty about not telling him either. It’s your body.

Sdpbody · 30/07/2025 08:53

TheCoralEagle · 30/07/2025 08:50

If you were to have any future pregnancies; you’d have to keep him away from any appointments to do with that. My midwife constantly mentioned how many times I’d been pregnant, and my consultant used it as a risk factor, too

It's not just pregnancy...anything remotely gynae related ime. I've not long had surgery to remove an ovary and cysts. Through the whole process from first referral (about 3 years!) I've lost count of the times a consultant, Dr or nurse has done the 'and how many pregnancies? How many live children?' bit with me.

Again, this simply is not true.

I have been pregnant 3 times but I have 2 children.

I asked the midwife about this, and she said you can happily say 2 children and we have no way of knowing if you have had a termination as they are not on normal records.

TheCurious0range · 30/07/2025 08:54

I'm saddened by the posts here from OP and PPa about how their partners would react. I went into hospital for an MRI scan when DS was about 4/5 we'd already decided we were one and done (I had medical complications during pregnancy and childbirth) and DH had already booked a GP appointment to discuss a vasectomy. As part of usual process they did a pregnancy test when they did my bloods, and it was a very faint positive, the nurse said they can be overly sensitive especially for someone with my underlying hormonal issues and to test at home and again 5 days later.

I told DH immediately even though the sick hollow feeling I got told me I definitely didn't want another one, I was struggling with the idea of a termination when we have plenty of space at home, good careers and financial means. I told him because I knew he'd listen, he just told me he'd support me whatever I wanted and it was my body, if I had a termination he'd support me and if I had the baby he'd support me and love it the same as DS no resentment at all. As it turned out a home test was negative and so was the follow up and there was no baby.

The point to this example is that yes of course it would be best for OP to tell her husband , and that's what you would want in a marriage but for that to happen he has to hold up his side of the deal too. Which is to support you and completely respect your autonomy over your own body. If OP doesn't think she'll get that, it changes the playing field and I get why she would withhold the information.

Sdpbody · 30/07/2025 08:54

Waterbaby41 · 30/07/2025 08:52

An abortion will be on your medical records. This is a huge lie to live the rest of your marriage with. Would you want your husband to lie about something important? If he found out, it would likely tear your marriage apart - not just the abortion but the lies. Tell him and get it out in the open.

It is not on your medical records if you do not want it on your medical records!! Stop spreading fake information.

BernardButlersBra · 30/07/2025 08:55

It sounds like he has brought it on himself lm afraid. Why does he get to get 9 hours sleep a night when you get broken sleep? That's not fair. We have 2 children and neither my husband or l got that. It doesn't sound like your husband would pull his weight with a 3rd if he hadn't with the others. I would be honest with him about the whole thing including the reasons why you won't be proceeding with the pregnancy

Tia247 · 30/07/2025 08:55

I think differently to many, I think it's unfair and even cruel to tell him when you've already decided not to keep it and he can't have any say in that decision.

It's perfectly fair for you not to want to continue with the pregnancy, it's your body and you're the one going to have to do much of the parenting.

Why upset him by dangling a child he can't have in front of him (metaphorically speaking). He may hugely resent you and that could just as much end your marriage as not telling him and him finding out could.

Generally I am 100% for honesty and transparency, but if someone was going to terminate a baby that I really wanted and there was no way I could persuade them not to - well then I'd rather not know.

spoonbillstretford · 30/07/2025 08:56

Sdpbody · 30/07/2025 08:54

It is not on your medical records if you do not want it on your medical records!! Stop spreading fake information.

Show quote history

Yes and how would DH be seeing those records? Medical matters are confidential for a reason.

Fragmentedbrain · 30/07/2025 08:57

I absolutely support not telling him if your mind is made up but you will need to think about how you manage a termination around childcare if he doesn't know. It's easier than it used to be with the pills at home option but if you take that route you are at home, obviously, when he may also be and it will be a bit shit.

It won't be visible to him ever (if you go privately it won't even be linked to your NHS record). You need to think about whether or not you can genuinely be pragmatic about it, though, because it would be a disaster if you went ahead then couldn't keep it to yourself a month down the line.